Life is funny. The minute it seems my dreams are coming true, here come the catches to keep me wrapped up in doubt & diapair. Its better then destitution but still not somewhere I want to be.
I've worked too hard to overcome the self doubt that prevented me from pursuing my artistic goals for so long. Now a month away from my first "big deal" gallery show and here is circumstantial doubt swiping at my head.
What is circumstantial doubt, you ask? Its the doubt that arises in ones mind due to external circumstances/situations. For example, I am now doubting that this show was meant for me to do because I can't afford it. I have to pay musicians out of my own pocket, get 35-50 photos printed & mounted, compile my art portfolio, make sure to get people to come that will buy stuff. My models keep cancelling on me, so the work I put into my original concept is now for naught. The artists I chose for the group show, are either not in communication or slow to respond. Everyday I ease closer & closer to my goal with angst that it may not happen. Because if I don't raise $2,500 it won't. Printing alone is gonna cost about $600. Musicians are another 12/1300? I wish I could be confident and worry free but the reality makes it seem that this show is not meant to be. And if it wasn't, why did I win it? Why don't I have what I need?
Ironically, the circumstantial doubt has only made me dig deeper into work. Its only pushed me to go harder in everything I create. If only I could create myself a couple thousand dollars, that would be perfect. I am trying though, with a fundraising effort via gofundme. So far, so good. I'm about 5% to my goal of $2,500, with a whopping $210 in the past 21 days. My hope is that 150 of my friends believe in me enough to donate $25. I get that, and I'm golden. If not, it'll be pretty embarassing to have an empty floor where my art should be. Wish me luck :-)
If you would like to donate, go to:
Http://www.gofundme.com/jesanschezdirty30
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
