It gave me time to consider what it is it would take for me to allow myself to be happy in this life. Beyond the generic answers of love, a good income, shelter, health, etc. This path was more specific. Like what talents do I already possess that I can develop further in order to make a living from? What do I love to do more than anything else? What can I teach myself to do? And on and on I went. I came up with a longer list than expected. I settled on the fact that photography is something I already possess a talent & eye for & love to do. Music, writing, wardrobe styling & hair styling are also among my top 10 answers. I came to a conclusion that I know a lot more that I give myself credit for. I also recognized that I know a lot less than I am comfortable with. I came to the decision that while a couple of classes and some major reading is in order, so is action. Meaning that every free moment I have should be dedicated to developing these interests into revenue streams for myself. Another thing I need to do more is self promotion.. Facebook and various other social networking sites are cool but I realize I don't have that many friends. Or rather I don't have that many friends that really care about my art like that AND I don't have enough connections to get in any place to showcase my art. I also just don't promote myself enough...
Now as I sit & write this I am dedicating myself to taking more action within my life & career path. It may does include getting a hrly wage job just to pay bills and pay for the equipment I need but its okay. This time I will not allow myself to get wrapped up in the money I'm making (or not making) because its not my career path. I won't be tied up in stress' that aren't mine. I will be using all my free time (and borrowed camera time) to shoot as much as possible to build my portfolio. I will develop enough content and clients for a portfolio site of my own. I will make a clear laid out business plan of how I want to shape my do-it-all entertainment network/company, RAW. I will continue to write everyday, as much as I can; as much as I am inspired to write. I will read up on all the things I do not know. I will continue to sneak into classes at my former college and learn for free. Basically I will do, not just think. And this time I won't stop or give up.
Love & Light
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
09.14: taking action
Today I spent some time by myself. What was meant to be me heading to a 2pm yoga class turned into me having an inspired thought to walk through my current neighborhood. (Thanks for the hold time tmobile) Inwood, my temporary adopted home. I'm only partially sad to admit I've never really explored this part of the city before. And now I'm glad I did. Walking down broadway along Fort Tyron park was so beautiful, almost like a state of meditation.
09.13: asserting independence over the past
It just occurred to me that while on the phone today, my mom said to me that "we need to have a plan because I've tried it someone else's way and it didn't work. So its time I listen to her so we can have a plan to help me get my shit together." And it struck me, this woman has listened to nothing I've said about being on vacation for the next 6 months and being an artist. Meaning that I will contribute a portion of my weekly UE to her household. While saving $ out of every check and pursuing an existence I love & am proud of. And giving J full access (& in a way control) to my financial situation. A very scary prospect but at least I'm sure it can't get much worse because my family's needs will be met.
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light
09.12: pride
My latest episodic addiction is the AMC show Mad Men. Its set in the world of an advertising form beginning in the 60's (aka the golden age of advertising). Anyway I'm a fan mostly for the fashions of the time. I love the way that a button down shirt & slacks wasn't considered "dressy", it was just normal clothing worn daily by all people.
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.
Love & Light
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.
Love & Light
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