Tears of regret

Children are a blessing.
I'm grateful to have two.
Healthy
Smart
Beautiful
One boy
One girl
All sunshine

But to a broken heart
Children are a curse of unending torment
A constant reminder that we
Were once loved
So much
The universe granted permission for us to create them.
Leaving no love that can ever compare

J§

When is enough, enough?

I keep asking myself how long I will need to get through this emotional shitsandwich situation. Because I understand that I am responsibile for my current reality. I know that by fighting all of my common sense, i have possibly cause irrepriable damage to my family and to myself.

My knee will get better in time. Its a temporary pain. One that I can and will work through. But my heart is another story. It'd my theory that my heart is dying. The more I try to let go of the past, the less the present and future matter any more. My heart slows. It creaks and heaves like an old house. Supported only by ghosts of love and hopes of reconciliation. And the moment I let go of those things, it will cease to exist. Love will go back to being another silly fairy tale we talk ourselves into believing. An imaginary delight not a realistic possibility in my lifetime.
I feel it already begining. The return to a jaded abyss. The place where cynicism is the official language. Numbness is the every day forcast. I feel it happening and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

And there lies the source of the problem. Him. The one person i really truly allowed myself to fully love. The one I married because I couldn't imagine life without him. The only person I ever believed could/did accept me flaws and all. As much as he tries to convince me of how horrible I was to him, I can't see it. Maybe because its me analyzing myself. Maybe because he's making mountains out of molehills. I know comparitively there is no contest. I don't hold a candle to his inferno of hurtful actions and manipulation against me over the past 5 years. Yet even asbhe continues, I still want to fight for us. Fight against his psychology that there is no repairing the damage done. I don't believe that. Because thats not what marriage is. Thats not the vow I took. Thats not who I am. And I'm not  able to move on to some next person and start life over again with them. Thats not the deal I signed on for. I wish he knew that. I wish he believed it too. I wish we weren't so comfortable in perpetuating these barbed wired cycles of broken homes and hearts. I want better foe our children. So why can't we give it to them?
J§

Lesson time!

Dear Saturn,
Its been a long while since i've written. For no good reason i have been keeping myself silent.  For more then a month,  i have remained silent. And for what? There's no progress in that.  Atleast not for someone who is a writer. I have used  writing all my life to get through things, so why should i stop now? Does it matter that much what someone else thinks? If someone in my life feels the need to begin arguments and berate/belittle me for every word i've ever written, should it make a difference? If it means i muffle my own expression, is it really the right choice to make? The answer to these questions is what brought me back to writing.
As this chapter of my life ends, all i feel is pain. In every conceivablr way, from emotionally to physically, i feel pain. My spirit feels as if it is on fire. Ablaze in flames that can only be quashed with blood & tears. Before i reach my 30th year, i am sure i will have shed a bit of both. Despite all the positive energy i can muster, i know this as a fact. I am finally okay with that.
Last week i found the pleasure in the pain. I learned that i can take it, no matter how bad it gets. I can take it. I will take it because at the end of this whole thing, i will shine. I will have become the spiritual equivalent of a diamond. I will be too strong to ever break again. My enemies and those who see me as theirs, will be exposed as fools when they come against me with their hate filled actions.
I will not deter from my purpose. In this last year of my 20's, i have learned my purpose. Its the reason behind choosing to follow my bliss and not be controlled by what debts we have. They will be there. What won't be there is another chance to see my children at the beginnnings of who they are becomming. I am so so happy that now when i go to PTC's or talk on the phone to his teachers, i actually have input of value to offer. I'm not having to try to not look lost when talking about my own children. I know them and they know me. I have time to spend with them, not be dozing off between yellings. I laugh, play, and read with them. I get to enjoy my children; every single day i am apart of their day.
I am renewing my personal commitment  to not miss one day. Even if its just for a 15 min visit, i need to be apart of their every day. The thing i am greatful for, is that they are now both old enough to know that i don't want to leave. I am accepting of this situation but by no means satisfied with it. It is what it is until it isn't any more. This work will pay off; so i continue to do it.
Love & Light,
J§

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

I'm s hobbling around on this crutch. Baby father is acting like a (insert adjective of choice here).  Job is picking up (so happily i won't be camera-less much longer). And my next show is right around the corner. As well as the need to finish pieces for an upcoming gallery show i'm features in. Not to mention, the holidays coming up.  Whooo!

