Decisions, decisions

For the first time in three years, my wasband and I are finally going to receive our tax return money! No more government agencies seizing it to pay a debt we had fallen off paying.

So under the advice of my super awesome financial planner/advisor, I am taking a portion of said return and gifting it to myself as play money. There are only two rules, I can not spend it on a bill or debt.  I can not save it, it must be spent. It must be spent on something that makes me feel good. Somehing that brings me some joy. Aargh! Such a  hard decision to make right now, when just breathing brings me joy. I am happiness from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes. I am finally alive.  In this new incarnation of life, delighted by the simplest of things. So what do I do?

I did consider taking a trip. Like a full out vacation to some semi-exotic/island location. A place where I can truly forget my troubles, lounge around naked, have a love affair, and big drinks served in coconuts with tiny umbrellas. This place must also not require a passport, as I do not have one right now. I considered visiting family in Vegas, Miami, LA, Canada, or the US Virgin Islands. All very great options. The downside is having to miss work. Being that I will soon be moving to a new place, I need all the incone I can make.

That leaves me with things I can do here. Like a spa day. I am much in need of a massage. I can go for a facial, maybe a mani/pedi to prep for the spring. Get my hair done by a professional.. OmG!! Its been forever since I've been to a salon..

I also considered beginning my next tattoo or finishing the half-sleeve I started four years ago. The estimates I got when looking for an artist are approximate to the allocated fun money budget. I would feel happy to have a new piece of art for summer. It would definitely be healed in time. The downside? None really, unless you count the copious amounts of weed I will have to smoke to get through the five hour sessions.

I also considered furniture or decorating my new room, however, I included furniture into moving costs. There goes that idea.

Then there is my need to restock my earring supplies. The business must be maintained. But even then, those supplies come no where near how much I have in the fun budget. I'd have too many art supplies at that point. And I already have just about every color acrylic & oil marker under the sun in varying sizes. And I know what you're thinking. I could replace my beloved Betty (may she rest in pieces). That had also been factored into the necessary business expenses, along with a laptop & business cards. What else is there?
There is my kids. But they too have their own fun budget in place. Moneys to be set aside for their clothing, our fun days out, even the beginnings of college funds for them both. Besides, they are a constant responsibility. Objectively, they would fall into the debt catagory. Though I can never spend enough on/with them to repay the universe for what they  give me.

Hmmm.. Who knows. Maybe I should have spent it on that big showcase, opening for M.O.B. Naaah.. I'm not about that life. Whatever I decide, I'm already happy.

Love & Light,

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

You spin me right round'

