The Scribe

I have no more than these words to give
By no other means shall I live
For
I am a writer
A scribe of the inspired
Speaker of my truth for the seekers of the root
I write instead of run
Because the breath that fills my lungs never lasted longer than the ink on my paper
I write as prayer
To show gratitude for the gifts I've been given
As sacrifice
I bare my soul on parchment
I spread open my chest on stage
For I am not the architect just a conduit of my ancestry's hopes
I hope I live up to the expectation
I used to try to write inspirational intellectual culturally aware pieces
Things that would uplift & educate
Till I was left to hold the weight
I then decided, maybe I should wait
Let inspiration have its way with me
before committing to more than
just my dreams

Love & Light

Hotd#6

He died she said
Who died I said
She said his name
I said nothing

Love & Light

Woman

And what about when I just want to be a woman?
With nothing proceeding or following but success?
Because I always do my best
To just
Be a woman
Not a black, queer, wife, mother, sister, lover, working, superwoman
Just a woman
I live for those moments
Relish in the luxury of letting my hair & guard down
Wrap myself in the freedom of it
Surrender my soul to the serenity of silence
My mind & spirit sing a melodic cacophony in celebration of that moment
That random, rare moment
Where standing bare
Wanting nothing
I am nothing more
Nothing less
Than a woman
Simply
Lovely
Loved
Woman.

JSC112111
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09.28: preparation

Its been about a full month now that I have been unemployed, and have had absolutely no income whatsoever. Its only by the grace of the universe that I have survived this long. Regardless of how hard this struggle gets, I see that I am resilient, adaptable, resourceful, and stronger inside than I thought before. I'm recognizing a definite exponential positive growth within myself to not give in to the darkness that is beating against the locked door of its captivity. I have become a million times more powerful in the last 30 days then I had realized until today. Formerly I would have taken this free time to seek solace in a bottle or drug. I would have sought out the fast paying jobs & crowds of people that would allow me to sustain an inebriated state of wallow . Instead I spend my nights with my children laying in my arms way past their transition to sleepy land. I stay and watch them breath. I stay as close as possible for as long as possible so when they wake up in the night I am there.
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09.29: reinforcing positivity

I got a job! Even better I got the job that I wanted *does cat daddy*. The last 30 days has been a rollercoaster of unpredictability. Even today I was unsure of what I was going to do as far as making a steady stream of money, providing for myself and my family, etc. I'm still a little worried as to what I will do for the next few weeks to keep a roof over my head but I am not worried. My faith in myself has been restored as I have seen the actual results that come when you believe despite all odds. As ironic as this turn of events is, I'm steadier in my spirit than I have been in while. I believed I would get this job when I applied originally. And I kept the positive attitude that "I want" the job instead of the negative "need" thought which so often sends people into a desperate area mentally. Now I'm just thankful & excited for CUPCAKES!!!!
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09.27: conception from commitment

Today will forever be lodged in my memory as the day I decided to jump out the plane. While I did go skydiving for my birthday, today is the first day that I have decided to be fearless in my life's choice. Today is the day that I consciously and whole heartedly decided to produce my first show, at a theater, for paying people .
I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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09.24: embracing personality, explaining persona

For the last 3 or 4 months I have been apart of the WoW Cafe Theater. Wow is a theater collective of women & transpeople created for us to have a "safe space" to create any kind of art that we want to. All members of the collective gain sweat equity by working, producing, & hming the shows of fellow members. When a member has gained enough equity, they can submit a request to produce a show of their own.
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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09.23: learning lessons (patience)

Two days ago, I was told that my UE benefits had been held up because my former employer had protested my claim. [For those who don't know] When that happens, your claim is put on hold while an examiner goes over the claim to decide whether it is valid. Ie they decide when and if you get your benefits. But its not until you have made a claim for 3 weeks (a month in reality) that the "service people" can give you a direct number. Before that time you can only wait on hold for 45 or so minutes to be transferred to "their extension" (aka an answering machine) That was my Thursday (9.22)
Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.

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I just had to get this off my chest

Not to sound racist but this temporarily pissed me off.
The white lady at the rally behind me tells her friend how important it is that they be here and we (as a people) need to eliminate the death penalty because it could happen to any of us at anytime. And all I could do is scream because this won't happen to any of you EVER. As long as you are white, you remain covered by the underlying atmosphere of privilege in this country. You will always get the benefit of the doubt.
But on the other hand.. So glad you came out to show and voice your support.
(*deep breath*)
Love & Light

09.14: taking action

Today I spent some time by myself. What was meant to be me heading to a 2pm yoga class turned into me having an inspired thought to walk through my current neighborhood. (Thanks for the hold time tmobile) Inwood, my temporary adopted home. I'm only partially sad to admit I've never really explored this part of the city before. And now I'm glad I did. Walking down broadway along Fort Tyron park was so beautiful, almost like a state of meditation.

It gave me time to consider what it is it would take for me to allow myself to be happy in this life. Beyond the generic answers of love, a good income, shelter, health, etc. This path was more specific. Like what talents do I already possess that I can develop further in order to make a living from? What do I love to do more than anything else? What can I teach myself to do? And on and on I went. I came up with a longer list than expected. I settled on the fact that photography is something I already possess a talent & eye for & love to do. Music, writing, wardrobe styling & hair styling are also among my top 10 answers. I came to a conclusion that I know a lot more that I give myself credit for. I also recognized that I know a lot less than I am comfortable with. I came to the decision that while a couple of classes and some major reading is in order, so is action. Meaning that every free moment I have should be dedicated to developing these interests into revenue streams for myself. Another thing I need to do more is self promotion.. Facebook and various other social networking sites are cool but I realize I don't have that many friends. Or rather I don't have that many friends that really care about my art like that AND I don't have enough connections to get in any place to showcase my art. I also just don't promote myself enough...
Now as I sit & write this I am dedicating myself to taking more action within my life & career path. It may does include getting a hrly wage job just to pay bills and pay for the equipment I need but its okay. This time I will not allow myself to get wrapped up in the money I'm making (or not making) because its not my career path. I won't be tied up in stress' that aren't mine. I will be using all my free time (and borrowed camera time) to shoot as much as possible to build my portfolio. I will develop enough content and clients for a portfolio site of my own. I will make a clear laid out business plan of how I want to shape my do-it-all entertainment network/company, RAW. I will continue to write everyday, as much as I can; as much as I am inspired to write. I will read up on all the things I do not know. I will continue to sneak into classes at my former college and learn for free. Basically I will do, not just think. And this time I won't stop or give up.
Love & Light

09.13: asserting independence over the past

It just occurred to me that while on the phone today, my mom said to me that "we need to have a plan because I've tried it someone else's way and it didn't work. So its time I listen to her so we can have a plan to help me get my shit together." And it struck me, this woman has listened to nothing I've said about being on vacation for the next 6 months and being an artist. Meaning that I will contribute a portion of my weekly UE to her household. While saving $ out of every check and pursuing an existence I love & am proud of. And giving J full access (& in a way control) to my financial situation. A very scary prospect but at least I'm sure it can't get much worse because my family's needs will be met.
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light

09.12: pride

My latest episodic addiction is the AMC show Mad Men. Its set in the world of an advertising form beginning in the 60's (aka the golden age of advertising). Anyway I'm a fan mostly for the fashions of the time. I love the way that a button down shirt & slacks wasn't considered "dressy", it was just normal clothing worn daily by all people.
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.