Just writing that paragraph made my brain freak out just a bit. It seems my Saturn is a jokester. The better my professional life, the worse my personal life. I came to this conclusion after deep reflection on the first half of my saturn. Now that i am exactly 29 & 1/2 years old, i am at the turning point. That place where you can see where you went wrong by refusing to accept the reality of the your Saturn's lessons.

Earlier this year, i was ready to not be with J for a while, but i realize i didn't equate it with divorce because from the outlook of a marriage, this was just one of those bad times we go through. Something we would get through. But i was wrong. Like so many other times i had hope, i was wrong. We're getting divorced. For real. At first i was upset, so furious over the culmination of crap happening simulatneously that i lashed out in anger. I was losing the only stability in my life, the one person/relationship i could depend on, losing my family, lost my money maker, lost my home, and temporarily the use of my leg. Instead of allowing myself to begin the healing process, i just dug into the wound. Caused more pain on top of it, only to end up hurting myself again. And now he's trying to use that hurt against me by suing for full custody of our children, only allowing me supervised visitation rights. As if it is a necessary action. He defends it like a constitutional right. As if without this ridiculousness I'd ever be callous enough to keep our kids from him. Why would I relive history when my purpose is to rewrite it?
J§

Another day, another penny

So again, I am waking up to loneliness. After a year, you'd think I was used to it. But I'm not. I feel it eating me alive, like mold. Corrupting what's left of the heart I have. It's probably why I'd prefer to die. 

I realize this morning that my longing for death has less to do with my loss and pain but more to do with this feeling of worthlessness I have. A feeling that only continues to grow the longer I breathe. The more days I awaken and I'm still consumed by loneliness. He can be satisfied by this. It's not his fault. It is my own. And so I count the days until I am able to leave them in peace, never to be bothered by me and my presence again. When he sees that I wasn't just talk. He can be happy/proud that I finally did something I said I would do. 

Why cry? Just kill yourself..

This summer has been the best summer of my life. I put on my first show at wow, I began what seemed like a promising partnership with a Harlem based apparel company, I finally had time for my kids and work every day, i was seeing an intelligent beautiful woman, and my husband and I were seeming to make strides in our long flawed relationship. So how can all this good be bad? 

I was happy. Finally happy in what I did, who I was with, how much I was making, and where I was spending my time. And then September came. My husband stopped talking to me as much, not something new. So it was easy for me not to notice when he shut down completely. As it stood I barely saw him anyway, with my budding career, his ongoing love affair with his business, and kids, who would notice an extended quiet treatment? I didn't. Just like I didn't notice his happiness that I thought came from us, our family. It didn't. I now know it came from a woman he had met through a business acquaintances at Afropunk, the weekend of my show. The show he was not to busy to help me prepare to put on, but was too busy to come see. The show he later told me was a waste of money because it didn't do as well as I'd hoped it would. Meanwhile in Brooklyn, he was taking in the sounds of some of my favorite musicians while also meeting a new woman. Someone who at 24, has her whole life figured out and is well on her way to being a somebody. Unlike his wife who is well on her way to whogivesafuck. They've been talking ever since. They speak every night, every day have lunch together. She's met my kids 4 times. He has taken them on 4 dates together. From the moment he met her, his best friend and business partner has been encouraging him to audition her for his new wife. And he has. He has lied raking the day to spend with her. lying about being at work when he's really with her. Laughing at me with his friend. Fucking me because I'm his wife and I want it but telling her that nothing is going on between us. And when I tell her the truth, he tells her I'm lying. And she believes it. It almost makes me wish I had a disease to give to his lying ass, just so she could catch something from me and know that I'm not lying. I just love him and want him. And if he's going to kiss me and our kids with her pussy on his breath, the least he could do is be honest about it. Do me a favor and file the divorce, stop sleeping with me, stop telling me how I deserve better because if I did why didn't he give it to me? Why marry someone just to divorce them? Why put me through nights and nights of endless scrutiny just to leave me. His friends hype him up, making him believe he is so right in everything. As of I've never been a good woman for or to him. They like to believe they know everything. Because he's so fucking honest. That he is always right. That I am some type of villain that just happened to have his babies. They, like him, know very little of how I feel. Like how any time I have cried he's told me to shut the fuck up. Not hold me, not comfort me. Just tell me to shut the fuck up. Like how I begged and begged and begged time and again for him to invest some time in us, in his family: but he was always too busy. It how for over a year I worked two jobs so he could stay home build his businesses and his health but can he stand by me the same way?