While its not the first time this year that my peace has been broken, it is the first time i gave in to the swelling wave of anger as it began to overtake me.
Luckily, I didn't allow it to completely engulf me, I made the decision to remove myself fron the space for the sake od our children. Knowing that to remain would only have driven me deeper into rage. Having to stand and listen to his justification for the past as if it is still relevent or valid. Knowing full well that  to have destroyed my equipment, some very expensive equipment, was wrong. Even moreso because in destroying my beloved camera, he destroyed my business. The single secure revenue stream that I had from my art. The thing that would have allowed me to produce the additional funds he now demands I pay on top of child support. Its not as if he doesn't know I can't afford this additional expense that he himself can not afford. He knows. But as always he doesn't care. Because nothing matters outside of what he wants. What he thinks is the "right" way to raise and care for our children. The children I bore.
He casts my opinion and facts aside for what he sees fit. Again leaving me feel foolish for willingly giving him the benefit of the doubt. For thinking he was ready to really make progress co-parenting. All I asked is that he helps pay for the camera he broke. Help restore the business he destroyed. He quickly reminds me that he helped me pay for the camera the first time. While just as quickly forgetting that at the time he called it an investment. That he believed in my talent and drive. He saw it as helping me empower myself to do for myaelf as he has done with his business'. He easily forgets all the free work I did for him which could (and would) have easily cost him between $800-1500 with any other photographer. Whether they liked the work or not. Whether they had to be therenfor guidance or not. They would have had to pay for a profeasionals time. The fact that not only did I shoot for hours, I also scouted locations, aquired and scheduled talent. Half his frikin site. But does he see the value? Does he even appreciate the work? Doeabhe consider our debt even? No.
Furthermore I don't understand how he paid for half when the money came fron our joint return that was to be split 50/50 between us. I was told it came out of my half. So how is it now that he paid for it? If I were a malicious and hurt filled person, I would simply take the money I need before giving him his half of this year's return. If I was that vindictive and mean spirited still, I would give him what I deem appropriate. I could but I won't because what would it really solve? Hoe far would that set back our relating if I acted like him instead of allowing him to choose to be his better self? Deapite him rarely choosing to be, its the choice I still make. Why? Because I don't need him. I don't want to be him and frankly I realized with this venting that I am beyond him. Not better then, just beyond. As in nothig he does can/will hurt or hold me back ever again in life.
This year again, we have the opportinity to put ourselves back into a responsible position by getting an apartment. Either individually or together. One way or another, I will create a physical home for myself and our children. I am creating a place of love and comfort so my children do not have to unnecessarily suffer in her house anymore.  If it means that I will have to assume full custody and primary care, so be it. I will not adibe by my children being forced to overhear her talk about me as if I am the worst human alive because I overslept after working an 8 hour overnight shift and a weekend where I had a total of 9 hours sleep over 3 days. She condemns me to whatever spirits she talks to without remembering my children, our children are in the next room. Rather then eliminate the problem of being there, he'd rather continue to enable it. I offer to get an apartment with him, he rebuffs the idea as if I offered him bed bugs. Easily forgetting that we would most likely never be in the same space at the same time. That if we were to co-operate and truly coparent, our children could have both of us in their lives everyday. They're wouldn't be a 3rd party non-parent in the background constantly undermining out discipline and ideals. He wouldn't have to hear her complaints all the time about every avoidable financial problem under the sun that she has. Our family would have healthy meals every day. Our family would have a roof over their heads. By no means am I trying to remarry hin or fix our broken past relationship. I am simply trying to ensure the physical, mental, and emotional well being of our family. As far as she goes, she is a relative who has been more then generous with her house. I am and will always be extremely grateful for that but she is not apart of our family. Same as my parents, they are spectators, outsiders when it comes to our family. Our family, the sanchez family, consists of 4 people. Hom, me, k & ni. Everyone else is irrelivent. Today he says to me that if she allows Pepo back into the house he'll take our kids tp a shelter and move out. WTF!????!!?!? Why not move out now, stand on your own two with me. Lets build. No one says this apt would have to be forever but it would be a great help in us keeping a better hold on how our children are raised. On what they take in. On how they.process our new relation. It will make a difference on how they act, talk, and think. Like right now how they are stuck in the pattern of playing the go-between game. If it were just he and I parenting them, they would know we are a team. That they can't go get their way by trying to get someone else to give them what they want. But right now they barely listen to us because she is there always ready to say yes when we say no. It undermines us as parents. But he sees nothing wrong with it. I recognized today that he is extremely comfortable enabling her because she takes care of him. And still he is not confident in my ability to be responsible and adjust my life/ambitions for our children. Also he's stuck in the past still. Its a shame. He won't even consider it because of what he wants. He wants to stay at het house and hear/deal with her shit. If not, why else continue to endure it? Why keep yourself in a situation that is not changing. Even if he brings up my inability to pay support on time, if he thought about it, and got out of the past, he'd realize that I remain workinf through every hardship. As much as I don't pay support, its because I pay for everything. I pay rent to my father to live in a chair, buy 2-3 meals a day, phone bill, storage, student loan payments, child support plus any additional activities or neceasities they need that he can't afford, & transportation; it all comes out of my check. He doesn't want to let ne use food stamps to buy some food and reduce how much i eat out but he will allow her to fees the church, baby showers, and any other event she is asked to cater without any compensation. Come on. What irks me is that these are current practices, not a past actions.
All of these things remain the same, year after year. He is okay with it. If he wasn't why else perpetuate a cycle you have the power and opportinity to break, better yet to end?