Love & Light

09.11: Compassion

Ten years ago today I sat upon my rooftop in Brooklyn, smoking a blunt, convinced the world was ending. I had woken up late for school, so my mom told me to take the day off. I went about my day, proceeding to my roof for a quick wake & bake. She said something was wrong with the tv, that something had hit the world trade center. But no more was really being said at that time.
At the time she & I lived in a modest sized 1 bedroom in the heart of BedStuy. What most people never say about the beauty of Brooklyn is that there is a gorgeous view of the manhattan skyline from most rooftops. It was my favorite place to go to when I wanted to cleanse my mind & relax.
That morning I rolled up my Dutch Master not noticing the billowing smoke in the distance. I remember thinking how foggy it was in lower manhattan on such a beautiful fall day. It was sunny out & the sun brought a false sense of a lingering summer.
I remember blowing out smoke and confusing it with what was already floating in the air. I watched the catastrophe in puzzlement. What could've caused that much smoke? Seconds later I got my answer as I watched the 2nd plane hit. A plane. An airplane full of people. And then it happened. They fell. One, and then the other. It looked like a mushroom cloud after the atomic bomb. A modern Hiroshima in the middle of the morning. That was the first time ever in my life that I was so grateful to wake up late. I got on my knees giving praise to the universe for sparing my life. Knowing that had I been on time that day, I would have been on a train under one of those buildings. I would have been joining the numerous unfortunate souls under a rubble of death. The rest of the day I spent in a state of shock with my best friend at the time. We immediately grabbed her kids from school under the fear that another attack was imminent. It never happened but in Brooklyn, the fear was enough of a motivation to bring us together, just in case.
Every year since, I have watched the memorials over the gaping hole that once was NYC's greatest architectural achievement. Now a mass grave of countless unknown civilians and heroes we'll never know. Hundreds of people that will never again get the opportunity of life that I was given. I shed a tear, light a candle, and change the channel.
Now ten years later, the hole remains, the MTA is too broke to finish construction of the terminal, WTC is no where near finished but the memorial is done. All the names of all the lives lost surrounding a hole in the ground.
To this day our country tries to convince us that terrorists orchestrated these tragic events. And we believe it because its easier to justify senseless loss of life if there is a bad guy to blame. Someone to go after and punish and hold accountable for actions even it was someone/thing else. No one likes to feel betrayed by those that should be protecting them. So every year, for this one day,m I forget everything I know to be true. I forget all the things that just don't add up (like all the random healthy heroes making millions while the real surviving heroes suffer in silence from lung disease caused by the debris they inhaled.. Or the millions of government subsidies given to NY state intended for business' that wanted to rent space in the new WTC being given to businesses in Westchester County & Brooklyn, etc). I pretend I know nothing and take the day to morn the loss of my fellowq NY'ers and be thankful for the life I still have.
Love & Light

09.10: Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. While high I realized that never in my life have I take a vacation. Not a real one where I don't do anything aside from things I enjoy doing. For the last 14 years I've been (for the most part) working non-stop ever since I was legally able to. And so I declare that for the next 6 months I will take a vacation from the seriousness of life. I will relax in the land of eternal sunshine & debauchery: Vegas. (Lol!) I will laugh with my mom & my daughter. I will care for my mental well being. I will meditate. I will visit Cali & Mexico & maybe even Canada. (Once I earn my drivers license & regain my mom's trust where cars are concerned)
I will live. I will not get bogged down in the land of overkill & burnout that is NY. Why continue to fight a losing battle? Or rather, why maintain the struggle?
I remember when I was younger, I thought my vast intelligence would have landed a luxurious cushy job by now. Had my life plan worked, I'd be on my way to early retirement at age 35. That was the plan. To go to college and attain a stable high paying job and retire at 35. Then I'd start my family life planning. Somewhere along the way though, around age 20, while in a place I didn't know and surrounded by strangers, I received the news that my grandmother had died. My boss at the time told me I couldn't leave for more than 3 days. I had to be back almost immediately. At that moment I made the decision that I didn't want to live this lonely life on the road all the time, only focused on making money, not making something greater of myself. So I quit, I came home to new york and buried my grandmother. I took my earnings & inheritance and settled into an apartment, went to school, fell in love, had some kids, and now here I am. 8 years later unemployed, separated, on the verge of homelessness in a pursuit of happiness and balance. But I'm not sad or weighed down by any of it. I love it. Had I known back then that there was this much joy to be found in living life, I would have jumped in sooner.
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Free write 09.05

Only I can sit at a busy bar and not talk to anyone, instead I write the rhymes I wish I could speak as fast as I think, typed thought, manifest an idea into reality, surrounded by inspiration, stuck in the spotlight, free flow turned bad style..
Alone, no love in or from the crowd, I sing, write.. I Speak words not speak freely
If every action has a consequence, I don't want to know what it is, too drunk to see where the bottom is, that's why we crash into pillows after billows of smoke. Pause... TBC
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09.03:Comfort

To my extreme surprise, J's sister came and took the children for the night, greatly altering our plans to have an afternoon of park antics. Instead we spread a blanket out on the floor and lounged about all afternoon & evening. With the exception of short walks of enlightenment, we did nothing and it was fantastic. To do nothing more than lay & cuddle with my husband. As separated as we may be, I recognize we still share love. He's still my best friend through it all. And sometimes my only friend. He puts up with my bullshit attitudes, and self-anger issues. He and I have a bond that goes beyond the pulpit and rules of society.
When I think about marriage & family, isn't that how it should be? We live in a "free" society so essentially people should be allowed to make their own rules by which to live their lives. Isn't that the purpose of free will?
Right now he & I are in a gray area known as separation. Even I'll admit that its weird some times. To have to leave his house after bed time and return to my own empty space, sometimes brings me down. Other times being alone is everything. Its comforting & enlightening to my soul. I'll wake up often and feel refreshed for a nights sleep uninterrupted by the fastidious kicking of our 4 year old or the choking scents of the prayer incense. I love sleeping alone some times. But today was a comfortable lounging type of day. Lounging with J is definitely one of my favorite past times. Most times he's the best company a girl could ask for. And today was just one of those days. Maybe it sends the "wrong" signal to him, for me to still be so comfortable with him that I can want to be separated from him, yet still get cozy in his arms in front the tv on a rainy night. And that is also the beauty of it, I guess.
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09.04: obligation

Today is the day that all people of West Indian descent, myself included, look forward to all summer. Its Jourvet Sunday & parade Monday. As long as I can remember that's always been the protocol for all us Island folk. For a lot of us New Yorkers the "West Indian Day Parade" on Eastern Parkway is the closest many of us will ever get to Carnival.
As a kid I was drawn in to going to see it because of the beautiful majestic costumes. They are truly transformative works of art. I always dreamed of being a butterfly in the parade one year. Maybe one day I will get my wish. As I got older I remained connected thru the music & food of my culture. And then one summer, when I was 15, I discovered Jouvet. The annual preparation/pre-party that happens before the parade. There's all sorts of antics. All of Flatbush becomes a street party leading up to the parade. in recent years it has become subject to the bullshit that some black people always wanna bring with them. Which over time has lead to a good time being over-regulated by law authorities.
This year for the first time, I had no actual plan on what I'd be doing for the night. I just knew that if I made it to P's house, we'd probably end up at Jouvet, but seeing as she never called, I just went to sleep.
When I woke up, I headed over to J's house to help with the laundry & have my daily dose of kiddy time. I'm glad I stayed through the night instead of wandering off with no particular destination. Because after out nightly walk & snacking ritual, his sugar sky rocketed to an amount so high the meter doesn't even bother to produce a number. It just read HI. I knew if I left, she'd freak out, call an ambulance
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09.02: self-affirmation (eliminating fear, lesson 1)

