Life is funny. The minute it seems my dreams are coming true, here come the catches to keep me wrapped up in doubt & diapair. Its better then destitution but still not somewhere I want to be.
I've worked too hard to overcome the self doubt that prevented me from pursuing my artistic goals for so long. Now a month away from my first "big deal" gallery show and here is circumstantial doubt swiping at my head.
What is circumstantial doubt, you ask? Its the doubt that arises in ones mind due to external circumstances/situations. For example, I am now doubting that this show was meant for me to do because I can't afford it. I have to pay musicians out of my own pocket, get 35-50 photos printed & mounted, compile my art portfolio, make sure to get people to come that will buy stuff. My models keep cancelling on me, so the work I put into my original concept is now for naught. The artists I chose for the group show, are either not in communication or slow to respond. Everyday I ease closer & closer to my goal with angst that it may not happen. Because if I don't raise $2,500 it won't. Printing alone is gonna cost about $600. Musicians are another 12/1300? I wish I could be confident and worry free but the reality makes it seem that this show is not meant to be. And if it wasn't, why did I win it? Why don't I have what I need?
Ironically, the circumstantial doubt has only made me dig deeper into work. Its only pushed me to go harder in everything I create. If only I could create myself a couple thousand dollars, that would be perfect. I am trying though, with a fundraising effort via gofundme. So far, so good. I'm about 5% to my goal of $2,500, with a whopping $210 in the past 21 days. My hope is that 150 of my friends believe in me enough to donate $25. I get that, and I'm golden. If not, it'll be pretty embarassing to have an empty floor where my art should be. Wish me luck :-)
If you would like to donate, go to:
Http://www.gofundme.com/jesanschezdirty30
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
If you know me, you know I'm a huge admirer if tattoos. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan. I have craved to adorn the walls of my temple with mounds of beautiful art. Art that will last like the hyroglyphics of Ancient Egypt, telling my story for millenia to come.
I actually have this twisted stipulation in my will that after my death, I'd like my skin to be removed from my body and preserved in glass. I know, i know.. It sounds disgusting BUT I think its possibly the best way for anyone to actually know me. Know my story. Read my history like a human tapestry.
See I believe that tattoos should hold meaning or tell a story. There should be a reason for the person to have chosen to stain their skin with the memory forever. Aside from my first one at 15 & 1/2, I haven't added one without considering what part it tells in the story of my life. And even that one had some meaning at the time.
This week I added two more to the tapestry. I only intended to get one. The one I paid for. But when you're friends with a tattoo artist and you #tat4fun, a freebie is always a welcome gift. Especially as it contributes to the construction of a larger piece in general. A part of the same story.
The heart on my wrist is representative of who I am becomming. The syncronicity of life is pushing me into music. It is in the art of song & poetry that I am finding my voice. Healing the past wounds to my heart.
The hummingbird is full of music and connected to the initials of my children. When I saw the sketch that Angel had done, I was mesmorized. I instantly felt connected to it. It reminded me of the zeal my children have for life. They're like little hummingbirds, with their non stop energy and musical enthusiasm. They constantly inspired and encourage me. They also validate everything I have been working towards. I found it fitting for those who lift me up.
So happily I celebrate my 7th & 8th additions.
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
That is the question. If that is indeed what I want? OR is it just an accurate assumpion of my future? Considering my life often seems like a tv sitrama (sitcom/drama). I live a fabulous artlife that includes and incorporates my family. I am already beyond blessed with what i have, even if I have little money. Could it really hurt to be rich, if I'm already feeling famous? I feel secure enough in who I am to know that when I am rich, everyone around me reaps the benefit. So why not welcome it?
