09.13: asserting independence over the past

It just occurred to me that while on the phone today, my mom said to me that "we need to have a plan because I've tried it someone else's way and it didn't work. So its time I listen to her so we can have a plan to help me get my shit together." And it struck me, this woman has listened to nothing I've said about being on vacation for the next 6 months and being an artist. Meaning that I will contribute a portion of my weekly UE to her household. While saving $ out of every check and pursuing an existence I love & am proud of. And giving J full access (& in a way control) to my financial situation. A very scary prospect but at least I'm sure it can't get much worse because my family's needs will be met.
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light