Today for the first time in a long time, I realized exactly how alone I am. Away from what I know, I am alone. But I'm not lonely. And although, all I'd like in the world right now is someone to go home & lay with. (Preferably a soft, yummy smelling female to stroke & hold. But at this moment I'm not picky. I'd even be satisfied by Rosa's ugly mean dog.) Instead of an empty bed again. What was initially an extreme relief, an empty bed, has become a void where I am sucked into my sorrows when I'm feeling down (like now). At this moment I have every intention of passing by my dad's house on my way home simply to delay the inevitable, being alone in am empty bed, and nearly empty room.
I'm sure though, that if I had a good book to read, cable, or more dvds I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about who is and isn't in my bed right now.
So I write. I write out every feeling. My fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes, worries..its only by having the conversation that we can open ourselves to understanding. I fill my alone time with writing, I write out all the mysteries of me and am constantly amused by what I discover with every written word.
Its a hard thing to write, to constantly find inspiration when you have none. I find that most of the time, I don't even finish what I write until days later. There's just so much, its Digging through the recesses of one's mind is becoming harder than finding gold. But the rewards of emptying that which has been so cluttered for so long, is priceless.
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09.01: joy

The first day of my unemployment, my husband suggested I come spend some time with my children. That I bring some joy into my day. As selfish as it is I said no. I was so wrapped up in my anger at the overall shit storm I've created in my life that I rejected the idea of doing anything but wallowing in my misery. That's exactly what I did. I went home, got something to eat with my last few dollars and wrapped myself in my quilt and slept. I slept from about 6pm until the following afternoon. I moved for nothing and no one. And honestly, it was exactly what I needed to help extinguish the burning inside of me. The following days I again avoided contact with the little ones, knowing I was still not in the mind set to be with them. I was too focused on being unemployed. I wanted to be alone. I sort of still do but my humanity is beginning to return again. I am missing them more and more with the passing hours. I am becoming a "real person" so to speak. And all I want is to be a mom, not an ok one, or one that's around, but a really great mom. The question to be lived now is how do I do that while working out the issues I have with myself ? Am I being a bad mom by not staying with their father? Am I simply being a selfish woman if I admit that I can't always handle being a mom? I can't always comply with the demands of my husband? Why does admitting to that truth make me look (to others) and feel (to myself) like I am "less than" as a woman? If I were a man, would be feel this same guilt? Would society put this same stigma on me? Or would I just be "stereotypical"? I love my kids, no doubt about it. Those little people are the source of my greatest joy. They are by far my greatest accomplishment. There isn't a day where I am not proud and thankful to have been given the blessing of their lives. As wonderful as they are I often recognize the fact that I am not always able to cope. I am not always up to the task of being a mom. I am not always a "good" mom, I feel. Even though I know giving my best to them is being a good mom, I still feel "less than" the expectation.
(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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08.30/08.31: family

I have to confess that for the last three days I have been doing the bare minimum. On the first day of freedom (as I have come to think of it) I spent the greater part of the afternoon (let's say 12-5) at my father's house, shooting the shit, eating and watching t.v. Then I went on an employment walk from 14th street down, to a WoW Cafe Theater meeting (of which I'm now a member) and spent the remainder of the evening with my husband. After getting home around 130a, I decided to sleep in today. Its was such a wonderful, calm day, I did it again today. Upon waking up at 130p, I had lunch & dinner with my father . Then went to an open house for the company I would die to work for; Brooklyn Industries. A straight 3 hours that was completely enjoyable. I met some pretty nice people, saw an old friend, and laughed a lot. Unfortunately for me I realize that I lied in my interview, from pure reflex of saying that's where I worked. I also recognized that I still think of myself as apart of the soho team. I went in today and no one seemed concerned, I also didn't go walking around the store either. So whomever I saw, I saw. Those I didn't, I didn't. Speaking of Soho, I saw Blanca at the BI interviews and almost broke my neck laughing so hard. Not that she couldn't get it, cause she totally could, she was just the last person I would've thought was trying to leave Fuckery21. On the bright side, I think I made a good impression overall. My energy was good, my answers were genuine and I gave off a good positive energy. I maintained eye contact, eveen with the rolly eyed chick, so we'll see how that turns out.
I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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08.29: Optimism

Today was my day off from work. However, I made the decision to go in & help out with whatever clean-up needed to be done (post irene) and such things. 3.5 hours later I was "let go" aka fired. And for about an hour, until just now, I was pissed about it. So full of anger I had considered going back just to curse them out. But my better mind prevailed. Instead I am now off to be productive with my day. I am going to search & apply for every job I can online. I'm even going to go back to AE and see if they're might be a spot for me there. Cause no matter what I need a job asap.
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8.28: forgiveness

Today I was a failure as a human being. And I forgive myself for it. I can accept that I'm having a bad day because my spirit is attached to a funky feeling. I feel it physical and in turn display it. I was lazy, short, easily annoyed, & impatient. I'm appreciative of the day with my kids. I just forgot how to not allow myself to outwardly express my horrible inside feelings.
This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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8.26/27: embrace life (relaxation, appreciation, celebration)

For the last few days it seems the only thing anyone has been able to talk about in this city is Hurricane Irene. Its been compared to the last great storm to hit NY over 100 years ago, and Katrina. While I hope neither ends up being the case, I am confident the city is taking these precautions for the safety of the public.
With that said I woke up today to read a text stating that we (my staff and I) would be accountable for all shifts we were scheduled for over the weekend. I learned that I (all management) would be on-call all weekend long, regardless of hours or requests. That if we were called-in, we would be obligated to fulfill those shifts. My company was serious, some stores went as far to threaten associates with disciplinary action against them if they didn't show up. So for the first time ever, I called out from work. I turned down a day of easy money to remain with my family. And I don't feel bad about it.
Its been so long since I had an entire weekend with my kids. To watch them, talk with them, and just hang out doing lazy family activities. They gave me the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. I made some home cooked meals. It was great. The best part is that after this weekend I am no longer paranoid about the bond between them & I. With this separation lasting longer & longer, I was beginning to feel weighed down by guilt that they didn't love me anymore. I was obsessed with the feeling that they might begin to believe that I don't love them as much, or worse, at all. This weekend blew all of that away. It erased any doubt I had in my mind about being an unfit parent. It validated my choice to leave because even though I had a bad day yesterday, it was so much better than bad days of past. It confirmed my humanity. The fact that under whatever this is on my service, I am still very much human. Prone to error and filled with the ability to learn from my mistakes & grow to change.
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8.25:acceptance

Yesterday I found out exactly how sneaky my team members could be. I read something concerning my job status and at first it enraged me. I felt betrayed, used, hurt, frustrated but most of all angry. Angry at the world and myself to allow myself to slip so far that I was now a target of my higher-ups while they smile in my face & pretend to care about me & my life. I started to do something which would have resulted in me being fired immediately. I started to leave work early, because of my building anger. The fact that I was beyond broke that night and once again unable to feed myself for the 2nd day in a row didn't help much in the ways to remaining clear & level-headed. So I did all I could practically do, went on a long break and smoked. Called my mom & cleared my head, ready to finish the nights work ahead. And I did. From 12:40-3a I worked in a fueled silence that continued to grow the more I looked at that place I have sacrificed my life in for the last 9 months. I thought about the alternatives, the possible outcomes, the reality. And it led me to a dark mind space. The type of space perpetuated by anger. The black hole within my soul I wish didn't exist.
Hungry, exhausted I reach out to my husband. Thankfully he responds and meets me an hour later out front his building baring gifts of cold chicken, bananas, & a smoke. (Yum) It took all of 8 minutes for him to calm me down & bring me back to reality. I emptied my sorrows into his t-shirt and still all he did was push laughter on me. It wasn't until 3 hours later when laying in bed unable to sleep that I was really able to accept it & let it go.
I recognized that I had to accept my part. My responsibility in how I got to this unsteady place. How I lost my focus & balance with the worry over the things I can't control in this life. Over the fact that there will be disappointments, losses, bills, challenges, deadlines & expectations that I can't meet. But that there are also ones I create for myself that I can completely overcome and exceed if & when I accept my responsibility for myself. And more importantly begin to act accordingly. and with that thought I drifted straight into a sound sleep.
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8.24: hope

I'm often told by my father that he is guided by his everlasting spring of hope. It is his faith that things will work out & his hope that they do, that has allowed him to be so lucky for so long. I wish it was a genetic trait that I inherited. Instead I am the eternal dark cloud. Carrying my woes inside until I burst.

