In search of..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Parts of me..

These days I have the majority of my time to myself. I frequently sit alone in silence thinking of how it is I got to this place in life. Its like I fell asleep in my car during a drive in movie, I wake up to find myself alone in a deserted parking lot and out of gas. The only choice I have is to walk alone for a while, till I can find some fuel to get me going. But I have no idea what direction to walk in, no idea where I am. I look up to the stars for some guidance through this maze and find no reassurance in my choice of direction. Every path leads to the unknown except for when I look back at what I've left behind. Shaking free of my fear, refusing to be shackled to that spot of indecision, I walk forward in search of..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

3am

This is why I shouldn't sleep all day, because now I can't sleep. And the next 3 days I close.
Now is the real test to see if I'll wake up for my 10:30 call time at the gym. Time to see if I can't stick with this when someone isn't here to wake me constantly.
Stay tuned.. More saturn adventures to come...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#416

Last night for the first time in 3 days I laid with my family. Not slept, just laid. I watched my baby's chest lift and rescind ever so slightly with her light breaths. I watched my son's normally devious face illuminated in the moonlight. I took completely hold of that singular moment of peace and stored their angelic faces in my memory for the many lonely nights ahead until I can lay with them again. Eventually satisfied with my sleep stalking I closed my eyes to rest but not to sleep or dream. It was at most a momentary unconsciousness in which I was still fully alert and aware of the two bodies beside me. Wishing every morning I could awaken to their smiles. This morning they were so elated to wake and find me there for the first time in days. I'm told its the first night they haven't awoken mid-way thru sleep to look or ask for me.
It breaks my heart to know I am now disturbing their peace. Breaking their hearts day by day with my elected absence. It makes me wanna suffer through just for another minute with them. Just for another day I can look forward to sleeping with them again. Another sleepless night to ease their fears. But I know it wouldn't make me better for them if I gave into the temptation. I know I only yearn for them now because I took the step back to admire the full picture. No longer being apart of it, builds my appreciation for it. And let's me see my prior missteps. Reminds me how far I still have to go to be worthy of them.
So instead of letting it drag me back into that dark place, I use it as fuel to re-ignite my fire and light the way out of this cave to wellness. Push me forward faster down this path of recovery. Regain control of the life I've let slip through my fingers until now.
But this "wellness plan" of mine as I like to call it, is a necessary part of me making it through my Saturn in one piece instead of in pieces. A necessary part of me being the good natured, happy, non-judgemental, liberated, free-spirit I am. And thus a good parent. Cause "a person so full of hurt can't love nobody" (-for colored girls), not even themselves and thus no one else.
Cheer's to love. For self and others! Genuine pure and true love for all... As soulof1 would say I'm "lovinmesumme"
Love & Light
J Sans Chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#332 (yoga)

At this stage in my Saturn I am embracing the many necessary changes that are needed. One aspect of my life (self) that I have been pretty bummed about for a while has been my physical appearance. Sounds superficial and vain , I know. But I was once an athlete, 5% body fat type athlete. I could play a full game of any sport, without losing my breath. Now when I walk, everything giggles, nothing is where it used to be. Over time I realize it took a bit of a toll on my self image. Slowly over time I went from having sex covered up, to only at night with the lights off, to not at all. Only because the image I saw, I didn't find sexy or appealing, or like something anyone would/could be attracted to. Again, silly thoughts I know but... All women have them. And as a part of the list of things I am aiming to change about my life to better align my spiritual & actual life, my body & self image is getting some good old TLC. Gym time 2-3 times a week, yoga as often as possible, healthier food choices, consistent meals, and eventually no more smoking cigarettes (but don't hold ya breath). All designed not to attract another but to re-attract myself. Get reacquainted with the woman I have grown into and discover exactly what her sexy is.
So.. This week was my first week at the gym. A full half hour of upper body building machines, 20 mins of ab/core work, and a 10 min cool down on the stationary bike. (Look out summer! Lol!)
I am so proud of today. I actually made it to yoga for the 2nd time in a week's time. And although I know I'll feel it tomorrow, right now my body and spirit are thanking me for making the time to honor them. They're thanking me for shutting up this ever chatty mind of mine with its worries and doubt, just to breathe. In reciprocity I thank them for not giving up on me. For growing despite my lack of a consistent diet and excersize until recently. I'm also super proud of my body's response to the recent increase in physical activity. Granted retail as a profession also equates to physical exhaustion daily, but standing on ones feet for long hours is extremely different from pushing its limits for a 30-60 minute period two to three times a week.
And I like it. I find I'm liking the hurt the following day. I'm starting to love the burn of my muscles as I dig in just a bit deeper into my breath, hold on one second longer in that pose. It feels good. I float away from class, forgetting I'm even a smoker, usually not lighting a cigarette for another 2-3 hours when the euphoric sensation starts to ware down. Overall on my attitude its a wonderful for stress reduction. As if I'm too busy to think about whatever it was that frustrated me because my body's burn occupies all the space in my mind. And when that frustration wiggles its way back in, the answer is clear and there is no more cause for the usual emotion or confusion. Its truly a glorious feeling.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#420 (the day the earth stood still)

I sit here and sigh a sigh of relief, the weight lifted oFf my shoulders, I sigh a sigh of suffering for the painful reality of what I've done, I shigh a sigh of the pain I was the cause a sigh of longing for a lover lost I sigh a sigh of loving deeper and stronger than titanium, sigh a sigh of defeat cause even superman has a kryptonite, I sigh a sigh of sorrow full of regret, hoping for forgiveness