 What's really funny is that I don't want a divorce. I don't even care whether he had a girlfriend. I just wanted honesty. I just wanted time with my husband. But things are funny, I spend years taking care if him and coincidently when he is healthy he finds a girl that's younger to develop with. Suddenly now that he has money of his own, he's got time for everyone but the wife who worked her ass off for him and our family. Six women before her and now her. All together he's been cheating for a year and a half, I was just too stupid to know it. I'm even stupider to still love and want him. To still hope for a family with him because i didn't plan on raising our kids with anyone else. I'm so stupid that I've already tried to kill myself because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with him and stupider still because I still can see a future without him in it. Stupid because I'd rather die then be without him. Stupid because I allowed him to takeeverything from   me and still want to give him the remnants I have left.  For that I can't really blame him, it's not his fault i'm this stupid. I was never taught that its ok to love myself. It took his hands being wrapped around my neck for me to begin to even learn how to do that. But I abandoned it in the hope of a family with the person I love. I cheated and lied and hoped we had moved on when he said her forgave me but I was wrong and still I clung to him hoping for love. We sat up night after night never making any sense and sometimes making progress but I did it every night because it was for the faith I had our love. 

And now my kids confuse mommy with Ollyssa, they want her to have his next baby and say shit like this to me daily. Yet I am not supposed to be mad at her. Because I can't be mad at him because I love  him too much. And everything I have done  has never been enough. I recently dislocated my knee and spent the day is overwhelming pain while still doing mommy stuff. The plan was to go to the hospital that night. Instead I went to the hospital. Alone. I sat being harassed by a crazy man, alone. Went through horrendous pain of a needle in my kneecap alone. Yet there he was popping in at 3am to see how I was and I couldn't be more elated in my morphine haze because for just that moment, he seemed to care. He seemed to care. The very next morning I was back to not existing because I talk too damn much when I pointed out the suspiciousness of his grandmothers hospitality considering I know she hates me. Just the night before she couldn't wait for me to leave her house, knowing I had no place to go, yet suddenly she welcomes me with open arms because I'm injured? Come on. But as always I'm to blame in this scenario and don't exist for the remainder of the day. I've been so lonely for so long. So alone for so long, I can't even say. Yet I still lied just to see if he'd believe it. Telling him i had slept with someone I hadn't been with for a year. And he ate it up. That's when I knew, he had completely stopped paying any attention at all. 

There is no point to this post. I'm just a lonely, bitter, broken girl who never knew how to love herself. So how could I love anyone else? And why should anyone else love me? When I'm dead and gone I guess I'll know the reason for all of this pain. My father says faith through the had time will bring me an unforeseen reward. My question is, when will my hard time end? And what could possibly be my reward? losing my family? losing what was left of my heart? losing myself? no thanks, i'd rather lose my life. i'm already my husbands side chick/charity case. Every time I think things are getting better, they're really getting worse. I'm just the butt of a never ending joke. Like cosmic quicksand. 

