Today will forever be lodged in my memory as the day I decided to jump out the plane. While I did go skydiving for my birthday, today is the first day that I have decided to be fearless in my life's choice. Today is the day that I consciously and whole heartedly decided to produce my first show, at a theater, for paying people .
I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
09.24: embracing personality, explaining persona
For the last 3 or 4 months I have been apart of the WoW Cafe Theater. Wow is a theater collective of women & transpeople created for us to have a "safe space" to create any kind of art that we want to. All members of the collective gain sweat equity by working, producing, & hming the shows of fellow members. When a member has gained enough equity, they can submit a request to produce a show of their own.
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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09.23: learning lessons (patience)
Two days ago, I was told that my UE benefits had been held up because my former employer had protested my claim. [For those who don't know] When that happens, your claim is put on hold while an examiner goes over the claim to decide whether it is valid. Ie they decide when and if you get your benefits. But its not until you have made a claim for 3 weeks (a month in reality) that the "service people" can give you a direct number. Before that time you can only wait on hold for 45 or so minutes to be transferred to "their extension" (aka an answering machine) That was my Thursday (9.22)
Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
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