Its been about a full month now that I have been unemployed, and have had absolutely no income whatsoever. Its only by the grace of the universe that I have survived this long. Regardless of how hard this struggle gets, I see that I am resilient, adaptable, resourceful, and stronger inside than I thought before. I'm recognizing a definite exponential positive growth within myself to not give in to the darkness that is beating against the locked door of its captivity. I have become a million times more powerful in the last 30 days then I had realized until today. Formerly I would have taken this free time to seek solace in a bottle or drug. I would have sought out the fast paying jobs & crowds of people that would allow me to sustain an inebriated state of wallow . Instead I spend my nights with my children laying in my arms way past their transition to sleepy land. I stay and watch them breath. I stay as close as possible for as long as possible so when they wake up in the night I am there.
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Thursday, September 29, 2011
09.29: reinforcing positivity
I got a job! Even better I got the job that I wanted *does cat daddy*. The last 30 days has been a rollercoaster of unpredictability. Even today I was unsure of what I was going to do as far as making a steady stream of money, providing for myself and my family, etc. I'm still a little worried as to what I will do for the next few weeks to keep a roof over my head but I am not worried. My faith in myself has been restored as I have seen the actual results that come when you believe despite all odds. As ironic as this turn of events is, I'm steadier in my spirit than I have been in while. I believed I would get this job when I applied originally. And I kept the positive attitude that "I want" the job instead of the negative "need" thought which so often sends people into a desperate area mentally. Now I'm just thankful & excited for CUPCAKES!!!!
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
09.27: conception from commitment
Today will forever be lodged in my memory as the day I decided to jump out the plane. While I did go skydiving for my birthday, today is the first day that I have decided to be fearless in my life's choice. Today is the day that I consciously and whole heartedly decided to produce my first show, at a theater, for paying people .
I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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09.24: embracing personality, explaining persona
For the last 3 or 4 months I have been apart of the WoW Cafe Theater. Wow is a theater collective of women & transpeople created for us to have a "safe space" to create any kind of art that we want to. All members of the collective gain sweat equity by working, producing, & hming the shows of fellow members. When a member has gained enough equity, they can submit a request to produce a show of their own.
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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09.23: learning lessons (patience)
Two days ago, I was told that my UE benefits had been held up because my former employer had protested my claim. [For those who don't know] When that happens, your claim is put on hold while an examiner goes over the claim to decide whether it is valid. Ie they decide when and if you get your benefits. But its not until you have made a claim for 3 weeks (a month in reality) that the "service people" can give you a direct number. Before that time you can only wait on hold for 45 or so minutes to be transferred to "their extension" (aka an answering machine) That was my Thursday (9.22)
Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.
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Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.
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Thursday, September 22, 2011
I just had to get this off my chest
Not to sound racist but this temporarily pissed me off.
The white lady at the rally behind me tells her friend how important it is that they be here and we (as a people) need to eliminate the death penalty because it could happen to any of us at anytime. And all I could do is scream because this won't happen to any of you EVER. As long as you are white, you remain covered by the underlying atmosphere of privilege in this country. You will always get the benefit of the doubt.
But on the other hand.. So glad you came out to show and voice your support.
(*deep breath*)
Love & Light
The white lady at the rally behind me tells her friend how important it is that they be here and we (as a people) need to eliminate the death penalty because it could happen to any of us at anytime. And all I could do is scream because this won't happen to any of you EVER. As long as you are white, you remain covered by the underlying atmosphere of privilege in this country. You will always get the benefit of the doubt.
But on the other hand.. So glad you came out to show and voice your support.
(*deep breath*)
Love & Light
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
09.14: taking action
Today I spent some time by myself. What was meant to be me heading to a 2pm yoga class turned into me having an inspired thought to walk through my current neighborhood. (Thanks for the hold time tmobile) Inwood, my temporary adopted home. I'm only partially sad to admit I've never really explored this part of the city before. And now I'm glad I did. Walking down broadway along Fort Tyron park was so beautiful, almost like a state of meditation.
It gave me time to consider what it is it would take for me to allow myself to be happy in this life. Beyond the generic answers of love, a good income, shelter, health, etc. This path was more specific. Like what talents do I already possess that I can develop further in order to make a living from? What do I love to do more than anything else? What can I teach myself to do? And on and on I went. I came up with a longer list than expected. I settled on the fact that photography is something I already possess a talent & eye for & love to do. Music, writing, wardrobe styling & hair styling are also among my top 10 answers. I came to a conclusion that I know a lot more that I give myself credit for. I also recognized that I know a lot less than I am comfortable with. I came to the decision that while a couple of classes and some major reading is in order, so is action. Meaning that every free moment I have should be dedicated to developing these interests into revenue streams for myself. Another thing I need to do more is self promotion.. Facebook and various other social networking sites are cool but I realize I don't have that many friends. Or rather I don't have that many friends that really care about my art like that AND I don't have enough connections to get in any place to showcase my art. I also just don't promote myself enough...
Now as I sit & write this I am dedicating myself to taking more action within my life & career path. It may does include getting a hrly wage job just to pay bills and pay for the equipment I need but its okay. This time I will not allow myself to get wrapped up in the money I'm making (or not making) because its not my career path. I won't be tied up in stress' that aren't mine. I will be using all my free time (and borrowed camera time) to shoot as much as possible to build my portfolio. I will develop enough content and clients for a portfolio site of my own. I will make a clear laid out business plan of how I want to shape my do-it-all entertainment network/company, RAW. I will continue to write everyday, as much as I can; as much as I am inspired to write. I will read up on all the things I do not know. I will continue to sneak into classes at my former college and learn for free. Basically I will do, not just think. And this time I won't stop or give up.
Love & Light
09.13: asserting independence over the past
It just occurred to me that while on the phone today, my mom said to me that "we need to have a plan because I've tried it someone else's way and it didn't work. So its time I listen to her so we can have a plan to help me get my shit together." And it struck me, this woman has listened to nothing I've said about being on vacation for the next 6 months and being an artist. Meaning that I will contribute a portion of my weekly UE to her household. While saving $ out of every check and pursuing an existence I love & am proud of. And giving J full access (& in a way control) to my financial situation. A very scary prospect but at least I'm sure it can't get much worse because my family's needs will be met.
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light
09.12: pride
My latest episodic addiction is the AMC show Mad Men. Its set in the world of an advertising form beginning in the 60's (aka the golden age of advertising). Anyway I'm a fan mostly for the fashions of the time. I love the way that a button down shirt & slacks wasn't considered "dressy", it was just normal clothing worn daily by all people.
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.
Love & Light
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.
Love & Light
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
09.11: Compassion
Ten years ago today I sat upon my rooftop in Brooklyn, smoking a blunt, convinced the world was ending. I had woken up late for school, so my mom told me to take the day off. I went about my day, proceeding to my roof for a quick wake & bake. She said something was wrong with the tv, that something had hit the world trade center. But no more was really being said at that time.
At the time she & I lived in a modest sized 1 bedroom in the heart of BedStuy. What most people never say about the beauty of Brooklyn is that there is a gorgeous view of the manhattan skyline from most rooftops. It was my favorite place to go to when I wanted to cleanse my mind & relax.
That morning I rolled up my Dutch Master not noticing the billowing smoke in the distance. I remember thinking how foggy it was in lower manhattan on such a beautiful fall day. It was sunny out & the sun brought a false sense of a lingering summer.
I remember blowing out smoke and confusing it with what was already floating in the air. I watched the catastrophe in puzzlement. What could've caused that much smoke? Seconds later I got my answer as I watched the 2nd plane hit. A plane. An airplane full of people. And then it happened. They fell. One, and then the other. It looked like a mushroom cloud after the atomic bomb. A modern Hiroshima in the middle of the morning. That was the first time ever in my life that I was so grateful to wake up late. I got on my knees giving praise to the universe for sparing my life. Knowing that had I been on time that day, I would have been on a train under one of those buildings. I would have been joining the numerous unfortunate souls under a rubble of death. The rest of the day I spent in a state of shock with my best friend at the time. We immediately grabbed her kids from school under the fear that another attack was imminent. It never happened but in Brooklyn, the fear was enough of a motivation to bring us together, just in case.
Every year since, I have watched the memorials over the gaping hole that once was NYC's greatest architectural achievement. Now a mass grave of countless unknown civilians and heroes we'll never know. Hundreds of people that will never again get the opportunity of life that I was given. I shed a tear, light a candle, and change the channel.
Now ten years later, the hole remains, the MTA is too broke to finish construction of the terminal, WTC is no where near finished but the memorial is done. All the names of all the lives lost surrounding a hole in the ground.
To this day our country tries to convince us that terrorists orchestrated these tragic events. And we believe it because its easier to justify senseless loss of life if there is a bad guy to blame. Someone to go after and punish and hold accountable for actions even it was someone/thing else. No one likes to feel betrayed by those that should be protecting them. So every year, for this one day,m I forget everything I know to be true. I forget all the things that just don't add up (like all the random healthy heroes making millions while the real surviving heroes suffer in silence from lung disease caused by the debris they inhaled.. Or the millions of government subsidies given to NY state intended for business' that wanted to rent space in the new WTC being given to businesses in Westchester County & Brooklyn, etc). I pretend I know nothing and take the day to morn the loss of my fellowq NY'ers and be thankful for the life I still have.
Love & Light
At the time she & I lived in a modest sized 1 bedroom in the heart of BedStuy. What most people never say about the beauty of Brooklyn is that there is a gorgeous view of the manhattan skyline from most rooftops. It was my favorite place to go to when I wanted to cleanse my mind & relax.
That morning I rolled up my Dutch Master not noticing the billowing smoke in the distance. I remember thinking how foggy it was in lower manhattan on such a beautiful fall day. It was sunny out & the sun brought a false sense of a lingering summer.
I remember blowing out smoke and confusing it with what was already floating in the air. I watched the catastrophe in puzzlement. What could've caused that much smoke? Seconds later I got my answer as I watched the 2nd plane hit. A plane. An airplane full of people. And then it happened. They fell. One, and then the other. It looked like a mushroom cloud after the atomic bomb. A modern Hiroshima in the middle of the morning. That was the first time ever in my life that I was so grateful to wake up late. I got on my knees giving praise to the universe for sparing my life. Knowing that had I been on time that day, I would have been on a train under one of those buildings. I would have been joining the numerous unfortunate souls under a rubble of death. The rest of the day I spent in a state of shock with my best friend at the time. We immediately grabbed her kids from school under the fear that another attack was imminent. It never happened but in Brooklyn, the fear was enough of a motivation to bring us together, just in case.
Every year since, I have watched the memorials over the gaping hole that once was NYC's greatest architectural achievement. Now a mass grave of countless unknown civilians and heroes we'll never know. Hundreds of people that will never again get the opportunity of life that I was given. I shed a tear, light a candle, and change the channel.
Now ten years later, the hole remains, the MTA is too broke to finish construction of the terminal, WTC is no where near finished but the memorial is done. All the names of all the lives lost surrounding a hole in the ground.
To this day our country tries to convince us that terrorists orchestrated these tragic events. And we believe it because its easier to justify senseless loss of life if there is a bad guy to blame. Someone to go after and punish and hold accountable for actions even it was someone/thing else. No one likes to feel betrayed by those that should be protecting them. So every year, for this one day,m I forget everything I know to be true. I forget all the things that just don't add up (like all the random healthy heroes making millions while the real surviving heroes suffer in silence from lung disease caused by the debris they inhaled.. Or the millions of government subsidies given to NY state intended for business' that wanted to rent space in the new WTC being given to businesses in Westchester County & Brooklyn, etc). I pretend I know nothing and take the day to morn the loss of my fellowq NY'ers and be thankful for the life I still have.
