09.01: joy

The first day of my unemployment, my husband suggested I come spend some time with my children. That I bring some joy into my day. As selfish as it is I said no. I was so wrapped up in my anger at the overall shit storm I've created in my life that I rejected the idea of doing anything but wallowing in my misery. That's exactly what I did. I went home, got something to eat with my last few dollars and wrapped myself in my quilt and slept. I slept from about 6pm until the following afternoon. I moved for nothing and no one. And honestly, it was exactly what I needed to help extinguish the burning inside of me. The following days I again avoided contact with the little ones, knowing I was still not in the mind set to be with them. I was too focused on being unemployed. I wanted to be alone. I sort of still do but my humanity is beginning to return again. I am missing them more and more with the passing hours. I am becoming a "real person" so to speak. And all I want is to be a mom, not an ok one, or one that's around, but a really great mom. The question to be lived now is how do I do that while working out the issues I have with myself ? Am I being a bad mom by not staying with their father? Am I simply being a selfish woman if I admit that I can't always handle being a mom? I can't always comply with the demands of my husband? Why does admitting to that truth make me look (to others) and feel (to myself) like I am "less than" as a woman? If I were a man, would be feel this same guilt? Would society put this same stigma on me? Or would I just be "stereotypical"? I love my kids, no doubt about it. Those little people are the source of my greatest joy. They are by far my greatest accomplishment. There isn't a day where I am not proud and thankful to have been given the blessing of their lives. As wonderful as they are I often recognize the fact that I am not always able to cope. I am not always up to the task of being a mom. I am not always a "good" mom, I feel. Even though I know giving my best to them is being a good mom, I still feel "less than" the expectation.
(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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08.30/08.31: family

I have to confess that for the last three days I have been doing the bare minimum. On the first day of freedom (as I have come to think of it) I spent the greater part of the afternoon (let's say 12-5) at my father's house, shooting the shit, eating and watching t.v. Then I went on an employment walk from 14th street down, to a WoW Cafe Theater meeting (of which I'm now a member) and spent the remainder of the evening with my husband. After getting home around 130a, I decided to sleep in today. Its was such a wonderful, calm day, I did it again today. Upon waking up at 130p, I had lunch & dinner with my father . Then went to an open house for the company I would die to work for; Brooklyn Industries. A straight 3 hours that was completely enjoyable. I met some pretty nice people, saw an old friend, and laughed a lot. Unfortunately for me I realize that I lied in my interview, from pure reflex of saying that's where I worked. I also recognized that I still think of myself as apart of the soho team. I went in today and no one seemed concerned, I also didn't go walking around the store either. So whomever I saw, I saw. Those I didn't, I didn't. Speaking of Soho, I saw Blanca at the BI interviews and almost broke my neck laughing so hard. Not that she couldn't get it, cause she totally could, she was just the last person I would've thought was trying to leave Fuckery21. On the bright side, I think I made a good impression overall. My energy was good, my answers were genuine and I gave off a good positive energy. I maintained eye contact, eveen with the rolly eyed chick, so we'll see how that turns out.
I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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08.29: Optimism

Today was my day off from work. However, I made the decision to go in & help out with whatever clean-up needed to be done (post irene) and such things. 3.5 hours later I was "let go" aka fired. And for about an hour, until just now, I was pissed about it. So full of anger I had considered going back just to curse them out. But my better mind prevailed. Instead I am now off to be productive with my day. I am going to search & apply for every job I can online. I'm even going to go back to AE and see if they're might be a spot for me there. Cause no matter what I need a job asap.
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8.28: forgiveness

Today I was a failure as a human being. And I forgive myself for it. I can accept that I'm having a bad day because my spirit is attached to a funky feeling. I feel it physical and in turn display it. I was lazy, short, easily annoyed, & impatient. I'm appreciative of the day with my kids. I just forgot how to not allow myself to outwardly express my horrible inside feelings.
This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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8.26/27: embrace life (relaxation, appreciation, celebration)

For the last few days it seems the only thing anyone has been able to talk about in this city is Hurricane Irene. Its been compared to the last great storm to hit NY over 100 years ago, and Katrina. While I hope neither ends up being the case, I am confident the city is taking these precautions for the safety of the public.
With that said I woke up today to read a text stating that we (my staff and I) would be accountable for all shifts we were scheduled for over the weekend. I learned that I (all management) would be on-call all weekend long, regardless of hours or requests. That if we were called-in, we would be obligated to fulfill those shifts. My company was serious, some stores went as far to threaten associates with disciplinary action against them if they didn't show up. So for the first time ever, I called out from work. I turned down a day of easy money to remain with my family. And I don't feel bad about it.
Its been so long since I had an entire weekend with my kids. To watch them, talk with them, and just hang out doing lazy family activities. They gave me the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. I made some home cooked meals. It was great. The best part is that after this weekend I am no longer paranoid about the bond between them & I. With this separation lasting longer & longer, I was beginning to feel weighed down by guilt that they didn't love me anymore. I was obsessed with the feeling that they might begin to believe that I don't love them as much, or worse, at all. This weekend blew all of that away. It erased any doubt I had in my mind about being an unfit parent. It validated my choice to leave because even though I had a bad day yesterday, it was so much better than bad days of past. It confirmed my humanity. The fact that under whatever this is on my service, I am still very much human. Prone to error and filled with the ability to learn from my mistakes & grow to change.
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