#009 (breakthrough)

Before I knew that there was an invisible force intervening in my life's progression, I was able to sense that my struggles mentally, emotionally, & spiritually had their roots buried beyond my will. Everything has a reason. If we are to believe in the existence of a higher power beyond ourselves (and our comprehension) then we must have the ability to accept some things are indeed beyond our control. We don't necessarily make conscious decisions about various aspects of ourselves. It is our role to be able to recognize and consciously accept these things about ourselves. Once we've accepted the inevitable truths, we are freed to embrace and lead a full life. One of the may lessons I am learning from my Saturn's return to Scorpio. I've also been given the grace to remember that the main obstacle to an individual reaching their goals in life is themselves. The fear & mediocrity we'll accept for ourselves simply because the grandeur of our ideas may seem intimidating. Then there is always the question of what's next? Where do we continue on to once we have achieved said goal. 9 out of 10 people never plan past that initial achievement. When the achievement should be a step and not the goal simply because they've worked so hard to get there. But once you're there where do you go next? Maybe that's the object of my time in Saturn. To understand, accept, embrace & plan what's next. To see beyond what is to what may/could be and figure out how to get there.
Bringing me to my point. I've found that by being oblivious to Saturn's influence in my life over the past year, I have sat back and allowed things, events, people to effect my life with no reaction but to fall deeper and deeper into an seemingly endless abyss. Until today, where I've had the opportunity to catch up with old friends that know me better than I can remember myself. They knew and adored that free spirit I was once upon a time. The woman who embraced life with a love and passion unmatched even by the vastness of the seas. The woman who, when the universe threw a wrench into her life, could immediately rework the plan and adjust and would laugh at any obstacles so full that it sometimes caused the furniture to shake. The woman that didn't have a clear plan, but had a clear vision of the path she was on. The woman who was in touch with her Spirit and in tune with the energies of the universe which connect all human beings. The woman who wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. The woman I realized I had allowed to diminish to a memory; a bystander in her own life.
The woman who now haunts me from the shadows of everyday life. The woman I want to remember to be again. she never got depressed. The dark light invading her body now, an impostor. Posing, going through the motions of life but not living. Weakening her beloved mind & body with lies of fear. Binding her spirit, restricting its growth.
Today I finally made the first step in embracing my Saturn. I decided to take control. I decided it has to stop. Despite my greatest efforts in the past this dark light continuously outshines all that I strive to be. It must die, by any means necessary. I will break free of the ties that bind. I will overcome my circumstances. I will be free again.
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