Today I received some of the most disapponting news of the year yet. A show that I regularly contributed to, lets call it, WoCC, let me know that for the next 3 months, they wouldn't need me to perform. They didn't want me to perform. They had already gotten something/one else.
Reading the news via text, I wad stunned. Until the next text came saying, hey if you have sitter issues, you don't have to come at all. See these next couple months, I am also House Managing this same show. I.e. I am responsible for the space while they put on their show. Which to me is something I no longer look forward to. I now dread having to sit and watch someone else do the thing that each month I would meditate and put a lot of deep thought into doing. Cause I have no idea how to watch it without bitterness in my heart, losing something that means so much to me.
Considering this change came a week before the show. It was sudden like the crash of a tsunami wave. I could see the swell happening subtly, yet failed to be able to predict it coming. It is disheartening.
Its also a reality check; A reminder from "leaders" of a community that I will never fully be accepted. Because women like me are considered in varying regards, none of which are good. Its the type of reality check that makes me wish I wasn't this freak of nature queer woman. That at some point prior in life, I would have made a decision about my sexuality one way or the other. I feel wrong to be who I am, a woman that simply loves people. I refuse to make a distinction based on body parts. Men, women, and everyone in between us nothing more then a soul wrapped in flesh. Flesh that will one day not exist, so why should I choose whom I will love based on that?
It also makes me wish people could own up to their bullshit. Stop claiming a friendship that only seems to exist when they want something from me. Stop saying how concerned and hopeful you are of me when all of your actions and words prove otherwise. Don't tell me how lovely and attractive I am yet, condemn me because a few of my former lovers are men. Don't say you believe and support my art but never attend a performance or go so far as to lie not to come. . Don't tell me how much you love children, and care for mine but can't stand to be bothered with the reality of my life. See.. Its a cancerous clusterfuck that only spreads if I let myself feel all the things it brings up. So I write it out of my system. Leave these negative feelings in this page and hopefully wake tomorrow with positive thought and love in my heart once again for WoCC.
I sometimes wonder if I brought my girl child into this environment and not my male child, if it would be better received. If because of the speratist views held by the powers that be, would they be so annoyed by the presence of a female youth. Would I still be confronted by their insecurites (for lack of better phrasing) if the cutness I cared for while balancing my monthly commitment to them was feminine and not masculine. Except that is a senario that would never happen because my daughter is not in school. She does not require me to pick her up an hour before show call. She has someone to be with her all day, everyday when I can't. So as lovely as that theory is to ponder, it is an unrealistic senario that won't ever be tested. Furthermore, my son has plenty of feminine energy. He idealizes his mother and all the other strong women that surround him. And I'm 60% sure he will grow up to be a gay man. But I'm digressing and that is another post.
This is about WoCC dropping me and how I feel about that. I must admit again, I don't feel good about it. I do not like it. And as the anger leaves my fingertips, my spirit is reminding me that I probably needed the break. That perhaps this space and the people that hold it are not my community. Maybe I am meant to form my own community. A community where people truly do accept one another regardless of their life decisions. Where support, real support is not a "friend" acknowledging your homelessness,hearing how you've been sleeping on the trains and hoping from couch to couch, having a room for rent yet saying they can't/won't rent to you because of a perceived fear of your crazy ex or the inconvenience of your children. Yet in the same breath, proclaim how they plan to procreate. As I type this out my system, my spirit is reminding me that a true friend will never tell me lies and spread gossip behind my back. She won't abandon me when I am down, and she definitely won't steer potential love interests away from me because if what she believes about me. No, my spirit reminds me that this is not my space. Regardless of how connected I feel to it, it will always take more then it gives. It will never compromise its position or beliefs. It will not conform or make room for a queer girl like me. This space will suck me dry if I let it.
This situation is a heavy one for me to process. Partly because I recently lost a long time friend that introduced me to this space. She, much like these women, held certain beliefs about me that she never cared to talk with me about. She just consulted herself and concluded that 15 years if friendship wasn't worthy of a conversation nor clarification. And that was that.
The other reason this is hitting me so heavy is because it is within the community if this space that I reclaimed my joy, found myself, and came out of a deep deep depression. Although, I wonder sometimes, if I would have done those things on my own. Without the wonderful people I have met through chance encounters.
Also, I am alone. Completely and utterly alone and as free as I am, I can't shake this lonliness that is beginning to set in. I can't change my awkwardness enough to aquire a companion that accepts me. I fear that in the pursuit of my art, I will always be alone. Maybe thats how it has to be in order for me to succeed. I'm okay without a relationship. But I would like to have sex with someone other then myself. I would like to kiss a set of lips I didn't create. I want to be held at night. I want to feel loved, if only for a night. Is that asking too much?
Lastly, my art is personal. Intensely so. Every month I push myself to create something people feel. To send out a piece of my soul. To connect with goddess spirit and be her incarnation for those 7-10 minutes that I occupy the stage. It was important to me. And it was told to me that it was important for me to do this because of who I am. Because of what I am. I am the mother of two perfectly blended children of ancient ancestry. The pieces I create represent how linked the two cultures are despite the denial of that fact. The first time I was asked to do it in September, it was a convenience sort of thing. I was surprised and humbled to be asked to continue it month after month. I finally felt a connection to something bigger then me, as if I mattered. I took pride in the creation & execution of each piece. Without it, I feel disconnected, useless, & unnecessary. Like before, as if I am in a place I don't belong and am unwelcome in.
Maybe its just me and I'm overthinking. But is it really foolish to listen and express one's feelings? I can't help but think this is it. I will never be asked back. I will be forgotten and go back to being the unappreciated dormat I felt like prior to my infintismle rise in promenance.
Maybe it's all in my head. And now thats its out, i am thankful. I am appreciative of the experience.
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
