Self vs. Self

Currently, I am writing while listening to the latest episode of "The Good Wife". My kids are not sleeping upstairs in my room. I wish they were more like childhood me, able to fill their adult-less time with imagination, stories, toys. I sit here knowing that they just want me. And yet here I sit, unable to lay with them in peace. Its as if my mind has been electrified. The thoughts don't stop rolling.. They just keep coming and going, like fleeting winds. I had hoped to grab hold of the momentary inspirations only to be interrupted. And nowa self imposed distraction just to get the words flowing because I may be regressing.

I feel as if I am weathering a storm in a life preserver. Yielding to the ebb & flow of the ocean waves. Its calming.  And then the sky darkens and the waves crash. While I'm thrashed between waves and wind, My jacket keeps me afloat.

I keep having this dream that one day I will be somebody.. Not as if  I am not somebody. (everyone is) I mean it in a societal changing way. I just have to continue to learn precisely how that will happen. I want to go back to school. Fill a personal goal that has been weighing on me the more I delve into myself & art. Its inspiring, waking up everyday to do the very thing that terrifies you. Sometimes I wonder if the path I am walking or choosing to walk is the "right" one. I think its right for me, but how will it shape and mold my children? Am I being selfish by calming manic thoughts instead of laying in bed with my loves?

I wonder.