Family ties

At 8 years old I had my 1st vivid dream, what shamans would call a vision. I saw my grandmother laying helpless on a floor crying out for help. Minutes later, shocked I jolted awake in my grandparents empty 4 post bed. The bed I had shared with my grandmother since my grandfather's bed was cold & vacant. My grandma, bajan raised, was always the early riser. Waking with the sun, humming her biblical songs shuffling around the house doing one chore or another. So I jumped out of bed in search of my busy bee. My footsteps echoed along the halls as I searched. On and on I went from room to room. The history of my family eying me from the walls the whole way. Until I reached the basement door ajar. And that's when I heard her. Faintly at first, her usually strong willed voice sounded light, like a baby's coo. Creeping down the basement stairs I found her at the bottom, having slipped trying to avoid kicking Hollywood (our cat), her feet got tangled and there she remained unable to get herself up. It was the first time I had seen her so vulnerable. So weak. It was a sight to my child eyes, seeing your hero fallen, helpless. It felt worse being unable to help her myself, no matter how much I tried, my immature body did not possess enough strength to life my fallen soldier. So I ran and woke my older brother in a panic.
Since then there have been several other occasions where I will have vivid dreams come to pass. I dreamed her death, as well as those of my niece and an older of mine. As I got older I forget the dreams. I am only left with the resonant feeling and an overbearing thought concentrated on the person the dream was about, followed by a thorough cleansing of my soul. Aka I cry uncontrollably for anywhere from an hour to three until I regain control of myself and drift into a blank sleep. It never happens with random people, only family members.
This morning was no different but it scared me the most. For this morning I dreamed about my mother. And I couldn't shake the feeling that her passing is soon to come. I dreamed of her pain, so much pain she is feeling. And I woke up amid tears & mumblings I cannot remember. My mind's eye focused on her and I could only feel a void where I'd usually feel her presence. I'm sure this sounds even weirder than believing I can foresee the death/pains of those I love. But my mom an I have aways had a freaky twin-like connection. There are many days where I am down and she'll call at the exact moment I need her support.&positive influence. She keeps me from going over the edge. I called her, twice and got no answer until I called her boyfriend. And he let me know that my mom is indeed in a lot of pain from a recent fall at work. So much so that she hasn't gotten out of bed for the past two days & she hasn't been sleeping well. While it doesn't help that I was right, I'm calmed to know she's not alone. She's got someone who loved her watching over her. And though I'll never express my full appreciation to him (cause I really don't like him), I am happy he is there. It eases my mind. I'm still worried though.
For the first time I am seriously considering her mortality. A thought I realized I've never had before. I never considered her death, what it would mean or how it would affect me. What will I do if/when she dies? Because one day she will die. As morbid as it is to think about, it must be considered, because the day will come & then what will I do?
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HOTD

Thirsty thirsty
Leave me alone
It is too hot for this shit
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HOTD: anger

This one is a 2-fer. You're welcome!

I sound angry
Because
I am angry
Get over it
Or fuck off

If one more person put their hand out
In my face
I just might bite them

J sans chez
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HOTD: sex

I need to get laid
That's not an opinion
Its a fucking fact

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Haiku of the day 2

No shoes
No shirt
Says he's crazy ninja man
Scenes in the train station
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H1

Today I found
two yellow roses on my walk to the train home
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They're, their, there..

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
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I am a dreamer

I often sit in the windows of stores I can't afford to shop in and wonder what it'd be like to be rich
To be able to walk through the street without my stomach rumbling from the smell of foods I can't pay for
To be able to pay the cable bill, gas bill, electric bill, rent, telephone, car note out the same check and still be able to shop..
To be able to take my children to a movie or museum or some other overpriced educational fun place and not make up an adventure in the park or city streets
To take the train by choice not necessity
To take a lover home and not hope my electricity has been turned off
To get my degree without the burden of working half my life paying it back.
To be treated with respect even when dressed like a bum, cause they know my wrinkled shirt was designed that way and costs me $700..
To have people look my in the eye rather than head to toe before addressing me
But then
I think of the loneliness,
The paranoia,
and obligation often attached to that life style. And take stock of the genuine friends I have.
The faithful supportive family.
The countles
s generosities I've encountered.
The beauty of life I intake walking through the park.
The creative adventurous inquisitive spirit I will have instilled in my children.
The smiles & laughter I share on a daily basis.
the warmth of my heart.
And decided my wealth knows no bounds. Because I'm a dreamer.
And as long as I have my dreams I'll never be broke nor broken.
-j sans chez
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Sorry

Lover
I am sorry for your assumption of who you wanted me to be
Sorry that our love was nothing more than a self full filling prophecy
Self destructive
A time bomb ticking away
And our actions the detonator
I'm sorry we exploded
Or rather that I imploded with no fore warning
I'm sorry for leaving and
I not look back cause when I do
I'm just reminded of the pain that was caused
I'm sorry that I couldn't keep it together
That my fury was too heavy and too full for my breast to hold
Sorry for being too hot to handle
And Too cool to care
I'm sorry for
Apologizing for so long, I became sorry
Became another stereotypical female caught up in the illusion of love
And let myself fall to pieces and expected you to figure shit out
Sorry I fell in love with a fantasy and ignored the reality that
What we had was deep lust & longings
I'm sorry
That I was not ready to be tied down
No matter how much I liked to be tied up..
I am sorry that
All I can offer in return are these words
Of promise, these words of sorrow, that these words are all I have
The words are all I can give
These words to that heal my soul
And hopefully,
Eventually your heart.

-J Sans Chez
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Letter to a little king

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
how fast you've grown
How fast you go
How fast you came
I wasn't ready for you then,
I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
And I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
forever
This first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Iike your mother
A dreamer
Look to the clouds
Let's look for animals
And make up stories..
Cause you were meant to create
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Take heed to the signs
Listen to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember you don't know everything
It takes time to learn
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.
-j sans chez
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