With the way spirit has been working in my life, I fear it may be inevitible that I become rich & famous. The thought of that senario, puts my stomach in knots; In a good way. As does everything I pursue in life these days. I'm constantly terrified of the repercussions of my actions. As if any single poem, song, creative movement performance I do or photograph I take has the potential to catapult me into an echelon I am unsure if I am ready for. I know I am up for the challenges I am being given. I possess an enthusiastic curiousity and excitement for this unknown path I walk. As if the deeper I divet i to my art, the more I heal, the more I am discovering about myself, the more I am questioning and scrutinizing myself.
I can't accurately describe in words what I feel happening to me. Its as if my cells are awakening. My skin tingles and my stomach knots but when I embrace that fear, complete whatever task/trial, I feel lighter. My skin floats. I literally glow from inside.
This week has beeb a big deal to me. From my pov, its been a sneak peek into what my life would be like one day. Monday I was in an impropmtu recording session with an artist I respect. I've been shooting him for some of his upcoming album work. Tuesday night a building session with some powerful young poetry moguls. Weds night was Drink & Draw, unexpectedly I am interviewed by a reporter from Brooklyn Ink mag. She even videoed some of my poetry.. Thursday night, epic! As usual. Art Kartel + The Lesson, renewed my spirit. Today I had a wonderful quick shoot with the lovely Kaitera of circaphoto for my Spring show, its not even 6pm yet and I'm feeling like a rockstar.
Whats best about this week, I have spent every evening with my children beforehand.
Today is Friday. The single day when I had absolutely no plans. So after work, I'm going home to clean & create. Next week is going to be a big week, I think.
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
For the first time in three years, my wasband and I are finally going to receive our tax return money! No more government agencies seizing it to pay a debt we had fallen off paying.
So under the advice of my super awesome financial planner/advisor, I am taking a portion of said return and gifting it to myself as play money. There are only two rules, I can not spend it on a bill or debt. I can not save it, it must be spent. It must be spent on something that makes me feel good. Somehing that brings me some joy. Aargh! Such a hard decision to make right now, when just breathing brings me joy. I am happiness from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes. I am finally alive. In this new incarnation of life, delighted by the simplest of things. So what do I do?
I did consider taking a trip. Like a full out vacation to some semi-exotic/island location. A place where I can truly forget my troubles, lounge around naked, have a love affair, and big drinks served in coconuts with tiny umbrellas. This place must also not require a passport, as I do not have one right now. I considered visiting family in Vegas, Miami, LA, Canada, or the US Virgin Islands. All very great options. The downside is having to miss work. Being that I will soon be moving to a new place, I need all the incone I can make.
That leaves me with things I can do here. Like a spa day. I am much in need of a massage. I can go for a facial, maybe a mani/pedi to prep for the spring. Get my hair done by a professional.. OmG!! Its been forever since I've been to a salon..
I also considered beginning my next tattoo or finishing the half-sleeve I started four years ago. The estimates I got when looking for an artist are approximate to the allocated fun money budget. I would feel happy to have a new piece of art for summer. It would definitely be healed in time. The downside? None really, unless you count the copious amounts of weed I will have to smoke to get through the five hour sessions.
I also considered furniture or decorating my new room, however, I included furniture into moving costs. There goes that idea.
Then there is my need to restock my earring supplies. The business must be maintained. But even then, those supplies come no where near how much I have in the fun budget. I'd have too many art supplies at that point. And I already have just about every color acrylic & oil marker under the sun in varying sizes. And I know what you're thinking. I could replace my beloved Betty (may she rest in pieces). That had also been factored into the necessary business expenses, along with a laptop & business cards. What else is there?
There is my kids. But they too have their own fun budget in place. Moneys to be set aside for their clothing, our fun days out, even the beginnings of college funds for them both. Besides, they are a constant responsibility. Objectively, they would fall into the debt catagory. Though I can never spend enough on/with them to repay the universe for what they give me.
Hmmm.. Who knows. Maybe I should have spent it on that big showcase, opening for M.O.B. Naaah.. I'm not about that life. Whatever I decide, I'm already happy.