I don't remember exactly when it was that I lost my faith. I remember being a young, exuberant, excited woman. I used to love life & its possibilities. I could've had nothing but whatever was inside of me never let me falter. I had hopes, I had dreams but then I had kids. And once they entered my life, my home in the clouds was no longer safe. The instability I once enjoyed transformed into a treadmill of maintenance. A constant chase to provide for those souls I had manifested into being.
When I look into the mirror now all I can see are the hollow wells staring back. A vacant space between flesh. This woman I see has allowed the evils of the material world sink their teeth into her and suck her dry. There's no belief in the seemingly impossible. There are no dreams this being strives for. There is only desperation. She is barely holding on. And its up to me to save her/my life. Its my duty to remind myself that there is still something to believe in. That I do still want more from my life then what society says I have to accept in my position. I now look at this woman and breathe into her soul the spirit of our ancestors. The spirit that says everything is achievable when one believes. Because the "magic" that makes the impossible possible begins with belief. Just as the world laughed at the invention of the car, and now we couldn't imagine life without it. Because that person believed. They held onto hope in their heart as they traveled on their journey through this life. I whisper to her that "this too shall pass" because no storm ever stands still. One day the sun will shine on us again. Until it does, I will hold her tight, never letting her fall. For our fates are entwined, and I have no intention of giving up.
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8.22: Humor

Two guys are in a cart, one of them has white stuff on his face #thisismynight. Or at least the beginning of my journey home. After buying my water from the running gag cart, I head to the train station where I swipe my metrocard. And my baby gave up on me. She wouldn't swipe, I missed the train trying. So I walk over to the main booth where I run into my new buddy the older mta gentleman. I forget his name but I do know it. Anywho the booth lady let's me through but does pleas to me "please the next time you get a metrocard, DO NOT do this to it.."

Its been a movie kind of day. Like I wake up on time to get to where I should be and fall back asleep, fast fwd I get to the dmv around 1p and learn I have to go to anther DMV because apparently they are "too busy" to perform that service today. Get to that DMV and get on line to be given an application to fill out, just to get back on the same line to get a number in order to wait. The pudgy clerk hands me my number and motions me off to the overflowing seating area. I'm # B253, too bad they're only at B92.. Tick tock goes the clock. . Four hours later, I make it back inside right before they lock out some unlucky souls at 4:00pm and finally my number is called.

Having used all the funds available to me to pay for said replacement I.D, I head to my dad's house for lunch. Ever the daddy's girl, my father promptly fixes me a plate of chicken spot chicken. (^_^). The wikked part in this afternoon? He refuses to let me watch the latest episode of True Blood since he has yet to see any of this season.. (-_-) what a hater, he's probably not even a fan... Fast fwd through the rest of my typical day, an afternoon filled with kiddie laughs at the park, and an easy breezy closing shift. Which brings me back to where I started. It's 4am, I'm walking to the train on Astor place. Two guys are in a cart and one of them has white stuff on his face... #humorouslife

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8.21 responsibility

Today is like any typical Monday before a payday. I am broke. I've got a nominal amount in my account, a couple dollars in my pocket & instead of holding it to ration meals, I will be using it to replace my lost I.D card. -_-o
Makes me wanna go crazy but I know I can't let myself get to that point. I have to be calm. Accept the part I play in my own life. Cause this isn't cutting it.
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#NP Today is gonna be the day..

The roots are amazing at creating music that awakens your soul. You hear and know every word being spoken, but you awaken on the inside and begin to create yourself.
I was listening to this song when I was inspired to begin having daily attributes. (A fact I am now regretful of not writing about then.. But here we are now,so yippee!)

I figured that if I am to reach the long term goal of being a person that is liked and respected, I must do that for myself first. I look for what the lesson is every day.. And that becomes the attribute.

Today I worked from 1145a until 101a.. And I still didn't make my hours. So today's attribute is dependability; more specifically trust.. In my life both personal & professional, a lot of people depend on me. When we are dependable , we can be trusted and can trust others.
Trust builds anticipation
Which when met leads to expectations,
Not Me
I can be trusted...

If life was a school, I'd be failing every class. Not just because of my vices but because of various destructive habits I have adopted into my life over time. Like the habit of making excuse for the short-comings & irresponsibility of others. I push myself to do as much as possible everyday and end up not getting enough rest. Now I'm looking for a side gig and wonder how good of an idea that really is.
As it stands now, I barely have enough time to see my kids everyday with my internal clock being so off balance. But is it really a smart idea to continue on the path leading me to become financially undependable? In an ideal world, the answer to both of these questions is no. But I do not live in an ideal world, I live in reality. And the reality is, I need to make more money, even if it means sacrificing family time, rest, &/or my sanity.
We'll see how it goes.
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Freestyle in my head

Hip-hop you my wife
You my life
you the validation for the struggle & strife
I just wanna be with you everyday of my life
She love me so good I won't ever stop
There's never a day where she don't come out on top
I used hit it & split it.. Now they say I should get it
On a happy vibe from my homie's aqquital..
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What makes me believe

For a man who wasn't around much, my dad is kind of awesome.. Weird words coming from my mouth as much as I bash him for not being around "then" . But its true. In the end, he's the one who taught me to be a dreamer. And more importantly that it is okay to be a dreamer. It is okay to believe you can be anything & go after it. No matter what.
I think the coolest thing about him is that I can google his name and there is an entry about him in Wikipedia. No matter how long or short, he's in there. He has actual achievements from his life long passion. He is a "somebody" in the pop-cultural reference of the term. He will forever be remembered or rather always be able to be found within our American history. In the history of music, he is something of a legend & pioneer for his time.
As much as my personal feeling dictate the ways I choose to interact with him, he is my inspiration. He is a hero of mine. I want to be the same to my kids. I hope to one day develop a career in a life I love that they can also be inspired by. Whether its to look back and read my books/writings or go to a gallery and see my photos. Even if by some off chance I could become a stylist (ultimate goal), I hope to leave a legacy they can be inspired by and not a shadow for them to stand in.

