Why Forgive?

I've just began reading a book called 'why forgive'. I figure, what do I really have to lose? I've lost everything, at some point, I must lay down my arms and regroup. Restore the infrastructure of my souls queendom.
The hard part is what do you do when someone doesn't want yout forgiveness? When they feel absolutely justified in everything they have ever done? What then? How do I digest that? How do I not allow it to permeate my inner most thoughts, as to not disturb the newly aquired peace?  I'm hoping that one day when I sort through all of it, I will gain the answers to these questions.
Although, I notice that as I am forgiving, i am becoming physically lighter. It sounds silly but its real. My body feels like a layer is being peeled off, in a refreshing sort of way.  Its different. I like it. And I'm hoping that when I finally get to the core, I become so light that I float.
J§

Joi "JSansChez" Sanchez invites you to Art Love(h)er Poetic Mic Series (Repeating Event)

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Tears of regret

Children are a blessing.
I'm grateful to have two.
Healthy
Smart
Beautiful
One boy
One girl
All sunshine

But to a broken heart
Children are a curse of unending torment
A constant reminder that we
Were once loved
So much
The universe granted permission for us to create them.
Leaving no love that can ever compare

J§

When is enough, enough?

I keep asking myself how long I will need to get through this emotional shitsandwich situation. Because I understand that I am responsibile for my current reality. I know that by fighting all of my common sense, i have possibly cause irrepriable damage to my family and to myself.

My knee will get better in time. Its a temporary pain. One that I can and will work through. But my heart is another story. It'd my theory that my heart is dying. The more I try to let go of the past, the less the present and future matter any more. My heart slows. It creaks and heaves like an old house. Supported only by ghosts of love and hopes of reconciliation. And the moment I let go of those things, it will cease to exist. Love will go back to being another silly fairy tale we talk ourselves into believing. An imaginary delight not a realistic possibility in my lifetime.
I feel it already begining. The return to a jaded abyss. The place where cynicism is the official language. Numbness is the every day forcast. I feel it happening and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

And there lies the source of the problem. Him. The one person i really truly allowed myself to fully love. The one I married because I couldn't imagine life without him. The only person I ever believed could/did accept me flaws and all. As much as he tries to convince me of how horrible I was to him, I can't see it. Maybe because its me analyzing myself. Maybe because he's making mountains out of molehills. I know comparitively there is no contest. I don't hold a candle to his inferno of hurtful actions and manipulation against me over the past 5 years. Yet even asbhe continues, I still want to fight for us. Fight against his psychology that there is no repairing the damage done. I don't believe that. Because thats not what marriage is. Thats not the vow I took. Thats not who I am. And I'm not  able to move on to some next person and start life over again with them. Thats not the deal I signed on for. I wish he knew that. I wish he believed it too. I wish we weren't so comfortable in perpetuating these barbed wired cycles of broken homes and hearts. I want better foe our children. So why can't we give it to them?
J§

Lesson time!

Dear Saturn,
Its been a long while since i've written. For no good reason i have been keeping myself silent.  For more then a month,  i have remained silent. And for what? There's no progress in that.  Atleast not for someone who is a writer. I have used  writing all my life to get through things, so why should i stop now? Does it matter that much what someone else thinks? If someone in my life feels the need to begin arguments and berate/belittle me for every word i've ever written, should it make a difference? If it means i muffle my own expression, is it really the right choice to make? The answer to these questions is what brought me back to writing.
As this chapter of my life ends, all i feel is pain. In every conceivablr way, from emotionally to physically, i feel pain. My spirit feels as if it is on fire. Ablaze in flames that can only be quashed with blood & tears. Before i reach my 30th year, i am sure i will have shed a bit of both. Despite all the positive energy i can muster, i know this as a fact. I am finally okay with that.
Last week i found the pleasure in the pain. I learned that i can take it, no matter how bad it gets. I can take it. I will take it because at the end of this whole thing, i will shine. I will have become the spiritual equivalent of a diamond. I will be too strong to ever break again. My enemies and those who see me as theirs, will be exposed as fools when they come against me with their hate filled actions.
I will not deter from my purpose. In this last year of my 20's, i have learned my purpose. Its the reason behind choosing to follow my bliss and not be controlled by what debts we have. They will be there. What won't be there is another chance to see my children at the beginnnings of who they are becomming. I am so so happy that now when i go to PTC's or talk on the phone to his teachers, i actually have input of value to offer. I'm not having to try to not look lost when talking about my own children. I know them and they know me. I have time to spend with them, not be dozing off between yellings. I laugh, play, and read with them. I get to enjoy my children; every single day i am apart of their day.
I am renewing my personal commitment  to not miss one day. Even if its just for a 15 min visit, i need to be apart of their every day. The thing i am greatful for, is that they are now both old enough to know that i don't want to leave. I am accepting of this situation but by no means satisfied with it. It is what it is until it isn't any more. This work will pay off; so i continue to do it.
Love & Light,
J§

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

I'm s hobbling around on this crutch. Baby father is acting like a (insert adjective of choice here).  Job is picking up (so happily i won't be camera-less much longer). And my next show is right around the corner. As well as the need to finish pieces for an upcoming gallery show i'm features in. Not to mention, the holidays coming up.  Whooo!

