You spin me right round'

While its not the first time this year that my peace has been broken, it is the first time i gave in to the swelling wave of anger as it began to overtake me.
Luckily, I didn't allow it to completely engulf me, I made the decision to remove myself fron the space for the sake od our children. Knowing that to remain would only have driven me deeper into rage. Having to stand and listen to his justification for the past as if it is still relevent or valid. Knowing full well that  to have destroyed my equipment, some very expensive equipment, was wrong. Even moreso because in destroying my beloved camera, he destroyed my business. The single secure revenue stream that I had from my art. The thing that would have allowed me to produce the additional funds he now demands I pay on top of child support. Its not as if he doesn't know I can't afford this additional expense that he himself can not afford. He knows. But as always he doesn't care. Because nothing matters outside of what he wants. What he thinks is the "right" way to raise and care for our children. The children I bore.
He casts my opinion and facts aside for what he sees fit. Again leaving me feel foolish for willingly giving him the benefit of the doubt. For thinking he was ready to really make progress co-parenting. All I asked is that he helps pay for the camera he broke. Help restore the business he destroyed. He quickly reminds me that he helped me pay for the camera the first time. While just as quickly forgetting that at the time he called it an investment. That he believed in my talent and drive. He saw it as helping me empower myself to do for myaelf as he has done with his business'. He easily forgets all the free work I did for him which could (and would) have easily cost him between $800-1500 with any other photographer. Whether they liked the work or not. Whether they had to be therenfor guidance or not. They would have had to pay for a profeasionals time. The fact that not only did I shoot for hours, I also scouted locations, aquired and scheduled talent. Half his frikin site. But does he see the value? Does he even appreciate the work? Doeabhe consider our debt even? No.
Furthermore I don't understand how he paid for half when the money came fron our joint return that was to be split 50/50 between us. I was told it came out of my half. So how is it now that he paid for it? If I were a malicious and hurt filled person, I would simply take the money I need before giving him his half of this year's return. If I was that vindictive and mean spirited still, I would give him what I deem appropriate. I could but I won't because what would it really solve? Hoe far would that set back our relating if I acted like him instead of allowing him to choose to be his better self? Deapite him rarely choosing to be, its the choice I still make. Why? Because I don't need him. I don't want to be him and frankly I realized with this venting that I am beyond him. Not better then, just beyond. As in nothig he does can/will hurt or hold me back ever again in life.
This year again, we have the opportinity to put ourselves back into a responsible position by getting an apartment. Either individually or together. One way or another, I will create a physical home for myself and our children. I am creating a place of love and comfort so my children do not have to unnecessarily suffer in her house anymore.  If it means that I will have to assume full custody and primary care, so be it. I will not adibe by my children being forced to overhear her talk about me as if I am the worst human alive because I overslept after working an 8 hour overnight shift and a weekend where I had a total of 9 hours sleep over 3 days. She condemns me to whatever spirits she talks to without remembering my children, our children are in the next room. Rather then eliminate the problem of being there, he'd rather continue to enable it. I offer to get an apartment with him, he rebuffs the idea as if I offered him bed bugs. Easily forgetting that we would most likely never be in the same space at the same time. That if we were to co-operate and truly coparent, our children could have both of us in their lives everyday. They're wouldn't be a 3rd party non-parent in the background constantly undermining out discipline and ideals. He wouldn't have to hear her complaints all the time about every avoidable financial problem under the sun that she has. Our family would have healthy meals every day. Our family would have a roof over their heads. By no means am I trying to remarry hin or fix our broken past relationship. I am simply trying to ensure the physical, mental, and emotional well being of our family. As far as she goes, she is a relative who has been more then generous with her house. I am and will always be extremely grateful for that but she is not apart of our family. Same as my parents, they are spectators, outsiders when it comes to our family. Our family, the sanchez family, consists of 4 people. Hom, me, k & ni. Everyone else is irrelivent. Today he says to me that if she allows Pepo back into the house he'll take our kids tp a shelter and move out. WTF!????!!?!? Why not move out now, stand on your own two with me. Lets build. No one says this apt would have to be forever but it would be a great help in us keeping a better hold on how our children are raised. On what they take in. On how they.process our new relation. It will make a difference on how they act, talk, and think. Like right now how they are stuck in the pattern of playing the go-between game. If it were just he and I parenting them, they would know we are a team. That they can't go get their way by trying to get someone else to give them what they want. But right now they barely listen to us because she is there always ready to say yes when we say no. It undermines us as parents. But he sees nothing wrong with it. I recognized today that he is extremely comfortable enabling her because she takes care of him. And still he is not confident in my ability to be responsible and adjust my life/ambitions for our children. Also he's stuck in the past still. Its a shame. He won't even consider it because of what he wants. He wants to stay at het house and hear/deal with her shit. If not, why else continue to endure it? Why keep yourself in a situation that is not changing. Even if he brings up my inability to pay support on time, if he thought about it, and got out of the past, he'd realize that I remain workinf through every hardship. As much as I don't pay support, its because I pay for everything. I pay rent to my father to live in a chair, buy 2-3 meals a day, phone bill, storage, student loan payments, child support plus any additional activities or neceasities they need that he can't afford, & transportation; it all comes out of my check. He doesn't want to let ne use food stamps to buy some food and reduce how much i eat out but he will allow her to fees the church, baby showers, and any other event she is asked to cater without any compensation. Come on. What irks me is that these are current practices, not a past actions.
All of these things remain the same, year after year. He is okay with it. If he wasn't why else perpetuate a cycle you have the power and opportinity to break, better yet to end?

Love & Light,

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com