Love & light

J Sans Chez
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Family ties

At 8 years old I had my 1st vivid dream, what shamans would call a vision. I saw my grandmother laying helpless on a floor crying out for help. Minutes later, shocked I jolted awake in my grandparents empty 4 post bed. The bed I had shared with my grandmother since my grandfather's bed was cold & vacant. My grandma, bajan raised, was always the early riser. Waking with the sun, humming her biblical songs shuffling around the house doing one chore or another. So I jumped out of bed in search of my busy bee. My footsteps echoed along the halls as I searched. On and on I went from room to room. The history of my family eying me from the walls the whole way. Until I reached the basement door ajar. And that's when I heard her. Faintly at first, her usually strong willed voice sounded light, like a baby's coo. Creeping down the basement stairs I found her at the bottom, having slipped trying to avoid kicking Hollywood (our cat), her feet got tangled and there she remained unable to get herself up. It was the first time I had seen her so vulnerable. So weak. It was a sight to my child eyes, seeing your hero fallen, helpless. It felt worse being unable to help her myself, no matter how much I tried, my immature body did not possess enough strength to life my fallen soldier. So I ran and woke my older brother in a panic.
Since then there have been several other occasions where I will have vivid dreams come to pass. I dreamed her death, as well as those of my niece and an older of mine. As I got older I forget the dreams. I am only left with the resonant feeling and an overbearing thought concentrated on the person the dream was about, followed by a thorough cleansing of my soul. Aka I cry uncontrollably for anywhere from an hour to three until I regain control of myself and drift into a blank sleep. It never happens with random people, only family members.
This morning was no different but it scared me the most. For this morning I dreamed about my mother. And I couldn't shake the feeling that her passing is soon to come. I dreamed of her pain, so much pain she is feeling. And I woke up amid tears & mumblings I cannot remember. My mind's eye focused on her and I could only feel a void where I'd usually feel her presence. I'm sure this sounds even weirder than believing I can foresee the death/pains of those I love. But my mom an I have aways had a freaky twin-like connection. There are many days where I am down and she'll call at the exact moment I need her support.&positive influence. She keeps me from going over the edge. I called her, twice and got no answer until I called her boyfriend. And he let me know that my mom is indeed in a lot of pain from a recent fall at work. So much so that she hasn't gotten out of bed for the past two days & she hasn't been sleeping well. While it doesn't help that I was right, I'm calmed to know she's not alone. She's got someone who loved her watching over her. And though I'll never express my full appreciation to him (cause I really don't like him), I am happy he is there. It eases my mind. I'm still worried though.
For the first time I am seriously considering her mortality. A thought I realized I've never had before. I never considered her death, what it would mean or how it would affect me. What will I do if/when she dies? Because one day she will die. As morbid as it is to think about, it must be considered, because the day will come & then what will I do?
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HOTD

Thirsty thirsty
Leave me alone
It is too hot for this shit
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HOTD: anger

This one is a 2-fer. You're welcome!

I sound angry
Because
I am angry
Get over it
Or fuck off

If one more person put their hand out
In my face
I just might bite them

J sans chez
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HOTD: sex

I need to get laid
That's not an opinion
Its a fucking fact

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Haiku of the day 2

No shoes
No shirt
Says he's crazy ninja man
Scenes in the train station
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H1

Today I found
two yellow roses on my walk to the train home
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They're, their, there..

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
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I am a dreamer

I often sit in the windows of stores I can't afford to shop in and wonder what it'd be like to be rich
To be able to walk through the street without my stomach rumbling from the smell of foods I can't pay for
To be able to pay the cable bill, gas bill, electric bill, rent, telephone, car note out the same check and still be able to shop..
To be able to take my children to a movie or museum or some other overpriced educational fun place and not make up an adventure in the park or city streets
To take the train by choice not necessity
To take a lover home and not hope my electricity has been turned off
To get my degree without the burden of working half my life paying it back.
To be treated with respect even when dressed like a bum, cause they know my wrinkled shirt was designed that way and costs me $700..
To have people look my in the eye rather than head to toe before addressing me
But then
I think of the loneliness,
The paranoia,
and obligation often attached to that life style. And take stock of the genuine friends I have.
The faithful supportive family.
The countles
s generosities I've encountered.
The beauty of life I intake walking through the park.
The creative adventurous inquisitive spirit I will have instilled in my children.
The smiles & laughter I share on a daily basis.
the warmth of my heart.
And decided my wealth knows no bounds. Because I'm a dreamer.
And as long as I have my dreams I'll never be broke nor broken.
-j sans chez
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Sorry

Lover
I am sorry for your assumption of who you wanted me to be
Sorry that our love was nothing more than a self full filling prophecy
Self destructive
A time bomb ticking away
And our actions the detonator
I'm sorry we exploded
Or rather that I imploded with no fore warning
I'm sorry for leaving and
I not look back cause when I do
I'm just reminded of the pain that was caused
I'm sorry that I couldn't keep it together
That my fury was too heavy and too full for my breast to hold
Sorry for being too hot to handle
And Too cool to care
I'm sorry for
Apologizing for so long, I became sorry
Became another stereotypical female caught up in the illusion of love
And let myself fall to pieces and expected you to figure shit out
Sorry I fell in love with a fantasy and ignored the reality that
What we had was deep lust & longings
I'm sorry
That I was not ready to be tied down
No matter how much I liked to be tied up..
I am sorry that
All I can offer in return are these words
Of promise, these words of sorrow, that these words are all I have
The words are all I can give
These words to that heal my soul
And hopefully,
Eventually your heart.

-J Sans Chez
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Letter to a little king

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
how fast you've grown
How fast you go
How fast you came
I wasn't ready for you then,
I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
And I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
forever
This first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Iike your mother
A dreamer
Look to the clouds
Let's look for animals
And make up stories..
Cause you were meant to create
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Take heed to the signs
Listen to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember you don't know everything
It takes time to learn
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.
-j sans chez
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Fuck it type of day

It began sweetly, with a song of joy in their eyes.. Laughter intoxicating the thick summer air. We were a family for just a moment.. And then as all days, the kids slip into mini-coma naps and it all falls apart.
He talks of respect? Really? I disrespect him with what I do when we are separated? Separated? Interesting. So the fact that we are separated does not stop him from picking up my unlcoked phone to snoop around for some shit he already knew about because he sent it to himself a week ago. Meanwhile I don't snoop through his shit. I have no desire to know. I have no desire to go looking for a reason to be mad bnecause I'm sure I'd find one. Even if I wanted to I couldn't cause he's so "cautious with the kids" that he keeps everything locked anyway. But suzy slow is supposed to be my name I guess. All this over a picture. A picture sent to someone I haven't slept with, never see because they live in maryland now, and I have no intention of sleeping with. He takes offense because the receiver is a man and I am topless.. I see where he's coming from but really? I fuckin sunbathe topless, wtf? I still have yet to receive an apology for him trading naked pics with a woman he kissed & constantly chatted with while I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child and living together. But that's how shit changes when you're married. What was ok for one at one time is now not ok for the other. And its fine because I've resolved to just be at peace with it all. I will not indulge conversation about shit that irks him just because he wants to fight. We're not together.
Another thing about respect, since sent himself this pic a week ago, why wait until now when I'm about to walk out the door for work? Poor timing? You couldn't pick up a phone, send a text/email about that shit? Of course not, that would have been preferable for me. And I already know his stance on that.
Yay! Over it!
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I am so fucking over it, done and through with it.. Idk who people think I am but trust I've go no need for this shit.. These people dictating the when where & how I will live because "kids shouldn't be raised that way" but who the fuck are they to say how our lives should be? And when the fuck did you advance enough to have rights over me & my body
And my soul?
Since when did money make you sovereign over this queendom?
No one walking this earth is perfect
And I'm sure if we open up your closet, we'll find a little boy or two
So what the fuck is it to you who I'm coming home to?
Or how many mommys my child has?
I look around this place I was raised in and get sad at the inequality
Like its ok for me to marry for money and not love as long as its an xx/xy connection
But the minute a man give another man an erection
We start using discretion
Start ad campaigns about using protection but teach abstinence only in schools
We'd rather raise the next generation to be fools
Then to educate them towards better choices
We need to teach the youth the power of their voices
Tell them its ok to push, to rebel, to change the world
to let their opinions be known
to push against the social norms..
Know that what they think is a minority is really the majority
And numbers make a difference
We can be more devastating than an avalanche
An make people listen
But fisrt you must stand up
So the world knows you do give a fuck.
-J Sans Chez
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365 days and today was slightly better than the day before.. I woke up the same, zombie like, on the edge of sleep with my eyes half open, breezing through the 30 min ride back to peace, to bed, my place of solice, escape from people, things, work, kids, bills, the every moment where a bullet to the head sounds better than a roll in the hay, its slow torture.. There are days that are epic, (today was not one of them), but for every good there still too many bad.. Its like I'm walking through the dark with a candle trying not to blow it out before I get burned.
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Know that really gmg?

