#9

"I am trying to become who I would've been without you because I hate who I am because of you"
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#5 (live your life)

I am afraid that I have found the truth about myself but am just scared to admit to it. Because I am in conflict internally. What I was raised to believe and emulate is not what I have determined to be right for me.
I guess that's a major part of this final movement into adulthood. And there is the likelihood of my decisions being a contradiction to who I claim to be. But I make no promises, and therefore should be okay.
I choose the path of wisdom & pain over ignorant bliss any & everyday.. Because life I find, is too long for me not to know more. And sometimes pleasure/bliss can spring from pain. Pain passes over time, fades away until there is nothing left but perfection.
I'm terrified to leave what it is I thought I knew. A lie, a life of comfort. But to feel something is better than nothing. To aspire for impossible dreams is better than shuffling through a haze of disappointment. I don't want to constantly see failure in my reflection. Unhappiness, a secret smile hidden beneath layers of worry, stress, & sorrow. I want to be free spiritually & emotionally yet still honor my responsibilities as a woman to myself and others.
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#6

Today is one of those days where if I had crossed the street I would have prayed to have been hit by a truck. The bigger the better. Honestly I hate days off because its never a real day off, its just more work. And there are days lie this, where I wake up feeling worse than loose bowels. More like road kill and less than human.
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Fwd: #3

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joi <cjoiadams@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Oct 23, 2010 at 2:42 AM
Subject: #3
To: Mobil blogging <cjoisanchez.damaged@blogspot.com>


Right now my shit is playin' not even any particular song comes top mind, just a genre of music comes my way. And my hips want to move, I want to shake the body I was bessed with and be one with da rydem.m the rhyme with words that rhyme...
She is the key, the rhyme and the reason, I understand that I feel outcasted only when I make myself so.... So why perpetuate that which is simultaneously natural.. I feel as if I belong, as I the deams I have are possibly,: as if I were to lose myself on a dance floor, float away and be recognized bythe dances looking up with hands up and eyes closed, giving birth to the most high for another day full of opportunity upon this earth.. Fuck this I gotta dance.. And pee
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Starting Over

For year I've been caught up in the idea of writing a book, but I wasn't until last year where I had the genius idea of piecing together the random thoughts I express daily into a real story. And so I began collecting whatever came into my head via voice notes & memos. Finally I was making the most out of my "smart" phone. Unfortunately for me, the not so smart user, I forgot to back up any of these things. I also saved nothing to my SIM card. So like my hair, my book will now have to start again fresh. Perhaps its serendipitous in the timing; I may just be an idiot savant.
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#47

He asks what it is I really want, with tear stained skin he gazes at me, my heart skips a beat... and my brain pauses. Breathing stops.
i remember what we were talking about.. what I want. . .
What I want is a life defined by no one but me. I want to live outside the boxes designed, defined, and designated by society.
I want to be the independent, free-spirited, spit fire, rapid tongued, no nonsense type of woman I was raised to be.
The type that uses her mind and not her heart to male those serious, life altering decisions I should have already made by now. I want to be the type of woman that years from now makes her daughter proud to want to e like. I want to be someone who loves and honors herself and the responsibilities she carries. I want to be more than what is expected of me. 
I want to be able to express how i feel in real life, with more than action...
I want to live an honest life. I want to not be the cause of your troubles, your pain, your tears, i want to not be the reason that you are stuck here in this moment of life. I want to not be your excuse, your reason for holding yourself back. I want to not confuse you.
I want to not want anything more than what I have.

hello all

Hi and welcome to my blog. Many may be wondering what's with the title, and why all the numbered entries. Well it's simple. I've been working on these pieces for months. As they are finished I will post more and more. But they will never be titled, because that's the kind of life I live... One without labels and definitive lines drawn all about. I am an artist in every sense of the word. Undefined by nature and will not be defined by anyone other than self. Originally when starting this blog, I had called it "Ladi's Guide to Surviving Saturn", mainly because according to my astrological profile, I am currently entering Saturn's return to Scorpio in my life. For many people this happens to be a very turbulent time of change and all around crazy.  And when I sat down to really think about what I would write about, how I would write it, and who may read this, I reconsidered. I could never guide people through a time like this simply because it's so crazy and different for every person who has this experience. If you're like me and your life is a bit out of alignment with the cosmic order of things, then you'll be smart enough to extract the lessons of life I have/will be learning from my experiences. If you are different (aka "normal") then you may appreciate the poetry in motion and be amused by the random ramblings of a woman in transition. Transition to what I have no idea as of yet but I'm hoping its to a place that I am sound & secure in mind & spirit.
Either way, I think you for stumbling up & reading my blog. If you are following me, even more thanks. Enjoy. And please leave some comments.. I love the feed back.

#5

I did this amazing thing, and I feel free..
Lighter, as if I might float away somewhere...
Off in the distance I see my old self and I wave goodbye to that girl..
I stand alone in the room,
embracing the woman reborn within me,
greeting her presence.
Honored by her choice of me for her sister, mother, lover, wife;
choosing me to be her everything.
I acknowledge that it is time to live and let die. Those burdens too heavy to carry I lay down my arms and defenses.
I am throwing up my hands to the sky
because I need to give up the fight
before it kills me.
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#16

She speaks of love as if it is a game,
something to be played
kept boxed up on a shelf,
after the players have gone away
far away from wanting hearts and wavering minds
like closeness is irrelevent in the development of
something more than physical
i hate her
hate her eyes
the way they stare like lasers burning holes into me
hate that when i look into them,
i let her soul lock onto mine
and carry me away like leave in the fall breeze
My mind becomes a porch
swept clean of previous clutter, empty like her heart
just peace and tranquility fills the space just previously occupied by my love
i hate that when her fragile arms cluch me in their embrace i feel secure in this crazy world
suddenly assured that the woman i am today
is the woman she'll love forever
i hate her smooth melodic voice bringing
deliciously harsh kicks to my pride.
knocking my ego down to just the right size
the nook right below her head
leaving me tall enough to be her stoic empress
yet short enough to snuggle the nape of her neck
where i can inhale her sweet essence
i hate that smell
the one that emenates from her
resonates in me like pine trees on christmas
this  scent intoxicates my being and i am filled with love
losing all reason
forgetting that i hate her mind
and her super powers
like her ability to convince me to be my better self with her & for her
and how she pushes me foreward
by keeping me from looking back
I hate the caress of her chocolate skin and full juicy lips
quenching the thirst of which i was unaware i even had.

sweet temptation

So I'm sorry that the heat is too intense for me to take
I feel it deep down
Makes my belly ache
Makes me wanna take
Advantage of the moment
Not you
There are so many things I'd like to do
With and for you
But right now Georgi is coursing thru my veins
And the reins I need to take hold of
Keep slipping

Yes sir

Yes maam
I am smitten
Its your britches I'd like to get in
As a favor to you
Want to taste your flavor and savor
Every moment of you

You're all I can taste when I lick my lips

So I imagine the reality
Of what it could be
If only you would let me
In