jan17th

today was a good day, i woke up  less aloof to my feelings on this whole new circumstance of life. I have been trying to cage myself for so long. there is something relieving about being alone. now i wish i would have gotten a train ticket instead of a flight out. i know niya will be moody (to say the least) in the upcomming weeks, but i also know she just needs time to adjust. just like i will. a week going through the county rather than over it, seems like a better choice. but on the other hand, i know myself. and as much as i am trying to change, i know it is better to get to my mother as soon as possible, because i have a lot of healing to do. and only another woman  can help me.   i need her love, and her care. most of all, i know she needs mine. she needs me. i don't know how i know. other than to say i feel it inside. in my soul. i have dreams about her that rock me. i can call her at just the precise moment, she needs help. not physically being there for her is enough to make me know that me leaving to be with her is the best thing i can possibly do for myself or for my family.
hmmm.. family, so much come us with just the mention of that single word. i like many other people are tethered to feelings of the past. there is always a history with family. i am convinced the more that i live, that a family is not blood alone. and just because you're blood, doesn't always make you family. but i digress. four years ago i created my own family; with j. two like minded individuals, created life and agreed to provide any and everything that life needed or wanted by any means necessary. at least, that is how i view it now. us setting out to do this, the most complex thing in the history of mankind. the most fragile thing, most important thing. five years later it's 2012 and i am moving to las vegas with my daughter while he stays here with our son.