When someone tells you something one day then argues against that exact belief later on down the road once they've become a bit more enlightened. Case in point singledad.blogspot.com in chronicle 3 claims that he would never turn his back on his son (or daughter) should he grow up and determine he is gay. Eventhough he has said to me in the past that he too (along with his family) would disown his son, should he be gay when he's older.
Furthermore telling me now that I am simple transferring my issues of sexuality onto our children and that I am not allowed to write opinions about our children's future is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit.

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Back to the drawing board...

My current state of dire financial straights has led me to believe that all that superstition is coincidental bullshit. I.e. Getting shit on by a pigeon, unknowingly stepping in dog poop, finding pennies on the ground... BULLSHIT! All of it. Just created and designed for us to not allow ourselves to sink to a level of desperation, where we make such stupid mistakes that ruins our entire life. For example, while talking to my father today, I made an inquiry about filing for bankruptcy. Gladly he didn't start off by saying how poor the choice would be if I made it. He just informed me of what happens and was then nice enough to tell me how stupid of a thing it would be for me to do. And so I process all of this objective information with his limited opinions interjected, and decide that it'd probably be worse than suicide.
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Late bird

I could complain about my schedule making no sense. Like the fact that I closed last night but was scheduled to be in at 10a. Ridiculous! Especially when considering that a closing shift doesn't really have an end time. So someone closing could leave anywhere between 12a and 6a. This is bullshit! We gotta start establishing time frames. I close and don't get off until 4am most times because unlike some ppl, I have standards. I ask my people for a lot. I see the details and get frustrated when their undone. My close last night was far from perfect. I may even get a write up for that as well. I recognize that if I let the other managers I close with do the final walk thru because I'm too busy closing down a section, I get screwed everytime. Cause I'll come walk it and end up re-working the racks' tying the ties, etc. Just doing all the little things that they didn't do. Its really just a huge catch 22.
Even with all that being true, it is also true that my chronic lateness is a serious problem. I have to find a way to get up on my own. Really I just need to find a way to not care so damn much about what I do to dedicate so much time to it. Even on days when I'm not working I'm up till all hours of the night because I can't fall asleep. I can't get my mind to stop wandering, or I am unable to stop the endless stream of inspiration. Some nights I sit up writing until 3 or 4am. Not really knowing what I'm writing or why. I just let it flow until my fingers are sometimes too cramped to move anymore. Times like that I miss a pen & paper. I could go longer writing the endless thoughts.
But I digress. My lateness is a serious problem. So is my attitude about it. Because shit happens but how is it that it happens so often to me? Shit can't possbly happen everyday to just me. So why do I feel it is okay to disrupt business and inconvenience others with my lateness? I'm truly thankful that I haven't been fired yet, but I know if I continue it'll happen sooner than later. And then what will I do?
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I think I'm ready to live the life

Its been a long time coming. But like yesterday I just have to do it. Disconnect completely and get into my new comfort zone. Someone once told me that when things become comfortable that's when its time to move on, push harder, and go deeper. Life shouldn't be comfortable because the soul is boundless. It years to be free of the body's confines. This is where the mind comes into play. Our minds ability to create and conceive alternate realities is what makes life worth living.
This has been the best birthday yet. It was a day that I think I shall repeat for years to come. A ritual, renewal of sorts. Anyway, I remember not being able to breath as I saw the began to see the ground. My body though appearing heavy , felt light. There was a moment where I had a delusion of flying. I thought "this must me what its like to be a bird. Never once truly nervous of dying (that fear, also squashed) it was more a major discomfort in the act of falling. In knowing that I truly had no control to save my own life. I was not the one in control of the parachute, I had no anything to grab onto. I was simply falling, and all I could think for the first ten seconds is that I couldn't breathe. Until the instructor told me to scream.
And I found freedom to fall...
TBC
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24 hours & counting...

I have effectively been abandoned by my band of merry men (so to speak). But for one reason or another I will be alone for the scariest (and possibly stupidest) thing I've ever decided to do for my birthday. Honestly it's a little disheartening to have to be alone. But maybe that's how it should be. Maybe I was meant to go alone as a test of my will. having to face this fear of mine by myself may be the best thing. Having been alone for a while now, I am learning that there is a great deal of honesty one has with themselves when they are alone. We'll admit so much more when we're alone then if we are around someone else. The real problem is cab fare.. I have enough but don't.. Like I could afford the cab but then I probably won't eat for a couple days till getting paid. I'm not confident enough to walk from the train station, plus its hella hot out. Idk if walking would be the best idea. I could always reschedule the jump yet again. But considering how many times I've done it already and the gorgeous weather expected, I don't think I should take that chance. Besides, I can eat anytime. This wouldn't be the first time in my life that I skipped a couple meals.
I just feel something in my soul telling me that no matter what this jump must happen. I had an inclination that if I didn't jump out a plan, I might jump off a building. Like conquering this fear is connected to unlocking so much inside me that I hold on to. When really I just need to let it go. Going though the experience of having no control physically will some how push me to let go mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Under attack

I don't know who it is or if what I'm feeling is even real but for some time I feel a force interfering with my spirit. As if when I closed my eyes each night, someone or thing would attempt to capture my soul. If I didn't think about breathing, I didn't breathe. I could see the room around me, myself included laying limp on the mattress. My head nestled into the neck or back of one of the sleeping children beside me. And then I'll force myself to breathe and I snap awake in a sudden rush. Nights like that always left me shaken, laying in the dark for hours. Constantly on watch for some unknown assailant until I can calm my mind back to quiet and sleep. Even then its never a peaceful sleep. There are bad dreams that leave me in a foul mood without a recollection of how I got to such a dark place. When I was a young girl, I was afraid to go to sleep. I felt tormented.
to be continued...
JSC
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#524

Today is the start of a day where I would rather just bundle myself up in the sheets and face no one. Go no where. Be nobody. Today is my grandmother's birthday. Mrs. Violet Fitzpatrick Wiltshire. I never learned her middle name. Never really knew if she had one. Although that isn't a fact that matters much now.
When I was younger I would buy her an African Violet plant for her kitchen window. As it grew she would transfer the plant to her garden in the back yard, where it would eventually die. After her death I would go to her gave and plant one every year. They never flourished. They were always dead by the time I'd return a year later. Once it became an unreasonable distance to travel, I stopped. I figured no one would notice. But I notice. I acknowledge the lack on her grave. I still feel a guilt inside when I deem the errand unimportant enough to make time for it. Possibly because of all her family left alive and living in NY, I am probably the only visitor she ever gets. This year is no exception. I feel immensely sad and wished I had woken up early enough to go way out to Gravesend cemetery and put some fresh flowers on her grave, at the very least. But I didn't, and by the time I get off work tonight, my visit would be considered trespassing.
I miss her so much. Its been a while since I've felt her spirit in this realm. I use to be able to feel her with me when I was out on the road. But now, I feel nothing but empty space. Her warmth, compassion, peaceful, naturing demeanor is gone.
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Today's status

Walking back from the train I (thought I) had stepped in a big pile of shit. I laughed at the dual truth .. #storyofmylife The moral? Watch where your going..

