I have effectively been abandoned by my band of merry men (so to speak). But for one reason or another I will be alone for the scariest (and possibly stupidest) thing I've ever decided to do for my birthday. Honestly it's a little disheartening to have to be alone. But maybe that's how it should be. Maybe I was meant to go alone as a test of my will. having to face this fear of mine by myself may be the best thing. Having been alone for a while now, I am learning that there is a great deal of honesty one has with themselves when they are alone. We'll admit so much more when we're alone then if we are around someone else. The real problem is cab fare.. I have enough but don't.. Like I could afford the cab but then I probably won't eat for a couple days till getting paid. I'm not confident enough to walk from the train station, plus its hella hot out. Idk if walking would be the best idea. I could always reschedule the jump yet again. But considering how many times I've done it already and the gorgeous weather expected, I don't think I should take that chance. Besides, I can eat anytime. This wouldn't be the first time in my life that I skipped a couple meals.
I just feel something in my soul telling me that no matter what this jump must happen. I had an inclination that if I didn't jump out a plan, I might jump off a building. Like conquering this fear is connected to unlocking so much inside me that I hold on to. When really I just need to let it go. Going though the experience of having no control physically will some how push me to let go mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Under attack
I don't know who it is or if what I'm feeling is even real but for some time I feel a force interfering with my spirit. As if when I closed my eyes each night, someone or thing would attempt to capture my soul. If I didn't think about breathing, I didn't breathe. I could see the room around me, myself included laying limp on the mattress. My head nestled into the neck or back of one of the sleeping children beside me. And then I'll force myself to breathe and I snap awake in a sudden rush. Nights like that always left me shaken, laying in the dark for hours. Constantly on watch for some unknown assailant until I can calm my mind back to quiet and sleep. Even then its never a peaceful sleep. There are bad dreams that leave me in a foul mood without a recollection of how I got to such a dark place. When I was a young girl, I was afraid to go to sleep. I felt tormented.
to be continued...
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
to be continued...
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
#524
Today is the start of a day where I would rather just bundle myself up in the sheets and face no one. Go no where. Be nobody. Today is my grandmother's birthday. Mrs. Violet Fitzpatrick Wiltshire. I never learned her middle name. Never really knew if she had one. Although that isn't a fact that matters much now.
When I was younger I would buy her an African Violet plant for her kitchen window. As it grew she would transfer the plant to her garden in the back yard, where it would eventually die. After her death I would go to her gave and plant one every year. They never flourished. They were always dead by the time I'd return a year later. Once it became an unreasonable distance to travel, I stopped. I figured no one would notice. But I notice. I acknowledge the lack on her grave. I still feel a guilt inside when I deem the errand unimportant enough to make time for it. Possibly because of all her family left alive and living in NY, I am probably the only visitor she ever gets. This year is no exception. I feel immensely sad and wished I had woken up early enough to go way out to Gravesend cemetery and put some fresh flowers on her grave, at the very least. But I didn't, and by the time I get off work tonight, my visit would be considered trespassing.
I miss her so much. Its been a while since I've felt her spirit in this realm. I use to be able to feel her with me when I was out on the road. But now, I feel nothing but empty space. Her warmth, compassion, peaceful, naturing demeanor is gone.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
When I was younger I would buy her an African Violet plant for her kitchen window. As it grew she would transfer the plant to her garden in the back yard, where it would eventually die. After her death I would go to her gave and plant one every year. They never flourished. They were always dead by the time I'd return a year later. Once it became an unreasonable distance to travel, I stopped. I figured no one would notice. But I notice. I acknowledge the lack on her grave. I still feel a guilt inside when I deem the errand unimportant enough to make time for it. Possibly because of all her family left alive and living in NY, I am probably the only visitor she ever gets. This year is no exception. I feel immensely sad and wished I had woken up early enough to go way out to Gravesend cemetery and put some fresh flowers on her grave, at the very least. But I didn't, and by the time I get off work tonight, my visit would be considered trespassing.
I miss her so much. Its been a while since I've felt her spirit in this realm. I use to be able to feel her with me when I was out on the road. But now, I feel nothing but empty space. Her warmth, compassion, peaceful, naturing demeanor is gone.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Friday, May 13, 2011
Today's status
Walking back from the train I (thought I) had stepped in a big pile of shit. I laughed at the dual truth .. #storyofmylife The moral? Watch where your going..
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Dreams vs. Reality
For the past two weeks I have had almost the same dream 6 times. It always begins the same; its my birthday and I'm sky diving for the 1st time. My husband, jose, is the only one who comes for moral support despite us being separated. So I nervously step into the plane, and a few minutes later jump to what I am sure is certain death. But it's not death, its freedom from everything holding me back. My mind becomes as clear as the beautiful spring day. I land two footed and renewed to see the only face there to greet me. He asks me how I feel and I reply "I want a divorce". Now its at this point in the dream where the scenario changes every time. Sometimes he kills me, sometimes he whips out money and throws it at me. In one variation, he has the actual papers in his pocket for me to sign. Every time it ends differently but always begins the same.
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
People around me keep asking how I'll be celebrating Mother's day this year. My response is usually "work". And when I think about it, do I really even deserve to be celebrated? Sure, I gave birth to two beautiful, intelligent, curious, energetic, amazingly talented children. But this year I can't say honestly to myself or anyone else that I've been a mom worthy or praise. I'm so not the believer of the idea that people deserve things just because. And while its wonderful that anyone would praise my efforts in motherhood. If this were a class, I'm sure I'd be failing.
