Haiku of the day 2

No shoes
No shirt
Says he's crazy ninja man
Scenes in the train station
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H1

Today I found
two yellow roses on my walk to the train home
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They're, their, there..

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
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I am a dreamer

I often sit in the windows of stores I can't afford to shop in and wonder what it'd be like to be rich
To be able to walk through the street without my stomach rumbling from the smell of foods I can't pay for
To be able to pay the cable bill, gas bill, electric bill, rent, telephone, car note out the same check and still be able to shop..
To be able to take my children to a movie or museum or some other overpriced educational fun place and not make up an adventure in the park or city streets
To take the train by choice not necessity
To take a lover home and not hope my electricity has been turned off
To get my degree without the burden of working half my life paying it back.
To be treated with respect even when dressed like a bum, cause they know my wrinkled shirt was designed that way and costs me $700..
To have people look my in the eye rather than head to toe before addressing me
But then
I think of the loneliness,
The paranoia,
and obligation often attached to that life style. And take stock of the genuine friends I have.
The faithful supportive family.
The countles
s generosities I've encountered.
The beauty of life I intake walking through the park.
The creative adventurous inquisitive spirit I will have instilled in my children.
The smiles & laughter I share on a daily basis.
the warmth of my heart.
And decided my wealth knows no bounds. Because I'm a dreamer.
And as long as I have my dreams I'll never be broke nor broken.
-j sans chez
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Sorry

Lover
I am sorry for your assumption of who you wanted me to be
Sorry that our love was nothing more than a self full filling prophecy
Self destructive
A time bomb ticking away
And our actions the detonator
I'm sorry we exploded
Or rather that I imploded with no fore warning
I'm sorry for leaving and
I not look back cause when I do
I'm just reminded of the pain that was caused
I'm sorry that I couldn't keep it together
That my fury was too heavy and too full for my breast to hold
Sorry for being too hot to handle
And Too cool to care
I'm sorry for
Apologizing for so long, I became sorry
Became another stereotypical female caught up in the illusion of love
And let myself fall to pieces and expected you to figure shit out
Sorry I fell in love with a fantasy and ignored the reality that
What we had was deep lust & longings
I'm sorry
That I was not ready to be tied down
No matter how much I liked to be tied up..
I am sorry that
All I can offer in return are these words
Of promise, these words of sorrow, that these words are all I have
The words are all I can give
These words to that heal my soul
And hopefully,
Eventually your heart.

-J Sans Chez
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Letter to a little king

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
how fast you've grown
How fast you go
How fast you came
I wasn't ready for you then,
I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
And I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
forever
This first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Iike your mother
A dreamer
Look to the clouds
Let's look for animals
And make up stories..
Cause you were meant to create
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Take heed to the signs
Listen to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember you don't know everything
It takes time to learn
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.
-j sans chez
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Fuck it type of day

It began sweetly, with a song of joy in their eyes.. Laughter intoxicating the thick summer air. We were a family for just a moment.. And then as all days, the kids slip into mini-coma naps and it all falls apart.
He talks of respect? Really? I disrespect him with what I do when we are separated? Separated? Interesting. So the fact that we are separated does not stop him from picking up my unlcoked phone to snoop around for some shit he already knew about because he sent it to himself a week ago. Meanwhile I don't snoop through his shit. I have no desire to know. I have no desire to go looking for a reason to be mad bnecause I'm sure I'd find one. Even if I wanted to I couldn't cause he's so "cautious with the kids" that he keeps everything locked anyway. But suzy slow is supposed to be my name I guess. All this over a picture. A picture sent to someone I haven't slept with, never see because they live in maryland now, and I have no intention of sleeping with. He takes offense because the receiver is a man and I am topless.. I see where he's coming from but really? I fuckin sunbathe topless, wtf? I still have yet to receive an apology for him trading naked pics with a woman he kissed & constantly chatted with while I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child and living together. But that's how shit changes when you're married. What was ok for one at one time is now not ok for the other. And its fine because I've resolved to just be at peace with it all. I will not indulge conversation about shit that irks him just because he wants to fight. We're not together.
Another thing about respect, since sent himself this pic a week ago, why wait until now when I'm about to walk out the door for work? Poor timing? You couldn't pick up a phone, send a text/email about that shit? Of course not, that would have been preferable for me. And I already know his stance on that.
Yay! Over it!
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I am so fucking over it, done and through with it.. Idk who people think I am but trust I've go no need for this shit.. These people dictating the when where & how I will live because "kids shouldn't be raised that way" but who the fuck are they to say how our lives should be? And when the fuck did you advance enough to have rights over me & my body
And my soul?
Since when did money make you sovereign over this queendom?
No one walking this earth is perfect
And I'm sure if we open up your closet, we'll find a little boy or two
So what the fuck is it to you who I'm coming home to?
Or how many mommys my child has?
I look around this place I was raised in and get sad at the inequality
Like its ok for me to marry for money and not love as long as its an xx/xy connection
But the minute a man give another man an erection
We start using discretion
Start ad campaigns about using protection but teach abstinence only in schools
We'd rather raise the next generation to be fools
Then to educate them towards better choices
We need to teach the youth the power of their voices
Tell them its ok to push, to rebel, to change the world
to let their opinions be known
to push against the social norms..
Know that what they think is a minority is really the majority
And numbers make a difference
We can be more devastating than an avalanche
An make people listen
But fisrt you must stand up
So the world knows you do give a fuck.
-J Sans Chez
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365 days and today was slightly better than the day before.. I woke up the same, zombie like, on the edge of sleep with my eyes half open, breezing through the 30 min ride back to peace, to bed, my place of solice, escape from people, things, work, kids, bills, the every moment where a bullet to the head sounds better than a roll in the hay, its slow torture.. There are days that are epic, (today was not one of them), but for every good there still too many bad.. Its like I'm walking through the dark with a candle trying not to blow it out before I get burned.
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Know that really gmg?

When someone tells you something one day then argues against that exact belief later on down the road once they've become a bit more enlightened. Case in point singledad.blogspot.com in chronicle 3 claims that he would never turn his back on his son (or daughter) should he grow up and determine he is gay. Eventhough he has said to me in the past that he too (along with his family) would disown his son, should he be gay when he's older.
Furthermore telling me now that I am simple transferring my issues of sexuality onto our children and that I am not allowed to write opinions about our children's future is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit.

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