jan15

i read the writings of a friend and was reminded of brown bodies. the night of movement, when packed into a room for fellowship, i was destroyed and healed in the same day. today my affirmation read that every person dies and is reborn a million times or more in their lifetime. It states that most people do not or can not accept the inevitability of death. The fact that it will happen at some point or another. Therefore those people never change. Today I open my heart and mind to be aware that  without death there can be no change. All things will remain the same. today i remember that i have died and will continue to die each day that i continue to grow. to learn to be better than i was before.
today i finally got a reply from a person i hadn't heard from in a long time; too long of a time. my best friend, sean. the one person who since i met had always been in my corner, the one person who would always push me the right way. she always had my back until the day she was suddenly gone. i knew she was moving away to seclusion to work on her album, so it didn't surprise me when i hadn't heard from her for the initial 2-3 months. our friendship has lasted through longer periods of not being in communication. but when it approached almost 6 months, i started to get worried. and then i posted on her facebook wall and saw her communication with other friends. so i satisfied my curious green eyed monster and snooped. (word to the wise, never snoop.. it never ends well) so i snooped, and put 2 and 2 together, and understood that she was willfully ignoring me. she was intentionally avoiding my calls, visits, emails,  etc. the moment of  epiphany was earth shattering. all i could do was sit in a corner, balled up and balling like a newborn. it was the moment i truly felt alone, like i had really been abandoned because i've never had the thought of "what if she leaves me?". not as if we were a couple but in a way she has been the longest standing relationship in my life. from the moment we met, we were bonded in a friendship.15 years later, we remain friends, so to know she has finally grown fed up with me, is a wake up call to re-examine what is wrong there. i remember once i told her i loved her, and she was ever so sweet to shake it off and let me down easy. but  my love for her has never ended and never will as long as i live. i hope that one day we will clear the air between us. that we will again unite and be friends again. and knowing her, we will. i just need to give her some time.