twisted sister of faith & hope

Today is another day where all I can do is smile and be happy. Walk closer to the light then the dark. In my sleep I realized I can't wait to wake up because I am living my dream of a peace filled life. I am calm inside, there are no more fires raging, baking me from the inside. I am filled with a different feeling. not worry, not doubt, no frustration. i have no name for this feeling because I've never felt it before in my life. I've never been overwhelmed by it. So full of it that I am confident no matter what happens. I will not worry about how I will pay by rent or where I will live next month. Not that I know those things or have a plan better then the one I am working. I am just calm, no matter what I do. There are times when I think I may regress, be angry and spiteful all the time, destroying everything around me with my flames. But I don't. My fire remains lit, yet still, not raging uncontrollably. A beacon.

What makes me so happy? The fact that I am living my truth. I am surrounded by people who only want the good from and for me. They pass back encouragement, support, advice & opportunity. I find it easier to give those same things back. It's what I want to do. None of them are trying to harm me. And I have no want to harm any of them. I am surrounded by love. Maybe it's the nostalgia of being back in my home, NYC. Maybe it's a renewed sense of being from having 3.5 months to rest and think.

I thought about beginning meditation soon. i think it will help. One thing that will definitely happen is more yoga. It's an impossibility for me to have any excuse as to why I can't make it to one single yoga class, when I live doors down. Hopefully it will become practice. Whatever this path is, I am enjoying it more and more. I am loving the feeling of following my gut. I love the butterflies in my stomach. I love being afraid of what i am doing, and I love not knowing what i am doing. Learning as I go. That's what it's all about right? Learning so we can grow? Manifest our unconscious lives into our conscious ones? Smile, love, laugh, live? Whatever it is about, I think I've found the key.

It's like  that old cliche, walk by faith not by sight. As if this is what it feels like to have faith. Maybe that's what it is. Some good ol' faith with a sprinkle of hope, a side of dreams, and a glass of passion. I finally have most of the tools I need to be a photographer. I am hitting my stride as a mother. Learning as a woman how to balance the needs of my children with the needs of my husband and myself.

I am creating as an artist. yesterday for the first time I took advantage of being alone at Wow. I stepped out into the quiet of the stage and sang whatever came to mind. I said whatever came to mind. I recorded it, and as I go through my day, i listen to it and tweek it. I will continue to check the calendar and grab an hour here and there whenever I have the free time. Within time, I'll have something concrete to put on. My baby will be developed and ready for the world.

I aim to pick up my son from school every day. If also possible, i try to get there early enough to drop him off as well. I am getting better at being there more. Teaching myself to get into their schedule. It's hard when you want to work in time to look for a job, and create. But I'm learning. I talk to Soul all the time, we try to see each other every day. Talking, walking, spending time any way we can. Dating again, and it's nice. Having family days/times. slowly we are getting better. Individually we are growing together. Like those trees with twisted bark. It's beautiful.

Scared to sacred

What i really want to say is I that i am happy. Or rather I feel my happiness materializing. I just have to keep pushing forward. Doubt is trying to creep into my mind and make me stress. Break me down to a scared little girl . What doubt doesn't know is that I am fueled by the fear.
I realized I ran to Vegas because the time was approaching that i stand up and be accountable for all the shit I talk. I ran because i was afraid I wouldn't be good enough. I was afraid people would not like me for my life choice. I would be ridiculed, I would be booed, misunderstood, or laughed off the stage. At the time what I failed to realize is that, it's a process. No one is born great. Every person that came before me had to create themselves. They weren't born knowing or being perfect in their area. And if they were an activist or rebel with a cause the course was even harder. No one likes a rabble rouser, except of course, other rabble rousers.
The first day I felt alive in a long time was when I went skydiving. Seeing the world from that perspective gave me a new outlook. Realizing how small I really am, how quickly life passes, how defeating it is to live a lie or stress about things we have no control over. When I jumped, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i only get when i am scared shit less. And I want that feeling everyday of my life. In everything that i do. Because I'm learning that life is way more awesome living that feeling. You accomplish so much more, learn so much more following that feeling. So I now seek to do the things that scare me. For they are the things that push me. They are the things that will help me surrender to the truth.

The Stories We Tell (05.18.12)

today i lied, like really lied for the first time in a long time. i won't say what the lie was but it wasn't to anyone i actually knew. it was to a group of strangers. and it felt wrong when i said it but i couldn't stop myself. and then i continued on with the lie and it felt worse. to the point where i was sitting alone in the street sobbing simply because i knew i was lying and i could not turn back to to truth...

so why say anything now? maybe it's the act of anonymously unburdening my soul. even though it was a little lie, it was big enough to get a lot of attention from passersby in the street tonight. it put me in a position where i looked stupid and foolish. i looked like a jackass. there was no good reason for doing what i did, without giving it away. so i will say there was a good reason but i probably could have went about it another way.  i didn't have to lie, i could've told the truth, which would have left me stuck and i didn't want to be stuck tonight. i didn't want to be a lot of things, but here i am the embodiment of them all with smudgy makeup and a stuffy nose. tear trails down my cheeks and not a soul that cares but me.

lesson learned universe, no more lies.

The Wall (05.17.12)

There's this place that runners call "the wall." its different for everyone. some people get to the wall after a mile, or two, or more, or less. when riding my bike around henderson, where my mom lives, i would reach my wall after and hour of biking. always on my way home from the library. i would only be about a half mile away at the bottom of an incredibly steep hill, i could walk the rest of the way but it always hurt more. at times i would stop, catch my breath, and then continue on forward but slowly.

today i have reached the first wall of many more to come. being back in the city, after some time,  initially can cause a shock to the system. i've been running around all week, walking, climbing steps, running for busses & trains. i came home today because of an allergic reaction i was having to some food. after i took my allergy meds, i fell out. now that i am awake my body is aching in ways i have forgotten about. i feel the need to stop and rest. but then i remember i haven't seen my kids in two days. my husband is suffering from terrible pain in his knees. i lost my metrocard, so i will have to walk the 1.3 miles to their house. it's a tough decision to make, to climb the wall. get over it to the other side triumphant and continue forward.

my problem is motivation. my body doesn't won't cooperate and rationalize it to move for that long. after that nap, i'm still drowsy from the medication. getting to the bathroom was a chore that required a lot of wall support. but then i think about them and how they haven't seen me in two days. i think about how he needs me...

and i realize its that rationale that got me in this position in the first place. choosing the needs of other ahead of the needs of myself. its a small thing, a small thing that once turned into a big thing. does making the choice of me over him/them make me selfish? or does it show i've learned from my mistakes? had this been last year at this time, i would rush over to be there and do whatever needs to get done. i wouldn't be listening to my body when it tells me "REST!!!!!!" I would just be listening to my heart, telling me how much i miss them. and i would go.

so today my choice is to take the rest i need. return to them at full strength, ready, willing and able to be great for them.