2010 started off as the most dramatic year of my life yet. I had recently married a man I thought I loved, despite his recent dip into crazy town. I stayed with him anyway, desperate to prove to him & myself (I later learned) that I was committed to the relationship & family we had decided to form. I was also a mother for the 2nd time, finally regaining hormones balance after having become a mother for the 2nd time within 2 years. 2009 was rough but proved to only be preparation for the wild ride to semblance that 2010 showed itself to be.
At this time I have to interject that I have always been (and I believe will always be) a bisexual woman. Since December of 2008 I had dedicated myself to nurturing my new role in the traditional sense of the word. Being a "good" mother & a "good" wife. I stopped hanging out with those friends of mine that aroused my "unconventional" desires, I swallowed the urges of attraction I felt and remained faithful to my husband. Despite the constant proofless - -- accusations, non-stop vocal & physical arguments, I remained faithful. As time passed I couldn't settle the storm that remained brewing inside.. The final straw came in july, while working 2 jobs, tired of arguing over a past that would never change, I decided to be honest in a painful way and considered the possible alternatives to my life. I came clean with my husband that although I had remained faithful, the course of our relationship had led me to the realisation that I was no longer in love. The storm would not calm because I was no longer willing to be a fool for or in love. By the time summer ended, I had itirrated my need for space, my want to be alone to clarify the contradictions within myself. I started seeing a physchologist, breaking down and through the issues I held inside. Sometime in september I met a woman who rocked me to my core the instant we met. It was as if our energies recognised each other from a past life. Like when you meet someone that your spirit immediately bonds to even though your mind can't process the connection. Anyway, through a series of pure coincidence, she helped me begin the journey to love myself again. To honour me and the people in my life. I cut my hair, and instantly felt a spiritual burden being lifted. She brought inspiration to me, in a way I hadn't had in a long time. She awakened the goddess within me.
In August in husband went away leaving me with an ultimatum. That I either decide to stay in this relationship or call it quits. Upon his return, I told him I had decided to leave and we separated even while still living together for financial support. The next couple months continued how much of the year had already went, fights and distance. Eventually I let myself be free and allowed myself the indulgence of this woman. And it was magical, a little disappointing, but magical still. I don't regret it, and never will.
We started marriage counselling in late november. We got through the holidays taking comfort in a friendship we haven't shared for years. And the night of our one year anniversary we listened to each other unload their heart with the decision to leave. To split that which just may be too broken to fix. Ironically a peaceful ending to a year that never seemed to end.
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