#009 (breakthrough)

Before I knew that there was an invisible force intervening in my life's progression, I was able to sense that my struggles mentally, emotionally, & spiritually had their roots buried beyond my will. Everything has a reason. If we are to believe in the existence of a higher power beyond ourselves (and our comprehension) then we must have the ability to accept some things are indeed beyond our control. We don't necessarily make conscious decisions about various aspects of ourselves. It is our role to be able to recognize and consciously accept these things about ourselves. Once we've accepted the inevitable truths, we are freed to embrace and lead a full life. One of the may lessons I am learning from my Saturn's return to Scorpio. I've also been given the grace to remember that the main obstacle to an individual reaching their goals in life is themselves. The fear & mediocrity we'll accept for ourselves simply because the grandeur of our ideas may seem intimidating. Then there is always the question of what's next? Where do we continue on to once we have achieved said goal. 9 out of 10 people never plan past that initial achievement. When the achievement should be a step and not the goal simply because they've worked so hard to get there. But once you're there where do you go next? Maybe that's the object of my time in Saturn. To understand, accept, embrace & plan what's next. To see beyond what is to what may/could be and figure out how to get there.
Bringing me to my point. I've found that by being oblivious to Saturn's influence in my life over the past year, I have sat back and allowed things, events, people to effect my life with no reaction but to fall deeper and deeper into an seemingly endless abyss. Until today, where I've had the opportunity to catch up with old friends that know me better than I can remember myself. They knew and adored that free spirit I was once upon a time. The woman who embraced life with a love and passion unmatched even by the vastness of the seas. The woman who, when the universe threw a wrench into her life, could immediately rework the plan and adjust and would laugh at any obstacles so full that it sometimes caused the furniture to shake. The woman that didn't have a clear plan, but had a clear vision of the path she was on. The woman who was in touch with her Spirit and in tune with the energies of the universe which connect all human beings. The woman who wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. The woman I realized I had allowed to diminish to a memory; a bystander in her own life.
The woman who now haunts me from the shadows of everyday life. The woman I want to remember to be again. she never got depressed. The dark light invading her body now, an impostor. Posing, going through the motions of life but not living. Weakening her beloved mind & body with lies of fear. Binding her spirit, restricting its growth.
Today I finally made the first step in embracing my Saturn. I decided to take control. I decided it has to stop. Despite my greatest efforts in the past this dark light continuously outshines all that I strive to be. It must die, by any means necessary. I will break free of the ties that bind. I will overcome my circumstances. I will be free again.
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#322 (speaking of dreams)

My whole life I've always had vivid, almost life like dreams. Some predicting events moments or days before they happened. Some leaving me with a foreboding feeling. But all of some significance if & when I can remember them.
Since entering my Saturn, I've had more dreams then ever before. Usually I can't remember the actual content but my spirit remains stuck in the feelings associated with it. There are many re-occurring themes that threaten my sanity on a daily basis. They tie up my real life in unfocused, unresolved thought. When I think on them, I reason that I'm probably repressing myself and need to make a lot of uncomfortable finalized decisions about myself and my life's path.
One dream I've had several times, I had it today as a matter of fact, I awoke in a post-apocolyptic world a few years from now. Possibly 2018 or so. The various governments of nations of the world are creating a new world wide legislation. I can't tell if I still live in New York, as natural disasters have shifted the current geography of the earth. The island of manhattan has floated somewhere off the coast of England. (Don't ask, cause I don't even know how I would have survived in the first place) Anyway, I am also not the me of now, I am somehow 20. I have no children, I am some type of artist (not the starving kind but then again no one else is struggling either in this dream senario). So a civil movement has broken out amongst the people in the region I live in and is rapidly spreading through out the world. I first notice small differences in my social circle, slowly friendships dissolve until one day I open my front door to soldiers. Wrapped in a towel half naked I am staring at the barrel of a M-16 being asked on which side I stand. I ask them to repeat the question to which the soldier replies "are you with us or them?" I ask who them is. He says "the straits." To which I respond "neither, I stand on the line of neutrality, I am bisexual". He promptly informs me that bisexuality is illegal and shoots me in the face. And I wake up with tears in my eyes. The End.
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My 28th bucket list

