Scared to sacred

What i really want to say is I that i am happy. Or rather I feel my happiness materializing. I just have to keep pushing forward. Doubt is trying to creep into my mind and make me stress. Break me down to a scared little girl . What doubt doesn't know is that I am fueled by the fear.
I realized I ran to Vegas because the time was approaching that i stand up and be accountable for all the shit I talk. I ran because i was afraid I wouldn't be good enough. I was afraid people would not like me for my life choice. I would be ridiculed, I would be booed, misunderstood, or laughed off the stage. At the time what I failed to realize is that, it's a process. No one is born great. Every person that came before me had to create themselves. They weren't born knowing or being perfect in their area. And if they were an activist or rebel with a cause the course was even harder. No one likes a rabble rouser, except of course, other rabble rousers.
The first day I felt alive in a long time was when I went skydiving. Seeing the world from that perspective gave me a new outlook. Realizing how small I really am, how quickly life passes, how defeating it is to live a lie or stress about things we have no control over. When I jumped, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i only get when i am scared shit less. And I want that feeling everyday of my life. In everything that i do. Because I'm learning that life is way more awesome living that feeling. You accomplish so much more, learn so much more following that feeling. So I now seek to do the things that scare me. For they are the things that push me. They are the things that will help me surrender to the truth.

Passion, commitment.. And the age old questiom of "what are you going to do with your life?"

I don't know how many people come across this little blog of mine. I know even less of how many people actually read it. Neither is of any importance to me. Don't get me wrong, I love you for reading my words. For coming back every now and again to indulge in my progression. I even love those people who stmble across it by accident and read out of sheer boredom. What i'm meaning to say is I don't write for you or for anyone but me. it is my healthy release of the torments that plague me. internally to some extent, i know someone else out there in the world is going through something similar. so i share my lessons and hopefully help them while helping myself.
i'm about half way through my Saturn's Return. Since learning of it and what it meant for me, I've been making some changes and major life defining decisions. One major one being that I am a multi discipline artist. Not for the money but for the love of it, it's healing, it's provocation to social change. I love to write, to paint, to make things, to design, to sing, to perform. I live for it. The many incarnations of artistry is my passion, outside of parenthood, it is art that keeps me sane. I am also discovering that inside of me lives an activist. I've never been a person that could keep my mouth shut when I see something wrong going on. I couldn't keep the secrets that cause others to hurt. Art allows me to express my opinion of the world and make it question itself.
I came to this epiphany several days before leaving my NY home. As I sat in the LES on the sidewalk in the pouring rain crying at the acceptance of the fact that I would have to cancel a show I was in the process of creating. Not because I was homeless or jobless (situations I have faced and conquered before) but because I didnt have the support of my co-creators. While I loved their concern for my "basic needs", I couldn't stomach the lack of belief in me and my abilities. Really it was just the one who,didn't believe. The other I took no fault with, he had legitimate concerns for the creative process and quality of the outcome. But the other is a long time friend. If anyone knows my hustle, I thought, she would. It wasn't until later in the night, curled up on a friemd's couch that i remembered that just because I had to postpone the show, doesn't mean I have to stop creating it. It doesn't mean that I must stop in any way. It just means that right now was not the time for it to be shown.  I must take a pause, perhaps to work out those spots I wasn't quite clear or sure about until my creation is ready to live. It takes 9 months for children to form and be ready to meet the world. One day or month too soon and their survival rate drops, so it is with art. If we rush to get it all out without allowing time for our creation to develop the strength to stand on it's own, we may fall short.  And that is okay. I can live with that.
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