Passion, commitment.. And the age old questiom of "what are you going to do with your life?"

I don't know how many people come across this little blog of mine. I know even less of how many people actually read it. Neither is of any importance to me. Don't get me wrong, I love you for reading my words. For coming back every now and again to indulge in my progression. I even love those people who stmble across it by accident and read out of sheer boredom. What i'm meaning to say is I don't write for you or for anyone but me. it is my healthy release of the torments that plague me. internally to some extent, i know someone else out there in the world is going through something similar. so i share my lessons and hopefully help them while helping myself.
i'm about half way through my Saturn's Return. Since learning of it and what it meant for me, I've been making some changes and major life defining decisions. One major one being that I am a multi discipline artist. Not for the money but for the love of it, it's healing, it's provocation to social change. I love to write, to paint, to make things, to design, to sing, to perform. I live for it. The many incarnations of artistry is my passion, outside of parenthood, it is art that keeps me sane. I am also discovering that inside of me lives an activist. I've never been a person that could keep my mouth shut when I see something wrong going on. I couldn't keep the secrets that cause others to hurt. Art allows me to express my opinion of the world and make it question itself.
I came to this epiphany several days before leaving my NY home. As I sat in the LES on the sidewalk in the pouring rain crying at the acceptance of the fact that I would have to cancel a show I was in the process of creating. Not because I was homeless or jobless (situations I have faced and conquered before) but because I didnt have the support of my co-creators. While I loved their concern for my "basic needs", I couldn't stomach the lack of belief in me and my abilities. Really it was just the one who,didn't believe. The other I took no fault with, he had legitimate concerns for the creative process and quality of the outcome. But the other is a long time friend. If anyone knows my hustle, I thought, she would. It wasn't until later in the night, curled up on a friemd's couch that i remembered that just because I had to postpone the show, doesn't mean I have to stop creating it. It doesn't mean that I must stop in any way. It just means that right now was not the time for it to be shown.  I must take a pause, perhaps to work out those spots I wasn't quite clear or sure about until my creation is ready to live. It takes 9 months for children to form and be ready to meet the world. One day or month too soon and their survival rate drops, so it is with art. If we rush to get it all out without allowing time for our creation to develop the strength to stand on it's own, we may fall short.  And that is okay. I can live with that.
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Doing It Myself

Not so recently ago, I decided I was done with trying to conform to the standards of beauty set out for black women in this society and embrace my natural hair. after a fantasic gift of homemade flaxseed gel from my home girl P (thekitchensalon.blogspot.com), I allowed my fade to continue to grow out past its fledgling afro stage instead of getting another hair cut. Now i'm on a journey to get a Pam Grier fro.
So now that im stuck in Vegas, with no money to call my own, I have the opportunity to dive into creating my own recipies for hair care. Today's challenge is conditioning. I visited many a website advising what the best ingredients are for DIY conditioners. I made some substitutions since I dont have any essential oils to work with. Here's the recipe:
Approx half cup water to a boil, 3 vitamin c tabs, 3 vitamin d tabs, 2 vitamin b1 tabs, 2 teaspoons lemon juic or extract, 2 mashed garlic cloves, teaspoon olive oil, the oil from 5 fish oil caplets, and two teaspoons honey. Combine all ingredients into a pot and bring to a boil. Then in a bowl whisk strained boiling contents into 4 tablespoons of mayonaise. Add mixture to a smooth (not thin) consistancy. If it begins to be too thin, add more mayonaise to thicken into a paste like consistancy. Cover hair entirely after shampooing.
At this point let it sit on your hair for at least 10 minutes. You can comb it through with a detangling comb if you choose (i prefer to comb through after washing).
Important note: when washing out the conditioner, make sure to thoroughly wash hair. I reccommend at least 7 minutes under mildly hot water to help melt out whatever you fail to scrub out.
After washing, I combed through my hair with a detaingling spray (also homemade). I gotta admit, I kinda cheated on the spray. I combined a cup of boiling hot water with 1/4 cup of suave lavender conditioner and half a cup of melted shea butter. My hair dries quickly, so this was really wonderfully helpful when combing through my sectioned hair.
Is there any difference?
I will say yes. Immediately after washing, I noticed a definite shine that I didnt have before. My curls were well defined and soft. Aside from the dryness, it was a nice switch from the norm. I aslo reccommend that you wash you hair out during a shower because wearning a shirt that smells like mayo is no bueno.
Good luck to you on your natural hair adventures!
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Setteled in