JSC
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Dreams vs. Reality

For the past two weeks I have had almost the same dream 6 times. It always begins the same; its my birthday and I'm sky diving for the 1st time. My husband, jose, is the only one who comes for moral support despite us being separated. So I nervously step into the plane, and a few minutes later jump to what I am sure is certain death. But it's not death, its freedom from everything holding me back. My mind becomes as clear as the beautiful spring day. I land two footed and renewed to see the only face there to greet me. He asks me how I feel and I reply "I want a divorce". Now its at this point in the dream where the scenario changes every time. Sometimes he kills me, sometimes he whips out money and throws it at me. In one variation, he has the actual papers in his pocket for me to sign. Every time it ends differently but always begins the same.
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
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People around me keep asking how I'll be celebrating Mother's day this year. My response is usually "work". And when I think about it, do I really even deserve to be celebrated? Sure, I gave birth to two beautiful, intelligent, curious, energetic, amazingly talented children. But this year I can't say honestly to myself or anyone else that I've been a mom worthy or praise. I'm so not the believer of the idea that people deserve things just because. And while its wonderful that anyone would praise my efforts in motherhood. If this were a class, I'm sure I'd be failing.
For starters I spend 60% of my time either at work or asleep. Even when I lived with my kids our time was limited to random afternoons and my days off. That's only if I got the sleep I needed. Last month I decided to leave their father and the residence we shared, leaving all the burden on him to carry. I left him but hurt them in the process. I left them to "fix me". How selfish is that? Granted I remind myself that I am becoming a better person for them. But its not as if I've entered rehab or some mental facility, I just left. No explanation that I could (or do) give could be enough to heal their hearts. Regardless of whether I toss in bed every night thinking of them and longing to hold them in my arms, it doesn't matter because I'm not there. Not everyday like I should be. Like a good mom would be. Its the eternal struggle of womanhood it seems. To endure an existence of nonexistence for the sake of your children's joy or to rip it all to shreds in search of your own and eventually theirs. Does the end justify the means?
I left knowing the hurt I'd cause and did it anyway because I can't be good to them if I'm not good to begin with. A person so full of hurt can (and will) only hurt those around them if they remain so. And time is proving that I made the "right" decision for me right now but what about us? What about them? Will they eventually forgive me for abandoning them? Will they overlook the months they couldn't cry on my shoulders? Will they forgive me for not being there when they wake up sick in the middle of the night and I'm not there to comfort them? There's so many questions that run through my mind. And I pretend to not feel the repercussions of my actions, until I am alone laying in the dark holding my pillow wishing it was my little girl. Wishing I could be holding my son's hand as he lays figiting besides me fighting the onslaught of sleep. There are nights I get off early enough to be there at bed time and so I go there and damn near get lost in their essence every time. What it doesn't take to pull me away from the peace they provide.
One day, I hope it will be better. I will be better for them. And maybe we'll end up one big happy. Until that day, I won't celebrate that which I do not deserve.
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I'm starting to lose my passion for my job. I realized this today while sitting through a meeting where little input was sought and all feedback I provided was seen as an attack. It concluded with me wondering why I was promoted in the first place. Or better yet why I accepted it. What I often hear is how much I'm not doing as a manager. At least not as an individual but as apart of a team with weak links. I don't need nor seek recognition for every little thing but a person does get tired of hearing only the negative, especially if they're not apart of the problem. It only makes me think that my efforts are for naught. What's the point of doing a good job or pushing myself to develop if I'm only to be lumped into the group which is seen as failures. Further more how am I expected to grow with little tutelage or training. I'm a smart person but even I know everything can't be learned in books. At some point someone needs to coach me the way I am supposed to coach associates. Its fine though. I'm starting to learn that if I fuck up, I can expect a warning and if I do good then expect nothing. it just makes me think, is this the place for me? Before I thought it was but everyday I'm less and less sure. I really hate that I'm starting to see this job in terms of a paycheck and not an opportunity to grow further like I did before. Its not a comforting thought. I didn't think I'd get to this place of acceptance so quickly. I really expected to be excited everyday to be coming to a place I loved working. Maybe I just don't fit into management. And that would be okay, but then the next step would be to decide exactly how I need to proceed to remain satisfied and not stagnant.
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The saddest part is always leaving. Its not until I must say goodbye that the sadness hit me. I walk solemnly to my next destination always regretting the decision to leave.

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Editor's note

* in my last post I referred to my company as straight. This was NOT an assumption of her sexuality (I don't know which way the wind blows) I was just referring to her demeanor as a "good girl", I.e. Straight & narrow..
I hope no one took offense
Thanks
JSC
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#451 (I get it, duh...)

Its hard to believe that to get as drunk as I was last night and I woke up today remembering almost everything. I remember being a very wavy walker but sobering up once I received a call from my store's security company. Then immediately returning to drunk when I got on the train. I remember inviting someone to a party I thought would be epic (and was in a grown up way) and seeing the boredom ooze from their face from the moment we met up. I remember asking a friend to meet up and that not happening because I had no reception.
I remember these things and write them down because there were lessons there. One is don't invite people you don't really know to things with people you do really know. Their idea of a good time could be wholly different from yours. Especially if that person is younger and completely straight. And out of courtesy & respect they'll never tell you or fully express how bored they are. But a good sign is maintained silence, constantly checking/sending text messages (or just playing with one's phone), also an awkward tension in the air. This makes the person no less good or fun but as a first time chilling, the venue should always be considered.
I also learned that my paranoia/fear of far fetched scenarios is seriously out of control. I learned from the last two weeks or so that I have spent so much time separated from the world that I developed what could be considered a phobia of it and the people in it. When I interact with strangers now, its more introverted, less social, more awkward, almost forced. That is until I've had a drink or two. I do, however, still dance by myself anywhere to any beat, but I'm drunk it can get sloppy. Someone told me its attention seeking to dance the way I do, I see it as therapy. My alternative to days when I don't make it to yoga or the gym, I make my way to a dance floor and get lost in a rhythm. I let the beats overtake my subconscious and guide all the stress out of my body. It feels good. It makes me feel good. So perhaps my performance art should include some dancing.
The third and final thing I learned about myself is that once I do get past my own self-doubt, I'm a really cool person that people do like. In one night I have learned that I allow my fear to control me and I need to stop. More often then not, I'm the one creating that awkward tension that I feel in the air. Once I clear my mind of all that crap, I'm golden.
Which leads me to the moral of the night: no one cares how you live your life, people only get annoyed with you when you keep changing your mind. When you can't be categorized, they don't know what box to put you in. And that's okay cause there is a world full of people who live outside the box that will party right alongside you.
Thanks Saturn for these lessons. I'll try harder to apply them to my life everyday.
-JSC
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Just enough time

One year. A lot of things can/do change within a year's time. I remember being pregnant and in a year being a size 4 again. I remember fighting until 3am and a year later sitting in silence. So in thinking about how long I need to take to figure this stuff out, I'd say a year if I had to put a time frame on it.
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In search of..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
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Parts of me..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
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3am