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
While its not the first time this year that my peace has been broken, it is the first time i gave in to the swelling wave of anger as it began to overtake me.
Luckily, I didn't allow it to completely engulf me, I made the decision to remove myself fron the space for the sake od our children. Knowing that to remain would only have driven me deeper into rage. Having to stand and listen to his justification for the past as if it is still relevent or valid. Knowing full well that to have destroyed my equipment, some very expensive equipment, was wrong. Even moreso because in destroying my beloved camera, he destroyed my business. The single secure revenue stream that I had from my art. The thing that would have allowed me to produce the additional funds he now demands I pay on top of child support. Its not as if he doesn't know I can't afford this additional expense that he himself can not afford. He knows. But as always he doesn't care. Because nothing matters outside of what he wants. What he thinks is the "right" way to raise and care for our children. The children I bore.
He casts my opinion and facts aside for what he sees fit. Again leaving me feel foolish for willingly giving him the benefit of the doubt. For thinking he was ready to really make progress co-parenting. All I asked is that he helps pay for the camera he broke. Help restore the business he destroyed. He quickly reminds me that he helped me pay for the camera the first time. While just as quickly forgetting that at the time he called it an investment. That he believed in my talent and drive. He saw it as helping me empower myself to do for myaelf as he has done with his business'. He easily forgets all the free work I did for him which could (and would) have easily cost him between $800-1500 with any other photographer. Whether they liked the work or not. Whether they had to be therenfor guidance or not. They would have had to pay for a profeasionals time. The fact that not only did I shoot for hours, I also scouted locations, aquired and scheduled talent. Half his frikin site. But does he see the value? Does he even appreciate the work? Doeabhe consider our debt even? No.
Furthermore I don't understand how he paid for half when the money came fron our joint return that was to be split 50/50 between us. I was told it came out of my half. So how is it now that he paid for it? If I were a malicious and hurt filled person, I would simply take the money I need before giving him his half of this year's return. If I was that vindictive and mean spirited still, I would give him what I deem appropriate. I could but I won't because what would it really solve? Hoe far would that set back our relating if I acted like him instead of allowing him to choose to be his better self? Deapite him rarely choosing to be, its the choice I still make. Why? Because I don't need him. I don't want to be him and frankly I realized with this venting that I am beyond him. Not better then, just beyond. As in nothig he does can/will hurt or hold me back ever again in life.
This year again, we have the opportinity to put ourselves back into a responsible position by getting an apartment. Either individually or together. One way or another, I will create a physical home for myself and our children. I am creating a place of love and comfort so my children do not have to unnecessarily suffer in her house anymore. If it means that I will have to assume full custody and primary care, so be it. I will not adibe by my children being forced to overhear her talk about me as if I am the worst human alive because I overslept after working an 8 hour overnight shift and a weekend where I had a total of 9 hours sleep over 3 days. She condemns me to whatever spirits she talks to without remembering my children, our children are in the next room. Rather then eliminate the problem of being there, he'd rather continue to enable it. I offer to get an apartment with him, he rebuffs the idea as if I offered him bed bugs. Easily forgetting that we would most likely never be in the same space at the same time. That if we were to co-operate and truly coparent, our children could have both of us in their lives everyday. They're wouldn't be a 3rd party non-parent in the background constantly undermining out discipline and ideals. He wouldn't have to hear her complaints all the time about every avoidable financial problem under the sun that she has. Our family would have healthy meals every day. Our family would have a roof over their heads. By no means am I trying to remarry hin or fix our broken past relationship. I am simply trying to ensure the physical, mental, and emotional well being of our family. As far as she goes, she is a relative who has been more then generous with her house. I am and will always be extremely grateful for that but she is not apart of our family. Same as my parents, they are spectators, outsiders when it comes to our family. Our family, the sanchez family, consists of 4 people. Hom, me, k & ni. Everyone else is irrelivent. Today he says to me that if she allows Pepo back into the house he'll take our kids tp a shelter and move out. WTF!????!!?!? Why not move out now, stand on your own two with me. Lets build. No one says this apt would have to be forever but it would be a great help in us keeping a better hold on how our children are raised. On what they take in. On how they.process our new relation. It will make a difference on how they act, talk, and think. Like right now how they are stuck in the pattern of playing the go-between game. If it were just he and I parenting them, they would know we are a team. That they can't go get their way by trying to get someone else to give them what they want. But right now they barely listen to us because she is there always ready to say yes when we say no. It undermines us as parents. But he sees nothing wrong with it. I recognized today that he is extremely comfortable enabling her because she takes care of him. And still he is not confident in my ability to be responsible and adjust my life/ambitions for our children. Also he's stuck in the past still. Its a shame. He won't even consider it because of what he wants. He wants to stay at het house and hear/deal with her shit. If not, why else continue to endure it? Why keep yourself in a situation that is not changing. Even if he brings up my inability to pay support on time, if he thought about it, and got out of the past, he'd realize that I remain workinf through every hardship. As much as I don't pay support, its because I pay for everything. I pay rent to my father to live in a chair, buy 2-3 meals a day, phone bill, storage, student loan payments, child support plus any additional activities or neceasities they need that he can't afford, & transportation; it all comes out of my check. He doesn't want to let ne use food stamps to buy some food and reduce how much i eat out but he will allow her to fees the church, baby showers, and any other event she is asked to cater without any compensation. Come on. What irks me is that these are current practices, not a past actions.
All of these things remain the same, year after year. He is okay with it. If he wasn't why else perpetuate a cycle you have the power and opportinity to break, better yet to end?
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
It is a new month. February. Black history month. Celebrations of love. Valentine's day soon approaches. And while I am seriously single for the first time in forever, I am not hating the thought of spending this time alone. I am not afraid of it. As a matter of fact, I am excited by the prospect of celebrating this feeling I seem to always feel and occasionally embody. Love.
Last year, I spent Valentine's Day 3000 miles away from my partner. At that time, I didn't know we were at the beginning of the end of our relationship. I was sad. I was depressed to be with someone but so seperated. I spent the day enjoying the sunshine of my princess. We crafted and colored cards for her brother and father back in new york. Together we made a red velvet cake, and healthy dinner of shrimp alfredo with steamed broccoli. Then, joined by our third generation, my mother, all ate dinner together. Us three lonely hearts clung to one another as supplement for the loves we were missing. As I reflect on it now, it was probably the beginning of the beginning of my current state of being.
Meaning the ability I have aquired over the last year to be content with myself. To be happy with my own company. To be love in the depths of my thoughts. Everyday I wake up now with an energy I can't explain. I am filled with what I can only describe as love.
Case in point, this weekend. Friday night while intending to run a simple errand in Brooklyn, picking up my photos, I ended up in the middle of amazing conversation with beautiful minded artists & thinkers. Maybe because it was unexpected, maybe it was because my spirit craved the company of people. Whatever the reason, something so simple, was made amazing in my memory. After a while I make my way to leave to head to a going away party of a good friend who is leaving this week to begin his new life in the US Army. I'm so drunk off alcohol and good vibes that I'm walking down 55th street freestyling on video. Nearly at my destination, I notice an ambulance ahead, and like any nosey human, I stop my recording to see what happened. And for a moment time stands still as I recognize the face of the injured, bleeding man being taken away is my wasband. Upon my brains regiatration of this fact, I am knocked back into sobriety. Yet I hear myself saying, "I am his wife. What happened?". I know its no longer a position I hold, yet I keep informing the paramedics about his medical history. I know its not what I am anymore but I claim it anyway, begining the motions of emergency protocal. Holding his hand so he knows he's not alone, checking for coherency. I thought it was the alcohol but I realize its the love inside of me. This energy that has consumed me since the Universal time shift last December (more on that in another post). This energy guiding my actions and thoughts. This energy allowing me to not get caught up in past facts, lets me love him still without the need to possess him. Its this energy that reminds me that I will always be his wife, and its okay for me to care for and about him because its my selfish need to care for him. Because no matter how far we go or who else we come to love and share our lives with, he and I will forever be connected. So it is okay to love him. With this distance, I am able to love him more. Love him correctly, the way I did originally, freely. Without necessity to control, possess, judge, prove, pacify, condemn, or obligate. In this space, we are fulfilled & happy individuals. I remained by his bedside all night until I could be sure it would be okay to leave.