For starters I spend 60% of my time either at work or asleep. Even when I lived with my kids our time was limited to random afternoons and my days off. That's only if I got the sleep I needed. Last month I decided to leave their father and the residence we shared, leaving all the burden on him to carry. I left him but hurt them in the process. I left them to "fix me". How selfish is that? Granted I remind myself that I am becoming a better person for them. But its not as if I've entered rehab or some mental facility, I just left. No explanation that I could (or do) give could be enough to heal their hearts. Regardless of whether I toss in bed every night thinking of them and longing to hold them in my arms, it doesn't matter because I'm not there. Not everyday like I should be. Like a good mom would be. Its the eternal struggle of womanhood it seems. To endure an existence of nonexistence for the sake of your children's joy or to rip it all to shreds in search of your own and eventually theirs. Does the end justify the means?
I left knowing the hurt I'd cause and did it anyway because I can't be good to them if I'm not good to begin with. A person so full of hurt can (and will) only hurt those around them if they remain so. And time is proving that I made the "right" decision for me right now but what about us? What about them? Will they eventually forgive me for abandoning them? Will they overlook the months they couldn't cry on my shoulders? Will they forgive me for not being there when they wake up sick in the middle of the night and I'm not there to comfort them? There's so many questions that run through my mind. And I pretend to not feel the repercussions of my actions, until I am alone laying in the dark holding my pillow wishing it was my little girl. Wishing I could be holding my son's hand as he lays figiting besides me fighting the onslaught of sleep. There are nights I get off early enough to be there at bed time and so I go there and damn near get lost in their essence every time. What it doesn't take to pull me away from the peace they provide.
One day, I hope it will be better. I will be better for them. And maybe we'll end up one big happy. Until that day, I won't celebrate that which I do not deserve.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
For starters I spend 60% of my time either at work or asleep. Even when I lived with my kids our time was limited to random afternoons and my days off. That's only if I got the sleep I needed. Last month I decided to leave their father and the residence we shared, leaving all the burden on him to carry. I left him but hurt them in the process. I left them to "fix me". How selfish is that? Granted I remind myself that I am becoming a better person for them. But its not as if I've entered rehab or some mental facility, I just left. No explanation that I could (or do) give could be enough to heal their hearts. Regardless of whether I toss in bed every night thinking of them and longing to hold them in my arms, it doesn't matter because I'm not there. Not everyday like I should be. Like a good mom would be. Its the eternal struggle of womanhood it seems. To endure an existence of nonexistence for the sake of your children's joy or to rip it all to shreds in search of your own and eventually theirs. Does the end justify the means?
I left knowing the hurt I'd cause and did it anyway because I can't be good to them if I'm not good to begin with. A person so full of hurt can (and will) only hurt those around them if they remain so. And time is proving that I made the "right" decision for me right now but what about us? What about them? Will they eventually forgive me for abandoning them? Will they overlook the months they couldn't cry on my shoulders? Will they forgive me for not being there when they wake up sick in the middle of the night and I'm not there to comfort them? There's so many questions that run through my mind. And I pretend to not feel the repercussions of my actions, until I am alone laying in the dark holding my pillow wishing it was my little girl. Wishing I could be holding my son's hand as he lays figiting besides me fighting the onslaught of sleep. There are nights I get off early enough to be there at bed time and so I go there and damn near get lost in their essence every time. What it doesn't take to pull me away from the peace they provide.
One day, I hope it will be better. I will be better for them. And maybe we'll end up one big happy. Until that day, I won't celebrate that which I do not deserve.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Monday, May 2, 2011
I'm starting to lose my passion for my job. I realized this today while sitting through a meeting where little input was sought and all feedback I provided was seen as an attack. It concluded with me wondering why I was promoted in the first place. Or better yet why I accepted it. What I often hear is how much I'm not doing as a manager. At least not as an individual but as apart of a team with weak links. I don't need nor seek recognition for every little thing but a person does get tired of hearing only the negative, especially if they're not apart of the problem. It only makes me think that my efforts are for naught. What's the point of doing a good job or pushing myself to develop if I'm only to be lumped into the group which is seen as failures. Further more how am I expected to grow with little tutelage or training. I'm a smart person but even I know everything can't be learned in books. At some point someone needs to coach me the way I am supposed to coach associates. Its fine though. I'm starting to learn that if I fuck up, I can expect a warning and if I do good then expect nothing. it just makes me think, is this the place for me? Before I thought it was but everyday I'm less and less sure. I really hate that I'm starting to see this job in terms of a paycheck and not an opportunity to grow further like I did before. Its not a comforting thought. I didn't think I'd get to this place of acceptance so quickly. I really expected to be excited everyday to be coming to a place I loved working. Maybe I just don't fit into management. And that would be okay, but then the next step would be to decide exactly how I need to proceed to remain satisfied and not stagnant.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Editor's note
* in my last post I referred to my company as straight. This was NOT an assumption of her sexuality (I don't know which way the wind blows) I was just referring to her demeanor as a "good girl", I.e. Straight & narrow..
I hope no one took offense
Thanks
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I hope no one took offense
Thanks
JSC
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)