Today im finally completely unpacked and settled in to my temporary home away from home. My mom's spacious two bedroom house in henderson, nv. About a 15 minute drive from las vegas. Except I dont feel at home, I dont feel very much... It is easier that way. I dont curl up in a ball and cry my afternoons away. Instead I write, I draw, I look for things to amass to paint. I try to get through it so my daughter can be strong. So she doesnt see her mother as a hot mess. She can. Better adapt, I hope. Its my hope that she will, sooner than later, get accustomed to not seeing her brother and father everyday.
I know one thing is for sure, this will not be permenant unless we are all here. Its unfair to them, that they must suffer because their parents cant see, to get it together. And even when we, or better yet I, get it together, why should they remain apart. Its one thing for me to not be there, but to break a bond so deep has been hurting my heart since we concieved the plan.
During an evening walk with my daughter today, she began crying spontaneously. the one moment I dispise, happens daily, and all I can offer for comfort is a promise I hope I can keep.

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Last night in NYC

For my final day in new york city, this has been the best. Upon waking uo bright & early at the crack of 10a, I gathered my belongings from my resident couch in my friend's apartment, and returned to the place I used to call home. the door opens to the bright, shining face of my little girl as she runs to me with open arms. We play until lunch and then I began the process of repacking our lives into two suitcases and two carry on bags. Its an all day process that lasts until 10p, with breaks for picking up K from school, having dinner with my family, homework & bath time. I even found time to braid up Niya's wild fro into a neat braided style. At bedtime, she was so tired from fighting that she went straight to sleep. But not K, he stayed up as late as he could, holding me as I cried in his arms, making jokes, getting me to laugh. I laid and cried with my boys wrapped in my arms as long as I could. Until I felt the crippling weight of what tomorrow was to bring. Separation. Being split across the country. So I left. Went to my place of solace. Freestyle mondays at 116.
I could think of no better way to spend my last night then to rock out on a mic in a room full of emcees. To be surrounded in a community of music and lifted spirits. It was whilst standing on the line to spit that u was able to consider the bright side in this situation. That I would have true and absolute freedom, like righy now. This moment in time. So the band swaps, songs get played, emcees get slayed and others just give up. I recognize that I am becomming an emcee. Like it or not, hip hop has always made my heart beat. It may not be my main goal but it is within me to do. Its why I write, why I drive myself mad with perfecting prose, and constantly imaging new verse. Art, music, photography.. Thats what I am about. I am not a time clock puncher. I am a free creative thinker & dooer.
the night ends, and contact info is exchanged, I am sADDENED once again. "what do you want to do on your last night" is the question being raised repeatedly over falaffel. I can only say I want to walk. At first there are three of us. Until Grey gives up, heads west to our east. Dy and I head east at my lead. Through my high school stomping grounds of Grammercy Park, down to my adult prefential hang outs of the east village & LES. And we talk, endlessly. It is a perfect winter weather for saying goodbye to my lover with a moonlit stroll. From LES over the Williamsburg bridge, to my heart & home, Brooklyn. A walk that only took 3.5 hours. Dy is amazed, and must now swipe me on the train, and get straight to work. I look out riding the j, seeing all the spots we didnt hit, all the places I forgot about. I whisper a another goodbye to new york, my long time lover. Until we meet again.

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Last night

$3 to enter
strip down, stockings or less
I wanna see you naked
Night shirt and (red)panties
Happy birthday chris,
im psychic since I guessed right
straight to the dance floor when Micheal's on
Naked women on the walls
Pimp robes lined in cheatah
Smoking jacket for red leader 4
Art everywhere,
community
$2 shots of whisky
J's @thebar
Put a dolla in her titty if you like the service
Showtime!
they rock
We roll
Smile for the camera
Flashes flashes every where
Flash those below
ascending the stairs
Lines at the bathroom,
always lines
company passes the time
She's from sacremento,
They're from san francisco
Sydney in the house
retrieving friends is a 2 man job
Drunken walk of pride
Stop kicking things over
Seated jam circle/session
Live freestyle in the hallway
Send me the video
Dont disturb the neighbors
basement smoke &
mirrors the 80's
Or 90's maybe
Time to hit the road
Late night tacos
& waffle fries
Pass that once more
This couch is occupied
Slept like a baby
Last night.

