Happy Anniversary

Today was my 3rd anniversary. A day most couples celebrate with equal or greater excitement then the actual day they were married. Most couples.
But I spent today alone. Working and continuing to mentally prepare for the journey ahead. Out of sentementality, I called him up for a late dinner. A last ditch effort for peace between us. Now I'm wondering why I did it in the first place. Why I would expect my tears to fall on anything but deaf ears and dirty floors.
I listened to him speak tonight about his job. Let him drone on and on, drowning out the voices around us. For a few moments it was like normal. It was a glipse of the past, yet lacking none of the present tension. At first I did well to hold it in. I wouldn't let myself close my eyes and get lost in the silky tone of his voice. I didn't let my mind wander off on fantastical flights of fancy. Hoping for a change of heart in this heartless being. I even asked him to pay for his meal. Resisting the temptation to spend what little I had on us, as if we are still a real couple. Then he walked me to the train, and as hard as I could, I asked questions I needed to know. Bad mistake. I only led myself down the path of being tormented by words so old that it was made absolutely clear exactly where he is. He is in the past. As if wrapped up in delayed anger, he  sends razor blades to still my heart. Still justifying his obvious need for total control with things I said two & three years ago.

I fall supseptable to my own curiosity once more. And while I have no idea what I want, I now know for sure that I no longer want someone who doesn't want me. I am sure that I'd rather contibue through this hell alone then hope for redemption from ny bleeding heart. I'd rather be his villan then his victim.

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

Why Forgive?

I've just began reading a book called 'why forgive'. I figure, what do I really have to lose? I've lost everything, at some point, I must lay down my arms and regroup. Restore the infrastructure of my souls queendom.
The hard part is what do you do when someone doesn't want yout forgiveness? When they feel absolutely justified in everything they have ever done? What then? How do I digest that? How do I not allow it to permeate my inner most thoughts, as to not disturb the newly aquired peace?  I'm hoping that one day when I sort through all of it, I will gain the answers to these questions.
Although, I notice that as I am forgiving, i am becoming physically lighter. It sounds silly but its real. My body feels like a layer is being peeled off, in a refreshing sort of way.  Its different. I like it. And I'm hoping that when I finally get to the core, I become so light that I float.
J§

Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez invites you to Art Love(h)er Poetic Mic Series (Repeating Event)

Hello Untitled, You are invited to the following event: Art Love(h)er Poetic Mic Series Event to be held at the following time, date, and location: Multiple Dates Plugs Media Lounge 901 Atlantic Ave New York, NY 11238 View Map Attend Event Share this event: "Art is a gift that needs to be shared" -Anonymous   Here it is folks, the forum you've been burning & yearning for!! Art Lov(h)er Poetic Series is a collaboration between Plugs Media Lounge and JeSansChez to bring artists of all genres together.... Read More Share this event on Facebook and Twitter We hope you can make it! Cheers, Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez

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Eventbrite | 651 Brannan St. Suite 110 | San Francisco, CA 94107

Tears of regret

Children are a blessing.
I'm grateful to have two.
Healthy
Smart
Beautiful
One boy
One girl
All sunshine

But to a broken heart
Children are a curse of unending torment
A constant reminder that we
Were once loved
So much
The universe granted permission for us to create them.
Leaving no love that can ever compare

J§

When is enough, enough?

I keep asking myself how long I will need to get through this emotional shitsandwich situation. Because I understand that I am responsibile for my current reality. I know that by fighting all of my common sense, i have possibly cause irrepriable damage to my family and to myself.

My knee will get better in time. Its a temporary pain. One that I can and will work through. But my heart is another story. It'd my theory that my heart is dying. The more I try to let go of the past, the less the present and future matter any more. My heart slows. It creaks and heaves like an old house. Supported only by ghosts of love and hopes of reconciliation. And the moment I let go of those things, it will cease to exist. Love will go back to being another silly fairy tale we talk ourselves into believing. An imaginary delight not a realistic possibility in my lifetime.
I feel it already begining. The return to a jaded abyss. The place where cynicism is the official language. Numbness is the every day forcast. I feel it happening and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

And there lies the source of the problem. Him. The one person i really truly allowed myself to fully love. The one I married because I couldn't imagine life without him. The only person I ever believed could/did accept me flaws and all. As much as he tries to convince me of how horrible I was to him, I can't see it. Maybe because its me analyzing myself. Maybe because he's making mountains out of molehills. I know comparitively there is no contest. I don't hold a candle to his inferno of hurtful actions and manipulation against me over the past 5 years. Yet even asbhe continues, I still want to fight for us. Fight against his psychology that there is no repairing the damage done. I don't believe that. Because thats not what marriage is. Thats not the vow I took. Thats not who I am. And I'm not  able to move on to some next person and start life over again with them. Thats not the deal I signed on for. I wish he knew that. I wish he believed it too. I wish we weren't so comfortable in perpetuating these barbed wired cycles of broken homes and hearts. I want better foe our children. So why can't we give it to them?
J§

Lesson time!

Dear Saturn,
Its been a long while since i've written. For no good reason i have been keeping myself silent.  For more then a month,  i have remained silent. And for what? There's no progress in that.  Atleast not for someone who is a writer. I have used  writing all my life to get through things, so why should i stop now? Does it matter that much what someone else thinks? If someone in my life feels the need to begin arguments and berate/belittle me for every word i've ever written, should it make a difference? If it means i muffle my own expression, is it really the right choice to make? The answer to these questions is what brought me back to writing.
As this chapter of my life ends, all i feel is pain. In every conceivablr way, from emotionally to physically, i feel pain. My spirit feels as if it is on fire. Ablaze in flames that can only be quashed with blood & tears. Before i reach my 30th year, i am sure i will have shed a bit of both. Despite all the positive energy i can muster, i know this as a fact. I am finally okay with that.
Last week i found the pleasure in the pain. I learned that i can take it, no matter how bad it gets. I can take it. I will take it because at the end of this whole thing, i will shine. I will have become the spiritual equivalent of a diamond. I will be too strong to ever break again. My enemies and those who see me as theirs, will be exposed as fools when they come against me with their hate filled actions.
I will not deter from my purpose. In this last year of my 20's, i have learned my purpose. Its the reason behind choosing to follow my bliss and not be controlled by what debts we have. They will be there. What won't be there is another chance to see my children at the beginnnings of who they are becomming. I am so so happy that now when i go to PTC's or talk on the phone to his teachers, i actually have input of value to offer. I'm not having to try to not look lost when talking about my own children. I know them and they know me. I have time to spend with them, not be dozing off between yellings. I laugh, play, and read with them. I get to enjoy my children; every single day i am apart of their day.
I am renewing my personal commitment  to not miss one day. Even if its just for a 15 min visit, i need to be apart of their every day. The thing i am greatful for, is that they are now both old enough to know that i don't want to leave. I am accepting of this situation but by no means satisfied with it. It is what it is until it isn't any more. This work will pay off; so i continue to do it.
Love & Light,
J§

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

I'm s hobbling around on this crutch. Baby father is acting like a (insert adjective of choice here).  Job is picking up (so happily i won't be camera-less much longer). And my next show is right around the corner. As well as the need to finish pieces for an upcoming gallery show i'm features in. Not to mention, the holidays coming up.  Whooo!

