Yesterday I found out exactly how sneaky my team members could be. I read something concerning my job status and at first it enraged me. I felt betrayed, used, hurt, frustrated but most of all angry. Angry at the world and myself to allow myself to slip so far that I was now a target of my higher-ups while they smile in my face & pretend to care about me & my life. I started to do something which would have resulted in me being fired immediately. I started to leave work early, because of my building anger. The fact that I was beyond broke that night and once again unable to feed myself for the 2nd day in a row didn't help much in the ways to remaining clear & level-headed. So I did all I could practically do, went on a long break and smoked. Called my mom & cleared my head, ready to finish the nights work ahead. And I did. From 12:40-3a I worked in a fueled silence that continued to grow the more I looked at that place I have sacrificed my life in for the last 9 months. I thought about the alternatives, the possible outcomes, the reality. And it led me to a dark mind space. The type of space perpetuated by anger. The black hole within my soul I wish didn't exist.
Hungry, exhausted I reach out to my husband. Thankfully he responds and meets me an hour later out front his building baring gifts of cold chicken, bananas, & a smoke. (Yum) It took all of 8 minutes for him to calm me down & bring me back to reality. I emptied my sorrows into his t-shirt and still all he did was push laughter on me. It wasn't until 3 hours later when laying in bed unable to sleep that I was really able to accept it & let it go.
I recognized that I had to accept my part. My responsibility in how I got to this unsteady place. How I lost my focus & balance with the worry over the things I can't control in this life. Over the fact that there will be disappointments, losses, bills, challenges, deadlines & expectations that I can't meet. But that there are also ones I create for myself that I can completely overcome and exceed if & when I accept my responsibility for myself. And more importantly begin to act accordingly. and with that thought I drifted straight into a sound sleep.
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