09.01: joy

The first day of my unemployment, my husband suggested I come spend some time with my children. That I bring some joy into my day. As selfish as it is I said no. I was so wrapped up in my anger at the overall shit storm I've created in my life that I rejected the idea of doing anything but wallowing in my misery. That's exactly what I did. I went home, got something to eat with my last few dollars and wrapped myself in my quilt and slept. I slept from about 6pm until the following afternoon. I moved for nothing and no one. And honestly, it was exactly what I needed to help extinguish the burning inside of me. The following days I again avoided contact with the little ones, knowing I was still not in the mind set to be with them. I was too focused on being unemployed. I wanted to be alone. I sort of still do but my humanity is beginning to return again. I am missing them more and more with the passing hours. I am becoming a "real person" so to speak. And all I want is to be a mom, not an ok one, or one that's around, but a really great mom. The question to be lived now is how do I do that while working out the issues I have with myself ? Am I being a bad mom by not staying with their father? Am I simply being a selfish woman if I admit that I can't always handle being a mom? I can't always comply with the demands of my husband? Why does admitting to that truth make me look (to others) and feel (to myself) like I am "less than" as a woman? If I were a man, would be feel this same guilt? Would society put this same stigma on me? Or would I just be "stereotypical"? I love my kids, no doubt about it. Those little people are the source of my greatest joy. They are by far my greatest accomplishment. There isn't a day where I am not proud and thankful to have been given the blessing of their lives. As wonderful as they are I often recognize the fact that I am not always able to cope. I am not always up to the task of being a mom. I am not always a "good" mom, I feel. Even though I know giving my best to them is being a good mom, I still feel "less than" the expectation.
(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

08.30/08.31: family

I have to confess that for the last three days I have been doing the bare minimum. On the first day of freedom (as I have come to think of it) I spent the greater part of the afternoon (let's say 12-5) at my father's house, shooting the shit, eating and watching t.v. Then I went on an employment walk from 14th street down, to a WoW Cafe Theater meeting (of which I'm now a member) and spent the remainder of the evening with my husband. After getting home around 130a, I decided to sleep in today. Its was such a wonderful, calm day, I did it again today. Upon waking up at 130p, I had lunch & dinner with my father . Then went to an open house for the company I would die to work for; Brooklyn Industries. A straight 3 hours that was completely enjoyable. I met some pretty nice people, saw an old friend, and laughed a lot. Unfortunately for me I realize that I lied in my interview, from pure reflex of saying that's where I worked. I also recognized that I still think of myself as apart of the soho team. I went in today and no one seemed concerned, I also didn't go walking around the store either. So whomever I saw, I saw. Those I didn't, I didn't. Speaking of Soho, I saw Blanca at the BI interviews and almost broke my neck laughing so hard. Not that she couldn't get it, cause she totally could, she was just the last person I would've thought was trying to leave Fuckery21. On the bright side, I think I made a good impression overall. My energy was good, my answers were genuine and I gave off a good positive energy. I maintained eye contact, eveen with the rolly eyed chick, so we'll see how that turns out.
I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

08.29: Optimism

Today was my day off from work. However, I made the decision to go in & help out with whatever clean-up needed to be done (post irene) and such things. 3.5 hours later I was "let go" aka fired. And for about an hour, until just now, I was pissed about it. So full of anger I had considered going back just to curse them out. But my better mind prevailed. Instead I am now off to be productive with my day. I am going to search & apply for every job I can online. I'm even going to go back to AE and see if they're might be a spot for me there. Cause no matter what I need a job asap.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.28: forgiveness

Today I was a failure as a human being. And I forgive myself for it. I can accept that I'm having a bad day because my spirit is attached to a funky feeling. I feel it physical and in turn display it. I was lazy, short, easily annoyed, & impatient. I'm appreciative of the day with my kids. I just forgot how to not allow myself to outwardly express my horrible inside feelings.
This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.26/27: embrace life (relaxation, appreciation, celebration)

