Scared to sacred

What i really want to say is I that i am happy. Or rather I feel my happiness materializing. I just have to keep pushing forward. Doubt is trying to creep into my mind and make me stress. Break me down to a scared little girl . What doubt doesn't know is that I am fueled by the fear.
I realized I ran to Vegas because the time was approaching that i stand up and be accountable for all the shit I talk. I ran because i was afraid I wouldn't be good enough. I was afraid people would not like me for my life choice. I would be ridiculed, I would be booed, misunderstood, or laughed off the stage. At the time what I failed to realize is that, it's a process. No one is born great. Every person that came before me had to create themselves. They weren't born knowing or being perfect in their area. And if they were an activist or rebel with a cause the course was even harder. No one likes a rabble rouser, except of course, other rabble rousers.
The first day I felt alive in a long time was when I went skydiving. Seeing the world from that perspective gave me a new outlook. Realizing how small I really am, how quickly life passes, how defeating it is to live a lie or stress about things we have no control over. When I jumped, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i only get when i am scared shit less. And I want that feeling everyday of my life. In everything that i do. Because I'm learning that life is way more awesome living that feeling. You accomplish so much more, learn so much more following that feeling. So I now seek to do the things that scare me. For they are the things that push me. They are the things that will help me surrender to the truth.

The Stories We Tell (05.18.12)

today i lied, like really lied for the first time in a long time. i won't say what the lie was but it wasn't to anyone i actually knew. it was to a group of strangers. and it felt wrong when i said it but i couldn't stop myself. and then i continued on with the lie and it felt worse. to the point where i was sitting alone in the street sobbing simply because i knew i was lying and i could not turn back to to truth...

so why say anything now? maybe it's the act of anonymously unburdening my soul. even though it was a little lie, it was big enough to get a lot of attention from passersby in the street tonight. it put me in a position where i looked stupid and foolish. i looked like a jackass. there was no good reason for doing what i did, without giving it away. so i will say there was a good reason but i probably could have went about it another way.  i didn't have to lie, i could've told the truth, which would have left me stuck and i didn't want to be stuck tonight. i didn't want to be a lot of things, but here i am the embodiment of them all with smudgy makeup and a stuffy nose. tear trails down my cheeks and not a soul that cares but me.

lesson learned universe, no more lies.

The Wall (05.17.12)

There's this place that runners call "the wall." its different for everyone. some people get to the wall after a mile, or two, or more, or less. when riding my bike around henderson, where my mom lives, i would reach my wall after and hour of biking. always on my way home from the library. i would only be about a half mile away at the bottom of an incredibly steep hill, i could walk the rest of the way but it always hurt more. at times i would stop, catch my breath, and then continue on forward but slowly.

today i have reached the first wall of many more to come. being back in the city, after some time,  initially can cause a shock to the system. i've been running around all week, walking, climbing steps, running for busses & trains. i came home today because of an allergic reaction i was having to some food. after i took my allergy meds, i fell out. now that i am awake my body is aching in ways i have forgotten about. i feel the need to stop and rest. but then i remember i haven't seen my kids in two days. my husband is suffering from terrible pain in his knees. i lost my metrocard, so i will have to walk the 1.3 miles to their house. it's a tough decision to make, to climb the wall. get over it to the other side triumphant and continue forward.

my problem is motivation. my body doesn't won't cooperate and rationalize it to move for that long. after that nap, i'm still drowsy from the medication. getting to the bathroom was a chore that required a lot of wall support. but then i think about them and how they haven't seen me in two days. i think about how he needs me...

and i realize its that rationale that got me in this position in the first place. choosing the needs of other ahead of the needs of myself. its a small thing, a small thing that once turned into a big thing. does making the choice of me over him/them make me selfish? or does it show i've learned from my mistakes? had this been last year at this time, i would rush over to be there and do whatever needs to get done. i wouldn't be listening to my body when it tells me "REST!!!!!!" I would just be listening to my heart, telling me how much i miss them. and i would go.

so today my choice is to take the rest i need. return to them at full strength, ready, willing and able to be great for them.