Love & Light
Monday, September 19, 2011
09.10: Epiphany
I had an epiphany today. While high I realized that never in my life have I take a vacation. Not a real one where I don't do anything aside from things I enjoy doing. For the last 14 years I've been (for the most part) working non-stop ever since I was legally able to. And so I declare that for the next 6 months I will take a vacation from the seriousness of life. I will relax in the land of eternal sunshine & debauchery: Vegas. (Lol!) I will laugh with my mom & my daughter. I will care for my mental well being. I will meditate. I will visit Cali & Mexico & maybe even Canada. (Once I earn my drivers license & regain my mom's trust where cars are concerned)
I will live. I will not get bogged down in the land of overkill & burnout that is NY. Why continue to fight a losing battle? Or rather, why maintain the struggle?
I remember when I was younger, I thought my vast intelligence would have landed a luxurious cushy job by now. Had my life plan worked, I'd be on my way to early retirement at age 35. That was the plan. To go to college and attain a stable high paying job and retire at 35. Then I'd start my family life planning. Somewhere along the way though, around age 20, while in a place I didn't know and surrounded by strangers, I received the news that my grandmother had died. My boss at the time told me I couldn't leave for more than 3 days. I had to be back almost immediately. At that moment I made the decision that I didn't want to live this lonely life on the road all the time, only focused on making money, not making something greater of myself. So I quit, I came home to new york and buried my grandmother. I took my earnings & inheritance and settled into an apartment, went to school, fell in love, had some kids, and now here I am. 8 years later unemployed, separated, on the verge of homelessness in a pursuit of happiness and balance. But I'm not sad or weighed down by any of it. I love it. Had I known back then that there was this much joy to be found in living life, I would have jumped in sooner.
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I will live. I will not get bogged down in the land of overkill & burnout that is NY. Why continue to fight a losing battle? Or rather, why maintain the struggle?
I remember when I was younger, I thought my vast intelligence would have landed a luxurious cushy job by now. Had my life plan worked, I'd be on my way to early retirement at age 35. That was the plan. To go to college and attain a stable high paying job and retire at 35. Then I'd start my family life planning. Somewhere along the way though, around age 20, while in a place I didn't know and surrounded by strangers, I received the news that my grandmother had died. My boss at the time told me I couldn't leave for more than 3 days. I had to be back almost immediately. At that moment I made the decision that I didn't want to live this lonely life on the road all the time, only focused on making money, not making something greater of myself. So I quit, I came home to new york and buried my grandmother. I took my earnings & inheritance and settled into an apartment, went to school, fell in love, had some kids, and now here I am. 8 years later unemployed, separated, on the verge of homelessness in a pursuit of happiness and balance. But I'm not sad or weighed down by any of it. I love it. Had I known back then that there was this much joy to be found in living life, I would have jumped in sooner.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Free write 09.05
Only I can sit at a busy bar and not talk to anyone, instead I write the rhymes I wish I could speak as fast as I think, typed thought, manifest an idea into reality, surrounded by inspiration, stuck in the spotlight, free flow turned bad style..
Alone, no love in or from the crowd, I sing, write.. I Speak words not speak freely
If every action has a consequence, I don't want to know what it is, too drunk to see where the bottom is, that's why we crash into pillows after billows of smoke. Pause... TBC
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Alone, no love in or from the crowd, I sing, write.. I Speak words not speak freely
If every action has a consequence, I don't want to know what it is, too drunk to see where the bottom is, that's why we crash into pillows after billows of smoke. Pause... TBC
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09.03:Comfort
To my extreme surprise, J's sister came and took the children for the night, greatly altering our plans to have an afternoon of park antics. Instead we spread a blanket out on the floor and lounged about all afternoon & evening. With the exception of short walks of enlightenment, we did nothing and it was fantastic. To do nothing more than lay & cuddle with my husband. As separated as we may be, I recognize we still share love. He's still my best friend through it all. And sometimes my only friend. He puts up with my bullshit attitudes, and self-anger issues. He and I have a bond that goes beyond the pulpit and rules of society.
When I think about marriage & family, isn't that how it should be? We live in a "free" society so essentially people should be allowed to make their own rules by which to live their lives. Isn't that the purpose of free will?