For the last few days it seems the only thing anyone has been able to talk about in this city is Hurricane Irene. Its been compared to the last great storm to hit NY over 100 years ago, and Katrina. While I hope neither ends up being the case, I am confident the city is taking these precautions for the safety of the public.
With that said I woke up today to read a text stating that we (my staff and I) would be accountable for all shifts we were scheduled for over the weekend. I learned that I (all management) would be on-call all weekend long, regardless of hours or requests. That if we were called-in, we would be obligated to fulfill those shifts. My company was serious, some stores went as far to threaten associates with disciplinary action against them if they didn't show up. So for the first time ever, I called out from work. I turned down a day of easy money to remain with my family. And I don't feel bad about it.
Its been so long since I had an entire weekend with my kids. To watch them, talk with them, and just hang out doing lazy family activities. They gave me the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. I made some home cooked meals. It was great. The best part is that after this weekend I am no longer paranoid about the bond between them & I. With this separation lasting longer & longer, I was beginning to feel weighed down by guilt that they didn't love me anymore. I was obsessed with the feeling that they might begin to believe that I don't love them as much, or worse, at all. This weekend blew all of that away. It erased any doubt I had in my mind about being an unfit parent. It validated my choice to leave because even though I had a bad day yesterday, it was so much better than bad days of past. It confirmed my humanity. The fact that under whatever this is on my service, I am still very much human. Prone to error and filled with the ability to learn from my mistakes & grow to change.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.25:acceptance

Yesterday I found out exactly how sneaky my team members could be. I read something concerning my job status and at first it enraged me. I felt betrayed, used, hurt, frustrated but most of all angry. Angry at the world and myself to allow myself to slip so far that I was now a target of my higher-ups while they smile in my face & pretend to care about me & my life. I started to do something which would have resulted in me being fired immediately. I started to leave work early, because of my building anger. The fact that I was beyond broke that night and once again unable to feed myself for the 2nd day in a row didn't help much in the ways to remaining clear & level-headed. So I did all I could practically do, went on a long break and smoked. Called my mom & cleared my head, ready to finish the nights work ahead. And I did. From 12:40-3a I worked in a fueled silence that continued to grow the more I looked at that place I have sacrificed my life in for the last 9 months. I thought about the alternatives, the possible outcomes, the reality. And it led me to a dark mind space. The type of space perpetuated by anger. The black hole within my soul I wish didn't exist.
Hungry, exhausted I reach out to my husband. Thankfully he responds and meets me an hour later out front his building baring gifts of cold chicken, bananas, & a smoke. (Yum) It took all of 8 minutes for him to calm me down & bring me back to reality. I emptied my sorrows into his t-shirt and still all he did was push laughter on me. It wasn't until 3 hours later when laying in bed unable to sleep that I was really able to accept it & let it go.
I recognized that I had to accept my part. My responsibility in how I got to this unsteady place. How I lost my focus & balance with the worry over the things I can't control in this life. Over the fact that there will be disappointments, losses, bills, challenges, deadlines & expectations that I can't meet. But that there are also ones I create for myself that I can completely overcome and exceed if & when I accept my responsibility for myself. And more importantly begin to act accordingly. and with that thought I drifted straight into a sound sleep.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.24: hope

I'm often told by my father that he is guided by his everlasting spring of hope. It is his faith that things will work out & his hope that they do, that has allowed him to be so lucky for so long. I wish it was a genetic trait that I inherited. Instead I am the eternal dark cloud. Carrying my woes inside until I burst.

I don't remember exactly when it was that I lost my faith. I remember being a young, exuberant, excited woman. I used to love life & its possibilities. I could've had nothing but whatever was inside of me never let me falter. I had hopes, I had dreams but then I had kids. And once they entered my life, my home in the clouds was no longer safe. The instability I once enjoyed transformed into a treadmill of maintenance. A constant chase to provide for those souls I had manifested into being.
When I look into the mirror now all I can see are the hollow wells staring back. A vacant space between flesh. This woman I see has allowed the evils of the material world sink their teeth into her and suck her dry. There's no belief in the seemingly impossible. There are no dreams this being strives for. There is only desperation. She is barely holding on. And its up to me to save her/my life. Its my duty to remind myself that there is still something to believe in. That I do still want more from my life then what society says I have to accept in my position. I now look at this woman and breathe into her soul the spirit of our ancestors. The spirit that says everything is achievable when one believes. Because the "magic" that makes the impossible possible begins with belief. Just as the world laughed at the invention of the car, and now we couldn't imagine life without it. Because that person believed. They held onto hope in their heart as they traveled on their journey through this life. I whisper to her that "this too shall pass" because no storm ever stands still. One day the sun will shine on us again. Until it does, I will hold her tight, never letting her fall. For our fates are entwined, and I have no intention of giving up.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.22: Humor