1. Skydive on a beautiful day
2. Publish an anthology
3. Sing on a public stage
4. Permanently quit smoking cigarettes
5. Gone on a caribbean cruise
6. Commit myself to a dance class
7. Create & commit to a daily routine.
8. Attend a talk/game show I like/actually watch.
9. Save $10,000
10. Own a pair of Christian LeBoutain shoes
11. Throw a theme party
12. Climb a mountain.
13. Record an original song/record.
14. Go on a fishing trip.
15. Sail a boat.
16. Visit Mexico & Canada
17. Maintain a minimum balance of $300 for a year.
18. Make the minimum monthly payment on all my cc bills.
19. Obtain my drivers license.
20. Buy/lease/rent a car.
21. Take a road trip with friends.
22. Make it to yoga class 3 times a week for at least a month.
23. Crash a private party.
24. Participate in/create a scavenger hunt through out NYC.
25. Go to Mardi Gras/Brazilian Carnival
26. Learn to ski.
27. Take a glass blowing &/or pottery class.
28. Earn my bachelor's degree.
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#212

I often get the feeling that he will never be satisfied with just being. Not trying to make things work but rather allowing them to work naturally in their own ways & time. I often believe that I know his mind better than I know my own. Like how he thinks this marriage is convenience rather than an unfulfilled desire. Similar to when your stomach aches
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#138 (SoHo Billboard)

Days before seeing it with my own eyes, I had heard about it. The infamous pro-life billboard in Soho proclaiming the womb as the most dangerous place for an african-american child. After the initial shock I spent my off day looking for this oversized reminder that unjust bias still resides in the world, and even worse it's plastered in the streets of my beloved city. Seeing it only made my emotional response worse.
Standing alone on the corner in the rain, I was the only one in the crowd unable to move, crying for memory of being that woman who had to make that choice. I stood there crying for 10 years of what might have been, and 3 years of what was and still is the worst yet best choice i had ever made. I hated that in my face was a reminder of the lives I had altered. I hated that for 5 minutes I was a lively, talented, intelligent, ambitious, 17 year old hs senior facing a world of possibility and pondering the reality of a baby again. I remember that saturday in a brisk October, the only day I could do it without arousing my mother's suspicion and ultimately incurring her wrath. Like any "cool" mom she knew everything I was doing, and taught me everything I needed to know to protect myself. So I should have known better. I should have been better. I remember going to soho alone ans waiting for what seemed like forever. Seeing the sad, drawn faces of the girls who had been before me. Waiting in my white gown & socks, staring at (possibly) the same spot as everyone else in the room. Too ashamed to call anyone for help, after ward I waited alone and feared I'd always be that way. As if from that moment on a scarlet A would forever be branded on my forehead. Some years later I would be diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), and in effect may never have children. But neither scenario was the case. Today I am the mother of two beautiful children. But for 5 minutes I was 17, alone, angry, and scared.
After the memory faded, the anger remained. To be a black woman in america is enough without the extra in your face commentary of the ultra conservatives. That posted reminded me of a time in childhood when white kids in school would tell me to go back to my country. As if african slaves had been given a choice in the matter. Its an open display of racial bias disguised as an ideal. TBC...
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#78

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.... Both of us deserve better than to stay together our of fear of being destroyed if we don't" -Eat Pray Love
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#37

And then there are days like this. When business gets so crazy I want to scream. I come in early, leave late, and have a slight recollection of the 13 hours in between. I sit in anticipation of the next 4 days to past. For the day of justification to arrive and I can finally remember for a short while why I allow myself to get consumed by the consumers.
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And I w

Sometimes I wish I had never met her, so I didn't sit here at night and think about her. Wondering if her taste was as sweet as her smile. if I could ever get tired or kissing her lips. I wish I didn't look back at that time but could look forward to being in her presence once again. I still can't understand how she knew how to make me smile. How she knew exactly what spot would cause my body to contort in pleasure. I want to pick her brain and listen. I wish I could learn from her all the secrets her old soul has been keeping. To be continued...
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#22

"I'm probably pissed off because I woke up..." L.V.original
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#82

At first the conversation had me with my defences down. I had let go of my guard at her compliment and apology. Immediately regretting it. Through tears I read the hateful words she threw wildly, never missing her target. To b
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