Right now he & I are in a gray area known as separation. Even I'll admit that its weird some times. To have to leave his house after bed time and return to my own empty space, sometimes brings me down. Other times being alone is everything. Its comforting & enlightening to my soul. I'll wake up often and feel refreshed for a nights sleep uninterrupted by the fastidious kicking of our 4 year old or the choking scents of the prayer incense. I love sleeping alone some times. But today was a comfortable lounging type of day. Lounging with J is definitely one of my favorite past times. Most times he's the best company a girl could ask for. And today was just one of those days. Maybe it sends the "wrong" signal to him, for me to still be so comfortable with him that I can want to be separated from him, yet still get cozy in his arms in front the tv on a rainy night. And that is also the beauty of it, I guess.
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When I think about marriage & family, isn't that how it should be? We live in a "free" society so essentially people should be allowed to make their own rules by which to live their lives. Isn't that the purpose of free will?
Right now he & I are in a gray area known as separation. Even I'll admit that its weird some times. To have to leave his house after bed time and return to my own empty space, sometimes brings me down. Other times being alone is everything. Its comforting & enlightening to my soul. I'll wake up often and feel refreshed for a nights sleep uninterrupted by the fastidious kicking of our 4 year old or the choking scents of the prayer incense. I love sleeping alone some times. But today was a comfortable lounging type of day. Lounging with J is definitely one of my favorite past times. Most times he's the best company a girl could ask for. And today was just one of those days. Maybe it sends the "wrong" signal to him, for me to still be so comfortable with him that I can want to be separated from him, yet still get cozy in his arms in front the tv on a rainy night. And that is also the beauty of it, I guess.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2011
09.04: obligation
Today is the day that all people of West Indian descent, myself included, look forward to all summer. Its Jourvet Sunday & parade Monday. As long as I can remember that's always been the protocol for all us Island folk. For a lot of us New Yorkers the "West Indian Day Parade" on Eastern Parkway is the closest many of us will ever get to Carnival.
As a kid I was drawn in to going to see it because of the beautiful majestic costumes. They are truly transformative works of art. I always dreamed of being a butterfly in the parade one year. Maybe one day I will get my wish. As I got older I remained connected thru the music & food of my culture. And then one summer, when I was 15, I discovered Jouvet. The annual preparation/pre-party that happens before the parade. There's all sorts of antics. All of Flatbush becomes a street party leading up to the parade. in recent years it has become subject to the bullshit that some black people always wanna bring with them. Which over time has lead to a good time being over-regulated by law authorities.
This year for the first time, I had no actual plan on what I'd be doing for the night. I just knew that if I made it to P's house, we'd probably end up at Jouvet, but seeing as she never called, I just went to sleep.
When I woke up, I headed over to J's house to help with the laundry & have my daily dose of kiddy time. I'm glad I stayed through the night instead of wandering off with no particular destination. Because after out nightly walk & snacking ritual, his sugar sky rocketed to an amount so high the meter doesn't even bother to produce a number. It just read HI. I knew if I left, she'd freak out, call an ambulance
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As a kid I was drawn in to going to see it because of the beautiful majestic costumes. They are truly transformative works of art. I always dreamed of being a butterfly in the parade one year. Maybe one day I will get my wish. As I got older I remained connected thru the music & food of my culture. And then one summer, when I was 15, I discovered Jouvet. The annual preparation/pre-party that happens before the parade. There's all sorts of antics. All of Flatbush becomes a street party leading up to the parade. in recent years it has become subject to the bullshit that some black people always wanna bring with them. Which over time has lead to a good time being over-regulated by law authorities.
This year for the first time, I had no actual plan on what I'd be doing for the night. I just knew that if I made it to P's house, we'd probably end up at Jouvet, but seeing as she never called, I just went to sleep.
When I woke up, I headed over to J's house to help with the laundry & have my daily dose of kiddy time. I'm glad I stayed through the night instead of wandering off with no particular destination. Because after out nightly walk & snacking ritual, his sugar sky rocketed to an amount so high the meter doesn't even bother to produce a number. It just read HI. I knew if I left, she'd freak out, call an ambulance
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09.02: self-affirmation (eliminating fear, lesson 1)
Today for the first time in a long time, I realized exactly how alone I am. Away from what I know, I am alone. But I'm not lonely. And although, all I'd like in the world right now is someone to go home & lay with. (Preferably a soft, yummy smelling female to stroke & hold. But at this moment I'm not picky. I'd even be satisfied by Rosa's ugly mean dog.) Instead of an empty bed again. What was initially an extreme relief, an empty bed, has become a void where I am sucked into my sorrows when I'm feeling down (like now). At this moment I have every intention of passing by my dad's house on my way home simply to delay the inevitable, being alone in am empty bed, and nearly empty room.