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countdown weekend

this weekend has been the most spiritually fulfilling experience yet. Friday night, I sat in on a casting session, then had a great dinner. the kind of dinner that makes you forget that there people who were invited but didn't show. it didn't matter because the company i was in was fantastic at keeping me entertained and thinking. We ate sushi and drank out way into a $200 bill (even with everything being 50% off) until the restaurant closed at 1am. Frolicking through the city in search of more drinks, adventure, a dance floor to let loose on. It was a good night with good friends and some new ones.
saturday it snowed. while most people would frown, (and as much as i dislike the cold/snow) i am a huge secret fan of snow. the way it blankets all the flaws of this city, creating a picturesque scenery. the mild chill becomes something i can stand especially when i look over and see the joy my kids have in what nature has provided for them to play in. a walk to the train seemed frustrating until i just enjoyed the fact that they were completely satisfied playing in the snow, 6 feet from their home. that although, the plan i set for the day was centered around them and other people's desire to see them (and vice versa); plans are meant to be fluid. we eventually made it to the brooklyn children's museum, where long time friends (family really) led my children through the exhibits and indulged themselves in being kids for an afternoon. it was a day of laughs and love. even when my rambunctious son tripped and hit his head on an exhibit. after about 30 minutes of rest with an ice pack, he was right back up, ready to conquer (or destroy) the world. we ate our pizza on the train since it was the only place with seats. i held them for a time, relishing in the day's events. enjoying the calm of being in their presence. the peace of being surrounded by family.
and then came saturday night, an unexpected awesomeness of art. the plan was to go to reggay and find some pyt to whine up with... that was until i was invited to see a friend's band perform at a lingerie themed birthday party. both parties were in williamsburg, so i figure 2 birds, one stone. i'm gonna do it! so after a solitary dinner, some cheap shots at continental, and a short search for an outlet to charge my phone, i caught (by luck) the last L train to brooklyn. the walk to public assembly is short. so i glide in looking for this party. i peak my head in the door, and despite it being 11pm, there are about 5 people scattered around the front room blasting reggae. clearly it's not my type of party just yet. so i figure i'll catch Deathrow Tull perform and come back.. 3 stops, a short walk and quick stop at the liquor store (about 20 mins later) I am standing outside 255 Mckibbin st, trying to find a way in. I follow the signs posted for a party in the building since i don't know the name of the person throwing it. All I know is my friend Dyalekt's band is performing. {I later find out that this party is apart of something called 12 Days of Art being hosted by Brooklyn Wildlife. BTW if you have some free time, check out these events because they (and all the people involved) kick ass} getting back to the fact that i initially wandered into the wrong party in which a well dressed friendly fellow named Paul, let me stay and enjoy myself until my friend showed up. I jumped on the option until i saw that I had zero reception in the space and went back to waiting by the back door. a few minutes later Dy appears with a gang of people (presumably the band, or not.. ) and entry to an upper level where the party is occurring is granted. After paying a $3 entry fee and stripping down to my panties and night shirt, the party begins. at first it's quite empty, but soon fills up as people arrive in large numbers. more clothes are shed. drinks go around. shots & j's available at the bar.. i'm given free range with a camera. i can not be more giddy by this trust given to me. and so i frolic and give myself over to the good vibe in the room. more shots, more weed smoke, pictures, flashing lights. art covers the walls, black lights provide ambiance and in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.. the band plays and the entire party is lifted. many pictures later, i return the camera after the set is done but continue to frolic. this whisky & burbon begin to have it's way with me and i let loose on the  dance floor, not really knowing what i'm doing, just feeling my way through the music. and it feels good. moment of euphoria and epiphany. i escort an australian to get his friend, as it is a two man operation. pit stop in the hallway back to the party, i'm drunk now and i know it, my feet constantly kick the empty beer cans & bottles over, so i take a seat. the gathered musicians follow suit and before i know it, there's a freestyle jam session in play, complete with human beatboxes. i jump in, jump out and listen and sing/hum/rap along as my spirit moves me. the circle ends, there was a video. i hope to find it. i continue to dance and mingle & party and be wrapped up in the joy of the evening. it is now evident that i am drunk but never once was i unaware. i never made it back to reggay, but i'm sure i didn't miss much.
i slept like a baby that night, wrapped up in a blanket on my friend's couch. unknowing of what this move holds for my future but more motivated then ever to continue my artistic pursuits from amateur into professional. it's how i was meant to live, i now know that i am talented enough to compete and compare. to make it in this city i love, indulging in a life of art. i can't wait to leave just to come back and test the waters. this was a fabulous send off weekend as much as they could be. 

