8.25:acceptance

Yesterday I found out exactly how sneaky my team members could be. I read something concerning my job status and at first it enraged me. I felt betrayed, used, hurt, frustrated but most of all angry. Angry at the world and myself to allow myself to slip so far that I was now a target of my higher-ups while they smile in my face & pretend to care about me & my life. I started to do something which would have resulted in me being fired immediately. I started to leave work early, because of my building anger. The fact that I was beyond broke that night and once again unable to feed myself for the 2nd day in a row didn't help much in the ways to remaining clear & level-headed. So I did all I could practically do, went on a long break and smoked. Called my mom & cleared my head, ready to finish the nights work ahead. And I did. From 12:40-3a I worked in a fueled silence that continued to grow the more I looked at that place I have sacrificed my life in for the last 9 months. I thought about the alternatives, the possible outcomes, the reality. And it led me to a dark mind space. The type of space perpetuated by anger. The black hole within my soul I wish didn't exist.
Hungry, exhausted I reach out to my husband. Thankfully he responds and meets me an hour later out front his building baring gifts of cold chicken, bananas, & a smoke. (Yum) It took all of 8 minutes for him to calm me down & bring me back to reality. I emptied my sorrows into his t-shirt and still all he did was push laughter on me. It wasn't until 3 hours later when laying in bed unable to sleep that I was really able to accept it & let it go.
I recognized that I had to accept my part. My responsibility in how I got to this unsteady place. How I lost my focus & balance with the worry over the things I can't control in this life. Over the fact that there will be disappointments, losses, bills, challenges, deadlines & expectations that I can't meet. But that there are also ones I create for myself that I can completely overcome and exceed if & when I accept my responsibility for myself. And more importantly begin to act accordingly. and with that thought I drifted straight into a sound sleep.
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8.24: hope

I'm often told by my father that he is guided by his everlasting spring of hope. It is his faith that things will work out & his hope that they do, that has allowed him to be so lucky for so long. I wish it was a genetic trait that I inherited. Instead I am the eternal dark cloud. Carrying my woes inside until I burst.

I don't remember exactly when it was that I lost my faith. I remember being a young, exuberant, excited woman. I used to love life & its possibilities. I could've had nothing but whatever was inside of me never let me falter. I had hopes, I had dreams but then I had kids. And once they entered my life, my home in the clouds was no longer safe. The instability I once enjoyed transformed into a treadmill of maintenance. A constant chase to provide for those souls I had manifested into being.
When I look into the mirror now all I can see are the hollow wells staring back. A vacant space between flesh. This woman I see has allowed the evils of the material world sink their teeth into her and suck her dry. There's no belief in the seemingly impossible. There are no dreams this being strives for. There is only desperation. She is barely holding on. And its up to me to save her/my life. Its my duty to remind myself that there is still something to believe in. That I do still want more from my life then what society says I have to accept in my position. I now look at this woman and breathe into her soul the spirit of our ancestors. The spirit that says everything is achievable when one believes. Because the "magic" that makes the impossible possible begins with belief. Just as the world laughed at the invention of the car, and now we couldn't imagine life without it. Because that person believed. They held onto hope in their heart as they traveled on their journey through this life. I whisper to her that "this too shall pass" because no storm ever stands still. One day the sun will shine on us again. Until it does, I will hold her tight, never letting her fall. For our fates are entwined, and I have no intention of giving up.
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8.22: Humor

Two guys are in a cart, one of them has white stuff on his face #thisismynight. Or at least the beginning of my journey home. After buying my water from the running gag cart, I head to the train station where I swipe my metrocard. And my baby gave up on me. She wouldn't swipe, I missed the train trying. So I walk over to the main booth where I run into my new buddy the older mta gentleman. I forget his name but I do know it. Anywho the booth lady let's me through but does pleas to me "please the next time you get a metrocard, DO NOT do this to it.."

Its been a movie kind of day. Like I wake up on time to get to where I should be and fall back asleep, fast fwd I get to the dmv around 1p and learn I have to go to anther DMV because apparently they are "too busy" to perform that service today. Get to that DMV and get on line to be given an application to fill out, just to get back on the same line to get a number in order to wait. The pudgy clerk hands me my number and motions me off to the overflowing seating area. I'm # B253, too bad they're only at B92.. Tick tock goes the clock. . Four hours later, I make it back inside right before they lock out some unlucky souls at 4:00pm and finally my number is called.

Having used all the funds available to me to pay for said replacement I.D, I head to my dad's house for lunch. Ever the daddy's girl, my father promptly fixes me a plate of chicken spot chicken. (^_^). The wikked part in this afternoon? He refuses to let me watch the latest episode of True Blood since he has yet to see any of this season.. (-_-) what a hater, he's probably not even a fan... Fast fwd through the rest of my typical day, an afternoon filled with kiddie laughs at the park, and an easy breezy closing shift. Which brings me back to where I started. It's 4am, I'm walking to the train on Astor place. Two guys are in a cart and one of them has white stuff on his face... #humorouslife

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8.21 responsibility

Today is like any typical Monday before a payday. I am broke. I've got a nominal amount in my account, a couple dollars in my pocket & instead of holding it to ration meals, I will be using it to replace my lost I.D card. -_-o
Makes me wanna go crazy but I know I can't let myself get to that point. I have to be calm. Accept the part I play in my own life. Cause this isn't cutting it.
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#NP Today is gonna be the day..

The roots are amazing at creating music that awakens your soul. You hear and know every word being spoken, but you awaken on the inside and begin to create yourself.
I was listening to this song when I was inspired to begin having daily attributes. (A fact I am now regretful of not writing about then.. But here we are now,so yippee!)

I figured that if I am to reach the long term goal of being a person that is liked and respected, I must do that for myself first. I look for what the lesson is every day.. And that becomes the attribute.

Today I worked from 1145a until 101a.. And I still didn't make my hours. So today's attribute is dependability; more specifically trust.. In my life both personal & professional, a lot of people depend on me. When we are dependable , we can be trusted and can trust others.
Trust builds anticipation
Which when met leads to expectations,
Not Me
I can be trusted...

If life was a school, I'd be failing every class. Not just because of my vices but because of various destructive habits I have adopted into my life over time. Like the habit of making excuse for the short-comings & irresponsibility of others. I push myself to do as much as possible everyday and end up not getting enough rest. Now I'm looking for a side gig and wonder how good of an idea that really is.
As it stands now, I barely have enough time to see my kids everyday with my internal clock being so off balance. But is it really a smart idea to continue on the path leading me to become financially undependable? In an ideal world, the answer to both of these questions is no. But I do not live in an ideal world, I live in reality. And the reality is, I need to make more money, even if it means sacrificing family time, rest, &/or my sanity.
We'll see how it goes.
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Freestyle in my head

Hip-hop you my wife
You my life
you the validation for the struggle & strife
I just wanna be with you everyday of my life
She love me so good I won't ever stop
There's never a day where she don't come out on top
I used hit it & split it.. Now they say I should get it
On a happy vibe from my homie's aqquital..
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What makes me believe

For a man who wasn't around much, my dad is kind of awesome.. Weird words coming from my mouth as much as I bash him for not being around "then" . But its true. In the end, he's the one who taught me to be a dreamer. And more importantly that it is okay to be a dreamer. It is okay to believe you can be anything & go after it. No matter what.
I think the coolest thing about him is that I can google his name and there is an entry about him in Wikipedia. No matter how long or short, he's in there. He has actual achievements from his life long passion. He is a "somebody" in the pop-cultural reference of the term. He will forever be remembered or rather always be able to be found within our American history. In the history of music, he is something of a legend & pioneer for his time.
As much as my personal feeling dictate the ways I choose to interact with him, he is my inspiration. He is a hero of mine. I want to be the same to my kids. I hope to one day develop a career in a life I love that they can also be inspired by. Whether its to look back and read my books/writings or go to a gallery and see my photos. Even if by some off chance I could become a stylist (ultimate goal), I hope to leave a legacy they can be inspired by and not a shadow for them to stand in.

Love & light

J Sans Chez
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