Just writing that paragraph made my brain freak out just a bit. It seems my Saturn is a jokester. The better my professional life, the worse my personal life. I came to this conclusion after deep reflection on the first half of my saturn. Now that i am exactly 29 & 1/2 years old, i am at the turning point. That place where you can see where you went wrong by refusing to accept the reality of the your Saturn's lessons.

Earlier this year, i was ready to not be with J for a while, but i realize i didn't equate it with divorce because from the outlook of a marriage, this was just one of those bad times we go through. Something we would get through. But i was wrong. Like so many other times i had hope, i was wrong. We're getting divorced. For real. At first i was upset, so furious over the culmination of crap happening simulatneously that i lashed out in anger. I was losing the only stability in my life, the one person/relationship i could depend on, losing my family, lost my money maker, lost my home, and temporarily the use of my leg. Instead of allowing myself to begin the healing process, i just dug into the wound. Caused more pain on top of it, only to end up hurting myself again. And now he's trying to use that hurt against me by suing for full custody of our children, only allowing me supervised visitation rights. As if it is a necessary action. He defends it like a constitutional right. As if without this ridiculousness I'd ever be callous enough to keep our kids from him. Why would I relive history when my purpose is to rewrite it?
J§

Another day, another penny

So again, I am waking up to loneliness. After a year, you'd think I was used to it. But I'm not. I feel it eating me alive, like mold. Corrupting what's left of the heart I have. It's probably why I'd prefer to die. 

I realize this morning that my longing for death has less to do with my loss and pain but more to do with this feeling of worthlessness I have. A feeling that only continues to grow the longer I breathe. The more days I awaken and I'm still consumed by loneliness. He can be satisfied by this. It's not his fault. It is my own. And so I count the days until I am able to leave them in peace, never to be bothered by me and my presence again. When he sees that I wasn't just talk. He can be happy/proud that I finally did something I said I would do. 

Why cry? Just kill yourself..

This summer has been the best summer of my life. I put on my first show at wow, I began what seemed like a promising partnership with a Harlem based apparel company, I finally had time for my kids and work every day, i was seeing an intelligent beautiful woman, and my husband and I were seeming to make strides in our long flawed relationship. So how can all this good be bad? 

I was happy. Finally happy in what I did, who I was with, how much I was making, and where I was spending my time. And then September came. My husband stopped talking to me as much, not something new. So it was easy for me not to notice when he shut down completely. As it stood I barely saw him anyway, with my budding career, his ongoing love affair with his business, and kids, who would notice an extended quiet treatment? I didn't. Just like I didn't notice his happiness that I thought came from us, our family. It didn't. I now know it came from a woman he had met through a business acquaintances at Afropunk, the weekend of my show. The show he was not to busy to help me prepare to put on, but was too busy to come see. The show he later told me was a waste of money because it didn't do as well as I'd hoped it would. Meanwhile in Brooklyn, he was taking in the sounds of some of my favorite musicians while also meeting a new woman. Someone who at 24, has her whole life figured out and is well on her way to being a somebody. Unlike his wife who is well on her way to whogivesafuck. They've been talking ever since. They speak every night, every day have lunch together. She's met my kids 4 times. He has taken them on 4 dates together. From the moment he met her, his best friend and business partner has been encouraging him to audition her for his new wife. And he has. He has lied raking the day to spend with her. lying about being at work when he's really with her. Laughing at me with his friend. Fucking me because I'm his wife and I want it but telling her that nothing is going on between us. And when I tell her the truth, he tells her I'm lying. And she believes it. It almost makes me wish I had a disease to give to his lying ass, just so she could catch something from me and know that I'm not lying. I just love him and want him. And if he's going to kiss me and our kids with her pussy on his breath, the least he could do is be honest about it. Do me a favor and file the divorce, stop sleeping with me, stop telling me how I deserve better because if I did why didn't he give it to me? Why marry someone just to divorce them? Why put me through nights and nights of endless scrutiny just to leave me. His friends hype him up, making him believe he is so right in everything. As of I've never been a good woman for or to him. They like to believe they know everything. Because he's so fucking honest. That he is always right. That I am some type of villain that just happened to have his babies. They, like him, know very little of how I feel. Like how any time I have cried he's told me to shut the fuck up. Not hold me, not comfort me. Just tell me to shut the fuck up. Like how I begged and begged and begged time and again for him to invest some time in us, in his family: but he was always too busy. It how for over a year I worked two jobs so he could stay home build his businesses and his health but can he stand by me the same way?

 What's really funny is that I don't want a divorce. I don't even care whether he had a girlfriend. I just wanted honesty. I just wanted time with my husband. But things are funny, I spend years taking care if him and coincidently when he is healthy he finds a girl that's younger to develop with. Suddenly now that he has money of his own, he's got time for everyone but the wife who worked her ass off for him and our family. Six women before her and now her. All together he's been cheating for a year and a half, I was just too stupid to know it. I'm even stupider to still love and want him. To still hope for a family with him because i didn't plan on raising our kids with anyone else. I'm so stupid that I've already tried to kill myself because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with him and stupider still because I still can see a future without him in it. Stupid because I'd rather die then be without him. Stupid because I allowed him to takeeverything from   me and still want to give him the remnants I have left.  For that I can't really blame him, it's not his fault i'm this stupid. I was never taught that its ok to love myself. It took his hands being wrapped around my neck for me to begin to even learn how to do that. But I abandoned it in the hope of a family with the person I love. I cheated and lied and hoped we had moved on when he said her forgave me but I was wrong and still I clung to him hoping for love. We sat up night after night never making any sense and sometimes making progress but I did it every night because it was for the faith I had our love. 

