People around me keep asking how I'll be celebrating Mother's day this year. My response is usually "work". And when I think about it, do I really even deserve to be celebrated? Sure, I gave birth to two beautiful, intelligent, curious, energetic, amazingly talented children. But this year I can't say honestly to myself or anyone else that I've been a mom worthy or praise. I'm so not the believer of the idea that people deserve things just because. And while its wonderful that anyone would praise my efforts in motherhood. If this were a class, I'm sure I'd be failing.
For starters I spend 60% of my time either at work or asleep. Even when I lived with my kids our time was limited to random afternoons and my days off. That's only if I got the sleep I needed. Last month I decided to leave their father and the residence we shared, leaving all the burden on him to carry. I left him but hurt them in the process. I left them to "fix me". How selfish is that? Granted I remind myself that I am becoming a better person for them. But its not as if I've entered rehab or some mental facility, I just left. No explanation that I could (or do) give could be enough to heal their hearts. Regardless of whether I toss in bed every night thinking of them and longing to hold them in my arms, it doesn't matter because I'm not there. Not everyday like I should be. Like a good mom would be. Its the eternal struggle of womanhood it seems. To endure an existence of nonexistence for the sake of your children's joy or to rip it all to shreds in search of your own and eventually theirs. Does the end justify the means?
I left knowing the hurt I'd cause and did it anyway because I can't be good to them if I'm not good to begin with. A person so full of hurt can (and will) only hurt those around them if they remain so. And time is proving that I made the "right" decision for me right now but what about us? What about them? Will they eventually forgive me for abandoning them? Will they overlook the months they couldn't cry on my shoulders? Will they forgive me for not being there when they wake up sick in the middle of the night and I'm not there to comfort them? There's so many questions that run through my mind. And I pretend to not feel the repercussions of my actions, until I am alone laying in the dark holding my pillow wishing it was my little girl. Wishing I could be holding my son's hand as he lays figiting besides me fighting the onslaught of sleep. There are nights I get off early enough to be there at bed time and so I go there and damn near get lost in their essence every time. What it doesn't take to pull me away from the peace they provide.
One day, I hope it will be better. I will be better for them. And maybe we'll end up one big happy. Until that day, I won't celebrate that which I do not deserve.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I'm starting to lose my passion for my job. I realized this today while sitting through a meeting where little input was sought and all feedback I provided was seen as an attack. It concluded with me wondering why I was promoted in the first place. Or better yet why I accepted it. What I often hear is how much I'm not doing as a manager. At least not as an individual but as apart of a team with weak links. I don't need nor seek recognition for every little thing but a person does get tired of hearing only the negative, especially if they're not apart of the problem. It only makes me think that my efforts are for naught. What's the point of doing a good job or pushing myself to develop if I'm only to be lumped into the group which is seen as failures. Further more how am I expected to grow with little tutelage or training. I'm a smart person but even I know everything can't be learned in books. At some point someone needs to coach me the way I am supposed to coach associates. Its fine though. I'm starting to learn that if I fuck up, I can expect a warning and if I do good then expect nothing. it just makes me think, is this the place for me? Before I thought it was but everyday I'm less and less sure. I really hate that I'm starting to see this job in terms of a paycheck and not an opportunity to grow further like I did before. Its not a comforting thought. I didn't think I'd get to this place of acceptance so quickly. I really expected to be excited everyday to be coming to a place I loved working. Maybe I just don't fit into management. And that would be okay, but then the next step would be to decide exactly how I need to proceed to remain satisfied and not stagnant.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The saddest part is always leaving. Its not until I must say goodbye that the sadness hit me. I walk solemnly to my next destination always regretting the decision to leave.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Editor's note

* in my last post I referred to my company as straight. This was NOT an assumption of her sexuality (I don't know which way the wind blows) I was just referring to her demeanor as a "good girl", I.e. Straight & narrow..
I hope no one took offense
Thanks
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#451 (I get it, duh...)