Just writing that paragraph made my brain freak out just a bit. It seems my Saturn is a jokester. The better my professional life, the worse my personal life. I came to this conclusion after deep reflection on the first half of my saturn. Now that i am exactly 29 & 1/2 years old, i am at the turning point. That place where you can see where you went wrong by refusing to accept the reality of the your Saturn's lessons.

Earlier this year, i was ready to not be with J for a while, but i realize i didn't equate it with divorce because from the outlook of a marriage, this was just one of those bad times we go through. Something we would get through. But i was wrong. Like so many other times i had hope, i was wrong. We're getting divorced. For real. At first i was upset, so furious over the culmination of crap happening simulatneously that i lashed out in anger. I was losing the only stability in my life, the one person/relationship i could depend on, losing my family, lost my money maker, lost my home, and temporarily the use of my leg. Instead of allowing myself to begin the healing process, i just dug into the wound. Caused more pain on top of it, only to end up hurting myself again. And now he's trying to use that hurt against me by suing for full custody of our children, only allowing me supervised visitation rights. As if it is a necessary action. He defends it like a constitutional right. As if without this ridiculousness I'd ever be callous enough to keep our kids from him. Why would I relive history when my purpose is to rewrite it?
J§

Another day, another penny

So again, I am waking up to loneliness. After a year, you'd think I was used to it. But I'm not. I feel it eating me alive, like mold. Corrupting what's left of the heart I have. It's probably why I'd prefer to die. 

I realize this morning that my longing for death has less to do with my loss and pain but more to do with this feeling of worthlessness I have. A feeling that only continues to grow the longer I breathe. The more days I awaken and I'm still consumed by loneliness. He can be satisfied by this. It's not his fault. It is my own. And so I count the days until I am able to leave them in peace, never to be bothered by me and my presence again. When he sees that I wasn't just talk. He can be happy/proud that I finally did something I said I would do. 

Why cry? Just kill yourself..

This summer has been the best summer of my life. I put on my first show at wow, I began what seemed like a promising partnership with a Harlem based apparel company, I finally had time for my kids and work every day, i was seeing an intelligent beautiful woman, and my husband and I were seeming to make strides in our long flawed relationship. So how can all this good be bad? 

I was happy. Finally happy in what I did, who I was with, how much I was making, and where I was spending my time. And then September came. My husband stopped talking to me as much, not something new. So it was easy for me not to notice when he shut down completely. As it stood I barely saw him anyway, with my budding career, his ongoing love affair with his business, and kids, who would notice an extended quiet treatment? I didn't. Just like I didn't notice his happiness that I thought came from us, our family. It didn't. I now know it came from a woman he had met through a business acquaintances at Afropunk, the weekend of my show. The show he was not to busy to help me prepare to put on, but was too busy to come see. The show he later told me was a waste of money because it didn't do as well as I'd hoped it would. Meanwhile in Brooklyn, he was taking in the sounds of some of my favorite musicians while also meeting a new woman. Someone who at 24, has her whole life figured out and is well on her way to being a somebody. Unlike his wife who is well on her way to whogivesafuck. They've been talking ever since. They speak every night, every day have lunch together. She's met my kids 4 times. He has taken them on 4 dates together. From the moment he met her, his best friend and business partner has been encouraging him to audition her for his new wife. And he has. He has lied raking the day to spend with her. lying about being at work when he's really with her. Laughing at me with his friend. Fucking me because I'm his wife and I want it but telling her that nothing is going on between us. And when I tell her the truth, he tells her I'm lying. And she believes it. It almost makes me wish I had a disease to give to his lying ass, just so she could catch something from me and know that I'm not lying. I just love him and want him. And if he's going to kiss me and our kids with her pussy on his breath, the least he could do is be honest about it. Do me a favor and file the divorce, stop sleeping with me, stop telling me how I deserve better because if I did why didn't he give it to me? Why marry someone just to divorce them? Why put me through nights and nights of endless scrutiny just to leave me. His friends hype him up, making him believe he is so right in everything. As of I've never been a good woman for or to him. They like to believe they know everything. Because he's so fucking honest. That he is always right. That I am some type of villain that just happened to have his babies. They, like him, know very little of how I feel. Like how any time I have cried he's told me to shut the fuck up. Not hold me, not comfort me. Just tell me to shut the fuck up. Like how I begged and begged and begged time and again for him to invest some time in us, in his family: but he was always too busy. It how for over a year I worked two jobs so he could stay home build his businesses and his health but can he stand by me the same way?

 What's really funny is that I don't want a divorce. I don't even care whether he had a girlfriend. I just wanted honesty. I just wanted time with my husband. But things are funny, I spend years taking care if him and coincidently when he is healthy he finds a girl that's younger to develop with. Suddenly now that he has money of his own, he's got time for everyone but the wife who worked her ass off for him and our family. Six women before her and now her. All together he's been cheating for a year and a half, I was just too stupid to know it. I'm even stupider to still love and want him. To still hope for a family with him because i didn't plan on raising our kids with anyone else. I'm so stupid that I've already tried to kill myself because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with him and stupider still because I still can see a future without him in it. Stupid because I'd rather die then be without him. Stupid because I allowed him to takeeverything from   me and still want to give him the remnants I have left.  For that I can't really blame him, it's not his fault i'm this stupid. I was never taught that its ok to love myself. It took his hands being wrapped around my neck for me to begin to even learn how to do that. But I abandoned it in the hope of a family with the person I love. I cheated and lied and hoped we had moved on when he said her forgave me but I was wrong and still I clung to him hoping for love. We sat up night after night never making any sense and sometimes making progress but I did it every night because it was for the faith I had our love. 

And now my kids confuse mommy with Ollyssa, they want her to have his next baby and say shit like this to me daily. Yet I am not supposed to be mad at her. Because I can't be mad at him because I love  him too much. And everything I have done  has never been enough. I recently dislocated my knee and spent the day is overwhelming pain while still doing mommy stuff. The plan was to go to the hospital that night. Instead I went to the hospital. Alone. I sat being harassed by a crazy man, alone. Went through horrendous pain of a needle in my kneecap alone. Yet there he was popping in at 3am to see how I was and I couldn't be more elated in my morphine haze because for just that moment, he seemed to care. He seemed to care. The very next morning I was back to not existing because I talk too damn much when I pointed out the suspiciousness of his grandmothers hospitality considering I know she hates me. Just the night before she couldn't wait for me to leave her house, knowing I had no place to go, yet suddenly she welcomes me with open arms because I'm injured? Come on. But as always I'm to blame in this scenario and don't exist for the remainder of the day. I've been so lonely for so long. So alone for so long, I can't even say. Yet I still lied just to see if he'd believe it. Telling him i had slept with someone I hadn't been with for a year. And he ate it up. That's when I knew, he had completely stopped paying any attention at all. 

There is no point to this post. I'm just a lonely, bitter, broken girl who never knew how to love herself. So how could I love anyone else? And why should anyone else love me? When I'm dead and gone I guess I'll know the reason for all of this pain. My father says faith through the had time will bring me an unforeseen reward. My question is, when will my hard time end? And what could possibly be my reward? losing my family? losing what was left of my heart? losing myself? no thanks, i'd rather lose my life. i'm already my husbands side chick/charity case. Every time I think things are getting better, they're really getting worse. I'm just the butt of a never ending joke. Like cosmic quicksand. 

Now that I know how to be successful at death, why cry anymore? Why shouldn't I just kill myself? 

strength/light/love Forming a diamond, muses on life,

my mother says i am strong,
so i gave it to my daughter,
when i wrapped her in my arms
to assure her that i love her.
her four syllable phrases,
resonate responses i don't want her to see
i cant let her see me weak
not again
never again
i won't teach her to be that kind of woman


There are so many days that i wish I could take back and be a "better" mother. But today I recognize three things about myself that no one can convince me different on. 1. I am a queer woman of color. I am different than most and I am okay with that because this is exactly the way the goddess made me. I love it and accept it. I am not evil or wrong because of it. And anyone that chose to ignore this fact, was only making an ass out of themselves to begin with. 2. I am meant to perform. It's in my blood. I was blessed with more talent than I  have ever had the courage to express nor the permission to explore. I will not be detoured to the life I want to create for my family and myself. 3. I AM A KICK ASS MOM and there isn't a person on this planet that can tell me different. I am only such because of my partner. He is the village. While I am relieved to be free of our toxic relationship, I miss him. His companionship. The feeling that you get when you are around a person that you can sit/stand/lay in silence with. An at home feeling.

writer's block

I realize, its been a while since we've talked in a  language few ever get to speak.. in breaths and heartbeats,
it began the day we forgot how to read/situations between lines, tangled bodies lay intwined
under sheets of stars in eye sight
i spy
with my third eye/ endless horizons of you
 ___________________________________________________________________________________

I know why I can't write.. Its because I am afraid.. And I should be creating earrings right now.. I pray that this order isn't a fluke or scam..
I came back to him leaving, walking out the door without a good bye..  the outside air brought peace
definitely time for another shower
glad i didn't run away
at peace with dobeedo & teacher