#332 (yoga)

At this stage in my Saturn I am embracing the many necessary changes that are needed. One aspect of my life (self) that I have been pretty bummed about for a while has been my physical appearance. Sounds superficial and vain , I know. But I was once an athlete, 5% body fat type athlete. I could play a full game of any sport, without losing my breath. Now when I walk, everything giggles, nothing is where it used to be. Over time I realize it took a bit of a toll on my self image. Slowly over time I went from having sex covered up, to only at night with the lights off, to not at all. Only because the image I saw, I didn't find sexy or appealing, or like something anyone would/could be attracted to. Again, silly thoughts I know but... All women have them. And as a part of the list of things I am aiming to change about my life to better align my spiritual & actual life, my body & self image is getting some good old TLC. Gym time 2-3 times a week, yoga as often as possible, healthier food choices, consistent meals, and eventually no more smoking cigarettes (but don't hold ya breath). All designed not to attract another but to re-attract myself. Get reacquainted with the woman I have grown into and discover exactly what her sexy is.
So.. This week was my first week at the gym. A full half hour of upper body building machines, 20 mins of ab/core work, and a 10 min cool down on the stationary bike. (Look out summer! Lol!)
I am so proud of today. I actually made it to yoga for the 2nd time in a week's time. And although I know I'll feel it tomorrow, right now my body and spirit are thanking me for making the time to honor them. They're thanking me for shutting up this ever chatty mind of mine with its worries and doubt, just to breathe. In reciprocity I thank them for not giving up on me. For growing despite my lack of a consistent diet and excersize until recently. I'm also super proud of my body's response to the recent increase in physical activity. Granted retail as a profession also equates to physical exhaustion daily, but standing on ones feet for long hours is extremely different from pushing its limits for a 30-60 minute period two to three times a week.
And I like it. I find I'm liking the hurt the following day. I'm starting to love the burn of my muscles as I dig in just a bit deeper into my breath, hold on one second longer in that pose. It feels good. I float away from class, forgetting I'm even a smoker, usually not lighting a cigarette for another 2-3 hours when the euphoric sensation starts to ware down. Overall on my attitude its a wonderful for stress reduction. As if I'm too busy to think about whatever it was that frustrated me because my body's burn occupies all the space in my mind. And when that frustration wiggles its way back in, the answer is clear and there is no more cause for the usual emotion or confusion. Its truly a glorious feeling.
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#420 (the day the earth stood still)

I sit here and sigh a sigh of relief, the weight lifted oFf my shoulders, I sigh a sigh of suffering for the painful reality of what I've done, I shigh a sigh of the pain I was the cause a sigh of longing for a lover lost I sigh a sigh of loving deeper and stronger than titanium, sigh a sigh of defeat cause even superman has a kryptonite, I sigh a sigh of sorrow full of regret, hoping for forgiveness

To be continued..
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