Wake up & smell the coffee [12.31 delayed post]

Today someone told me I needed to "grow up & accept life", as if believeing that two people that love each other, is childish. I should have known better then to talk to this person because she is a friend of my (soon to be ex-)husband. She is not my friend. She is also blessed to have someone in her life that actually loves her. Her spouse seems to understand that you must work through problems together to solve them. While my spouse is content to run away. To dump hope and vows on the waste side and move on to ruin someone else's life. What she, and he, and everyone else telling me to "be strong" fail to realize is that divorce had never been an option for me until he forced it on me. I never considered it as an option. Because a broken home is/was not an acceptable station in life to put my children in. Its weak to say I can't do better then this for them. To say that our family is not worth the effort or time it takes to have a real and lasting relationship.
I know I just saying this because I am hurt. I am dead on the inside, to the point where I would prefer to not live through this. Everyday I wish I'd have just let him kill my body three years ago so that my heart, mind, and children didn't have to go through this now. I hate this. But it doesn't matter. What i want, believe, hope for. And as much as I am magic, I can't conjur a solution that doesn't result in him still leaving me.

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

NWW- Wants

Right now I want to be angry. At him, at myself, at her; the failure of my marriage, my loss of home, sense of security, threads of mental stability, the lies, betrayals, abuses, absurdities and lack of regular sexual contact with another human.
But I can't.
I literally can't. I feel the emotions begin to swell from time to time but dissapaite by the time they've reached my brain to be processed into words. I don't know how or when it happened..  Maybe New Years Eve?  possibly from the moment I took off from Vegas.. I have no clue. I do know that somewhere in this past month, I turned a corner. I am not a desperate, lonely, fearful, angry, spiteful girl. I am a quiet, motivated, inspired, driven, focused woman following her vision. I'm not hung up not tied to my past any longer. I see past mistakes before I repeat them and have consistantly chosen a different response.

Case in point: A week ago, I was able to endulge my stalker fantasies and dillusions of marital duty, and loom on J's FB page for the first time since July. Back in the summer, he deleted me to "protect his company from our personal bullsh*t storms"; which had escalated to previously unseen heights. (lets just leave it at that;  it was bad). I understood that, and thought nothing of it since I still shared a computer with him & could loom on his various pages any time I pleased. However, once both laptops were broken, his phone became the only source of internet available. Fast forward to last week. I'm cruising along on my stalking spree, when I scroll back through his post to September. There it sits, a picture of our children; my children hugging & playing with O. My daughter draped from her neck like a Jesus piece on display. My son, our son, hugged her thighs, his tiny hands probably cupping her ass. Looking at that picture, reading all the "congrats" from people I had once considered friends, seeing J flaunt her with our kids, praising her as his saving grace, his "tomorrow"; I damn near passes out from the flood of anger spreading through me.
At this point, you may be saying 'aren't you two divorced?" Why get upset?"  The picture was dated 2 months before I was even informed that he had decided to move on with his life . Meaning he was parading our kids through his new relationship, without ant regard for the marriage he was in. People I thought were friends,we're just as fake as he was then. It hurt that he was out and about with her explaining away a marriage he preferred not to have. Replacing me with her without a second thought. At first I was embarassed to be the last to know. At that moment though, looking at that picture, I was defeated. I had been made a fool of and  Now I can write about it with no shade. That night, staring at that picture I had a choice to make. I could get upset and blow up or I could leave it be and continue to move on with my life. I chose the latter, it served me well.
Even now while he continues to act in the same manner as before ; i.e. combative & secretive, I remain cool, calm, & collected. Viewing the bigger picture for once. It serves me to be calm and remaun focused. I channel my energiea into my art. Eventually I will love again, probably not the same way I loved him. No one will/can ever again have that much of me but eventually someone will prove I am worth it. And it will be a love that both serves me and deserves me.

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

#newyearnewview

"when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
A timeless truth to life and the universe. For about 20 mins I was bumbed because I had thought that the circumstance if having no money, would have hindered my ability to have a "good new year."
Believing in magic and superstition as I do, I believe in the theory that how you begin your year is how you spend it. And I thought I would be spending 2013 stuck, if I couldn't get to where I was going. Then, ever so wisely, my dad said to me "maybe you'll just be travelling this year". Bing! Bang! Boom!  My mind flashed. I finished his sentence, the above quote. So now I am on the train to brooklyn. Rethinking everything about my situation.
  Its really time for a new view. Not a new me, just an adjustment in how I look and react to things. A change to the energy I carry, distribute and receive. A change to how I become the person of greatness I see myself becomming.
Starting with today. Today it becomes official when I go to sign the divorce papers. For the last year I've been crying, allowing myself to attribute it to love. From a different view, I see it has been my spirits way of mourning a lost love. He woll always be the image I hold in my heart because at his.core, he is a good man. But maybe he's not the right partner for me. From this alternate view, I am okay with that. As of today, my ties to him are gone. I know because of the shift I feel inside my skin. I see his face and no longer see that man I loved. And I'm ok. Even better, I am good. I know its okay to let go.
Today I am free. I set myself free from worry, guilt, fear, doubt, hypocracy, arrogance, anger, jealousy & irrational hatred. I will become the change I want to see in the world. Starting with this:  changing my view.