Its hard to believe that to get as drunk as I was last night and I woke up today remembering almost everything. I remember being a very wavy walker but sobering up once I received a call from my store's security company. Then immediately returning to drunk when I got on the train. I remember inviting someone to a party I thought would be epic (and was in a grown up way) and seeing the boredom ooze from their face from the moment we met up. I remember asking a friend to meet up and that not happening because I had no reception.
I remember these things and write them down because there were lessons there. One is don't invite people you don't really know to things with people you do really know. Their idea of a good time could be wholly different from yours. Especially if that person is younger and completely straight. And out of courtesy & respect they'll never tell you or fully express how bored they are. But a good sign is maintained silence, constantly checking/sending text messages (or just playing with one's phone), also an awkward tension in the air. This makes the person no less good or fun but as a first time chilling, the venue should always be considered.
I also learned that my paranoia/fear of far fetched scenarios is seriously out of control. I learned from the last two weeks or so that I have spent so much time separated from the world that I developed what could be considered a phobia of it and the people in it. When I interact with strangers now, its more introverted, less social, more awkward, almost forced. That is until I've had a drink or two. I do, however, still dance by myself anywhere to any beat, but I'm drunk it can get sloppy. Someone told me its attention seeking to dance the way I do, I see it as therapy. My alternative to days when I don't make it to yoga or the gym, I make my way to a dance floor and get lost in a rhythm. I let the beats overtake my subconscious and guide all the stress out of my body. It feels good. It makes me feel good. So perhaps my performance art should include some dancing.
The third and final thing I learned about myself is that once I do get past my own self-doubt, I'm a really cool person that people do like. In one night I have learned that I allow my fear to control me and I need to stop. More often then not, I'm the one creating that awkward tension that I feel in the air. Once I clear my mind of all that crap, I'm golden.
Which leads me to the moral of the night: no one cares how you live your life, people only get annoyed with you when you keep changing your mind. When you can't be categorized, they don't know what box to put you in. And that's okay cause there is a world full of people who live outside the box that will party right alongside you.
Thanks Saturn for these lessons. I'll try harder to apply them to my life everyday.
-JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Just enough time

One year. A lot of things can/do change within a year's time. I remember being pregnant and in a year being a size 4 again. I remember fighting until 3am and a year later sitting in silence. So in thinking about how long I need to take to figure this stuff out, I'd say a year if I had to put a time frame on it.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

In search of..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Parts of me..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

3am

This is why I shouldn't sleep all day, because now I can't sleep. And the next 3 days I close.
Now is the real test to see if I'll wake up for my 10:30 call time at the gym. Time to see if I can't stick with this when someone isn't here to wake me constantly.
Stay tuned.. More saturn adventures to come...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#416

Last night for the first time in 3 days I laid with my family. Not slept, just laid. I watched my baby's chest lift and rescind ever so slightly with her light breaths. I watched my son's normally devious face illuminated in the moonlight. I took completely hold of that singular moment of peace and stored their angelic faces in my memory for the many lonely nights ahead until I can lay with them again. Eventually satisfied with my sleep stalking I closed my eyes to rest but not to sleep or dream. It was at most a momentary unconsciousness in which I was still fully alert and aware of the two bodies beside me. Wishing every morning I could awaken to their smiles. This morning they were so elated to wake and find me there for the first time in days. I'm told its the first night they haven't awoken mid-way thru sleep to look or ask for me.
It breaks my heart to know I am now disturbing their peace. Breaking their hearts day by day with my elected absence. It makes me wanna suffer through just for another minute with them. Just for another day I can look forward to sleeping with them again. Another sleepless night to ease their fears. But I know it wouldn't make me better for them if I gave into the temptation. I know I only yearn for them now because I took the step back to admire the full picture. No longer being apart of it, builds my appreciation for it. And let's me see my prior missteps. Reminds me how far I still have to go to be worthy of them.
So instead of letting it drag me back into that dark place, I use it as fuel to re-ignite my fire and light the way out of this cave to wellness. Push me forward faster down this path of recovery. Regain control of the life I've let slip through my fingers until now.
But this "wellness plan" of mine as I like to call it, is a necessary part of me making it through my Saturn in one piece instead of in pieces. A necessary part of me being the good natured, happy, non-judgemental, liberated, free-spirit I am. And thus a good parent. Cause "a person so full of hurt can't love nobody" (-for colored girls), not even themselves and thus no one else.
Cheer's to love. For self and others! Genuine pure and true love for all... As soulof1 would say I'm "lovinmesumme"
Love & Light
J Sans Chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile