At 8 years old I had my 1st vivid dream, what shamans would call a vision. I saw my grandmother laying helpless on a floor crying out for help. Minutes later, shocked I jolted awake in my grandparents empty 4 post bed. The bed I had shared with my grandmother since my grandfather's bed was cold & vacant. My grandma, bajan raised, was always the early riser. Waking with the sun, humming her biblical songs shuffling around the house doing one chore or another. So I jumped out of bed in search of my busy bee. My footsteps echoed along the halls as I searched. On and on I went from room to room. The history of my family eying me from the walls the whole way. Until I reached the basement door ajar. And that's when I heard her. Faintly at first, her usually strong willed voice sounded light, like a baby's coo. Creeping down the basement stairs I found her at the bottom, having slipped trying to avoid kicking Hollywood (our cat), her feet got tangled and there she remained unable to get herself up. It was the first time I had seen her so vulnerable. So weak. It was a sight to my child eyes, seeing your hero fallen, helpless. It felt worse being unable to help her myself, no matter how much I tried, my immature body did not possess enough strength to life my fallen soldier. So I ran and woke my older brother in a panic.
Since then there have been several other occasions where I will have vivid dreams come to pass. I dreamed her death, as well as those of my niece and an older of mine. As I got older I forget the dreams. I am only left with the resonant feeling and an overbearing thought concentrated on the person the dream was about, followed by a thorough cleansing of my soul. Aka I cry uncontrollably for anywhere from an hour to three until I regain control of myself and drift into a blank sleep. It never happens with random people, only family members.
This morning was no different but it scared me the most. For this morning I dreamed about my mother. And I couldn't shake the feeling that her passing is soon to come. I dreamed of her pain, so much pain she is feeling. And I woke up amid tears & mumblings I cannot remember. My mind's eye focused on her and I could only feel a void where I'd usually feel her presence. I'm sure this sounds even weirder than believing I can foresee the death/pains of those I love. But my mom an I have aways had a freaky twin-like connection. There are many days where I am down and she'll call at the exact moment I need her support.&positive influence. She keeps me from going over the edge. I called her, twice and got no answer until I called her boyfriend. And he let me know that my mom is indeed in a lot of pain from a recent fall at work. So much so that she hasn't gotten out of bed for the past two days & she hasn't been sleeping well. While it doesn't help that I was right, I'm calmed to know she's not alone. She's got someone who loved her watching over her. And though I'll never express my full appreciation to him (cause I really don't like him), I am happy he is there. It eases my mind. I'm still worried though.
For the first time I am seriously considering her mortality. A thought I realized I've never had before. I never considered her death, what it would mean or how it would affect me. What will I do if/when she dies? Because one day she will die. As morbid as it is to think about, it must be considered, because the day will come & then what will I do?
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