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

Happy Anniversary

Today was my 3rd anniversary. A day most couples celebrate with equal or greater excitement then the actual day they were married. Most couples.
But I spent today alone. Working and continuing to mentally prepare for the journey ahead. Out of sentementality, I called him up for a late dinner. A last ditch effort for peace between us. Now I'm wondering why I did it in the first place. Why I would expect my tears to fall on anything but deaf ears and dirty floors.
I listened to him speak tonight about his job. Let him drone on and on, drowning out the voices around us. For a few moments it was like normal. It was a glipse of the past, yet lacking none of the present tension. At first I did well to hold it in. I wouldn't let myself close my eyes and get lost in the silky tone of his voice. I didn't let my mind wander off on fantastical flights of fancy. Hoping for a change of heart in this heartless being. I even asked him to pay for his meal. Resisting the temptation to spend what little I had on us, as if we are still a real couple. Then he walked me to the train, and as hard as I could, I asked questions I needed to know. Bad mistake. I only led myself down the path of being tormented by words so old that it was made absolutely clear exactly where he is. He is in the past. As if wrapped up in delayed anger, he  sends razor blades to still my heart. Still justifying his obvious need for total control with things I said two & three years ago.

I fall supseptable to my own curiosity once more. And while I have no idea what I want, I now know for sure that I no longer want someone who doesn't want me. I am sure that I'd rather contibue through this hell alone then hope for redemption from ny bleeding heart. I'd rather be his villan then his victim.

C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com

Why Forgive?

I've just began reading a book called 'why forgive'. I figure, what do I really have to lose? I've lost everything, at some point, I must lay down my arms and regroup. Restore the infrastructure of my souls queendom.
The hard part is what do you do when someone doesn't want yout forgiveness? When they feel absolutely justified in everything they have ever done? What then? How do I digest that? How do I not allow it to permeate my inner most thoughts, as to not disturb the newly aquired peace?  I'm hoping that one day when I sort through all of it, I will gain the answers to these questions.
Although, I notice that as I am forgiving, i am becoming physically lighter. It sounds silly but its real. My body feels like a layer is being peeled off, in a refreshing sort of way.  Its different. I like it. And I'm hoping that when I finally get to the core, I become so light that I float.
J§

Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez invites you to Art Love(h)er Poetic Mic Series (Repeating Event)

Hello Untitled, You are invited to the following event: Art Love(h)er Poetic Mic Series Event to be held at the following time, date, and location: Multiple Dates Plugs Media Lounge 901 Atlantic Ave New York, NY 11238 View Map Attend Event Share this event: "Art is a gift that needs to be shared" -Anonymous   Here it is folks, the forum you've been burning & yearning for!! Art Lov(h)er Poetic Series is a collaboration between Plugs Media Lounge and JeSansChez to bring artists of all genres together.... Read More Share this event on Facebook and Twitter We hope you can make it! Cheers, Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez

This invitation was sent to cjoisanchez.damaged@blogger.com by Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez the organizer. To stop receiving invitations from this organizer, you can unsubscribe.
Eventbrite | 651 Brannan St. Suite 110 | San Francisco, CA 94107

Tears of regret

Children are a blessing.
I'm grateful to have two.
Healthy
Smart
Beautiful
One boy
One girl
All sunshine

But to a broken heart
Children are a curse of unending torment
A constant reminder that we
Were once loved
So much
The universe granted permission for us to create them.
Leaving no love that can ever compare

J§

When is enough, enough?

I keep asking myself how long I will need to get through this emotional shitsandwich situation. Because I understand that I am responsibile for my current reality. I know that by fighting all of my common sense, i have possibly cause irrepriable damage to my family and to myself.