My Saturday began with a cup of coffee as the sun rose over John Jay Campus. I get uptown in time to share a snack of fruit with our kids before we get ready for Ni's first day of 3 year old journey. We go and enjoy ouselves, come back for lunch and naps but I can't sleep. I'm still worried, becoming more and more concerned with the state of their father in the hospital. So as soon as relief comes, I return to his side. His condition has worsened from when I left 9 hours prior. As necessary, my love once again transforms me into former roles of health care provider & advocate. Spreading my disappointment around the emergency room until the doctors & nurses take notice
of this man in need of care. I learned he had been ignored for hours. Thought to be discharged and simply awaiting a ride, he was left to suffer on the side of an empty pit desk. His bed, so low, the counter blocked any visability of him. He went unexamined or checked up on from 1:30 until I raised a stink around 6pm. They finally take action and allow me a moment of relief. I go outside to call family and update them. But as soon as my face meets the winter air, I crumble. I slide into a low crouch, hug my knees and cry. For the time it takes me to smoke a cigarette, I cry without stopping or shame. I never like crying, especially in public. I always feel wrong because I always hate to not answer passersby who always want to know "whats wrong?". Because what do you say when nothing is wrong? Maybe the truth, that its a natural reaction to stress. That I am afraid he may die. That I am scared that he will relapse. When really the truth is, I am crying because I fear my love is still wasted on him. That once he is better, he may come to forget how much and how well I cared for him when I didn't have to. He may make decisions that hurt more then help because he feels protected by them, yet not realize all I still do to protect him. And that I do all this out of love because I want to not because I have to, I cried for all of this and for him.
Once I pull myself together, I return to assure him I'll be back and remind the doctors that I'm watching them. Then its back to Harlem for the nightly ritual with the kids. Dinner. Bath. Story. Bed.
Emotionally wound, I find my release on a stage at tge S.W.A.G. Open Mic in Brooklyn. I did one freestyle, 1 written, and received so much love in return. So much appreciation that I was renewed. I continue on into the freshly falling snow to attend a good friends first saturday party. She lives across from the museum and opens her home for all of us to comnune. Usually inviting some wonderful, little known, artist to adorn her walls. Surrounded on all sides by beauty, art, love, and intelligent conversation reminded me to do a shout out to my life. That I am blessed beyond compare to have people and spaces and outlets in my life that keep giving me what I need exactly when I need it.
I went home alone. Spending my last bit of pay on a much needed cab home. Collapsing into the big, warm bed, I drifted into sleep almost instantly until 3pm the next afternoon. I can't remember what I dreamed. But whatever it was, it was a most peaceful sleep. Renewing. Reviving. It was during my phone call to the hospital to check up on wasband I realized that I had not slept for two days. I know I didn't register that fact until that moment, so I could be reminded of the power love gives me. The stamina & fortitude it fills me with so I may be all I need to be for those I love. In that moment, I also realized, whether he appreciates or ever chooses to acknowledge me for what I do for him doesn't matter. Because I don't do it for recognition or for a pleasant attitude or even for him. I do it because thats what love demands. I am satisfied knowing he still draws breath. That he will be here another day to continue being a great father to our children. My love contributed to that. And so I am fulfilled. I am happy. I am thankful.
