And the beat goes...

On and on like a broken record, I replay my emotions on the 1's & 2's. The sweetest sound I hear in my day is enough to break through my barriers and bring tears to my eyes moments later. Because here I am not mommy. I can't be mommy. Not primarily. First & foremost I am MOD. Grand dame queen beast of the cupcake kingdom.
I got in trouble for being a mommy today. Not specifically but in the broader region of common sense, where all I really had to do was ask first. To double check that it was okay to take my little boy to the bathroom before I just did it. But I didn't, and I had to face the fact that i was wrong, no matter how right the instinctive reasoning. Even despite the fact that others have been doing it since I've been there, I should have thought twice. But I couldn't see myself being the mom that's a douche to her son, in public, better yet at all.

Love & Light

It's not all right but it's all real!

This year the holidays passed as nothing special. I spent my time off divided between family & friend. These days it feels like I'm in a sand storm. Blinded by the winds of change forever surrounding me, pushing me one way or the other. The hard part is seeing through the storm, to the horizon where peaceful skies rest. Sunshine awaits and speaks my name in whispers as if it is a secret I must seek out and capture. That until I find that magic place, I will only encounter pain. There is no wisdom or reason here.

In this desert I walk in alone, abandoned. J says he is here with me; if only he knew where to find me. But no one can understand, especially not him. No one can understand what it's like to be a queer woman married to man who has broken her beyond  her bounds and has taken a beating in return.  That no matter how much I have forgiven, I can not forget, my soul won't let me. No matter how much love my heart holds, my spirit is selfish, holding it all for myself, saying I need it to heal. I'd turn to him with open arms but I don't want to stab him with my contradicting dagger thoughts. So I love him the only way I know how for now.

 Few have walked the path before me and where they have stepped the wind has swept away their foot prints. There is no blueprint to follow. There are no instructions to tell me if I am right or wrong, only my spirit to guide me. My spirit, that the more I listen to it, the closer I get to her, the further I get from the world we created so many years ago.

There are no rules to this. Just a hunch to go on, a hope to hold on to. That one day all will be right. That there will be a we and not just a me. That hope is not just a tease to keep someone holding on. That hope is real and worth it. 

I am not an asshole. Not pure & simple. If anything I am an onion. Layers developed over time that bring nothing but tears when pulled back. I was never the good choice to make and I don't always make the good choices. But I am secure entering this year knowing that even though it's not all right it is all real. and for now, it's enough clarity to keep me moving forward. 

Testing

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Love & Light