My knee will get better in time. Its a temporary pain. One that I can and will work through. But my heart is another story. It'd my theory that my heart is dying. The more I try to let go of the past, the less the present and future matter any more. My heart slows. It creaks and heaves like an old house. Supported only by ghosts of love and hopes of reconciliation. And the moment I let go of those things, it will cease to exist. Love will go back to being another silly fairy tale we talk ourselves into believing. An imaginary delight not a realistic possibility in my lifetime.
I feel it already begining. The return to a jaded abyss. The place where cynicism is the official language. Numbness is the every day forcast. I feel it happening and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

And there lies the source of the problem. Him. The one person i really truly allowed myself to fully love. The one I married because I couldn't imagine life without him. The only person I ever believed could/did accept me flaws and all. As much as he tries to convince me of how horrible I was to him, I can't see it. Maybe because its me analyzing myself. Maybe because he's making mountains out of molehills. I know comparitively there is no contest. I don't hold a candle to his inferno of hurtful actions and manipulation against me over the past 5 years. Yet even asbhe continues, I still want to fight for us. Fight against his psychology that there is no repairing the damage done. I don't believe that. Because thats not what marriage is. Thats not the vow I took. Thats not who I am. And I'm not  able to move on to some next person and start life over again with them. Thats not the deal I signed on for. I wish he knew that. I wish he believed it too. I wish we weren't so comfortable in perpetuating these barbed wired cycles of broken homes and hearts. I want better foe our children. So why can't we give it to them?
J§

Lesson time!

Dear Saturn,
Its been a long while since i've written. For no good reason i have been keeping myself silent.  For more then a month,  i have remained silent. And for what? There's no progress in that.  Atleast not for someone who is a writer. I have used  writing all my life to get through things, so why should i stop now? Does it matter that much what someone else thinks? If someone in my life feels the need to begin arguments and berate/belittle me for every word i've ever written, should it make a difference? If it means i muffle my own expression, is it really the right choice to make? The answer to these questions is what brought me back to writing.
As this chapter of my life ends, all i feel is pain. In every conceivablr way, from emotionally to physically, i feel pain. My spirit feels as if it is on fire. Ablaze in flames that can only be quashed with blood & tears. Before i reach my 30th year, i am sure i will have shed a bit of both. Despite all the positive energy i can muster, i know this as a fact. I am finally okay with that.
Last week i found the pleasure in the pain. I learned that i can take it, no matter how bad it gets. I can take it. I will take it because at the end of this whole thing, i will shine. I will have become the spiritual equivalent of a diamond. I will be too strong to ever break again. My enemies and those who see me as theirs, will be exposed as fools when they come against me with their hate filled actions.
I will not deter from my purpose. In this last year of my 20's, i have learned my purpose. Its the reason behind choosing to follow my bliss and not be controlled by what debts we have. They will be there. What won't be there is another chance to see my children at the beginnnings of who they are becomming. I am so so happy that now when i go to PTC's or talk on the phone to his teachers, i actually have input of value to offer. I'm not having to try to not look lost when talking about my own children. I know them and they know me. I have time to spend with them, not be dozing off between yellings. I laugh, play, and read with them. I get to enjoy my children; every single day i am apart of their day.
I am renewing my personal commitment  to not miss one day. Even if its just for a 15 min visit, i need to be apart of their every day. The thing i am greatful for, is that they are now both old enough to know that i don't want to leave. I am accepting of this situation but by no means satisfied with it. It is what it is until it isn't any more. This work will pay off; so i continue to do it.
Love & Light,
J§

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

I'm s hobbling around on this crutch. Baby father is acting like a (insert adjective of choice here).  Job is picking up (so happily i won't be camera-less much longer). And my next show is right around the corner. As well as the need to finish pieces for an upcoming gallery show i'm features in. Not to mention, the holidays coming up.  Whooo!

Just writing that paragraph made my brain freak out just a bit. It seems my Saturn is a jokester. The better my professional life, the worse my personal life. I came to this conclusion after deep reflection on the first half of my saturn. Now that i am exactly 29 & 1/2 years old, i am at the turning point. That place where you can see where you went wrong by refusing to accept the reality of the your Saturn's lessons.

Earlier this year, i was ready to not be with J for a while, but i realize i didn't equate it with divorce because from the outlook of a marriage, this was just one of those bad times we go through. Something we would get through. But i was wrong. Like so many other times i had hope, i was wrong. We're getting divorced. For real. At first i was upset, so furious over the culmination of crap happening simulatneously that i lashed out in anger. I was losing the only stability in my life, the one person/relationship i could depend on, losing my family, lost my money maker, lost my home, and temporarily the use of my leg. Instead of allowing myself to begin the healing process, i just dug into the wound. Caused more pain on top of it, only to end up hurting myself again. And now he's trying to use that hurt against me by suing for full custody of our children, only allowing me supervised visitation rights. As if it is a necessary action. He defends it like a constitutional right. As if without this ridiculousness I'd ever be callous enough to keep our kids from him. Why would I relive history when my purpose is to rewrite it?
J§