For the past two weeks I have had almost the same dream 6 times. It always begins the same; its my birthday and I'm sky diving for the 1st time. My husband, jose, is the only one who comes for moral support despite us being separated. So I nervously step into the plane, and a few minutes later jump to what I am sure is certain death. But it's not death, its freedom from everything holding me back. My mind becomes as clear as the beautiful spring day. I land two footed and renewed to see the only face there to greet me. He asks me how I feel and I reply "I want a divorce". Now its at this point in the dream where the scenario changes every time. Sometimes he kills me, sometimes he whips out money and throws it at me. In one variation, he has the actual papers in his pocket for me to sign. Every time it ends differently but always begins the same.
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
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