countdown weekend

this weekend has been the most spiritually fulfilling experience yet. Friday night, I sat in on a casting session, then had a great dinner. the kind of dinner that makes you forget that there people who were invited but didn't show. it didn't matter because the company i was in was fantastic at keeping me entertained and thinking. We ate sushi and drank out way into a $200 bill (even with everything being 50% off) until the restaurant closed at 1am. Frolicking through the city in search of more drinks, adventure, a dance floor to let loose on. It was a good night with good friends and some new ones.
saturday it snowed. while most people would frown, (and as much as i dislike the cold/snow) i am a huge secret fan of snow. the way it blankets all the flaws of this city, creating a picturesque scenery. the mild chill becomes something i can stand especially when i look over and see the joy my kids have in what nature has provided for them to play in. a walk to the train seemed frustrating until i just enjoyed the fact that they were completely satisfied playing in the snow, 6 feet from their home. that although, the plan i set for the day was centered around them and other people's desire to see them (and vice versa); plans are meant to be fluid. we eventually made it to the brooklyn children's museum, where long time friends (family really) led my children through the exhibits and indulged themselves in being kids for an afternoon. it was a day of laughs and love. even when my rambunctious son tripped and hit his head on an exhibit. after about 30 minutes of rest with an ice pack, he was right back up, ready to conquer (or destroy) the world. we ate our pizza on the train since it was the only place with seats. i held them for a time, relishing in the day's events. enjoying the calm of being in their presence. the peace of being surrounded by family.
and then came saturday night, an unexpected awesomeness of art. the plan was to go to reggay and find some pyt to whine up with... that was until i was invited to see a friend's band perform at a lingerie themed birthday party. both parties were in williamsburg, so i figure 2 birds, one stone. i'm gonna do it! so after a solitary dinner, some cheap shots at continental, and a short search for an outlet to charge my phone, i caught (by luck) the last L train to brooklyn. the walk to public assembly is short. so i glide in looking for this party. i peak my head in the door, and despite it being 11pm, there are about 5 people scattered around the front room blasting reggae. clearly it's not my type of party just yet. so i figure i'll catch Deathrow Tull perform and come back.. 3 stops, a short walk and quick stop at the liquor store (about 20 mins later) I am standing outside 255 Mckibbin st, trying to find a way in. I follow the signs posted for a party in the building since i don't know the name of the person throwing it. All I know is my friend Dyalekt's band is performing. {I later find out that this party is apart of something called 12 Days of Art being hosted by Brooklyn Wildlife. BTW if you have some free time, check out these events because they (and all the people involved) kick ass} getting back to the fact that i initially wandered into the wrong party in which a well dressed friendly fellow named Paul, let me stay and enjoy myself until my friend showed up. I jumped on the option until i saw that I had zero reception in the space and went back to waiting by the back door. a few minutes later Dy appears with a gang of people (presumably the band, or not.. ) and entry to an upper level where the party is occurring is granted. After paying a $3 entry fee and stripping down to my panties and night shirt, the party begins. at first it's quite empty, but soon fills up as people arrive in large numbers. more clothes are shed. drinks go around. shots & j's available at the bar.. i'm given free range with a camera. i can not be more giddy by this trust given to me. and so i frolic and give myself over to the good vibe in the room. more shots, more weed smoke, pictures, flashing lights. art covers the walls, black lights provide ambiance and in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.. the band plays and the entire party is lifted. many pictures later, i return the camera after the set is done but continue to frolic. this whisky & burbon begin to have it's way with me and i let loose on the  dance floor, not really knowing what i'm doing, just feeling my way through the music. and it feels good. moment of euphoria and epiphany. i escort an australian to get his friend, as it is a two man operation. pit stop in the hallway back to the party, i'm drunk now and i know it, my feet constantly kick the empty beer cans & bottles over, so i take a seat. the gathered musicians follow suit and before i know it, there's a freestyle jam session in play, complete with human beatboxes. i jump in, jump out and listen and sing/hum/rap along as my spirit moves me. the circle ends, there was a video. i hope to find it. i continue to dance and mingle & party and be wrapped up in the joy of the evening. it is now evident that i am drunk but never once was i unaware. i never made it back to reggay, but i'm sure i didn't miss much.
i slept like a baby that night, wrapped up in a blanket on my friend's couch. unknowing of what this move holds for my future but more motivated then ever to continue my artistic pursuits from amateur into professional. it's how i was meant to live, i now know that i am talented enough to compete and compare. to make it in this city i love, indulging in a life of art. i can't wait to leave just to come back and test the waters. this was a fabulous send off weekend as much as they could be. 