This is why I shouldn't sleep all day, because now I can't sleep. And the next 3 days I close.
Now is the real test to see if I'll wake up for my 10:30 call time at the gym. Time to see if I can't stick with this when someone isn't here to wake me constantly.
Stay tuned.. More saturn adventures to come...
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#416

Last night for the first time in 3 days I laid with my family. Not slept, just laid. I watched my baby's chest lift and rescind ever so slightly with her light breaths. I watched my son's normally devious face illuminated in the moonlight. I took completely hold of that singular moment of peace and stored their angelic faces in my memory for the many lonely nights ahead until I can lay with them again. Eventually satisfied with my sleep stalking I closed my eyes to rest but not to sleep or dream. It was at most a momentary unconsciousness in which I was still fully alert and aware of the two bodies beside me. Wishing every morning I could awaken to their smiles. This morning they were so elated to wake and find me there for the first time in days. I'm told its the first night they haven't awoken mid-way thru sleep to look or ask for me.
It breaks my heart to know I am now disturbing their peace. Breaking their hearts day by day with my elected absence. It makes me wanna suffer through just for another minute with them. Just for another day I can look forward to sleeping with them again. Another sleepless night to ease their fears. But I know it wouldn't make me better for them if I gave into the temptation. I know I only yearn for them now because I took the step back to admire the full picture. No longer being apart of it, builds my appreciation for it. And let's me see my prior missteps. Reminds me how far I still have to go to be worthy of them.
So instead of letting it drag me back into that dark place, I use it as fuel to re-ignite my fire and light the way out of this cave to wellness. Push me forward faster down this path of recovery. Regain control of the life I've let slip through my fingers until now.
But this "wellness plan" of mine as I like to call it, is a necessary part of me making it through my Saturn in one piece instead of in pieces. A necessary part of me being the good natured, happy, non-judgemental, liberated, free-spirit I am. And thus a good parent. Cause "a person so full of hurt can't love nobody" (-for colored girls), not even themselves and thus no one else.
Cheer's to love. For self and others! Genuine pure and true love for all... As soulof1 would say I'm "lovinmesumme"
Love & Light
J Sans Chez
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#332 (yoga)

At this stage in my Saturn I am embracing the many necessary changes that are needed. One aspect of my life (self) that I have been pretty bummed about for a while has been my physical appearance. Sounds superficial and vain , I know. But I was once an athlete, 5% body fat type athlete. I could play a full game of any sport, without losing my breath. Now when I walk, everything giggles, nothing is where it used to be. Over time I realize it took a bit of a toll on my self image. Slowly over time I went from having sex covered up, to only at night with the lights off, to not at all. Only because the image I saw, I didn't find sexy or appealing, or like something anyone would/could be attracted to. Again, silly thoughts I know but... All women have them. And as a part of the list of things I am aiming to change about my life to better align my spiritual & actual life, my body & self image is getting some good old TLC. Gym time 2-3 times a week, yoga as often as possible, healthier food choices, consistent meals, and eventually no more smoking cigarettes (but don't hold ya breath). All designed not to attract another but to re-attract myself. Get reacquainted with the woman I have grown into and discover exactly what her sexy is.
So.. This week was my first week at the gym. A full half hour of upper body building machines, 20 mins of ab/core work, and a 10 min cool down on the stationary bike. (Look out summer! Lol!)
I am so proud of today. I actually made it to yoga for the 2nd time in a week's time. And although I know I'll feel it tomorrow, right now my body and spirit are thanking me for making the time to honor them. They're thanking me for shutting up this ever chatty mind of mine with its worries and doubt, just to breathe. In reciprocity I thank them for not giving up on me. For growing despite my lack of a consistent diet and excersize until recently. I'm also super proud of my body's response to the recent increase in physical activity. Granted retail as a profession also equates to physical exhaustion daily, but standing on ones feet for long hours is extremely different from pushing its limits for a 30-60 minute period two to three times a week.
And I like it. I find I'm liking the hurt the following day. I'm starting to love the burn of my muscles as I dig in just a bit deeper into my breath, hold on one second longer in that pose. It feels good. I float away from class, forgetting I'm even a smoker, usually not lighting a cigarette for another 2-3 hours when the euphoric sensation starts to ware down. Overall on my attitude its a wonderful for stress reduction. As if I'm too busy to think about whatever it was that frustrated me because my body's burn occupies all the space in my mind. And when that frustration wiggles its way back in, the answer is clear and there is no more cause for the usual emotion or confusion. Its truly a glorious feeling.
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#420 (the day the earth stood still)

I sit here and sigh a sigh of relief, the weight lifted oFf my shoulders, I sigh a sigh of suffering for the painful reality of what I've done, I shigh a sigh of the pain I was the cause a sigh of longing for a lover lost I sigh a sigh of loving deeper and stronger than titanium, sigh a sigh of defeat cause even superman has a kryptonite, I sigh a sigh of sorrow full of regret, hoping for forgiveness

To be continued..
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#009 (breakthrough)

Before I knew that there was an invisible force intervening in my life's progression, I was able to sense that my struggles mentally, emotionally, & spiritually had their roots buried beyond my will. Everything has a reason. If we are to believe in the existence of a higher power beyond ourselves (and our comprehension) then we must have the ability to accept some things are indeed beyond our control. We don't necessarily make conscious decisions about various aspects of ourselves. It is our role to be able to recognize and consciously accept these things about ourselves. Once we've accepted the inevitable truths, we are freed to embrace and lead a full life. One of the may lessons I am learning from my Saturn's return to Scorpio. I've also been given the grace to remember that the main obstacle to an individual reaching their goals in life is themselves. The fear & mediocrity we'll accept for ourselves simply because the grandeur of our ideas may seem intimidating. Then there is always the question of what's next? Where do we continue on to once we have achieved said goal. 9 out of 10 people never plan past that initial achievement. When the achievement should be a step and not the goal simply because they've worked so hard to get there. But once you're there where do you go next? Maybe that's the object of my time in Saturn. To understand, accept, embrace & plan what's next. To see beyond what is to what may/could be and figure out how to get there.
Bringing me to my point. I've found that by being oblivious to Saturn's influence in my life over the past year, I have sat back and allowed things, events, people to effect my life with no reaction but to fall deeper and deeper into an seemingly endless abyss. Until today, where I've had the opportunity to catch up with old friends that know me better than I can remember myself. They knew and adored that free spirit I was once upon a time. The woman who embraced life with a love and passion unmatched even by the vastness of the seas. The woman who, when the universe threw a wrench into her life, could immediately rework the plan and adjust and would laugh at any obstacles so full that it sometimes caused the furniture to shake. The woman that didn't have a clear plan, but had a clear vision of the path she was on. The woman who was in touch with her Spirit and in tune with the energies of the universe which connect all human beings. The woman who wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. The woman I realized I had allowed to diminish to a memory; a bystander in her own life.
The woman who now haunts me from the shadows of everyday life. The woman I want to remember to be again. she never got depressed. The dark light invading her body now, an impostor. Posing, going through the motions of life but not living. Weakening her beloved mind & body with lies of fear. Binding her spirit, restricting its growth.
Today I finally made the first step in embracing my Saturn. I decided to take control. I decided it has to stop. Despite my greatest efforts in the past this dark light continuously outshines all that I strive to be. It must die, by any means necessary. I will break free of the ties that bind. I will overcome my circumstances. I will be free again.
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