Now that I know how to be successful at death, why cry anymore? Why shouldn't I just kill myself? 

strength/light/love Forming a diamond, muses on life,

my mother says i am strong,
so i gave it to my daughter,
when i wrapped her in my arms
to assure her that i love her.
her four syllable phrases,
resonate responses i don't want her to see
i cant let her see me weak
not again
never again
i won't teach her to be that kind of woman


There are so many days that i wish I could take back and be a "better" mother. But today I recognize three things about myself that no one can convince me different on. 1. I am a queer woman of color. I am different than most and I am okay with that because this is exactly the way the goddess made me. I love it and accept it. I am not evil or wrong because of it. And anyone that chose to ignore this fact, was only making an ass out of themselves to begin with. 2. I am meant to perform. It's in my blood. I was blessed with more talent than I  have ever had the courage to express nor the permission to explore. I will not be detoured to the life I want to create for my family and myself. 3. I AM A KICK ASS MOM and there isn't a person on this planet that can tell me different. I am only such because of my partner. He is the village. While I am relieved to be free of our toxic relationship, I miss him. His companionship. The feeling that you get when you are around a person that you can sit/stand/lay in silence with. An at home feeling.

writer's block

I realize, its been a while since we've talked in a  language few ever get to speak.. in breaths and heartbeats,
it began the day we forgot how to read/situations between lines, tangled bodies lay intwined
under sheets of stars in eye sight
i spy
with my third eye/ endless horizons of you
 ___________________________________________________________________________________

I know why I can't write.. Its because I am afraid.. And I should be creating earrings right now.. I pray that this order isn't a fluke or scam..
I came back to him leaving, walking out the door without a good bye..  the outside air brought peace
definitely time for another shower
glad i didn't run away
at peace with dobeedo & teacher

Never draw a line in the sand...

"You should stop drawing lines in the sand, the ocean will wash it away and make you forget your place" -JSansChez


Its late. I'm sitting in  my husbands house, the house I formerly shared with him, our kids and his family. I want to cry like I have every night for the last week but I can't. I won't. Not here, not now. Not in this place where so many of my tears have already been shed. Occasionally I look over my shoulder, watching ghosts replay the past.

Today while drying off my 3 year old daughter, she tells me that she doesn't like me.  She goes on to tell me that she doesn't want me here. When I ask her why she says "because you hurt daddy's feelings" Because I hurt daddy's feelings... I had to fight the anger inside of me at that moment in time. Realizing that this 3 year old child has no clue as to what has transpired between her father and I. He view is completely distorted by the words he tells her. His version, which in my opinion, is way too adult for her toddler mind. She may have seen him crying. And my heart bleeds if she did. But I get frustrated at how he has began physical altercations in front of her and she sees it as me hurting him. I fear that she will be raised to accept violence and victimization in her relationships in the future because despite what we go through, in her eyes I am the perpetrator. I am wrong. Because in her fathers eyes, I am wrong.

It makes me really think about what I am holding on to.  I think about what I am passing on. Or rather, allowing to be passed on to my children. Particularly my daughter. She will one day grow up to be a black woman. Societal assumptions aside, she's got a lot to fight against. Where will she end up if she already believes she would be wrong for standing up for herself. For exiting a toxic relationship for the salvation of her soul, she'll be wrong. Will she learn the tradition of repression or the custom of expression in her life?  I can only look to myself for these answers. The answers lie in the lessons I am teaching. And since I do not have the privilege  of living with them, I don't know how to be effective in what i teach them. Aside from quitting my job and being with them 24/7. An obscene thought to my independent,driven mind. Not that I couldn't be a stay at home mom, I'm just not built for that mentally. It drives me insane, when I have nothing to contribute to the income & welfare of my household.. Its not who I am.Not that I am incapable of doing domestic tasks, but I recognize the fact that I was raised to be apart of a team, not a single parent. Not a dormat, subordinate, or homebody. I was taught to be ambitious, to go after what i want and to get it. I wish for my daughter to be instilled with the same gusto. I hope she gets my lust and passion for life. I hope she knows her worth, always.

Its nights like these when I get mad at my heart. For wanting a man that is so confusing.. That demands I take responsibility for words while he takes no responsibility for his actions. It confounds me how he can say I don't want to be a mother to my children when he's the one that put me in the position I'm in at the moment. Walking away from him shouldn't have meant I had to walk away from them. I'm all for talking to children as if they are older, it gives them a sense of maturity. It helps them to understand whats going on. But some things shouldn't be said. Speaking to children and saying things like "mommy has to decide what she wants", it makes them think I don't want them. And that is/was never the case. Post-partum aside, my kids are the single greatest accomplishment of my life. They are the only think I have done right, the only people I strive to do right by always. They are the first and last thought on my mind. I break my neck to give them as much time as I can while trying to balance work, a flourishing art career, and womanhood. And they think I don't want to be with them and it breaks my heart.

