Today was my 3rd anniversary. A day most couples celebrate with equal or greater excitement then the actual day they were married. Most couples.
But I spent today alone. Working and continuing to mentally prepare for the journey ahead. Out of sentementality, I called him up for a late dinner. A last ditch effort for peace between us. Now I'm wondering why I did it in the first place. Why I would expect my tears to fall on anything but deaf ears and dirty floors.
I listened to him speak tonight about his job. Let him drone on and on, drowning out the voices around us. For a few moments it was like normal. It was a glipse of the past, yet lacking none of the present tension. At first I did well to hold it in. I wouldn't let myself close my eyes and get lost in the silky tone of his voice. I didn't let my mind wander off on fantastical flights of fancy. Hoping for a change of heart in this heartless being. I even asked him to pay for his meal. Resisting the temptation to spend what little I had on us, as if we are still a real couple. Then he walked me to the train, and as hard as I could, I asked questions I needed to know. Bad mistake. I only led myself down the path of being tormented by words so old that it was made absolutely clear exactly where he is. He is in the past. As if wrapped up in delayed anger, he sends razor blades to still my heart. Still justifying his obvious need for total control with things I said two & three years ago.
I fall supseptable to my own curiosity once more. And while I have no idea what I want, I now know for sure that I no longer want someone who doesn't want me. I am sure that I'd rather contibue through this hell alone then hope for redemption from ny bleeding heart. I'd rather be his villan then his victim.
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
