Dreams vs. Reality

For the past two weeks I have had almost the same dream 6 times. It always begins the same; its my birthday and I'm sky diving for the 1st time. My husband, jose, is the only one who comes for moral support despite us being separated. So I nervously step into the plane, and a few minutes later jump to what I am sure is certain death. But it's not death, its freedom from everything holding me back. My mind becomes as clear as the beautiful spring day. I land two footed and renewed to see the only face there to greet me. He asks me how I feel and I reply "I want a divorce". Now its at this point in the dream where the scenario changes every time. Sometimes he kills me, sometimes he whips out money and throws it at me. In one variation, he has the actual papers in his pocket for me to sign. Every time it ends differently but always begins the same.
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
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People around me keep asking how I'll be celebrating Mother's day this year. My response is usually "work". And when I think about it, do I really even deserve to be celebrated? Sure, I gave birth to two beautiful, intelligent, curious, energetic, amazingly talented children. But this year I can't say honestly to myself or anyone else that I've been a mom worthy or praise. I'm so not the believer of the idea that people deserve things just because. And while its wonderful that anyone would praise my efforts in motherhood. If this were a class, I'm sure I'd be failing.
For starters I spend 60% of my time either at work or asleep. Even when I lived with my kids our time was limited to random afternoons and my days off. That's only if I got the sleep I needed. Last month I decided to leave their father and the residence we shared, leaving all the burden on him to carry. I left him but hurt them in the process. I left them to "fix me". How selfish is that? Granted I remind myself that I am becoming a better person for them. But its not as if I've entered rehab or some mental facility, I just left. No explanation that I could (or do) give could be enough to heal their hearts. Regardless of whether I toss in bed every night thinking of them and longing to hold them in my arms, it doesn't matter because I'm not there. Not everyday like I should be. Like a good mom would be. Its the eternal struggle of womanhood it seems. To endure an existence of nonexistence for the sake of your children's joy or to rip it all to shreds in search of your own and eventually theirs. Does the end justify the means?
I left knowing the hurt I'd cause and did it anyway because I can't be good to them if I'm not good to begin with. A person so full of hurt can (and will) only hurt those around them if they remain so. And time is proving that I made the "right" decision for me right now but what about us? What about them? Will they eventually forgive me for abandoning them? Will they overlook the months they couldn't cry on my shoulders? Will they forgive me for not being there when they wake up sick in the middle of the night and I'm not there to comfort them? There's so many questions that run through my mind. And I pretend to not feel the repercussions of my actions, until I am alone laying in the dark holding my pillow wishing it was my little girl. Wishing I could be holding my son's hand as he lays figiting besides me fighting the onslaught of sleep. There are nights I get off early enough to be there at bed time and so I go there and damn near get lost in their essence every time. What it doesn't take to pull me away from the peace they provide.
One day, I hope it will be better. I will be better for them. And maybe we'll end up one big happy. Until that day, I won't celebrate that which I do not deserve.
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I'm starting to lose my passion for my job. I realized this today while sitting through a meeting where little input was sought and all feedback I provided was seen as an attack. It concluded with me wondering why I was promoted in the first place. Or better yet why I accepted it. What I often hear is how much I'm not doing as a manager. At least not as an individual but as apart of a team with weak links. I don't need nor seek recognition for every little thing but a person does get tired of hearing only the negative, especially if they're not apart of the problem. It only makes me think that my efforts are for naught. What's the point of doing a good job or pushing myself to develop if I'm only to be lumped into the group which is seen as failures. Further more how am I expected to grow with little tutelage or training. I'm a smart person but even I know everything can't be learned in books. At some point someone needs to coach me the way I am supposed to coach associates. Its fine though. I'm starting to learn that if I fuck up, I can expect a warning and if I do good then expect nothing. it just makes me think, is this the place for me? Before I thought it was but everyday I'm less and less sure. I really hate that I'm starting to see this job in terms of a paycheck and not an opportunity to grow further like I did before. Its not a comforting thought. I didn't think I'd get to this place of acceptance so quickly. I really expected to be excited everyday to be coming to a place I loved working. Maybe I just don't fit into management. And that would be okay, but then the next step would be to decide exactly how I need to proceed to remain satisfied and not stagnant.
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The saddest part is always leaving. Its not until I must say goodbye that the sadness hit me. I walk solemnly to my next destination always regretting the decision to leave.

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Editor's note

* in my last post I referred to my company as straight. This was NOT an assumption of her sexuality (I don't know which way the wind blows) I was just referring to her demeanor as a "good girl", I.e. Straight & narrow..
I hope no one took offense
Thanks
JSC
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#451 (I get it, duh...)

Its hard to believe that to get as drunk as I was last night and I woke up today remembering almost everything. I remember being a very wavy walker but sobering up once I received a call from my store's security company. Then immediately returning to drunk when I got on the train. I remember inviting someone to a party I thought would be epic (and was in a grown up way) and seeing the boredom ooze from their face from the moment we met up. I remember asking a friend to meet up and that not happening because I had no reception.
I remember these things and write them down because there were lessons there. One is don't invite people you don't really know to things with people you do really know. Their idea of a good time could be wholly different from yours. Especially if that person is younger and completely straight. And out of courtesy & respect they'll never tell you or fully express how bored they are. But a good sign is maintained silence, constantly checking/sending text messages (or just playing with one's phone), also an awkward tension in the air. This makes the person no less good or fun but as a first time chilling, the venue should always be considered.
I also learned that my paranoia/fear of far fetched scenarios is seriously out of control. I learned from the last two weeks or so that I have spent so much time separated from the world that I developed what could be considered a phobia of it and the people in it. When I interact with strangers now, its more introverted, less social, more awkward, almost forced. That is until I've had a drink or two. I do, however, still dance by myself anywhere to any beat, but I'm drunk it can get sloppy. Someone told me its attention seeking to dance the way I do, I see it as therapy. My alternative to days when I don't make it to yoga or the gym, I make my way to a dance floor and get lost in a rhythm. I let the beats overtake my subconscious and guide all the stress out of my body. It feels good. It makes me feel good. So perhaps my performance art should include some dancing.
The third and final thing I learned about myself is that once I do get past my own self-doubt, I'm a really cool person that people do like. In one night I have learned that I allow my fear to control me and I need to stop. More often then not, I'm the one creating that awkward tension that I feel in the air. Once I clear my mind of all that crap, I'm golden.
Which leads me to the moral of the night: no one cares how you live your life, people only get annoyed with you when you keep changing your mind. When you can't be categorized, they don't know what box to put you in. And that's okay cause there is a world full of people who live outside the box that will party right alongside you.
Thanks Saturn for these lessons. I'll try harder to apply them to my life everyday.
-JSC
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Just enough time

One year. A lot of things can/do change within a year's time. I remember being pregnant and in a year being a size 4 again. I remember fighting until 3am and a year later sitting in silence. So in thinking about how long I need to take to figure this stuff out, I'd say a year if I had to put a time frame on it.
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In search of..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
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Parts of me..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
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3am

This is why I shouldn't sleep all day, because now I can't sleep. And the next 3 days I close.
Now is the real test to see if I'll wake up for my 10:30 call time at the gym. Time to see if I can't stick with this when someone isn't here to wake me constantly.
Stay tuned.. More saturn adventures to come...
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