Woman

And what about when I just want to be a woman?
With nothing proceeding or following but success?
Because I always do my best
To just
Be a woman
Not a black, queer, wife, mother, sister, lover, working, superwoman
Just a woman
I live for those moments
Relish in the luxury of letting my hair & guard down
Wrap myself in the freedom of it
Surrender my soul to the serenity of silence
My mind & spirit sing a melodic cacophony in celebration of that moment
That random, rare moment
Where standing bare
Wanting nothing
I am nothing more
Nothing less
Than a woman
Simply
Lovely
Loved
Woman.

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09.28: preparation

Its been about a full month now that I have been unemployed, and have had absolutely no income whatsoever. Its only by the grace of the universe that I have survived this long. Regardless of how hard this struggle gets, I see that I am resilient, adaptable, resourceful, and stronger inside than I thought before. I'm recognizing a definite exponential positive growth within myself to not give in to the darkness that is beating against the locked door of its captivity. I have become a million times more powerful in the last 30 days then I had realized until today. Formerly I would have taken this free time to seek solace in a bottle or drug. I would have sought out the fast paying jobs & crowds of people that would allow me to sustain an inebriated state of wallow . Instead I spend my nights with my children laying in my arms way past their transition to sleepy land. I stay and watch them breath. I stay as close as possible for as long as possible so when they wake up in the night I am there.
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09.29: reinforcing positivity

I got a job! Even better I got the job that I wanted *does cat daddy*. The last 30 days has been a rollercoaster of unpredictability. Even today I was unsure of what I was going to do as far as making a steady stream of money, providing for myself and my family, etc. I'm still a little worried as to what I will do for the next few weeks to keep a roof over my head but I am not worried. My faith in myself has been restored as I have seen the actual results that come when you believe despite all odds. As ironic as this turn of events is, I'm steadier in my spirit than I have been in while. I believed I would get this job when I applied originally. And I kept the positive attitude that "I want" the job instead of the negative "need" thought which so often sends people into a desperate area mentally. Now I'm just thankful & excited for CUPCAKES!!!!
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09.27: conception from commitment

Today will forever be lodged in my memory as the day I decided to jump out the plane. While I did go skydiving for my birthday, today is the first day that I have decided to be fearless in my life's choice. Today is the day that I consciously and whole heartedly decided to produce my first show, at a theater, for paying people .
I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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09.24: embracing personality, explaining persona

For the last 3 or 4 months I have been apart of the WoW Cafe Theater. Wow is a theater collective of women & transpeople created for us to have a "safe space" to create any kind of art that we want to. All members of the collective gain sweat equity by working, producing, & hming the shows of fellow members. When a member has gained enough equity, they can submit a request to produce a show of their own.
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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09.23: learning lessons (patience)

Two days ago, I was told that my UE benefits had been held up because my former employer had protested my claim. [For those who don't know] When that happens, your claim is put on hold while an examiner goes over the claim to decide whether it is valid. Ie they decide when and if you get your benefits. But its not until you have made a claim for 3 weeks (a month in reality) that the "service people" can give you a direct number. Before that time you can only wait on hold for 45 or so minutes to be transferred to "their extension" (aka an answering machine) That was my Thursday (9.22)
Today I call back. Because wtf else am I going to do with my day? After requesting to be transferred to an examiner, the "service person" informs me that a decision has been made on my case. "Wonderful! " I think to myself while inquiring what it was. "I can't tell you, you have to wait for the letter to come in the mail sometime next week". WHAT??? At that point I am livid, and launch a barrage of questions full force in my white voice to no avail. The phone call ends with me even more tense than I started. More worried for myself then I have been for myself in a long time. But I continue on with my day with my little girl, this news weighing on my mind. I fall asleep about half way through nap time and although I don't know for certain, I'm sure I had a bad dream based around the possibility that I might be homeless within the day. Because I woke up in the black space. The realm of helplessness, a.k.a. "woe is me" land. That's probably why when I approached my landlady Rosa with calm conversation she stayed stern on her "pay up or get out" platform. In hindsight, I know it was my brief escape into negativity that set me up for failure later in the day. The irony of what's to follow is possibly due to a vigorous rant the universe (or God, whatever name you'd like to use) & some very real tears of frustration. Once calm, I decided to make a sacrifice for the sake of a roof over my head. I would sell my Xbox360 Kinect, knowing I could get an approximate total of $130 (or so I thought initially) for the system, Kinect attachment & 3 games I still had. Thinking I could easily borrow $25 from a friend to cover the rest of what I needed. Not a decision I made easily nor happily. A decisions that I instantly regretted but failed to stop from happening while I had the chance. Because an hour later I get off the train to hear a message from my mother letting me know, with joy in her voice, that she is going to send me my rent money when she gets off work. "SHIIIIIIITT!!!!"
Even though I had spent $6 of the $93 (word!! Wtf?!?) I received from my trade -in and tried to think of a way to replace it so I could get my beloved Xbox back. I hop on the bus to my destination laughing hysterically at the irony that is my life, allowing the idea of reversing my transaction that day slip out of the realm of possibility.

