Right now I want to be angry. At him, at myself, at her; the failure of my marriage, my loss of home, sense of security, threads of mental stability, the lies, betrayals, abuses, absurdities and lack of regular sexual contact with another human.
But I can't.
I literally can't. I feel the emotions begin to swell from time to time but dissapaite by the time they've reached my brain to be processed into words. I don't know how or when it happened.. Maybe New Years Eve? possibly from the moment I took off from Vegas.. I have no clue. I do know that somewhere in this past month, I turned a corner. I am not a desperate, lonely, fearful, angry, spiteful girl. I am a quiet, motivated, inspired, driven, focused woman following her vision. I'm not hung up not tied to my past any longer. I see past mistakes before I repeat them and have consistantly chosen a different response.
Case in point: A week ago, I was able to endulge my stalker fantasies and dillusions of marital duty, and loom on J's FB page for the first time since July. Back in the summer, he deleted me to "protect his company from our personal bullsh*t storms"; which had escalated to previously unseen heights. (lets just leave it at that; it was bad). I understood that, and thought nothing of it since I still shared a computer with him & could loom on his various pages any time I pleased. However, once both laptops were broken, his phone became the only source of internet available. Fast forward to last week. I'm cruising along on my stalking spree, when I scroll back through his post to September. There it sits, a picture of our children; my children hugging & playing with O. My daughter draped from her neck like a Jesus piece on display. My son, our son, hugged her thighs, his tiny hands probably cupping her ass. Looking at that picture, reading all the "congrats" from people I had once considered friends, seeing J flaunt her with our kids, praising her as his saving grace, his "tomorrow"; I damn near passes out from the flood of anger spreading through me.
At this point, you may be saying 'aren't you two divorced?" Why get upset?" The picture was dated 2 months before I was even informed that he had decided to move on with his life . Meaning he was parading our kids through his new relationship, without ant regard for the marriage he was in. People I thought were friends,we're just as fake as he was then. It hurt that he was out and about with her explaining away a marriage he preferred not to have. Replacing me with her without a second thought. At first I was embarassed to be the last to know. At that moment though, looking at that picture, I was defeated. I had been made a fool of and Now I can write about it with no shade. That night, staring at that picture I had a choice to make. I could get upset and blow up or I could leave it be and continue to move on with my life. I chose the latter, it served me well.
Even now while he continues to act in the same manner as before ; i.e. combative & secretive, I remain cool, calm, & collected. Viewing the bigger picture for once. It serves me to be calm and remaun focused. I channel my energiea into my art. Eventually I will love again, probably not the same way I loved him. No one will/can ever again have that much of me but eventually someone will prove I am worth it. And it will be a love that both serves me and deserves me.
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
