Last night for the first time in 3 days I laid with my family. Not slept, just laid. I watched my baby's chest lift and rescind ever so slightly with her light breaths. I watched my son's normally devious face illuminated in the moonlight. I took completely hold of that singular moment of peace and stored their angelic faces in my memory for the many lonely nights ahead until I can lay with them again. Eventually satisfied with my sleep stalking I closed my eyes to rest but not to sleep or dream. It was at most a momentary unconsciousness in which I was still fully alert and aware of the two bodies beside me. Wishing every morning I could awaken to their smiles. This morning they were so elated to wake and find me there for the first time in days. I'm told its the first night they haven't awoken mid-way thru sleep to look or ask for me.
It breaks my heart to know I am now disturbing their peace. Breaking their hearts day by day with my elected absence. It makes me wanna suffer through just for another minute with them. Just for another day I can look forward to sleeping with them again. Another sleepless night to ease their fears. But I know it wouldn't make me better for them if I gave into the temptation. I know I only yearn for them now because I took the step back to admire the full picture. No longer being apart of it, builds my appreciation for it. And let's me see my prior missteps. Reminds me how far I still have to go to be worthy of them.
So instead of letting it drag me back into that dark place, I use it as fuel to re-ignite my fire and light the way out of this cave to wellness. Push me forward faster down this path of recovery. Regain control of the life I've let slip through my fingers until now.
But this "wellness plan" of mine as I like to call it, is a necessary part of me making it through my Saturn in one piece instead of in pieces. A necessary part of me being the good natured, happy, non-judgemental, liberated, free-spirit I am. And thus a good parent. Cause "a person so full of hurt can't love nobody" (-for colored girls), not even themselves and thus no one else.
Cheer's to love. For self and others! Genuine pure and true love for all... As soulof1 would say I'm "lovinmesumme"
Love & Light
J Sans Chez
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