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I just had to get this off my chest

Not to sound racist but this temporarily pissed me off.
The white lady at the rally behind me tells her friend how important it is that they be here and we (as a people) need to eliminate the death penalty because it could happen to any of us at anytime. And all I could do is scream because this won't happen to any of you EVER. As long as you are white, you remain covered by the underlying atmosphere of privilege in this country. You will always get the benefit of the doubt.
But on the other hand.. So glad you came out to show and voice your support.
(*deep breath*)
Love & Light

09.14: taking action

Today I spent some time by myself. What was meant to be me heading to a 2pm yoga class turned into me having an inspired thought to walk through my current neighborhood. (Thanks for the hold time tmobile) Inwood, my temporary adopted home. I'm only partially sad to admit I've never really explored this part of the city before. And now I'm glad I did. Walking down broadway along Fort Tyron park was so beautiful, almost like a state of meditation.

It gave me time to consider what it is it would take for me to allow myself to be happy in this life. Beyond the generic answers of love, a good income, shelter, health, etc. This path was more specific. Like what talents do I already possess that I can develop further in order to make a living from? What do I love to do more than anything else? What can I teach myself to do? And on and on I went. I came up with a longer list than expected. I settled on the fact that photography is something I already possess a talent & eye for & love to do. Music, writing, wardrobe styling & hair styling are also among my top 10 answers. I came to a conclusion that I know a lot more that I give myself credit for. I also recognized that I know a lot less than I am comfortable with. I came to the decision that while a couple of classes and some major reading is in order, so is action. Meaning that every free moment I have should be dedicated to developing these interests into revenue streams for myself. Another thing I need to do more is self promotion.. Facebook and various other social networking sites are cool but I realize I don't have that many friends. Or rather I don't have that many friends that really care about my art like that AND I don't have enough connections to get in any place to showcase my art. I also just don't promote myself enough...
Now as I sit & write this I am dedicating myself to taking more action within my life & career path. It may does include getting a hrly wage job just to pay bills and pay for the equipment I need but its okay. This time I will not allow myself to get wrapped up in the money I'm making (or not making) because its not my career path. I won't be tied up in stress' that aren't mine. I will be using all my free time (and borrowed camera time) to shoot as much as possible to build my portfolio. I will develop enough content and clients for a portfolio site of my own. I will make a clear laid out business plan of how I want to shape my do-it-all entertainment network/company, RAW. I will continue to write everyday, as much as I can; as much as I am inspired to write. I will read up on all the things I do not know. I will continue to sneak into classes at my former college and learn for free. Basically I will do, not just think. And this time I won't stop or give up.
Love & Light