And now my kids confuse mommy with Ollyssa, they want her to have his next baby and say shit like this to me daily. Yet I am not supposed to be mad at her. Because I can't be mad at him because I love  him too much. And everything I have done  has never been enough. I recently dislocated my knee and spent the day is overwhelming pain while still doing mommy stuff. The plan was to go to the hospital that night. Instead I went to the hospital. Alone. I sat being harassed by a crazy man, alone. Went through horrendous pain of a needle in my kneecap alone. Yet there he was popping in at 3am to see how I was and I couldn't be more elated in my morphine haze because for just that moment, he seemed to care. He seemed to care. The very next morning I was back to not existing because I talk too damn much when I pointed out the suspiciousness of his grandmothers hospitality considering I know she hates me. Just the night before she couldn't wait for me to leave her house, knowing I had no place to go, yet suddenly she welcomes me with open arms because I'm injured? Come on. But as always I'm to blame in this scenario and don't exist for the remainder of the day. I've been so lonely for so long. So alone for so long, I can't even say. Yet I still lied just to see if he'd believe it. Telling him i had slept with someone I hadn't been with for a year. And he ate it up. That's when I knew, he had completely stopped paying any attention at all. 

There is no point to this post. I'm just a lonely, bitter, broken girl who never knew how to love herself. So how could I love anyone else? And why should anyone else love me? When I'm dead and gone I guess I'll know the reason for all of this pain. My father says faith through the had time will bring me an unforeseen reward. My question is, when will my hard time end? And what could possibly be my reward? losing my family? losing what was left of my heart? losing myself? no thanks, i'd rather lose my life. i'm already my husbands side chick/charity case. Every time I think things are getting better, they're really getting worse. I'm just the butt of a never ending joke. Like cosmic quicksand. 

Now that I know how to be successful at death, why cry anymore? Why shouldn't I just kill myself? 

strength/light/love Forming a diamond, muses on life,

my mother says i am strong,
so i gave it to my daughter,
when i wrapped her in my arms
to assure her that i love her.
her four syllable phrases,
resonate responses i don't want her to see
i cant let her see me weak
not again
never again
i won't teach her to be that kind of woman


There are so many days that i wish I could take back and be a "better" mother. But today I recognize three things about myself that no one can convince me different on. 1. I am a queer woman of color. I am different than most and I am okay with that because this is exactly the way the goddess made me. I love it and accept it. I am not evil or wrong because of it. And anyone that chose to ignore this fact, was only making an ass out of themselves to begin with. 2. I am meant to perform. It's in my blood. I was blessed with more talent than I  have ever had the courage to express nor the permission to explore. I will not be detoured to the life I want to create for my family and myself. 3. I AM A KICK ASS MOM and there isn't a person on this planet that can tell me different. I am only such because of my partner. He is the village. While I am relieved to be free of our toxic relationship, I miss him. His companionship. The feeling that you get when you are around a person that you can sit/stand/lay in silence with. An at home feeling.

writer's block

I realize, its been a while since we've talked in a  language few ever get to speak.. in breaths and heartbeats,
it began the day we forgot how to read/situations between lines, tangled bodies lay intwined
under sheets of stars in eye sight
i spy
with my third eye/ endless horizons of you
 ___________________________________________________________________________________

I know why I can't write.. Its because I am afraid.. And I should be creating earrings right now.. I pray that this order isn't a fluke or scam..
I came back to him leaving, walking out the door without a good bye..  the outside air brought peace
definitely time for another shower
glad i didn't run away
at peace with dobeedo & teacher

Never draw a line in the sand...

"You should stop drawing lines in the sand, the ocean will wash it away and make you forget your place" -JSansChez


Its late. I'm sitting in  my husbands house, the house I formerly shared with him, our kids and his family. I want to cry like I have every night for the last week but I can't. I won't. Not here, not now. Not in this place where so many of my tears have already been shed. Occasionally I look over my shoulder, watching ghosts replay the past.

Today while drying off my 3 year old daughter, she tells me that she doesn't like me.  She goes on to tell me that she doesn't want me here. When I ask her why she says "because you hurt daddy's feelings" Because I hurt daddy's feelings... I had to fight the anger inside of me at that moment in time. Realizing that this 3 year old child has no clue as to what has transpired between her father and I. He view is completely distorted by the words he tells her. His version, which in my opinion, is way too adult for her toddler mind. She may have seen him crying. And my heart bleeds if she did. But I get frustrated at how he has began physical altercations in front of her and she sees it as me hurting him. I fear that she will be raised to accept violence and victimization in her relationships in the future because despite what we go through, in her eyes I am the perpetrator. I am wrong. Because in her fathers eyes, I am wrong.

It makes me really think about what I am holding on to.  I think about what I am passing on. Or rather, allowing to be passed on to my children. Particularly my daughter. She will one day grow up to be a black woman. Societal assumptions aside, she's got a lot to fight against. Where will she end up if she already believes she would be wrong for standing up for herself. For exiting a toxic relationship for the salvation of her soul, she'll be wrong. Will she learn the tradition of repression or the custom of expression in her life?  I can only look to myself for these answers. The answers lie in the lessons I am teaching. And since I do not have the privilege  of living with them, I don't know how to be effective in what i teach them. Aside from quitting my job and being with them 24/7. An obscene thought to my independent,driven mind. Not that I couldn't be a stay at home mom, I'm just not built for that mentally. It drives me insane, when I have nothing to contribute to the income & welfare of my household.. Its not who I am.Not that I am incapable of doing domestic tasks, but I recognize the fact that I was raised to be apart of a team, not a single parent. Not a dormat, subordinate, or homebody. I was taught to be ambitious, to go after what i want and to get it. I wish for my daughter to be instilled with the same gusto. I hope she gets my lust and passion for life. I hope she knows her worth, always.

Its nights like these when I get mad at my heart. For wanting a man that is so confusing.. That demands I take responsibility for words while he takes no responsibility for his actions. It confounds me how he can say I don't want to be a mother to my children when he's the one that put me in the position I'm in at the moment. Walking away from him shouldn't have meant I had to walk away from them. I'm all for talking to children as if they are older, it gives them a sense of maturity. It helps them to understand whats going on. But some things shouldn't be said. Speaking to children and saying things like "mommy has to decide what she wants", it makes them think I don't want them. And that is/was never the case. Post-partum aside, my kids are the single greatest accomplishment of my life. They are the only think I have done right, the only people I strive to do right by always. They are the first and last thought on my mind. I break my neck to give them as much time as I can while trying to balance work, a flourishing art career, and womanhood. And they think I don't want to be with them and it breaks my heart.

There's an old saying that goes "never let the kids know mommy & daddy are fighting". Its the only thing I have ever truly tried to avoid. But its hard when your partner is so hot blooded. And me being reactionary,  I fight so hard not to feed into it every time. Lately I've been getting better at taking a breath and stepping away from arguments. Retreating to the idea that there is humanity in him. That there is hope in us. Not in our marriage but in us. Two adults that communicate honestly and openly, that raise their children with love and respect. I don't see why we have to revert to this passive aggressive life of silent hostility because our marriage isn't working. Why all the lies on top of lies on top of lies, just to lay them all at my feet and call it my shit.  At this point, does it even matter?

