Its hard to believe that to get as drunk as I was last night and I woke up today remembering almost everything. I remember being a very wavy walker but sobering up once I received a call from my store's security company. Then immediately returning to drunk when I got on the train. I remember inviting someone to a party I thought would be epic (and was in a grown up way) and seeing the boredom ooze from their face from the moment we met up. I remember asking a friend to meet up and that not happening because I had no reception.
I remember these things and write them down because there were lessons there. One is don't invite people you don't really know to things with people you do really know. Their idea of a good time could be wholly different from yours. Especially if that person is younger and completely straight. And out of courtesy & respect they'll never tell you or fully express how bored they are. But a good sign is maintained silence, constantly checking/sending text messages (or just playing with one's phone), also an awkward tension in the air. This makes the person no less good or fun but as a first time chilling, the venue should always be considered.
I also learned that my paranoia/fear of far fetched scenarios is seriously out of control. I learned from the last two weeks or so that I have spent so much time separated from the world that I developed what could be considered a phobia of it and the people in it. When I interact with strangers now, its more introverted, less social, more awkward, almost forced. That is until I've had a drink or two. I do, however, still dance by myself anywhere to any beat, but I'm drunk it can get sloppy. Someone told me its attention seeking to dance the way I do, I see it as therapy. My alternative to days when I don't make it to yoga or the gym, I make my way to a dance floor and get lost in a rhythm. I let the beats overtake my subconscious and guide all the stress out of my body. It feels good. It makes me feel good. So perhaps my performance art should include some dancing.
The third and final thing I learned about myself is that once I do get past my own self-doubt, I'm a really cool person that people do like. In one night I have learned that I allow my fear to control me and I need to stop. More often then not, I'm the one creating that awkward tension that I feel in the air. Once I clear my mind of all that crap, I'm golden.
Which leads me to the moral of the night: no one cares how you live your life, people only get annoyed with you when you keep changing your mind. When you can't be categorized, they don't know what box to put you in. And that's okay cause there is a world full of people who live outside the box that will party right alongside you.
Thanks Saturn for these lessons. I'll try harder to apply them to my life everyday.
-JSC
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