twisted sister of faith & hope

Today is another day where all I can do is smile and be happy. Walk closer to the light then the dark. In my sleep I realized I can't wait to wake up because I am living my dream of a peace filled life. I am calm inside, there are no more fires raging, baking me from the inside. I am filled with a different feeling. not worry, not doubt, no frustration. i have no name for this feeling because I've never felt it before in my life. I've never been overwhelmed by it. So full of it that I am confident no matter what happens. I will not worry about how I will pay by rent or where I will live next month. Not that I know those things or have a plan better then the one I am working. I am just calm, no matter what I do. There are times when I think I may regress, be angry and spiteful all the time, destroying everything around me with my flames. But I don't. My fire remains lit, yet still, not raging uncontrollably. A beacon.

What makes me so happy? The fact that I am living my truth. I am surrounded by people who only want the good from and for me. They pass back encouragement, support, advice & opportunity. I find it easier to give those same things back. It's what I want to do. None of them are trying to harm me. And I have no want to harm any of them. I am surrounded by love. Maybe it's the nostalgia of being back in my home, NYC. Maybe it's a renewed sense of being from having 3.5 months to rest and think.

I thought about beginning meditation soon. i think it will help. One thing that will definitely happen is more yoga. It's an impossibility for me to have any excuse as to why I can't make it to one single yoga class, when I live doors down. Hopefully it will become practice. Whatever this path is, I am enjoying it more and more. I am loving the feeling of following my gut. I love the butterflies in my stomach. I love being afraid of what i am doing, and I love not knowing what i am doing. Learning as I go. That's what it's all about right? Learning so we can grow? Manifest our unconscious lives into our conscious ones? Smile, love, laugh, live? Whatever it is about, I think I've found the key.

It's like  that old cliche, walk by faith not by sight. As if this is what it feels like to have faith. Maybe that's what it is. Some good ol' faith with a sprinkle of hope, a side of dreams, and a glass of passion. I finally have most of the tools I need to be a photographer. I am hitting my stride as a mother. Learning as a woman how to balance the needs of my children with the needs of my husband and myself.

I am creating as an artist. yesterday for the first time I took advantage of being alone at Wow. I stepped out into the quiet of the stage and sang whatever came to mind. I said whatever came to mind. I recorded it, and as I go through my day, i listen to it and tweek it. I will continue to check the calendar and grab an hour here and there whenever I have the free time. Within time, I'll have something concrete to put on. My baby will be developed and ready for the world.

I aim to pick up my son from school every day. If also possible, i try to get there early enough to drop him off as well. I am getting better at being there more. Teaching myself to get into their schedule. It's hard when you want to work in time to look for a job, and create. But I'm learning. I talk to Soul all the time, we try to see each other every day. Talking, walking, spending time any way we can. Dating again, and it's nice. Having family days/times. slowly we are getting better. Individually we are growing together. Like those trees with twisted bark. It's beautiful.