I won't lie, this hurts. To hear someone who you've loved for so long speak in monotoned apathy, as if you are a stranger. It hurts. It hurts so much to have to let go of the hope I held for so long.  I had hoped that in our year apart he would take the same journey I was on. That he would've let me go sooner. Not because I wasn't coming back, but because I just needed room to fly. As much as we argue about the past being repeated, I always find it funny that he never notices that no matter what, I always come home.

I could go on typing for days but I'm realizing that all this is just meant for me to learn my worth, my wants & my needs. I love him, I want him but it's taken me too long to become comfortable in my own skin. To allow myself to live in truth & visibility. And I won't hide any longer. I won't be silent but I will go quietly. It may be years until we ever become friends again. My only hope now is that we can eventually cohabitate the same space at the same time in peace & love.

Heat & death

Its only 10am, and the tempature is already at 84°. Add in the humidity and it feels 10 degrees hotter. Despite going to sleep (nap) with a great disposition, I woke up late and i'm in a funky mood all because its a funeral involved.
I spent about 20 minutes in bed, eyes half open wondering why I felt the need to go to,this funeral today. If we are still obligated to our family, even when that family doesn't really know us. The person who died was my 2nd cousin, a familiar face around,the house in my childhood that us children called cousin/uncle irving. I remember as a littke girl he'd always come by with his kangol hats on, no mattet the weather, dressed in a suit. The most casual I can ever remember him being was a pair of slacks & a short sleeved button up shirt, shoes & kangol to match. He'd always slip my brother and I a couple dollars for candy or ice creams as he'd make his way down to my grandfathers office. For most if my life, I didn't know what he did. He was just like a mysterious realtive I was told to respect.
Growing up in,the 80's, children were seen and not heard. Seperated from everyone during family functions. There was no time evet, in which a curious child like myself could possibly as questions. that never bothered me, not until it directly impacted my life. As it turns out Irving had served as a tax assessor & consultant. To my family, he was their financial advisor of sorts. To this day the details are skewed to me. Not that it matters anymore, nor do I even still care.
When my grandpa died, he left Irving to care for his estate, which included the two houses we owned, my grandmother, brother & I. I still don t know how but somehow one of those house came into his possession without my grandmother receiving a dime. Then the house of my childhood was sold for way under market value because of a stipulation in my grans will.  End if the day, we all felt jipped. There were other transgressions in my,childhood but those stood the test of time as far as how I arrived at this feeling of ambivilance over his death.
but here's the best part, while standing in the church today, the first time in over a year, I recalled every hymn & prayer from my episcopal upbringing, without even looking at a book. I took communion and felt myself release the risidual anger I've held on to for my entire adolesence. I refuse to continue carrying this into my adulthood, I realized its not worth it. I forgave him. because I am not the child that doesn't know anything at all, its okay to grow up & move on. being resentful, holding on to that pain & anger, only caused me to stay stuck in a barbed wire cycle of self imposed victimization. And I am no longer a victim of my past, of circumstance, anymore.  I have grown into a strong willed, focused, intelligent, sexy, creative, loving, compassionate mother, woman, & friend. I have a family of my own now and my story doesn't have to,be,retold by my children. N

Staving off the lonelies..

My husband and I have been living separately a little over a year and a half now, and i'm just becomming lonely. Not all the time, but sometimes, I get lonely.
Being alone constantly has definitely given me opportunity to develop as an artist. It has been refreshing to not,be kicked in the back/sides/legs/torso while asleep, but it has also become harder to sleep without those little feet. Without god night hugs & kisses, its been rough. At my core, I miss the arms of my little buggers holdung

Everybody plays the fool (sometimes baby)

There is no exception to the rule, so the song goes. i'm finding the same truth in life . Tonight I had a fantastic night and still went home alone. I know it was purposeful because i'd prefer to sleep with people that I also like while sober. I see that my truth is that when I go to party, I really just go to dance. Not pick up anybody. My bitch (beast aka cannon rebel) protects me from entering into situations I would later regret. Like that ackward moment when you try to figure out a way to excuse your companion from your space. I want a person that I can wake up to. That causes me to not think about the cigarette I want to smoke first thing in the morning. 
Besides these parties provide me with all the imagination I need when I get home to have a wonderful orgasm. And really,thats all a girl every really needs. Two fingers and a great imagibation. !

Happy PRIDE ya'll!

twisted sister of faith & hope

Today is another day where all I can do is smile and be happy. Walk closer to the light then the dark. In my sleep I realized I can't wait to wake up because I am living my dream of a peace filled life. I am calm inside, there are no more fires raging, baking me from the inside. I am filled with a different feeling. not worry, not doubt, no frustration. i have no name for this feeling because I've never felt it before in my life. I've never been overwhelmed by it. So full of it that I am confident no matter what happens. I will not worry about how I will pay by rent or where I will live next month. Not that I know those things or have a plan better then the one I am working. I am just calm, no matter what I do. There are times when I think I may regress, be angry and spiteful all the time, destroying everything around me with my flames. But I don't. My fire remains lit, yet still, not raging uncontrollably. A beacon.

What makes me so happy? The fact that I am living my truth. I am surrounded by people who only want the good from and for me. They pass back encouragement, support, advice & opportunity. I find it easier to give those same things back. It's what I want to do. None of them are trying to harm me. And I have no want to harm any of them. I am surrounded by love. Maybe it's the nostalgia of being back in my home, NYC. Maybe it's a renewed sense of being from having 3.5 months to rest and think.

I thought about beginning meditation soon. i think it will help. One thing that will definitely happen is more yoga. It's an impossibility for me to have any excuse as to why I can't make it to one single yoga class, when I live doors down. Hopefully it will become practice. Whatever this path is, I am enjoying it more and more. I am loving the feeling of following my gut. I love the butterflies in my stomach. I love being afraid of what i am doing, and I love not knowing what i am doing. Learning as I go. That's what it's all about right? Learning so we can grow? Manifest our unconscious lives into our conscious ones? Smile, love, laugh, live? Whatever it is about, I think I've found the key.

It's like  that old cliche, walk by faith not by sight. As if this is what it feels like to have faith. Maybe that's what it is. Some good ol' faith with a sprinkle of hope, a side of dreams, and a glass of passion. I finally have most of the tools I need to be a photographer. I am hitting my stride as a mother. Learning as a woman how to balance the needs of my children with the needs of my husband and myself.

I am creating as an artist. yesterday for the first time I took advantage of being alone at Wow. I stepped out into the quiet of the stage and sang whatever came to mind. I said whatever came to mind. I recorded it, and as I go through my day, i listen to it and tweek it. I will continue to check the calendar and grab an hour here and there whenever I have the free time. Within time, I'll have something concrete to put on. My baby will be developed and ready for the world.