jan15

i read the writings of a friend and was reminded of brown bodies. the night of movement, when packed into a room for fellowship, i was destroyed and healed in the same day. today my affirmation read that every person dies and is reborn a million times or more in their lifetime. It states that most people do not or can not accept the inevitability of death. The fact that it will happen at some point or another. Therefore those people never change. Today I open my heart and mind to be aware that  without death there can be no change. All things will remain the same. today i remember that i have died and will continue to die each day that i continue to grow. to learn to be better than i was before.
today i finally got a reply from a person i hadn't heard from in a long time; too long of a time. my best friend, sean. the one person who since i met had always been in my corner, the one person who would always push me the right way. she always had my back until the day she was suddenly gone. i knew she was moving away to seclusion to work on her album, so it didn't surprise me when i hadn't heard from her for the initial 2-3 months. our friendship has lasted through longer periods of not being in communication. but when it approached almost 6 months, i started to get worried. and then i posted on her facebook wall and saw her communication with other friends. so i satisfied my curious green eyed monster and snooped. (word to the wise, never snoop.. it never ends well) so i snooped, and put 2 and 2 together, and understood that she was willfully ignoring me. she was intentionally avoiding my calls, visits, emails,  etc. the moment of  epiphany was earth shattering. all i could do was sit in a corner, balled up and balling like a newborn. it was the moment i truly felt alone, like i had really been abandoned because i've never had the thought of "what if she leaves me?". not as if we were a couple but in a way she has been the longest standing relationship in my life. from the moment we met, we were bonded in a friendship.15 years later, we remain friends, so to know she has finally grown fed up with me, is a wake up call to re-examine what is wrong there. i remember once i told her i loved her, and she was ever so sweet to shake it off and let me down easy. but  my love for her has never ended and never will as long as i live. i hope that one day we will clear the air between us. that we will again unite and be friends again. and knowing her, we will. i just need to give her some time.

jan17th

today was a good day, i woke up  less aloof to my feelings on this whole new circumstance of life. I have been trying to cage myself for so long. there is something relieving about being alone. now i wish i would have gotten a train ticket instead of a flight out. i know niya will be moody (to say the least) in the upcomming weeks, but i also know she just needs time to adjust. just like i will. a week going through the county rather than over it, seems like a better choice. but on the other hand, i know myself. and as much as i am trying to change, i know it is better to get to my mother as soon as possible, because i have a lot of healing to do. and only another woman  can help me.   i need her love, and her care. most of all, i know she needs mine. she needs me. i don't know how i know. other than to say i feel it inside. in my soul. i have dreams about her that rock me. i can call her at just the precise moment, she needs help. not physically being there for her is enough to make me know that me leaving to be with her is the best thing i can possibly do for myself or for my family.
hmmm.. family, so much come us with just the mention of that single word. i like many other people are tethered to feelings of the past. there is always a history with family. i am convinced the more that i live, that a family is not blood alone. and just because you're blood, doesn't always make you family. but i digress. four years ago i created my own family; with j. two like minded individuals, created life and agreed to provide any and everything that life needed or wanted by any means necessary. at least, that is how i view it now. us setting out to do this, the most complex thing in the history of mankind. the most fragile thing, most important thing. five years later it's 2012 and i am moving to las vegas with my daughter while he stays here with our son.

Fwd:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "Joi Sanchez" <cjoisanchez@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 11, 2012 4:40 PM
Subject:
To: <cjoisanchez.damaged@blogspot.com>

Yesterday I saw a black girl crying
I walked up and asked whats wrong.. she told me that the radios been playing her story all night long.. That hordes of strangers follow her every waking moment. All she wants is to be left alone..

In the end nothing even matters

Theres a saying in the acting community, "the show must go on".. I guess tours true for everyone but me. Tonight my co-creator and friend dropped out of a show I am producing because she can't consign this project when my basic needs aren't met. I tuned her out once she began too mention my children's needs not being met. As if she knows anything about it, I declined to respond. And what else should I really have expected from her? our from anyone for that matter? There has yet to be a person inside my familial life that has said anything positive regarding my artistic pursuits. Their answer is always just go to vegas as soona possible. Don't try to start here.just go. Just go.. And stop that is what I will do.originally I had concocted a plan to dio the show within a month and gio to vegss after. Now at the end of that same day,i find myself exhausted fighting the negativity around me.all I wanted to dio was perform.but I guess its not for me to do if I can't even have the super of my friends behind me.