jan15

i read the writings of a friend and was reminded of brown bodies. the night of movement, when packed into a room for fellowship, i was destroyed and healed in the same day. today my affirmation read that every person dies and is reborn a million times or more in their lifetime. It states that most people do not or can not accept the inevitability of death. The fact that it will happen at some point or another. Therefore those people never change. Today I open my heart and mind to be aware that  without death there can be no change. All things will remain the same. today i remember that i have died and will continue to die each day that i continue to grow. to learn to be better than i was before.
today i finally got a reply from a person i hadn't heard from in a long time; too long of a time. my best friend, sean. the one person who since i met had always been in my corner, the one person who would always push me the right way. she always had my back until the day she was suddenly gone. i knew she was moving away to seclusion to work on her album, so it didn't surprise me when i hadn't heard from her for the initial 2-3 months. our friendship has lasted through longer periods of not being in communication. but when it approached almost 6 months, i started to get worried. and then i posted on her facebook wall and saw her communication with other friends. so i satisfied my curious green eyed monster and snooped. (word to the wise, never snoop.. it never ends well) so i snooped, and put 2 and 2 together, and understood that she was willfully ignoring me. she was intentionally avoiding my calls, visits, emails,  etc. the moment of  epiphany was earth shattering. all i could do was sit in a corner, balled up and balling like a newborn. it was the moment i truly felt alone, like i had really been abandoned because i've never had the thought of "what if she leaves me?". not as if we were a couple but in a way she has been the longest standing relationship in my life. from the moment we met, we were bonded in a friendship.15 years later, we remain friends, so to know she has finally grown fed up with me, is a wake up call to re-examine what is wrong there. i remember once i told her i loved her, and she was ever so sweet to shake it off and let me down easy. but  my love for her has never ended and never will as long as i live. i hope that one day we will clear the air between us. that we will again unite and be friends again. and knowing her, we will. i just need to give her some time.

jan17th

today was a good day, i woke up  less aloof to my feelings on this whole new circumstance of life. I have been trying to cage myself for so long. there is something relieving about being alone. now i wish i would have gotten a train ticket instead of a flight out. i know niya will be moody (to say the least) in the upcomming weeks, but i also know she just needs time to adjust. just like i will. a week going through the county rather than over it, seems like a better choice. but on the other hand, i know myself. and as much as i am trying to change, i know it is better to get to my mother as soon as possible, because i have a lot of healing to do. and only another woman  can help me.   i need her love, and her care. most of all, i know she needs mine. she needs me. i don't know how i know. other than to say i feel it inside. in my soul. i have dreams about her that rock me. i can call her at just the precise moment, she needs help. not physically being there for her is enough to make me know that me leaving to be with her is the best thing i can possibly do for myself or for my family.
hmmm.. family, so much come us with just the mention of that single word. i like many other people are tethered to feelings of the past. there is always a history with family. i am convinced the more that i live, that a family is not blood alone. and just because you're blood, doesn't always make you family. but i digress. four years ago i created my own family; with j. two like minded individuals, created life and agreed to provide any and everything that life needed or wanted by any means necessary. at least, that is how i view it now. us setting out to do this, the most complex thing in the history of mankind. the most fragile thing, most important thing. five years later it's 2012 and i am moving to las vegas with my daughter while he stays here with our son.