Fuck it type of day

It began sweetly, with a song of joy in their eyes.. Laughter intoxicating the thick summer air. We were a family for just a moment.. And then as all days, the kids slip into mini-coma naps and it all falls apart.
He talks of respect? Really? I disrespect him with what I do when we are separated? Separated? Interesting. So the fact that we are separated does not stop him from picking up my unlcoked phone to snoop around for some shit he already knew about because he sent it to himself a week ago. Meanwhile I don't snoop through his shit. I have no desire to know. I have no desire to go looking for a reason to be mad bnecause I'm sure I'd find one. Even if I wanted to I couldn't cause he's so "cautious with the kids" that he keeps everything locked anyway. But suzy slow is supposed to be my name I guess. All this over a picture. A picture sent to someone I haven't slept with, never see because they live in maryland now, and I have no intention of sleeping with. He takes offense because the receiver is a man and I am topless.. I see where he's coming from but really? I fuckin sunbathe topless, wtf? I still have yet to receive an apology for him trading naked pics with a woman he kissed & constantly chatted with while I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child and living together. But that's how shit changes when you're married. What was ok for one at one time is now not ok for the other. And its fine because I've resolved to just be at peace with it all. I will not indulge conversation about shit that irks him just because he wants to fight. We're not together.
Another thing about respect, since sent himself this pic a week ago, why wait until now when I'm about to walk out the door for work? Poor timing? You couldn't pick up a phone, send a text/email about that shit? Of course not, that would have been preferable for me. And I already know his stance on that.
Yay! Over it!
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I am so fucking over it, done and through with it.. Idk who people think I am but trust I've go no need for this shit.. These people dictating the when where & how I will live because "kids shouldn't be raised that way" but who the fuck are they to say how our lives should be? And when the fuck did you advance enough to have rights over me & my body
And my soul?
Since when did money make you sovereign over this queendom?
No one walking this earth is perfect
And I'm sure if we open up your closet, we'll find a little boy or two
So what the fuck is it to you who I'm coming home to?
Or how many mommys my child has?
I look around this place I was raised in and get sad at the inequality
Like its ok for me to marry for money and not love as long as its an xx/xy connection
But the minute a man give another man an erection
We start using discretion
Start ad campaigns about using protection but teach abstinence only in schools
We'd rather raise the next generation to be fools
Then to educate them towards better choices
We need to teach the youth the power of their voices
Tell them its ok to push, to rebel, to change the world
to let their opinions be known
to push against the social norms..
Know that what they think is a minority is really the majority
And numbers make a difference
We can be more devastating than an avalanche
An make people listen
But fisrt you must stand up
So the world knows you do give a fuck.
-J Sans Chez
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365 days and today was slightly better than the day before.. I woke up the same, zombie like, on the edge of sleep with my eyes half open, breezing through the 30 min ride back to peace, to bed, my place of solice, escape from people, things, work, kids, bills, the every moment where a bullet to the head sounds better than a roll in the hay, its slow torture.. There are days that are epic, (today was not one of them), but for every good there still too many bad.. Its like I'm walking through the dark with a candle trying not to blow it out before I get burned.
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Know that really gmg?

When someone tells you something one day then argues against that exact belief later on down the road once they've become a bit more enlightened. Case in point singledad.blogspot.com in chronicle 3 claims that he would never turn his back on his son (or daughter) should he grow up and determine he is gay. Eventhough he has said to me in the past that he too (along with his family) would disown his son, should he be gay when he's older.
Furthermore telling me now that I am simple transferring my issues of sexuality onto our children and that I am not allowed to write opinions about our children's future is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit.

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Back to the drawing board...

My current state of dire financial straights has led me to believe that all that superstition is coincidental bullshit. I.e. Getting shit on by a pigeon, unknowingly stepping in dog poop, finding pennies on the ground... BULLSHIT! All of it. Just created and designed for us to not allow ourselves to sink to a level of desperation, where we make such stupid mistakes that ruins our entire life. For example, while talking to my father today, I made an inquiry about filing for bankruptcy. Gladly he didn't start off by saying how poor the choice would be if I made it. He just informed me of what happens and was then nice enough to tell me how stupid of a thing it would be for me to do. And so I process all of this objective information with his limited opinions interjected, and decide that it'd probably be worse than suicide.
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Late bird

I could complain about my schedule making no sense. Like the fact that I closed last night but was scheduled to be in at 10a. Ridiculous! Especially when considering that a closing shift doesn't really have an end time. So someone closing could leave anywhere between 12a and 6a. This is bullshit! We gotta start establishing time frames. I close and don't get off until 4am most times because unlike some ppl, I have standards. I ask my people for a lot. I see the details and get frustrated when their undone. My close last night was far from perfect. I may even get a write up for that as well. I recognize that if I let the other managers I close with do the final walk thru because I'm too busy closing down a section, I get screwed everytime. Cause I'll come walk it and end up re-working the racks' tying the ties, etc. Just doing all the little things that they didn't do. Its really just a huge catch 22.
Even with all that being true, it is also true that my chronic lateness is a serious problem. I have to find a way to get up on my own. Really I just need to find a way to not care so damn much about what I do to dedicate so much time to it. Even on days when I'm not working I'm up till all hours of the night because I can't fall asleep. I can't get my mind to stop wandering, or I am unable to stop the endless stream of inspiration. Some nights I sit up writing until 3 or 4am. Not really knowing what I'm writing or why. I just let it flow until my fingers are sometimes too cramped to move anymore. Times like that I miss a pen & paper. I could go longer writing the endless thoughts.
But I digress. My lateness is a serious problem. So is my attitude about it. Because shit happens but how is it that it happens so often to me? Shit can't possbly happen everyday to just me. So why do I feel it is okay to disrupt business and inconvenience others with my lateness? I'm truly thankful that I haven't been fired yet, but I know if I continue it'll happen sooner than later. And then what will I do?
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I think I'm ready to live the life

Its been a long time coming. But like yesterday I just have to do it. Disconnect completely and get into my new comfort zone. Someone once told me that when things become comfortable that's when its time to move on, push harder, and go deeper. Life shouldn't be comfortable because the soul is boundless. It years to be free of the body's confines. This is where the mind comes into play. Our minds ability to create and conceive alternate realities is what makes life worth living.
This has been the best birthday yet. It was a day that I think I shall repeat for years to come. A ritual, renewal of sorts. Anyway, I remember not being able to breath as I saw the began to see the ground. My body though appearing heavy , felt light. There was a moment where I had a delusion of flying. I thought "this must me what its like to be a bird. Never once truly nervous of dying (that fear, also squashed) it was more a major discomfort in the act of falling. In knowing that I truly had no control to save my own life. I was not the one in control of the parachute, I had no anything to grab onto. I was simply falling, and all I could think for the first ten seconds is that I couldn't breathe. Until the instructor told me to scream.
And I found freedom to fall...
TBC
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