09.13: asserting independence over the past

It just occurred to me that while on the phone today, my mom said to me that "we need to have a plan because I've tried it someone else's way and it didn't work. So its time I listen to her so we can have a plan to help me get my shit together." And it struck me, this woman has listened to nothing I've said about being on vacation for the next 6 months and being an artist. Meaning that I will contribute a portion of my weekly UE to her household. While saving $ out of every check and pursuing an existence I love & am proud of. And giving J full access (& in a way control) to my financial situation. A very scary prospect but at least I'm sure it can't get much worse because my family's needs will be met.
That's when I realized that I am still a child to my mother and I might always remain as such. Especially the longer I remain dependent on her support. It really makes me reconsider splitting up my family and moving across the country to be with her. Because I must now consider the prospect of my artistic dream come true being crushed by a non-believer, again.
Not many people know this but I have a beautiful & powerful singing voice. I get it from my mother, a once semi-famous 70's soul singer. When I was a young child until about adolescence, all I wanted to do was sing. I would sing all day and all night. Every club or extra circular I did in school revolved around music. That was until it came time for me to choose a high school.
My music teacher in middle school was the best. Mr. Ghengis Nor, a big, tough, man who knew his music and even more, knew talent. He saw it in me and my entire 8th grade year he prepped me for auditions for various performing arts high schools. He helped me to nourish the dreams I held in my heart until the night my mother crushed them. I remember sitting up all night before the deadline for handing in the applications for high school preferences. Every school on my list was a performing arts school. I handed the application to my mother to sign and was met with anger. Of all the reactions I expected, anger wasn't one of them. She was so upset (not disappointed, genuinely angered) by my choices that she dug around in her room until she found $5 and sent me out at 1am to find a store that sold white out so I could do my application over. As much as I wish she was playing, she was serious. She refused to sign it until I changed every school on the form. And so out I went. After 7 blocks and 5 bodegas I hopped the train to my grandmothers house. (At the time I wasn't allowed to live there, but that's another story.) Seeing me at the door at such a late hour in my pajamas and a coat confused her, but she welcomed me with open arms, hot tea and no questions. And there in my granny's antique bed, I laid in her arms and cried myself to sleep. 2 or 3 hours later my mom (finally) realized I wasn't where I should have been and she came to retrieve me and bring me back. Reluctantly I left with her, leaving my hopes soaked in my grandmothers pillows. We got home and I changed the schools on the application. The next day I handed it in to a puzzled guidance counselor, quit the chorus, and I never sang again.
I share that story because for me to tell it now, I can finally let go of the hold my mom has on me and my thought process. There was a period of my time where I forgot the fucked up effect she has had on my thought process in life. In no way do I mean to suggest that all my mistakes are her fault, but she has contributed a lot of the negative thinking that I've held on to for a long time. I share these thinks to regain control over myself. To say it IS ok and good to dream, to hope, and to believe in the dreams I hold in my heart. It is okay to want to be successful in a happy I love my life kind of way and not just successful in the practical way of life.
I'm an adult now, I have long life ahead of me. And I'd rather try and fail, then try again than ever let anyone talk me out of or take away my happiness.
Love & Light

09.12: pride

My latest episodic addiction is the AMC show Mad Men. Its set in the world of an advertising form beginning in the 60's (aka the golden age of advertising). Anyway I'm a fan mostly for the fashions of the time. I love the way that a button down shirt & slacks wasn't considered "dressy", it was just normal clothing worn daily by all people.
I look around sometimes and wonder what has happened to the standards in our society. What ever happened to being presentable at all times. Even the unemployed & dirt poor back in the day had at least a shirt, tie & slacks. It may not have been a top brand but they had it. I would guess the short answer could be the invention of the jean pant. But even that's not an excuse to wear them half way to your ankles.
As I'm passing judgment... Today I looked in the mirror and wondered what happened to my standards of appearance. Someone the other day paid me a compliment by expressing their respect & admiration for the fact that I still remain fashionable, no matter what.
At first I didn't agree because to me its not an effort, its just getting dressed. Until I had a couple down days, got lazy and started watching Mad Men. Now I've definitely restarted my fashion bum/misfit action on a daily basis. I understood at that moment that I bring the unexpected to motherhood. I don't act nor look like the "mommy" type. My body is in good shape, I am up on all the latest fashion trends, my kids are clean & presentable, and I am pursuing the artist life I've always wanted to have. And no one expects any of that because even in these modern times most mothers still [tend to] throw their identities to the wind, forgetting who they are as a woman in favor appearing more motherly. The extra effort it takes to put together a well coordinated outfit sometimes comes off as being too self-involved, selfish even. But I am here to say to all those women that it IS okay to still be a woman. It is okay to be fashionable, in shape, intelligent, sexy, witty & self-satisfying. A selfish statement I know, but its the truth. Because at the end of it all your kids mostly learn from watching what you do. No matter what you tell them, they primarily will take their lessons from watching your actions. I for one would (will) be very proud to raise a strong young woman that's just like her mother or better. And I know it all beings with me being proud of who I am.

Love & Light