Love & Light,

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

Finding Love in a Hopeless Place

It is a new month. February. Black history month. Celebrations of love. Valentine's day soon approaches. And while I am seriously single for the first time in forever, I am not hating the thought of spending this time alone. I am not afraid of it. As a matter of fact, I am excited by the prospect of celebrating  this feeling I seem to always feel and occasionally embody. Love.
Last year, I spent Valentine's Day 3000 miles away from my partner. At that time, I didn't know we were at the beginning of the end of our relationship. I was sad. I was depressed to be with someone but so seperated. I spent the day enjoying the sunshine of my princess. We crafted and colored cards for her brother and father back in new york. Together we made a red velvet cake, and healthy dinner of shrimp alfredo with steamed broccoli. Then, joined by our third generation, my mother, all ate dinner together. Us three lonely hearts clung to one another as supplement for the loves we were missing. As I reflect on it now, it was probably the beginning of the beginning of my current state of being.
Meaning the ability I have aquired over the last year to be content with myself. To be happy with my own company. To be love in the depths of my thoughts. Everyday I wake up now with an energy I can't explain. I am filled with what I can only describe as love.
Case in point, this weekend. Friday night while intending to run a simple errand in Brooklyn, picking up my photos, I ended up in the middle of amazing conversation with beautiful minded artists & thinkers. Maybe because it was unexpected, maybe it was because my spirit craved the company of people. Whatever the reason, something so simple, was made amazing in my memory. After a while I make my way to leave to head to a going away party of a good friend who is leaving this week to begin his new life in the US Army. I'm so drunk off alcohol and good vibes that I'm walking down 55th street freestyling on video. Nearly at my destination, I notice an ambulance ahead, and like any nosey human, I stop my recording to see what happened. And for a moment time stands still as I recognize the face of the injured, bleeding man being taken away is my wasband. Upon my brains regiatration of this fact, I am knocked back into sobriety. Yet I hear myself saying, "I am his wife. What happened?". I know its no longer a position I hold, yet I keep informing the paramedics about his medical history. I know its not what I am anymore but I claim it anyway, begining the motions of emergency protocal. Holding his hand so he knows he's not alone, checking for coherency. I  thought it was the alcohol but I realize its the love inside of me. This energy that has consumed me since the Universal time shift last December (more on that in another post). This energy guiding my actions and thoughts. This energy allowing me to not get caught up in past facts, lets me love him still without the need to possess him. Its this energy that reminds me that I will always be his wife, and its okay for me to care for and about him because its my selfish need to care for him. Because no matter how far we go or who else we come to love and share our lives with, he and I will forever be connected. So it is okay to love him. With this distance, I am able to love him more. Love him correctly, the way I did originally, freely. Without necessity to control, possess, judge, prove, pacify, condemn, or obligate. In this space, we are fulfilled & happy individuals. I remained by his bedside all night until I could be sure it would be okay to leave.
My Saturday began with a cup of coffee as the sun rose over John Jay Campus. I get uptown in time to share a snack of fruit with our kids before we get ready for Ni's first day of 3 year old journey. We go and enjoy ouselves, come back for lunch and naps but I can't sleep. I'm still worried, becoming more and more concerned with the state of their father in the hospital. So as soon as relief comes, I return to his side. His condition has worsened from when I left 9 hours prior. As necessary, my love once again transforms me into former roles of health care provider & advocate. Spreading my disappointment around the emergency room until the doctors & nurses take notice
of this man in need of care. I learned he had been ignored for hours. Thought to be discharged and simply awaiting a ride, he was left to suffer on the side of an empty pit desk. His bed, so low, the counter blocked any visability of him. He went unexamined or checked up on from 1:30 until I raised a stink around 6pm. They finally take action and allow me a moment of relief. I go outside to call family and update them. But as soon as my face meets the winter air, I crumble. I slide into a low crouch, hug my knees and cry. For the time it takes me to smoke a cigarette, I cry without stopping or shame. I never like crying, especially in public. I always feel wrong because I always hate to not answer passersby who always want to know "whats wrong?". Because what do you say when nothing is wrong? Maybe the truth, that its a natural reaction to stress. That I am afraid he may die. That I am scared that he will relapse. When really the truth is, I am crying because I fear my love is still wasted on him. That once he is better, he may come to forget how much and how well I cared for him when I didn't have to. He may make decisions that hurt more then help because he feels protected by them, yet not realize all I still do to protect him. And that I do all this out of love because I want to not because I have to, I cried for all of this and for him.
Once I pull myself together, I return to assure him I'll be back and remind the doctors that I'm watching them. Then its back to Harlem for  the nightly ritual with the kids. Dinner. Bath. Story. Bed.
Emotionally wound, I find my release on a stage at tge S.W.A.G. Open Mic in Brooklyn. I did one freestyle, 1 written, and received so much love in return. So much appreciation that I was renewed. I continue on into the freshly falling snow to attend a good friends first saturday party. She lives across from the museum and opens her home for all of us to comnune. Usually inviting some wonderful, little known, artist to adorn her walls. Surrounded on all sides by beauty, art, love, and intelligent conversation reminded me to do a shout out to my life. That I am blessed beyond compare to have people and spaces and outlets in my life that keep giving me what I need exactly when I need it.
I went home alone. Spending my last bit of pay on a much needed cab home. Collapsing into the big, warm bed, I drifted into sleep almost instantly until 3pm the next afternoon. I can't remember what I dreamed. But whatever it was, it was a most peaceful sleep. Renewing. Reviving. It was during my phone call to the hospital to check up on wasband I realized that I had not slept for two days. I know I didn't register that fact until that moment, so I could be reminded of the power love gives me. The stamina & fortitude it fills me with so I may be all I need to be for those I love. In that moment, I also realized, whether he appreciates or ever chooses to acknowledge me for what I do for him doesn't matter. Because I don't do it for recognition or  for a pleasant attitude or even for him. I do it because thats what love demands. I am satisfied knowing he still draws breath. That he will be here another day to continue being a great father to our children. My love contributed to that. And so I am fulfilled. I am happy. I am thankful.
Had this been a different time, he would not have been a second thought. I would have passed him on the street that night, seeing he was with his friend. I would have been the "uberbitch" people tell me I should be with him. When I imagine having acted like that now, the thought makes me sick. I am seeing how far I have come and how much I have healed. I am not bitter, resentful, or vindictive. When he decided on divorce, I was full of rage for so many things, mostly because I had lost hope. I had let my hurting lead me to believe that I would never feel love like this. In my hurt, I believed that him leaving me was a sign that ni one could love me and vice versa. As I write this, I laugh with my spirit as if it was an inside joke. Because I was wrong. I found love in a hopeless place. I'm now perfectly at peace. For that I smile.

Love & Light,

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com