Two guys are in a cart, one of them has white stuff on his face #thisismynight. Or at least the beginning of my journey home. After buying my water from the running gag cart, I head to the train station where I swipe my metrocard. And my baby gave up on me. She wouldn't swipe, I missed the train trying. So I walk over to the main booth where I run into my new buddy the older mta gentleman. I forget his name but I do know it. Anywho the booth lady let's me through but does pleas to me "please the next time you get a metrocard, DO NOT do this to it.."

Its been a movie kind of day. Like I wake up on time to get to where I should be and fall back asleep, fast fwd I get to the dmv around 1p and learn I have to go to anther DMV because apparently they are "too busy" to perform that service today. Get to that DMV and get on line to be given an application to fill out, just to get back on the same line to get a number in order to wait. The pudgy clerk hands me my number and motions me off to the overflowing seating area. I'm # B253, too bad they're only at B92.. Tick tock goes the clock. . Four hours later, I make it back inside right before they lock out some unlucky souls at 4:00pm and finally my number is called.

Having used all the funds available to me to pay for said replacement I.D, I head to my dad's house for lunch. Ever the daddy's girl, my father promptly fixes me a plate of chicken spot chicken. (^_^). The wikked part in this afternoon? He refuses to let me watch the latest episode of True Blood since he has yet to see any of this season.. (-_-) what a hater, he's probably not even a fan... Fast fwd through the rest of my typical day, an afternoon filled with kiddie laughs at the park, and an easy breezy closing shift. Which brings me back to where I started. It's 4am, I'm walking to the train on Astor place. Two guys are in a cart and one of them has white stuff on his face... #humorouslife

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.21 responsibility

Today is like any typical Monday before a payday. I am broke. I've got a nominal amount in my account, a couple dollars in my pocket & instead of holding it to ration meals, I will be using it to replace my lost I.D card. -_-o
Makes me wanna go crazy but I know I can't let myself get to that point. I have to be calm. Accept the part I play in my own life. Cause this isn't cutting it.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#NP Today is gonna be the day..

The roots are amazing at creating music that awakens your soul. You hear and know every word being spoken, but you awaken on the inside and begin to create yourself.
I was listening to this song when I was inspired to begin having daily attributes. (A fact I am now regretful of not writing about then.. But here we are now,so yippee!)

I figured that if I am to reach the long term goal of being a person that is liked and respected, I must do that for myself first. I look for what the lesson is every day.. And that becomes the attribute.

Today I worked from 1145a until 101a.. And I still didn't make my hours. So today's attribute is dependability; more specifically trust.. In my life both personal & professional, a lot of people depend on me. When we are dependable , we can be trusted and can trust others.
Trust builds anticipation
Which when met leads to expectations,
Not Me
I can be trusted...

If life was a school, I'd be failing every class. Not just because of my vices but because of various destructive habits I have adopted into my life over time. Like the habit of making excuse for the short-comings & irresponsibility of others. I push myself to do as much as possible everyday and end up not getting enough rest. Now I'm looking for a side gig and wonder how good of an idea that really is.
As it stands now, I barely have enough time to see my kids everyday with my internal clock being so off balance. But is it really a smart idea to continue on the path leading me to become financially undependable? In an ideal world, the answer to both of these questions is no. But I do not live in an ideal world, I live in reality. And the reality is, I need to make more money, even if it means sacrificing family time, rest, &/or my sanity.
We'll see how it goes.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile