#138 (SoHo Billboard)

Days before seeing it with my own eyes, I had heard about it. The infamous pro-life billboard in Soho proclaiming the womb as the most dangerous place for an african-american child. After the initial shock I spent my off day looking for this oversized reminder that unjust bias still resides in the world, and even worse it's plastered in the streets of my beloved city. Seeing it only made my emotional response worse.
Standing alone on the corner in the rain, I was the only one in the crowd unable to move, crying for memory of being that woman who had to make that choice. I stood there crying for 10 years of what might have been, and 3 years of what was and still is the worst yet best choice i had ever made. I hated that in my face was a reminder of the lives I had altered. I hated that for 5 minutes I was a lively, talented, intelligent, ambitious, 17 year old hs senior facing a world of possibility and pondering the reality of a baby again. I remember that saturday in a brisk October, the only day I could do it without arousing my mother's suspicion and ultimately incurring her wrath. Like any "cool" mom she knew everything I was doing, and taught me everything I needed to know to protect myself. So I should have known better. I should have been better. I remember going to soho alone ans waiting for what seemed like forever. Seeing the sad, drawn faces of the girls who had been before me. Waiting in my white gown & socks, staring at (possibly) the same spot as everyone else in the room. Too ashamed to call anyone for help, after ward I waited alone and feared I'd always be that way. As if from that moment on a scarlet A would forever be branded on my forehead. Some years later I would be diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), and in effect may never have children. But neither scenario was the case. Today I am the mother of two beautiful children. But for 5 minutes I was 17, alone, angry, and scared.
After the memory faded, the anger remained. To be a black woman in america is enough without the extra in your face commentary of the ultra conservatives. That posted reminded me of a time in childhood when white kids in school would tell me to go back to my country. As if african slaves had been given a choice in the matter. Its an open display of racial bias disguised as an ideal. TBC...
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#78

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.... Both of us deserve better than to stay together our of fear of being destroyed if we don't" -Eat Pray Love
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#37

And then there are days like this. When business gets so crazy I want to scream. I come in early, leave late, and have a slight recollection of the 13 hours in between. I sit in anticipation of the next 4 days to past. For the day of justification to arrive and I can finally remember for a short while why I allow myself to get consumed by the consumers.
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And I w

Sometimes I wish I had never met her, so I didn't sit here at night and think about her. Wondering if her taste was as sweet as her smile. if I could ever get tired or kissing her lips. I wish I didn't look back at that time but could look forward to being in her presence once again. I still can't understand how she knew how to make me smile. How she knew exactly what spot would cause my body to contort in pleasure. I want to pick her brain and listen. I wish I could learn from her all the secrets her old soul has been keeping. To be continued...
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#22

"I'm probably pissed off because I woke up..." L.V.original
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#82

At first the conversation had me with my defences down. I had let go of my guard at her compliment and apology. Immediately regretting it. Through tears I read the hateful words she threw wildly, never missing her target. To b
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#53 (today)

Today, for reasons known only to my spirit, I wish I could crawl back into bed with my head tucked to my knees. I wish I could spend the morning hours drowning in my tears. When I was younger I would listen for the sound of a soul's departure. Usually random bouts of crying tend to be a prelude to the death of a loved one. I never know exactly who unless I dream about it in those moments of quiet between hurricanes of anguish. The forgotten peaceful sleep that comes with releasing what lays within my soul. Most times I don't remember the dream, so I am, at times, confronted with a shock in the aftermath of said storms.
But today can not be the day a loved one dies. Today I must be stoic in my appearance. I must be even-tempered, calm, patient, and kind. Because today I must work. I must force my brain to function. I must keep my spirits will at bay beneath my painted smile and cheery eyes. I hide within myself and prepare my mind for today.
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#79

Recently I have admitted several truths to myself. That I have lied to myself for most of my life. I've allowed myself to live in the illusion that if I am a good person and do good for others then life will be good. the truth is shit never really gets better, it just changes shape. People will not always like you. They'll hold tight to their beliefs like air for lungs because without it they'll probably die.
I used to embrace life so deeply, with a fullness that was overwhelming. Now I accept the mediocrity it has become. I embrace the feelings of anguish I feel inside because otherwise I'd probably give in to the voice that whispers softly in my ear. She entices me with promises of peace in a place where suffering is unknown. so within my shell of solitude, I cry and write, expressing all that I know in an attempt to empty the space. I pretend rainbows exist and smile anyway.
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#21s

There is no more pretending
Our time is never ending
There's only so much you can say to make me change my mind
There's no more second chances
No more room for advancing
Let's face it, our romance is dead, and gone

And baby its too little too late
(Too little too late)
Although tomorrow is another day
(Tomorrow is another day)
I'm done wiping tears away
(No more tears)
I shed all my fears today
(And moving on)

To be continued...
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#33

I'm not the girl you want to fuck with, unless you just want to fuck. -QOTD
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Re: Saturn Interview, 2010 in question...

2010 started off as the most dramatic year of my life yet. I had recently married a man I thought I loved, despite his recent dip into crazy town. I stayed with him anyway, desperate to prove to him & myself (I later learned) that I was committed to the relationship & family we had decided to form. I was also a mother for the 2nd time, finally regaining hormones balance after having become a mother for the 2nd time within 2 years. 2009 was rough but proved to only be preparation for the wild ride to semblance that 2010 showed itself to be.
At this time I have to interject that I have always been (and I believe will always be) a bisexual woman. Since December of 2008 I had dedicated myself to nurturing my new role in the traditional sense of the word. Being a "good" mother & a "good" wife. I stopped hanging out with those friends of mine that aroused my "unconventional" desires, I swallowed the urges of attraction I felt and remained faithful to my husband. Despite the constant proofless - -- accusations, non-stop vocal & physical arguments, I remained faithful. As time passed I couldn't settle the storm that remained brewing inside.. The final straw came in july, while working 2 jobs, tired of arguing over a past that would never change, I decided to be honest in a painful way and considered the possible alternatives to my life. I came clean with my husband that although I had remained faithful, the course of our relationship had led me to the realisation that I was no longer in love. The storm would not calm because I was no longer willing to be a fool for or in love. By the time summer ended, I had itirrated my need for space, my want to be alone to clarify the contradictions within myself. I started seeing a physchologist, breaking down and through the issues I held inside. Sometime in september I met a woman who rocked me to my core the instant we met. It was as if our energies recognised each other from a past life. Like when you meet someone that your spirit immediately bonds to even though your mind can't process the connection. Anyway, through a series of pure coincidence, she helped me begin the journey to love myself again. To honour me and the people in my life. I cut my hair, and instantly felt a spiritual burden being lifted. She brought inspiration to me, in a way I hadn't had in a long time. She awakened the goddess within me.
In August in husband went away leaving me with an ultimatum. That I either decide to stay in this relationship or call it quits. Upon his return, I told him I had decided to leave and we separated even while still living together for financial support. The next couple months continued how much of the year had already went, fights and distance. Eventually I let myself be free and allowed myself the indulgence of this woman. And it was magical, a little disappointing, but magical still. I don't regret it, and never will.
We started marriage counselling in late november. We got through the holidays taking comfort in a friendship we haven't shared for years. And the night of our one year anniversary we listened to each other unload their heart with the decision to leave. To split that which just may be too broken to fix. Ironically a peaceful ending to a year that never seemed to end.
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#67

I think the reason I do not write is because I can now speak the words, uninhibited, not intoxicated, but definitely under the influence of requited self-love.
I have pride, I own my grace, the beauty that is my face, hiding a sensitive heart & insightful mind,
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