I'm sure though, that if I had a good book to read, cable, or more dvds I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about who is and isn't in my bed right now.
So I write. I write out every feeling. My fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes, worries..its only by having the conversation that we can open ourselves to understanding. I fill my alone time with writing, I write out all the mysteries of me and am constantly amused by what I discover with every written word.
Its a hard thing to write, to constantly find inspiration when you have none. I find that most of the time, I don't even finish what I write until days later. There's just so much, its Digging through the recesses of one's mind is becoming harder than finding gold. But the rewards of emptying that which has been so cluttered for so long, is priceless.
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I'm sure though, that if I had a good book to read, cable, or more dvds I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about who is and isn't in my bed right now.
So I write. I write out every feeling. My fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes, worries..its only by having the conversation that we can open ourselves to understanding. I fill my alone time with writing, I write out all the mysteries of me and am constantly amused by what I discover with every written word.
Its a hard thing to write, to constantly find inspiration when you have none. I find that most of the time, I don't even finish what I write until days later. There's just so much, its Digging through the recesses of one's mind is becoming harder than finding gold. But the rewards of emptying that which has been so cluttered for so long, is priceless.
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Friday, September 9, 2011
09.01: joy
The first day of my unemployment, my husband suggested I come spend some time with my children. That I bring some joy into my day. As selfish as it is I said no. I was so wrapped up in my anger at the overall shit storm I've created in my life that I rejected the idea of doing anything but wallowing in my misery. That's exactly what I did. I went home, got something to eat with my last few dollars and wrapped myself in my quilt and slept. I slept from about 6pm until the following afternoon. I moved for nothing and no one. And honestly, it was exactly what I needed to help extinguish the burning inside of me. The following days I again avoided contact with the little ones, knowing I was still not in the mind set to be with them. I was too focused on being unemployed. I wanted to be alone. I sort of still do but my humanity is beginning to return again. I am missing them more and more with the passing hours. I am becoming a "real person" so to speak. And all I want is to be a mom, not an ok one, or one that's around, but a really great mom. The question to be lived now is how do I do that while working out the issues I have with myself ? Am I being a bad mom by not staying with their father? Am I simply being a selfish woman if I admit that I can't always handle being a mom? I can't always comply with the demands of my husband? Why does admitting to that truth make me look (to others) and feel (to myself) like I am "less than" as a woman? If I were a man, would be feel this same guilt? Would society put this same stigma on me? Or would I just be "stereotypical"? I love my kids, no doubt about it. Those little people are the source of my greatest joy. They are by far my greatest accomplishment. There isn't a day where I am not proud and thankful to have been given the blessing of their lives. As wonderful as they are I often recognize the fact that I am not always able to cope. I am not always up to the task of being a mom. I am not always a "good" mom, I feel. Even though I know giving my best to them is being a good mom, I still feel "less than" the expectation.
(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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08.30/08.31: family
I have to confess that for the last three days I have been doing the bare minimum. On the first day of freedom (as I have come to think of it) I spent the greater part of the afternoon (let's say 12-5) at my father's house, shooting the shit, eating and watching t.v. Then I went on an employment walk from 14th street down, to a WoW Cafe Theater meeting (of which I'm now a member) and spent the remainder of the evening with my husband. After getting home around 130a, I decided to sleep in today. Its was such a wonderful, calm day, I did it again today. Upon waking up at 130p, I had lunch & dinner with my father . Then went to an open house for the company I would die to work for; Brooklyn Industries. A straight 3 hours that was completely enjoyable. I met some pretty nice people, saw an old friend, and laughed a lot. Unfortunately for me I realize that I lied in my interview, from pure reflex of saying that's where I worked. I also recognized that I still think of myself as apart of the soho team. I went in today and no one seemed concerned, I also didn't go walking around the store either. So whomever I saw, I saw. Those I didn't, I didn't. Speaking of Soho, I saw Blanca at the BI interviews and almost broke my neck laughing so hard. Not that she couldn't get it, cause she totally could, she was just the last person I would've thought was trying to leave Fuckery21. On the bright side, I think I made a good impression overall. My energy was good, my answers were genuine and I gave off a good positive energy. I maintained eye contact, eveen with the rolly eyed chick, so we'll see how that turns out.