Had this been a different time, he would not have been a second thought. I would have passed him on the street that night, seeing he was with his friend. I would have been the "uberbitch" people tell me I should be with him. When I imagine having acted like that now, the thought makes me sick. I am seeing how far I have come and how much I have healed. I am not bitter, resentful, or vindictive. When he decided on divorce, I was full of rage for so many things, mostly because I had lost hope. I had let my hurting lead me to believe that I would never feel love like this. In my hurt, I believed that him leaving me was a sign that ni one could love me and vice versa. As I write this, I laugh with my spirit as if it was an inside joke. Because I was wrong. I found love in a hopeless place. I'm now perfectly at peace. For that I smile.
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
The other day I wrote some truths that i had been feeling and denying for a long time about a show I was associated with. Please note the past tense language use is not a typo. We are no longer associated. Purely a decision on their part.
See after writing and posting my post, I meditated on it. Knowing this piece of me was on display and they still had no idea how I had felt, was troubling to me. I felt like eventhough the feelings had passed with my writing, that the residual energy mixed with their unknowing would poison the circle when i entered it. So I lit my candle, said my prayer, did a meditation for several days. What came to me as an answer was "share your truth, so truth may show its face". I took it as a possibility to spark conversation with people i had grown to care for. An opportunity for us to have a real conversation about how alienated I am made to feel sometimes in this space I love so much. I thought, clearing the air before Friday was necessary. It would be a good thing.
So I shared my post. With explination of why I write in my blog space. Because it is my safe space. It is the only place I feel my truth is accepted and not judged, because well. ... Lets face it, i have a readership of 2. One is my faithful unknown follower, the other is me as I proofread for gramatical errors. Even with the unpredicted occasional browser, its not a blog that can/will ruin the life of anyone. It is just me, documenting my time in this transitional place of my life. [I'm digressing.]
So I send them the link to my post. What follows is silence for most of the day. Until late in the night, like almost 2am when the angry phone calls begin. I pick up because I am awake and I am thinking, cool they want to talk. No they don't. (I am paraphrasing, as to not rehash the almost anger i had at the time) They call to dictate to me what I will and won't do. They call to tell me I'm crazy. That I am no longer welcome even as a paying customer in the space. That my measly, insignifigant blog was damaging and hurtful to them, thus burning bridges. WOW!
Never had I imagined this response. I truly thought that they were of more rational minds. I found I was wrong. As I recounted my motivation for writing and eventually sharing my post, my lady friend refocused my attention to the answer I had received. I thought about my feelings. Searched my spirit. I knew this was their truth. That with these late night phone calls, and many early morning text messages, they had finally shown their true face to me. And I am okay with that. I am okay with them not being apart of my life any longer. What now?
Our paths are bound to cross in the future, we have many of the same aquaintences and friends. We attend many of the same events. I will even be serving on a Board of Directors with one of them, so eventually we will interact. But I am not worried about it. I am at peace with all of it. You may ask why? What could/would allow me to be okay with a loss I considered major? The difference is me. It took a day of cuddling with my bubbly princess, an early morning meditation, and the council of a trusted friend for me to remember that I am different. I am not the same woman I was last year or even last week. I am certain and strong in my character. The people that are genuine will not abandon me because of someone else's biased opinion of me. I know who I am. Better yet, I love who I am and know that other love me too. I know who I want to become and I am well on my way to becomming. I am no longer the broken woman, desperate for attention and love. I am love, at least becoming it. People are attracted to my energy. I do not need to go to that specific space to meet someone, I am confident enough to venture out to other spaces alone and talk to people that are interested in me. Because I am interesting. My life is full and satisfying, and beautiful and complete in its ever evolving way. So it is okay to let go of this space. Whether to form my own or simply discover new ones, it is okay to let go. This space doesn't need me and I don't need it. We'll be okay without each other. And I golden with that.
Love & Light,
C. Joi Sanchez
www.jsanschez.wordpress com