There's an old saying that goes "never let the kids know mommy & daddy are fighting". Its the only thing I have ever truly tried to avoid. But its hard when your partner is so hot blooded. And me being reactionary,  I fight so hard not to feed into it every time. Lately I've been getting better at taking a breath and stepping away from arguments. Retreating to the idea that there is humanity in him. That there is hope in us. Not in our marriage but in us. Two adults that communicate honestly and openly, that raise their children with love and respect. I don't see why we have to revert to this passive aggressive life of silent hostility because our marriage isn't working. Why all the lies on top of lies on top of lies, just to lay them all at my feet and call it my shit.  At this point, does it even matter?

I won't lie, this hurts. To hear someone who you've loved for so long speak in monotoned apathy, as if you are a stranger. It hurts. It hurts so much to have to let go of the hope I held for so long.  I had hoped that in our year apart he would take the same journey I was on. That he would've let me go sooner. Not because I wasn't coming back, but because I just needed room to fly. As much as we argue about the past being repeated, I always find it funny that he never notices that no matter what, I always come home.

I could go on typing for days but I'm realizing that all this is just meant for me to learn my worth, my wants & my needs. I love him, I want him but it's taken me too long to become comfortable in my own skin. To allow myself to live in truth & visibility. And I won't hide any longer. I won't be silent but I will go quietly. It may be years until we ever become friends again. My only hope now is that we can eventually cohabitate the same space at the same time in peace & love.

Heat & death

Its only 10am, and the tempature is already at 84°. Add in the humidity and it feels 10 degrees hotter. Despite going to sleep (nap) with a great disposition, I woke up late and i'm in a funky mood all because its a funeral involved.
I spent about 20 minutes in bed, eyes half open wondering why I felt the need to go to,this funeral today. If we are still obligated to our family, even when that family doesn't really know us. The person who died was my 2nd cousin, a familiar face around,the house in my childhood that us children called cousin/uncle irving. I remember as a littke girl he'd always come by with his kangol hats on, no mattet the weather, dressed in a suit. The most casual I can ever remember him being was a pair of slacks & a short sleeved button up shirt, shoes & kangol to match. He'd always slip my brother and I a couple dollars for candy or ice creams as he'd make his way down to my grandfathers office. For most if my life, I didn't know what he did. He was just like a mysterious realtive I was told to respect.
Growing up in,the 80's, children were seen and not heard. Seperated from everyone during family functions. There was no time evet, in which a curious child like myself could possibly as questions. that never bothered me, not until it directly impacted my life. As it turns out Irving had served as a tax assessor & consultant. To my family, he was their financial advisor of sorts. To this day the details are skewed to me. Not that it matters anymore, nor do I even still care.
When my grandpa died, he left Irving to care for his estate, which included the two houses we owned, my grandmother, brother & I. I still don t know how but somehow one of those house came into his possession without my grandmother receiving a dime. Then the house of my childhood was sold for way under market value because of a stipulation in my grans will.  End if the day, we all felt jipped. There were other transgressions in my,childhood but those stood the test of time as far as how I arrived at this feeling of ambivilance over his death.
but here's the best part, while standing in the church today, the first time in over a year, I recalled every hymn & prayer from my episcopal upbringing, without even looking at a book. I took communion and felt myself release the risidual anger I've held on to for my entire adolesence. I refuse to continue carrying this into my adulthood, I realized its not worth it. I forgave him. because I am not the child that doesn't know anything at all, its okay to grow up & move on. being resentful, holding on to that pain & anger, only caused me to stay stuck in a barbed wire cycle of self imposed victimization. And I am no longer a victim of my past, of circumstance, anymore.  I have grown into a strong willed, focused, intelligent, sexy, creative, loving, compassionate mother, woman, & friend. I have a family of my own now and my story doesn't have to,be,retold by my children. N