I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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08.29: Optimism
Today was my day off from work. However, I made the decision to go in & help out with whatever clean-up needed to be done (post irene) and such things. 3.5 hours later I was "let go" aka fired. And for about an hour, until just now, I was pissed about it. So full of anger I had considered going back just to curse them out. But my better mind prevailed. Instead I am now off to be productive with my day. I am going to search & apply for every job I can online. I'm even going to go back to AE and see if they're might be a spot for me there. Cause no matter what I need a job asap.
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8.28: forgiveness
Today I was a failure as a human being. And I forgive myself for it. I can accept that I'm having a bad day because my spirit is attached to a funky feeling. I feel it physical and in turn display it. I was lazy, short, easily annoyed, & impatient. I'm appreciative of the day with my kids. I just forgot how to not allow myself to outwardly express my horrible inside feelings.
This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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8.26/27: embrace life (relaxation, appreciation, celebration)
For the last few days it seems the only thing anyone has been able to talk about in this city is Hurricane Irene. Its been compared to the last great storm to hit NY over 100 years ago, and Katrina. While I hope neither ends up being the case, I am confident the city is taking these precautions for the safety of the public.
With that said I woke up today to read a text stating that we (my staff and I) would be accountable for all shifts we were scheduled for over the weekend. I learned that I (all management) would be on-call all weekend long, regardless of hours or requests. That if we were called-in, we would be obligated to fulfill those shifts. My company was serious, some stores went as far to threaten associates with disciplinary action against them if they didn't show up. So for the first time ever, I called out from work. I turned down a day of easy money to remain with my family. And I don't feel bad about it.
Its been so long since I had an entire weekend with my kids. To watch them, talk with them, and just hang out doing lazy family activities. They gave me the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. I made some home cooked meals. It was great. The best part is that after this weekend I am no longer paranoid about the bond between them & I. With this separation lasting longer & longer, I was beginning to feel weighed down by guilt that they didn't love me anymore. I was obsessed with the feeling that they might begin to believe that I don't love them as much, or worse, at all. This weekend blew all of that away. It erased any doubt I had in my mind about being an unfit parent. It validated my choice to leave because even though I had a bad day yesterday, it was so much better than bad days of past. It confirmed my humanity. The fact that under whatever this is on my service, I am still very much human. Prone to error and filled with the ability to learn from my mistakes & grow to change.
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With that said I woke up today to read a text stating that we (my staff and I) would be accountable for all shifts we were scheduled for over the weekend. I learned that I (all management) would be on-call all weekend long, regardless of hours or requests. That if we were called-in, we would be obligated to fulfill those shifts. My company was serious, some stores went as far to threaten associates with disciplinary action against them if they didn't show up. So for the first time ever, I called out from work. I turned down a day of easy money to remain with my family. And I don't feel bad about it.
Its been so long since I had an entire weekend with my kids. To watch them, talk with them, and just hang out doing lazy family activities. They gave me the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. I made some home cooked meals. It was great. The best part is that after this weekend I am no longer paranoid about the bond between them & I. With this separation lasting longer & longer, I was beginning to feel weighed down by guilt that they didn't love me anymore. I was obsessed with the feeling that they might begin to believe that I don't love them as much, or worse, at all. This weekend blew all of that away. It erased any doubt I had in my mind about being an unfit parent. It validated my choice to leave because even though I had a bad day yesterday, it was so much better than bad days of past. It confirmed my humanity. The fact that under whatever this is on my service, I am still very much human. Prone to error and filled with the ability to learn from my mistakes & grow to change.
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