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Letting go

This afternoon i awoke in a strange place. a place not my home or my own but felt comfortable.
Yesterday I was crushed by the last person I expected. Was is deserved, I don't know anymore. I'd question my actions and his motives but when all is said and done, there is nothing more to be said. No more words to say. The relationship has been over for quite some time, we both just too weak with hope to admit it to ourselves. Too afraid to be alone to admit it to one another, only to find ourselves alone anyway. Now I face the decision I've been avoiding for years. Do we split up our children or jut all the beans into one pot.  He's an excellent father, bipolar tendencies aside he's also one of the best men I've ever loved. i just never given myself the opportunity to admit that one day it was destined to end between us because as good as we are alone, together we are toxic. It's a fact. Not a fantasy that I choose to believe. The past is full of evidence, I just wouldn't hear the case. uop't face the truth that holding on, only made the ropes fray faster. Until eventually you're forced to let go. The problem, we didn't fall back into love, we fell face first into insecurities and pain. In pain we reside. In silence we lived. In stress, hardship, and faith we continued on ignoring the signs.
but now is not time to wonder or to cry over spilt milk. Now it's time to make a plan, stick to it, and learn to live again. Without the restraints of one another. Without worry so much of what we've lost. Toni Morrison once said that the inability to let go of things, whether they be physical, mental or emotional, is a demonstration of a lack of faith. When we can let go, we make room for the blessings to come into our lives. Today I let go, of the past, the feelings that reside there, the dreams of yesterday, the disappointments, the expectations, and even the possessions of it. It is all gone and forgotten so I can remember that I deserve better in the future. I deserve to be better in the future. I deserve to give better in the future. And in the present I can be satisfied with the work I am doing to accomplish those things.

searching for the light

i often feel the tug of ancestral spirits calling me home to where i am safe
calling me
calling me
calling my name
they say come home again
woman love yourself

i sometimes feel the urge to sell everything i own
move to countries comprised of villages & villas
set against beach & mountains
sing the sirens sea call
and lay forever in that moment
if i could lay forever
if only i could lay forever
in that moment

i would

i would pack up my bag full of guilt, hate, frustrations,
throw my madness into the oceans abyss
say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
But I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night

Damn

You're in school

Education

The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction

Listen

to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember

you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

Love & Light

And the beat goes...

On and on like a broken record, I replay my emotions on the 1's & 2's. The sweetest sound I hear in my day is enough to break through my barriers and bring tears to my eyes moments later. Because here I am not mommy. I can't be mommy. Not primarily. First & foremost I am MOD. Grand dame queen beast of the cupcake kingdom.
I got in trouble for being a mommy today. Not specifically but in the broader region of common sense, where all I really had to do was ask first. To double check that it was okay to take my little boy to the bathroom before I just did it. But I didn't, and I had to face the fact that i was wrong, no matter how right the instinctive reasoning. Even despite the fact that others have been doing it since I've been there, I should have thought twice. But I couldn't see myself being the mom that's a douche to her son, in public, better yet at all.

Love & Light

It's not all right but it's all real!

This year the holidays passed as nothing special. I spent my time off divided between family & friend. These days it feels like I'm in a sand storm. Blinded by the winds of change forever surrounding me, pushing me one way or the other. The hard part is seeing through the storm, to the horizon where peaceful skies rest. Sunshine awaits and speaks my name in whispers as if it is a secret I must seek out and capture. That until I find that magic place, I will only encounter pain. There is no wisdom or reason here.

In this desert I walk in alone, abandoned. J says he is here with me; if only he knew where to find me. But no one can understand, especially not him. No one can understand what it's like to be a queer woman married to man who has broken her beyond  her bounds and has taken a beating in return.  That no matter how much I have forgiven, I can not forget, my soul won't let me. No matter how much love my heart holds, my spirit is selfish, holding it all for myself, saying I need it to heal. I'd turn to him with open arms but I don't want to stab him with my contradicting dagger thoughts. So I love him the only way I know how for now.

 Few have walked the path before me and where they have stepped the wind has swept away their foot prints. There is no blueprint to follow. There are no instructions to tell me if I am right or wrong, only my spirit to guide me. My spirit, that the more I listen to it, the closer I get to her, the further I get from the world we created so many years ago.

There are no rules to this. Just a hunch to go on, a hope to hold on to. That one day all will be right. That there will be a we and not just a me. That hope is not just a tease to keep someone holding on. That hope is real and worth it. 

I am not an asshole. Not pure & simple. If anything I am an onion. Layers developed over time that bring nothing but tears when pulled back. I was never the good choice to make and I don't always make the good choices. But I am secure entering this year knowing that even though it's not all right it is all real. and for now, it's enough clarity to keep me moving forward. 

Testing

Testing 123
Love & Light