Letting go

This afternoon i awoke in a strange place. a place not my home or my own but felt comfortable.
Yesterday I was crushed by the last person I expected. Was is deserved, I don't know anymore. I'd question my actions and his motives but when all is said and done, there is nothing more to be said. No more words to say. The relationship has been over for quite some time, we both just too weak with hope to admit it to ourselves. Too afraid to be alone to admit it to one another, only to find ourselves alone anyway. Now I face the decision I've been avoiding for years. Do we split up our children or jut all the beans into one pot.  He's an excellent father, bipolar tendencies aside he's also one of the best men I've ever loved. i just never given myself the opportunity to admit that one day it was destined to end between us because as good as we are alone, together we are toxic. It's a fact. Not a fantasy that I choose to believe. The past is full of evidence, I just wouldn't hear the case. uop't face the truth that holding on, only made the ropes fray faster. Until eventually you're forced to let go. The problem, we didn't fall back into love, we fell face first into insecurities and pain. In pain we reside. In silence we lived. In stress, hardship, and faith we continued on ignoring the signs.
but now is not time to wonder or to cry over spilt milk. Now it's time to make a plan, stick to it, and learn to live again. Without the restraints of one another. Without worry so much of what we've lost. Toni Morrison once said that the inability to let go of things, whether they be physical, mental or emotional, is a demonstration of a lack of faith. When we can let go, we make room for the blessings to come into our lives. Today I let go, of the past, the feelings that reside there, the dreams of yesterday, the disappointments, the expectations, and even the possessions of it. It is all gone and forgotten so I can remember that I deserve better in the future. I deserve to be better in the future. I deserve to give better in the future. And in the present I can be satisfied with the work I am doing to accomplish those things.

searching for the light

i often feel the tug of ancestral spirits calling me home to where i am safe
calling me
calling me
calling my name
they say come home again
woman love yourself

i sometimes feel the urge to sell everything i own
move to countries comprised of villages & villas
set against beach & mountains
sing the sirens sea call
and lay forever in that moment
if i could lay forever
if only i could lay forever
in that moment

i would

i would pack up my bag full of guilt, hate, frustrations,
throw my madness into the oceans abyss
say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
But I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
But I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night

Damn

You're in school

Education

The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction

Listen

to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember

you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

Love & Light

And the beat goes...

On and on like a broken record, I replay my emotions on the 1's & 2's. The sweetest sound I hear in my day is enough to break through my barriers and bring tears to my eyes moments later. Because here I am not mommy. I can't be mommy. Not primarily. First & foremost I am MOD. Grand dame queen beast of the cupcake kingdom.
I got in trouble for being a mommy today. Not specifically but in the broader region of common sense, where all I really had to do was ask first. To double check that it was okay to take my little boy to the bathroom before I just did it. But I didn't, and I had to face the fact that i was wrong, no matter how right the instinctive reasoning. Even despite the fact that others have been doing it since I've been there, I should have thought twice. But I couldn't see myself being the mom that's a douche to her son, in public, better yet at all.

Love & Light

It's not all right but it's all real!

This year the holidays passed as nothing special. I spent my time off divided between family & friend. These days it feels like I'm in a sand storm. Blinded by the winds of change forever surrounding me, pushing me one way or the other. The hard part is seeing through the storm, to the horizon where peaceful skies rest. Sunshine awaits and speaks my name in whispers as if it is a secret I must seek out and capture. That until I find that magic place, I will only encounter pain. There is no wisdom or reason here.

In this desert I walk in alone, abandoned. J says he is here with me; if only he knew where to find me. But no one can understand, especially not him. No one can understand what it's like to be a queer woman married to man who has broken her beyond  her bounds and has taken a beating in return.  That no matter how much I have forgiven, I can not forget, my soul won't let me. No matter how much love my heart holds, my spirit is selfish, holding it all for myself, saying I need it to heal. I'd turn to him with open arms but I don't want to stab him with my contradicting dagger thoughts. So I love him the only way I know how for now.

 Few have walked the path before me and where they have stepped the wind has swept away their foot prints. There is no blueprint to follow. There are no instructions to tell me if I am right or wrong, only my spirit to guide me. My spirit, that the more I listen to it, the closer I get to her, the further I get from the world we created so many years ago.

There are no rules to this. Just a hunch to go on, a hope to hold on to. That one day all will be right. That there will be a we and not just a me. That hope is not just a tease to keep someone holding on. That hope is real and worth it. 

I am not an asshole. Not pure & simple. If anything I am an onion. Layers developed over time that bring nothing but tears when pulled back. I was never the good choice to make and I don't always make the good choices. But I am secure entering this year knowing that even though it's not all right it is all real. and for now, it's enough clarity to keep me moving forward. 

Testing

Testing 123
Love & Light

The Scribe

I have no more than these words to give
By no other means shall I live
For
I am a writer
A scribe of the inspired
Speaker of my truth for the seekers of the root
I write instead of run
Because the breath that fills my lungs never lasted longer than the ink on my paper
I write as prayer
To show gratitude for the gifts I've been given
As sacrifice
I bare my soul on parchment
I spread open my chest on stage
For I am not the architect just a conduit of my ancestry's hopes
I hope I live up to the expectation
I used to try to write inspirational intellectual culturally aware pieces
Things that would uplift & educate
Till I was left to hold the weight
I then decided, maybe I should wait
Let inspiration have its way with me
before committing to more than
just my dreams

Love & Light

Hotd#6

He died she said
Who died I said
She said his name
I said nothing

Love & Light

Woman

And what about when I just want to be a woman?
With nothing proceeding or following but success?
Because I always do my best
To just
Be a woman
Not a black, queer, wife, mother, sister, lover, working, superwoman
Just a woman
I live for those moments
Relish in the luxury of letting my hair & guard down
Wrap myself in the freedom of it
Surrender my soul to the serenity of silence
My mind & spirit sing a melodic cacophony in celebration of that moment
That random, rare moment
Where standing bare
Wanting nothing
I am nothing more
Nothing less
Than a woman
Simply
Lovely
Loved
Woman.

JSC112111
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09.28: preparation

Its been about a full month now that I have been unemployed, and have had absolutely no income whatsoever. Its only by the grace of the universe that I have survived this long. Regardless of how hard this struggle gets, I see that I am resilient, adaptable, resourceful, and stronger inside than I thought before. I'm recognizing a definite exponential positive growth within myself to not give in to the darkness that is beating against the locked door of its captivity. I have become a million times more powerful in the last 30 days then I had realized until today. Formerly I would have taken this free time to seek solace in a bottle or drug. I would have sought out the fast paying jobs & crowds of people that would allow me to sustain an inebriated state of wallow . Instead I spend my nights with my children laying in my arms way past their transition to sleepy land. I stay and watch them breath. I stay as close as possible for as long as possible so when they wake up in the night I am there.
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