I aim to pick up my son from school every day. If also possible, i try to get there early enough to drop him off as well. I am getting better at being there more. Teaching myself to get into their schedule. It's hard when you want to work in time to look for a job, and create. But I'm learning. I talk to Soul all the time, we try to see each other every day. Talking, walking, spending time any way we can. Dating again, and it's nice. Having family days/times. slowly we are getting better. Individually we are growing together. Like those trees with twisted bark. It's beautiful.

Scared to sacred

What i really want to say is I that i am happy. Or rather I feel my happiness materializing. I just have to keep pushing forward. Doubt is trying to creep into my mind and make me stress. Break me down to a scared little girl . What doubt doesn't know is that I am fueled by the fear.
I realized I ran to Vegas because the time was approaching that i stand up and be accountable for all the shit I talk. I ran because i was afraid I wouldn't be good enough. I was afraid people would not like me for my life choice. I would be ridiculed, I would be booed, misunderstood, or laughed off the stage. At the time what I failed to realize is that, it's a process. No one is born great. Every person that came before me had to create themselves. They weren't born knowing or being perfect in their area. And if they were an activist or rebel with a cause the course was even harder. No one likes a rabble rouser, except of course, other rabble rousers.
The first day I felt alive in a long time was when I went skydiving. Seeing the world from that perspective gave me a new outlook. Realizing how small I really am, how quickly life passes, how defeating it is to live a lie or stress about things we have no control over. When I jumped, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i only get when i am scared shit less. And I want that feeling everyday of my life. In everything that i do. Because I'm learning that life is way more awesome living that feeling. You accomplish so much more, learn so much more following that feeling. So I now seek to do the things that scare me. For they are the things that push me. They are the things that will help me surrender to the truth.

The Stories We Tell (05.18.12)

today i lied, like really lied for the first time in a long time. i won't say what the lie was but it wasn't to anyone i actually knew. it was to a group of strangers. and it felt wrong when i said it but i couldn't stop myself. and then i continued on with the lie and it felt worse. to the point where i was sitting alone in the street sobbing simply because i knew i was lying and i could not turn back to to truth...

so why say anything now? maybe it's the act of anonymously unburdening my soul. even though it was a little lie, it was big enough to get a lot of attention from passersby in the street tonight. it put me in a position where i looked stupid and foolish. i looked like a jackass. there was no good reason for doing what i did, without giving it away. so i will say there was a good reason but i probably could have went about it another way.  i didn't have to lie, i could've told the truth, which would have left me stuck and i didn't want to be stuck tonight. i didn't want to be a lot of things, but here i am the embodiment of them all with smudgy makeup and a stuffy nose. tear trails down my cheeks and not a soul that cares but me.

lesson learned universe, no more lies.

The Wall (05.17.12)

There's this place that runners call "the wall." its different for everyone. some people get to the wall after a mile, or two, or more, or less. when riding my bike around henderson, where my mom lives, i would reach my wall after and hour of biking. always on my way home from the library. i would only be about a half mile away at the bottom of an incredibly steep hill, i could walk the rest of the way but it always hurt more. at times i would stop, catch my breath, and then continue on forward but slowly.

today i have reached the first wall of many more to come. being back in the city, after some time,  initially can cause a shock to the system. i've been running around all week, walking, climbing steps, running for busses & trains. i came home today because of an allergic reaction i was having to some food. after i took my allergy meds, i fell out. now that i am awake my body is aching in ways i have forgotten about. i feel the need to stop and rest. but then i remember i haven't seen my kids in two days. my husband is suffering from terrible pain in his knees. i lost my metrocard, so i will have to walk the 1.3 miles to their house. it's a tough decision to make, to climb the wall. get over it to the other side triumphant and continue forward.

my problem is motivation. my body doesn't won't cooperate and rationalize it to move for that long. after that nap, i'm still drowsy from the medication. getting to the bathroom was a chore that required a lot of wall support. but then i think about them and how they haven't seen me in two days. i think about how he needs me...

and i realize its that rationale that got me in this position in the first place. choosing the needs of other ahead of the needs of myself. its a small thing, a small thing that once turned into a big thing. does making the choice of me over him/them make me selfish? or does it show i've learned from my mistakes? had this been last year at this time, i would rush over to be there and do whatever needs to get done. i wouldn't be listening to my body when it tells me "REST!!!!!!" I would just be listening to my heart, telling me how much i miss them. and i would go.

so today my choice is to take the rest i need. return to them at full strength, ready, willing and able to be great for them.

Passion, commitment.. And the age old questiom of "what are you going to do with your life?"

I don't know how many people come across this little blog of mine. I know even less of how many people actually read it. Neither is of any importance to me. Don't get me wrong, I love you for reading my words. For coming back every now and again to indulge in my progression. I even love those people who stmble across it by accident and read out of sheer boredom. What i'm meaning to say is I don't write for you or for anyone but me. it is my healthy release of the torments that plague me. internally to some extent, i know someone else out there in the world is going through something similar. so i share my lessons and hopefully help them while helping myself.
i'm about half way through my Saturn's Return. Since learning of it and what it meant for me, I've been making some changes and major life defining decisions. One major one being that I am a multi discipline artist. Not for the money but for the love of it, it's healing, it's provocation to social change. I love to write, to paint, to make things, to design, to sing, to perform. I live for it. The many incarnations of artistry is my passion, outside of parenthood, it is art that keeps me sane. I am also discovering that inside of me lives an activist. I've never been a person that could keep my mouth shut when I see something wrong going on. I couldn't keep the secrets that cause others to hurt. Art allows me to express my opinion of the world and make it question itself.
I came to this epiphany several days before leaving my NY home. As I sat in the LES on the sidewalk in the pouring rain crying at the acceptance of the fact that I would have to cancel a show I was in the process of creating. Not because I was homeless or jobless (situations I have faced and conquered before) but because I didnt have the support of my co-creators. While I loved their concern for my "basic needs", I couldn't stomach the lack of belief in me and my abilities. Really it was just the one who,didn't believe. The other I took no fault with, he had legitimate concerns for the creative process and quality of the outcome. But the other is a long time friend. If anyone knows my hustle, I thought, she would. It wasn't until later in the night, curled up on a friemd's couch that i remembered that just because I had to postpone the show, doesn't mean I have to stop creating it. It doesn't mean that I must stop in any way. It just means that right now was not the time for it to be shown.  I must take a pause, perhaps to work out those spots I wasn't quite clear or sure about until my creation is ready to live. It takes 9 months for children to form and be ready to meet the world. One day or month too soon and their survival rate drops, so it is with art. If we rush to get it all out without allowing time for our creation to develop the strength to stand on it's own, we may fall short.  And that is okay. I can live with that.
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Doing It Myself

Not so recently ago, I decided I was done with trying to conform to the standards of beauty set out for black women in this society and embrace my natural hair. after a fantasic gift of homemade flaxseed gel from my home girl P (thekitchensalon.blogspot.com), I allowed my fade to continue to grow out past its fledgling afro stage instead of getting another hair cut. Now i'm on a journey to get a Pam Grier fro.
So now that im stuck in Vegas, with no money to call my own, I have the opportunity to dive into creating my own recipies for hair care. Today's challenge is conditioning. I visited many a website advising what the best ingredients are for DIY conditioners. I made some substitutions since I dont have any essential oils to work with. Here's the recipe:
Approx half cup water to a boil, 3 vitamin c tabs, 3 vitamin d tabs, 2 vitamin b1 tabs, 2 teaspoons lemon juic or extract, 2 mashed garlic cloves, teaspoon olive oil, the oil from 5 fish oil caplets, and two teaspoons honey. Combine all ingredients into a pot and bring to a boil. Then in a bowl whisk strained boiling contents into 4 tablespoons of mayonaise. Add mixture to a smooth (not thin) consistancy. If it begins to be too thin, add more mayonaise to thicken into a paste like consistancy. Cover hair entirely after shampooing.
At this point let it sit on your hair for at least 10 minutes. You can comb it through with a detangling comb if you choose (i prefer to comb through after washing).
Important note: when washing out the conditioner, make sure to thoroughly wash hair. I reccommend at least 7 minutes under mildly hot water to help melt out whatever you fail to scrub out.
After washing, I combed through my hair with a detaingling spray (also homemade). I gotta admit, I kinda cheated on the spray. I combined a cup of boiling hot water with 1/4 cup of suave lavender conditioner and half a cup of melted shea butter. My hair dries quickly, so this was really wonderfully helpful when combing through my sectioned hair.
Is there any difference?
I will say yes. Immediately after washing, I noticed a definite shine that I didnt have before. My curls were well defined and soft. Aside from the dryness, it was a nice switch from the norm. I aslo reccommend that you wash you hair out during a shower because wearning a shirt that smells like mayo is no bueno.
Good luck to you on your natural hair adventures!
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Setteled in

Today im finally completely unpacked and settled in to my temporary home away from home. My mom's spacious two bedroom house in henderson, nv. About a 15 minute drive from las vegas. Except I dont feel at home, I dont feel very much... It is easier that way. I dont curl up in a ball and cry my afternoons away. Instead I write, I draw, I look for things to amass to paint. I try to get through it so my daughter can be strong. So she doesnt see her mother as a hot mess. She can. Better adapt, I hope. Its my hope that she will, sooner than later, get accustomed to not seeing her brother and father everyday.
I know one thing is for sure, this will not be permenant unless we are all here. Its unfair to them, that they must suffer because their parents cant see, to get it together. And even when we, or better yet I, get it together, why should they remain apart. Its one thing for me to not be there, but to break a bond so deep has been hurting my heart since we concieved the plan.
During an evening walk with my daughter today, she began crying spontaneously. the one moment I dispise, happens daily, and all I can offer for comfort is a promise I hope I can keep.

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Last night in NYC

For my final day in new york city, this has been the best. Upon waking uo bright & early at the crack of 10a, I gathered my belongings from my resident couch in my friend's apartment, and returned to the place I used to call home. the door opens to the bright, shining face of my little girl as she runs to me with open arms. We play until lunch and then I began the process of repacking our lives into two suitcases and two carry on bags. Its an all day process that lasts until 10p, with breaks for picking up K from school, having dinner with my family, homework & bath time. I even found time to braid up Niya's wild fro into a neat braided style. At bedtime, she was so tired from fighting that she went straight to sleep. But not K, he stayed up as late as he could, holding me as I cried in his arms, making jokes, getting me to laugh. I laid and cried with my boys wrapped in my arms as long as I could. Until I felt the crippling weight of what tomorrow was to bring. Separation. Being split across the country. So I left. Went to my place of solace. Freestyle mondays at 116.
I could think of no better way to spend my last night then to rock out on a mic in a room full of emcees. To be surrounded in a community of music and lifted spirits. It was whilst standing on the line to spit that u was able to consider the bright side in this situation. That I would have true and absolute freedom, like righy now. This moment in time. So the band swaps, songs get played, emcees get slayed and others just give up. I recognize that I am becomming an emcee. Like it or not, hip hop has always made my heart beat. It may not be my main goal but it is within me to do. Its why I write, why I drive myself mad with perfecting prose, and constantly imaging new verse. Art, music, photography.. Thats what I am about. I am not a time clock puncher. I am a free creative thinker & dooer.
the night ends, and contact info is exchanged, I am sADDENED once again. "what do you want to do on your last night" is the question being raised repeatedly over falaffel. I can only say I want to walk. At first there are three of us. Until Grey gives up, heads west to our east. Dy and I head east at my lead. Through my high school stomping grounds of Grammercy Park, down to my adult prefential hang outs of the east village & LES. And we talk, endlessly. It is a perfect winter weather for saying goodbye to my lover with a moonlit stroll. From LES over the Williamsburg bridge, to my heart & home, Brooklyn. A walk that only took 3.5 hours. Dy is amazed, and must now swipe me on the train, and get straight to work. I look out riding the j, seeing all the spots we didnt hit, all the places I forgot about. I whisper a another goodbye to new york, my long time lover. Until we meet again.

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Last night

$3 to enter
strip down, stockings or less
I wanna see you naked
Night shirt and (red)panties
Happy birthday chris,
im psychic since I guessed right
straight to the dance floor when Micheal's on
Naked women on the walls
Pimp robes lined in cheatah
Smoking jacket for red leader 4
Art everywhere,
community
$2 shots of whisky
J's @thebar
Put a dolla in her titty if you like the service
Showtime!
they rock
We roll
Smile for the camera
Flashes flashes every where
Flash those below
ascending the stairs
Lines at the bathroom,
always lines
company passes the time
She's from sacremento,
They're from san francisco
Sydney in the house
retrieving friends is a 2 man job
Drunken walk of pride
Stop kicking things over
Seated jam circle/session
Live freestyle in the hallway
Send me the video
Dont disturb the neighbors
basement smoke &
mirrors the 80's
Or 90's maybe
Time to hit the road
Late night tacos
& waffle fries
Pass that once more
This couch is occupied
Slept like a baby
Last night.

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countdown weekend

this weekend has been the most spiritually fulfilling experience yet. Friday night, I sat in on a casting session, then had a great dinner. the kind of dinner that makes you forget that there people who were invited but didn't show. it didn't matter because the company i was in was fantastic at keeping me entertained and thinking. We ate sushi and drank out way into a $200 bill (even with everything being 50% off) until the restaurant closed at 1am. Frolicking through the city in search of more drinks, adventure, a dance floor to let loose on. It was a good night with good friends and some new ones.
saturday it snowed. while most people would frown, (and as much as i dislike the cold/snow) i am a huge secret fan of snow. the way it blankets all the flaws of this city, creating a picturesque scenery. the mild chill becomes something i can stand especially when i look over and see the joy my kids have in what nature has provided for them to play in. a walk to the train seemed frustrating until i just enjoyed the fact that they were completely satisfied playing in the snow, 6 feet from their home. that although, the plan i set for the day was centered around them and other people's desire to see them (and vice versa); plans are meant to be fluid. we eventually made it to the brooklyn children's museum, where long time friends (family really) led my children through the exhibits and indulged themselves in being kids for an afternoon. it was a day of laughs and love. even when my rambunctious son tripped and hit his head on an exhibit. after about 30 minutes of rest with an ice pack, he was right back up, ready to conquer (or destroy) the world. we ate our pizza on the train since it was the only place with seats. i held them for a time, relishing in the day's events. enjoying the calm of being in their presence. the peace of being surrounded by family.
and then came saturday night, an unexpected awesomeness of art. the plan was to go to reggay and find some pyt to whine up with... that was until i was invited to see a friend's band perform at a lingerie themed birthday party. both parties were in williamsburg, so i figure 2 birds, one stone. i'm gonna do it! so after a solitary dinner, some cheap shots at continental, and a short search for an outlet to charge my phone, i caught (by luck) the last L train to brooklyn. the walk to public assembly is short. so i glide in looking for this party. i peak my head in the door, and despite it being 11pm, there are about 5 people scattered around the front room blasting reggae. clearly it's not my type of party just yet. so i figure i'll catch Deathrow Tull perform and come back.. 3 stops, a short walk and quick stop at the liquor store (about 20 mins later) I am standing outside 255 Mckibbin st, trying to find a way in. I follow the signs posted for a party in the building since i don't know the name of the person throwing it. All I know is my friend Dyalekt's band is performing. {I later find out that this party is apart of something called 12 Days of Art being hosted by Brooklyn Wildlife. BTW if you have some free time, check out these events because they (and all the people involved) kick ass} getting back to the fact that i initially wandered into the wrong party in which a well dressed friendly fellow named Paul, let me stay and enjoy myself until my friend showed up. I jumped on the option until i saw that I had zero reception in the space and went back to waiting by the back door. a few minutes later Dy appears with a gang of people (presumably the band, or not.. ) and entry to an upper level where the party is occurring is granted. After paying a $3 entry fee and stripping down to my panties and night shirt, the party begins. at first it's quite empty, but soon fills up as people arrive in large numbers. more clothes are shed. drinks go around. shots & j's available at the bar.. i'm given free range with a camera. i can not be more giddy by this trust given to me. and so i frolic and give myself over to the good vibe in the room. more shots, more weed smoke, pictures, flashing lights. art covers the walls, black lights provide ambiance and in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.. the band plays and the entire party is lifted. many pictures later, i return the camera after the set is done but continue to frolic. this whisky & burbon begin to have it's way with me and i let loose on the  dance floor, not really knowing what i'm doing, just feeling my way through the music. and it feels good. moment of euphoria and epiphany. i escort an australian to get his friend, as it is a two man operation. pit stop in the hallway back to the party, i'm drunk now and i know it, my feet constantly kick the empty beer cans & bottles over, so i take a seat. the gathered musicians follow suit and before i know it, there's a freestyle jam session in play, complete with human beatboxes. i jump in, jump out and listen and sing/hum/rap along as my spirit moves me. the circle ends, there was a video. i hope to find it. i continue to dance and mingle & party and be wrapped up in the joy of the evening. it is now evident that i am drunk but never once was i unaware. i never made it back to reggay, but i'm sure i didn't miss much.
i slept like a baby that night, wrapped up in a blanket on my friend's couch. unknowing of what this move holds for my future but more motivated then ever to continue my artistic pursuits from amateur into professional. it's how i was meant to live, i now know that i am talented enough to compete and compare. to make it in this city i love, indulging in a life of art. i can't wait to leave just to come back and test the waters. this was a fabulous send off weekend as much as they could be. 

jan15

i read the writings of a friend and was reminded of brown bodies. the night of movement, when packed into a room for fellowship, i was destroyed and healed in the same day. today my affirmation read that every person dies and is reborn a million times or more in their lifetime. It states that most people do not or can not accept the inevitability of death. The fact that it will happen at some point or another. Therefore those people never change. Today I open my heart and mind to be aware that  without death there can be no change. All things will remain the same. today i remember that i have died and will continue to die each day that i continue to grow. to learn to be better than i was before.
today i finally got a reply from a person i hadn't heard from in a long time; too long of a time. my best friend, sean. the one person who since i met had always been in my corner, the one person who would always push me the right way. she always had my back until the day she was suddenly gone. i knew she was moving away to seclusion to work on her album, so it didn't surprise me when i hadn't heard from her for the initial 2-3 months. our friendship has lasted through longer periods of not being in communication. but when it approached almost 6 months, i started to get worried. and then i posted on her facebook wall and saw her communication with other friends. so i satisfied my curious green eyed monster and snooped. (word to the wise, never snoop.. it never ends well) so i snooped, and put 2 and 2 together, and understood that she was willfully ignoring me. she was intentionally avoiding my calls, visits, emails,  etc. the moment of  epiphany was earth shattering. all i could do was sit in a corner, balled up and balling like a newborn. it was the moment i truly felt alone, like i had really been abandoned because i've never had the thought of "what if she leaves me?". not as if we were a couple but in a way she has been the longest standing relationship in my life. from the moment we met, we were bonded in a friendship.15 years later, we remain friends, so to know she has finally grown fed up with me, is a wake up call to re-examine what is wrong there. i remember once i told her i loved her, and she was ever so sweet to shake it off and let me down easy. but  my love for her has never ended and never will as long as i live. i hope that one day we will clear the air between us. that we will again unite and be friends again. and knowing her, we will. i just need to give her some time.

jan17th

today was a good day, i woke up  less aloof to my feelings on this whole new circumstance of life. I have been trying to cage myself for so long. there is something relieving about being alone. now i wish i would have gotten a train ticket instead of a flight out. i know niya will be moody (to say the least) in the upcomming weeks, but i also know she just needs time to adjust. just like i will. a week going through the county rather than over it, seems like a better choice. but on the other hand, i know myself. and as much as i am trying to change, i know it is better to get to my mother as soon as possible, because i have a lot of healing to do. and only another woman  can help me.   i need her love, and her care. most of all, i know she needs mine. she needs me. i don't know how i know. other than to say i feel it inside. in my soul. i have dreams about her that rock me. i can call her at just the precise moment, she needs help. not physically being there for her is enough to make me know that me leaving to be with her is the best thing i can possibly do for myself or for my family.
hmmm.. family, so much come us with just the mention of that single word. i like many other people are tethered to feelings of the past. there is always a history with family. i am convinced the more that i live, that a family is not blood alone. and just because you're blood, doesn't always make you family. but i digress. four years ago i created my own family; with j. two like minded individuals, created life and agreed to provide any and everything that life needed or wanted by any means necessary. at least, that is how i view it now. us setting out to do this, the most complex thing in the history of mankind. the most fragile thing, most important thing. five years later it's 2012 and i am moving to las vegas with my daughter while he stays here with our son.

Fwd:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "Joi Sanchez" <cjoisanchez@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 11, 2012 4:40 PM
Subject:
To: <cjoisanchez.damaged@blogspot.com>

Yesterday I saw a black girl crying
I walked up and asked whats wrong.. she told me that the radios been playing her story all night long.. That hordes of strangers follow her every waking moment. All she wants is to be left alone..

In the end nothing even matters

Theres a saying in the acting community, "the show must go on".. I guess tours true for everyone but me. Tonight my co-creator and friend dropped out of a show I am producing because she can't consign this project when my basic needs aren't met. I tuned her out once she began too mention my children's needs not being met. As if she knows anything about it, I declined to respond. And what else should I really have expected from her? our from anyone for that matter? There has yet to be a person inside my familial life that has said anything positive regarding my artistic pursuits. Their answer is always just go to vegas as soona possible. Don't try to start here.just go. Just go.. And stop that is what I will do.originally I had concocted a plan to dio the show within a month and gio to vegss after. Now at the end of that same day,i find myself exhausted fighting the negativity around me.all I wanted to dio was perform.but I guess its not for me to do if I can't even have the super of my friends behind me.

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Letting go

This afternoon i awoke in a strange place. a place not my home or my own but felt comfortable.
Yesterday I was crushed by the last person I expected. Was is deserved, I don't know anymore. I'd question my actions and his motives but when all is said and done, there is nothing more to be said. No more words to say. The relationship has been over for quite some time, we both just too weak with hope to admit it to ourselves. Too afraid to be alone to admit it to one another, only to find ourselves alone anyway. Now I face the decision I've been avoiding for years. Do we split up our children or jut all the beans into one pot.  He's an excellent father, bipolar tendencies aside he's also one of the best men I've ever loved. i just never given myself the opportunity to admit that one day it was destined to end between us because as good as we are alone, together we are toxic. It's a fact. Not a fantasy that I choose to believe. The past is full of evidence, I just wouldn't hear the case. uop't face the truth that holding on, only made the ropes fray faster. Until eventually you're forced to let go. The problem, we didn't fall back into love, we fell face first into insecurities and pain. In pain we reside. In silence we lived. In stress, hardship, and faith we continued on ignoring the signs.
but now is not time to wonder or to cry over spilt milk. Now it's time to make a plan, stick to it, and learn to live again. Without the restraints of one another. Without worry so much of what we've lost. Toni Morrison once said that the inability to let go of things, whether they be physical, mental or emotional, is a demonstration of a lack of faith. When we can let go, we make room for the blessings to come into our lives. Today I let go, of the past, the feelings that reside there, the dreams of yesterday, the disappointments, the expectations, and even the possessions of it. It is all gone and forgotten so I can remember that I deserve better in the future. I deserve to be better in the future. I deserve to give better in the future. And in the present I can be satisfied with the work I am doing to accomplish those things.

searching for the light

i often feel the tug of ancestral spirits calling me home to where i am safe
calling me
calling me
calling my name
they say come home again
woman love yourself

i sometimes feel the urge to sell everything i own
move to countries comprised of villages & villas
set against beach & mountains
sing the sirens sea call
and lay forever in that moment
if i could lay forever
if only i could lay forever
in that moment

i would

i would pack up my bag full of guilt, hate, frustrations,
throw my madness into the oceans abyss
say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
But I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night

Damn

You're in school

Education

The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction

Listen

to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember

you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

Love & Light

And the beat goes...

On and on like a broken record, I replay my emotions on the 1's & 2's. The sweetest sound I hear in my day is enough to break through my barriers and bring tears to my eyes moments later. Because here I am not mommy. I can't be mommy. Not primarily. First & foremost I am MOD. Grand dame queen beast of the cupcake kingdom.
I got in trouble for being a mommy today. Not specifically but in the broader region of common sense, where all I really had to do was ask first. To double check that it was okay to take my little boy to the bathroom before I just did it. But I didn't, and I had to face the fact that i was wrong, no matter how right the instinctive reasoning. Even despite the fact that others have been doing it since I've been there, I should have thought twice. But I couldn't see myself being the mom that's a douche to her son, in public, better yet at all.

Love & Light

It's not all right but it's all real!

This year the holidays passed as nothing special. I spent my time off divided between family & friend. These days it feels like I'm in a sand storm. Blinded by the winds of change forever surrounding me, pushing me one way or the other. The hard part is seeing through the storm, to the horizon where peaceful skies rest. Sunshine awaits and speaks my name in whispers as if it is a secret I must seek out and capture. That until I find that magic place, I will only encounter pain. There is no wisdom or reason here.

In this desert I walk in alone, abandoned. J says he is here with me; if only he knew where to find me. But no one can understand, especially not him. No one can understand what it's like to be a queer woman married to man who has broken her beyond  her bounds and has taken a beating in return.  That no matter how much I have forgiven, I can not forget, my soul won't let me. No matter how much love my heart holds, my spirit is selfish, holding it all for myself, saying I need it to heal. I'd turn to him with open arms but I don't want to stab him with my contradicting dagger thoughts. So I love him the only way I know how for now.

 Few have walked the path before me and where they have stepped the wind has swept away their foot prints. There is no blueprint to follow. There are no instructions to tell me if I am right or wrong, only my spirit to guide me. My spirit, that the more I listen to it, the closer I get to her, the further I get from the world we created so many years ago.

There are no rules to this. Just a hunch to go on, a hope to hold on to. That one day all will be right. That there will be a we and not just a me. That hope is not just a tease to keep someone holding on. That hope is real and worth it. 

I am not an asshole. Not pure & simple. If anything I am an onion. Layers developed over time that bring nothing but tears when pulled back. I was never the good choice to make and I don't always make the good choices. But I am secure entering this year knowing that even though it's not all right it is all real. and for now, it's enough clarity to keep me moving forward. 

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Love & Light