To be continued..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#009 (breakthrough)

Before I knew that there was an invisible force intervening in my life's progression, I was able to sense that my struggles mentally, emotionally, & spiritually had their roots buried beyond my will. Everything has a reason. If we are to believe in the existence of a higher power beyond ourselves (and our comprehension) then we must have the ability to accept some things are indeed beyond our control. We don't necessarily make conscious decisions about various aspects of ourselves. It is our role to be able to recognize and consciously accept these things about ourselves. Once we've accepted the inevitable truths, we are freed to embrace and lead a full life. One of the may lessons I am learning from my Saturn's return to Scorpio. I've also been given the grace to remember that the main obstacle to an individual reaching their goals in life is themselves. The fear & mediocrity we'll accept for ourselves simply because the grandeur of our ideas may seem intimidating. Then there is always the question of what's next? Where do we continue on to once we have achieved said goal. 9 out of 10 people never plan past that initial achievement. When the achievement should be a step and not the goal simply because they've worked so hard to get there. But once you're there where do you go next? Maybe that's the object of my time in Saturn. To understand, accept, embrace & plan what's next. To see beyond what is to what may/could be and figure out how to get there.
Bringing me to my point. I've found that by being oblivious to Saturn's influence in my life over the past year, I have sat back and allowed things, events, people to effect my life with no reaction but to fall deeper and deeper into an seemingly endless abyss. Until today, where I've had the opportunity to catch up with old friends that know me better than I can remember myself. They knew and adored that free spirit I was once upon a time. The woman who embraced life with a love and passion unmatched even by the vastness of the seas. The woman who, when the universe threw a wrench into her life, could immediately rework the plan and adjust and would laugh at any obstacles so full that it sometimes caused the furniture to shake. The woman that didn't have a clear plan, but had a clear vision of the path she was on. The woman who was in touch with her Spirit and in tune with the energies of the universe which connect all human beings. The woman who wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. The woman I realized I had allowed to diminish to a memory; a bystander in her own life.
The woman who now haunts me from the shadows of everyday life. The woman I want to remember to be again. she never got depressed. The dark light invading her body now, an impostor. Posing, going through the motions of life but not living. Weakening her beloved mind & body with lies of fear. Binding her spirit, restricting its growth.
Today I finally made the first step in embracing my Saturn. I decided to take control. I decided it has to stop. Despite my greatest efforts in the past this dark light continuously outshines all that I strive to be. It must die, by any means necessary. I will break free of the ties that bind. I will overcome my circumstances. I will be free again.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#322 (speaking of dreams)

My whole life I've always had vivid, almost life like dreams. Some predicting events moments or days before they happened. Some leaving me with a foreboding feeling. But all of some significance if & when I can remember them.
Since entering my Saturn, I've had more dreams then ever before. Usually I can't remember the actual content but my spirit remains stuck in the feelings associated with it. There are many re-occurring themes that threaten my sanity on a daily basis. They tie up my real life in unfocused, unresolved thought. When I think on them, I reason that I'm probably repressing myself and need to make a lot of uncomfortable finalized decisions about myself and my life's path.
One dream I've had several times, I had it today as a matter of fact, I awoke in a post-apocolyptic world a few years from now. Possibly 2018 or so. The various governments of nations of the world are creating a new world wide legislation. I can't tell if I still live in New York, as natural disasters have shifted the current geography of the earth. The island of manhattan has floated somewhere off the coast of England. (Don't ask, cause I don't even know how I would have survived in the first place) Anyway, I am also not the me of now, I am somehow 20. I have no children, I am some type of artist (not the starving kind but then again no one else is struggling either in this dream senario). So a civil movement has broken out amongst the people in the region I live in and is rapidly spreading through out the world. I first notice small differences in my social circle, slowly friendships dissolve until one day I open my front door to soldiers. Wrapped in a towel half naked I am staring at the barrel of a M-16 being asked on which side I stand. I ask them to repeat the question to which the soldier replies "are you with us or them?" I ask who them is. He says "the straits." To which I respond "neither, I stand on the line of neutrality, I am bisexual". He promptly informs me that bisexuality is illegal and shoots me in the face. And I wake up with tears in my eyes. The End.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My 28th bucket list

1. Skydive on a beautiful day
2. Publish an anthology
3. Sing on a public stage
4. Permanently quit smoking cigarettes
5. Gone on a caribbean cruise
6. Commit myself to a dance class
7. Create & commit to a daily routine.
8. Attend a talk/game show I like/actually watch.
9. Save $10,000
10. Own a pair of Christian LeBoutain shoes
11. Throw a theme party
12. Climb a mountain.
13. Record an original song/record.
14. Go on a fishing trip.
15. Sail a boat.
16. Visit Mexico & Canada
17. Maintain a minimum balance of $300 for a year.
18. Make the minimum monthly payment on all my cc bills.
19. Obtain my drivers license.
20. Buy/lease/rent a car.
21. Take a road trip with friends.
22. Make it to yoga class 3 times a week for at least a month.
23. Crash a private party.
24. Participate in/create a scavenger hunt through out NYC.
25. Go to Mardi Gras/Brazilian Carnival
26. Learn to ski.
27. Take a glass blowing &/or pottery class.
28. Earn my bachelor's degree.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#212

I often get the feeling that he will never be satisfied with just being. Not trying to make things work but rather allowing them to work naturally in their own ways & time. I often believe that I know his mind better than I know my own. Like how he thinks this marriage is convenience rather than an unfulfilled desire. Similar to when your stomach aches
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile