I don't know how many people come across this little blog of mine. I know even less of how many people actually read it. Neither is of any importance to me. Don't get me wrong, I love you for reading my words. For coming back every now and again to indulge in my progression. I even love those people who stmble across it by accident and read out of sheer boredom. What i'm meaning to say is I don't write for you or for anyone but me. it is my healthy release of the torments that plague me. internally to some extent, i know someone else out there in the world is going through something similar. so i share my lessons and hopefully help them while helping myself.
i'm about half way through my Saturn's Return. Since learning of it and what it meant for me, I've been making some changes and major life defining decisions. One major one being that I am a multi discipline artist. Not for the money but for the love of it, it's healing, it's provocation to social change. I love to write, to paint, to make things, to design, to sing, to perform. I live for it. The many incarnations of artistry is my passion, outside of parenthood, it is art that keeps me sane. I am also discovering that inside of me lives an activist. I've never been a person that could keep my mouth shut when I see something wrong going on. I couldn't keep the secrets that cause others to hurt. Art allows me to express my opinion of the world and make it question itself.
I came to this epiphany several days before leaving my NY home. As I sat in the LES on the sidewalk in the pouring rain crying at the acceptance of the fact that I would have to cancel a show I was in the process of creating. Not because I was homeless or jobless (situations I have faced and conquered before) but because I didnt have the support of my co-creators. While I loved their concern for my "basic needs", I couldn't stomach the lack of belief in me and my abilities. Really it was just the one who,didn't believe. The other I took no fault with, he had legitimate concerns for the creative process and quality of the outcome. But the other is a long time friend. If anyone knows my hustle, I thought, she would. It wasn't until later in the night, curled up on a friemd's couch that i remembered that just because I had to postpone the show, doesn't mean I have to stop creating it. It doesn't mean that I must stop in any way. It just means that right now was not the time for it to be shown. I must take a pause, perhaps to work out those spots I wasn't quite clear or sure about until my creation is ready to live. It takes 9 months for children to form and be ready to meet the world. One day or month too soon and their survival rate drops, so it is with art. If we rush to get it all out without allowing time for our creation to develop the strength to stand on it's own, we may fall short. And that is okay. I can live with that.
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